Where Things Went
by rizzlestiva
Summary: Amelia struggles with her mental health. Arizona is around to help. Sequel to "How it Started". Amezona story. Set around 5 - 6 months after first story. Same trigger warnings as before (Self harm/suicidal thoughts/talk of substance abuse).
1. Chapter 1

Sequel to how it started. Make sure you read it or else this will make absolutely no sense. Please remember this is rated M for a reason. I think I went over the top with trigger warnings last time so from here on I'll only post them when I think they're particularly necessary for the first chapter. If you got through the 'how it started' I believe you'll be fine.

Please remember I am English, like from England, not America so be prepared for a mixed bag of spelling. I'll try to Americanise my phrases but no promises.

I do not own any of these characters unfortunately, I'm just using them for a while :)

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Amelia POV

Holy shit. Holy shit. I'm in love with Arizona. I'm in love. I love her. Everybody I love dies. My dad, Ryan, Christopher, Derek. Everybody dies. I run to the nearest supply closet and close the door behind me. Why did this have to happen at the hospital. I can't be seen breaking down like this, this is my workplace. I should be better than this. I have been doing so much better lately. I'm right near the end of my shift and I don't have to see any more patients but I can't be seen like this, its unprofessional. I sink down against the wall, pulling my legs up towards my chest and trying to regain control over my body. My phone has been ringing in my pocket, I can feel it vibrating against me. I reach to grab it, dropping it on the floor, seeing Arizona's name flashing up on my now smashed screen. My sobs are now getting greater and my attempts to prevent a full blown panic attack seem to have failed. I rest my head against my knees, trying to be as quiet as possible.

"Amelia," I hear and lift my head, seeing Meredith walking in, closing the door behind her. "Amelia, are you okay?" She asks, sitting a few feet away from me.

"How'd you find me?"

"One of the nurses saw you walk in here about an hour ago, she got concerned and paged me." She explains, I guess it makes sense that they would be concerned. "Do you want me to call Arizona?" Meredith questions, knowing my girlfriend is normally the person to help me deal in situations like this.

"No. Don't call her. Please, don't call." I stammer.

"Have you had a fight? Did you break up?" She questions and I shake my head indicating her guesses are wrong. "Then what happened?"

"I'm in love with Arizona."

"Well yeah, we all know that. What about it?"

"Everybody I love dies. I can't live without her."

"Amelia, look at me. Arizona is not going to die. She survived a freaking plane crash. She is a survivor."

"Derek survived a plane crash. He died anyway. Arizona isn't safe if I'm in her life."

"Derek's death was awful. The worst thing that has ever happened to me. But it was random. Life and death are random. It's uncontrollable, we just have to live in the moment."

"I miss him."

"What would he say if he saw you like this?" She questions, still standing near by.

"I don't know." I mutter quietly.

"I do. He found me having a panic attack, fairly similar to you in this exact cupboard about 10 years ago. He helped me calm my breathing and told me everything would be okay. He stayed right here next to me until I was ready to move." She has seated herself down next to me, not rushing at all. We just wait it out, together. I can imagine Derek here too, I can hear his voice in Meredith's. I know we have never been overly close but right now, she is what I have left of my brother.

"It's going to be okay Amelia, I'm not going anywhere." She tells me, mimicking what she remembers Derek telling me in that exact situation.

"I'm okay" I tell Meredith when I have fully calmed down.

"I know you are. I know that in your mind love and death are connected, but it doesn't always have to be that way. You can love without fear." I look to her, and I know she is telling the truth but that doesn't make it any less scary.

"I haven't told her yet. I don't know if I can."

"Amelia, she knows. She knows you love her. She loves you too, even if it's not said out loud."

"What if you're wrong. What if she doesn't?"

"You've been together for almost 6 months now and she has stood by your side through every up and down. She never once left you. She loves you too." I nod and go to stand up, still unsure of whether I should believe her but hoping she is right. She offers me her hand to help pull me up and I take it. Once I am up I wrap I wrap my arms around my body, still feeling extremely vulnerable and shaky but I know I will be okay.

"Thank you Meredith, for being here." I tell her, looking down at my feet.

"That's what sisters do. Are you coming home tonight?"

"Yeah. Could I ride with you? Arizona dropped me off." I tell her honestly. I know I could walk but I don't feel like being alone right now.

"Sure."

When I get back to Meredith's I help Maggie prepare dinner. I'm just preparing vegetables but it feels nice to help out.

"Amelia, you okay? You zoned out." Maggie tells me and I realise I am staring at the knife in my hand, watching the movements of the blade a little too closely. I picture myself pulling it across my skin causing myself to shiver, dropping the utensil onto the surface.

"Yeah, sorry. I was thinking, I'm almost done with these." I tell her, moving to pick up and quickly finish what I had started. I head to the bathroom, telling my sisters I am going to shower before we eat. I take the blade from the back of the top shelf, I know what I am doing is wrong but I need to be able to control something. I run it lightly across my thighs, not deep enough to do any serious damage but enough to create thin lines of blood. It stings but it feels good, almost too good. I never want to do this to myself but when I do, I enjoy the feeling. Plus, the damage is already done, it's not like the scars can get any worse. It gives me a release. I rinse the blade with the running water before placing it back in the box. I climb out of the shower and clean my legs before putting dressings over the damage I have just created. I hate that this is what things have come to but it's the only way I have found I can deal with my own thoughts. It's been over a month since things have been this bad and I have been waiting for this to happen. I put my clothes on and prepare to go sit with my family for dinner. I place a fake smile on my face, for the children's sake and pretend that everything is okay, that I am okay.

Dinner passes fairly easily. I help to sort the dishes before leaving the kitchen, planning to go back to my room but Meredith stops me in the hall.

"Amelia, you should talk to her." I turn to look at her before replying.

"I'm not ready Meredith, I need time to process my own feelings first."

"I'm not saying go and confess your love or anything. You're hurting Amelia. She is the one person who helps the pain go away, just a little bit. She's your Derek, enjoy it."

"I'm fine, I'm sorry about what happened earlier but I'm fine. I'm okay now." I try to convince her but she doesn't back down.

"I know that line would work for most people, but I'm not like them. I'm not like Maggie. I don't see the world with all sunshine and rainbows. I see you're in pain. Do something about it." I don't like that she is right, I am hurting. I don't like that she can see through the mask I show the world. I want to speak to my girlfriend, I want to wrap my arms around her, and have hers wrapped around me.

"Okay," I nod. "Could you take me to her place? I don't trust myself to drive."

"Let me put Ellis to bed and I'll take you over there. Give me 15 minutes?" She offers, smiling a little to which I nod and agree.

"Thank you."

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Thank you for reading!! I have a few more chapters already written so it shouldn't be too long until I update.

Reviews are always appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**Amelia POV**

I knock on the door to Arizona's apartment and wait for her to answer. I can hear movement inside so I know she is coming to open it.

"Amelia, are you okay? You didn't answer any of my calls." She says, opening the for a little wider inviting me in. I don't reply but I look at her and feel the tears swelling in my eyes. She must have noticed as she wraps her arms around me, leading me to the couch. "Come on, let's go sit down."

She grabs the blanket from the chair before we sit down and she pulls it over us. I lean into her embrace and the tears begin to fall. I don't try to fight it, I just let it out. It's hard to believe that just 6 months ago I would have been dealing with these feelings alone. But that's not me anymore, I know I am safe here. In Arizona's arms I am safe. I can let myself fall apart because she has proven she will be there to help build myself back up.

"I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls. I didn't mean to worry you." I tell her when my thoughts begin to align.

"It doesn't matter. As long as you're safe." She whispers, pulling my body closer to her own and placing a kiss on the top of my head.

"I am safe, I promise. You make me feel safe. " I take her hand in my own, tracing all the lines and moving her fingers into different shapes. I haven't needed to use her hand for comfort in a long time but I know she doesn't mind.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" She asks, leaving it open for me to decide how much I want to discuss. It is something she has picked up on, wording her questions in a way that gives me full control.

"I erm." I try to begin but I stutter. "I had a panic attack at the hospital, it was a bad one. It was around the time you started calling me. I managed to find a corner in a supply closet and I must have totally freaked out because the next thing I know Mer is there with me. She said the nurse paged her when I didn't come out for over an hour. I didn't realise it had been that long, my thoughts were going that fast that I must have zoned out. Meredith helped me calm down and took me home. I had dinner with her and the kids, I tried to act normal but she knew I was hurting. She convinced me to come here. I'm sorry I didn't call first."

"Amy, it's fine. In just glad you're here now. Do you want to tell me what caused the panic attack?" I shake my head, I do not want to enter this conversation today.

"I'm sorry, I'm not ready. I spoke to Meredith about it though and she helped."

"That's good. Meredith is a good person, I'm glad she could help you."

The sun begins to set and we decide we should go to bed. I'm exhausted but I don't think sleep is going to happen any time soon. We get changed and climb into bed, she holds me close and I curl up into a ball.

"Az I'm scared." I tell her, hoping she will have some wisdom that will help me calm down.

"What are you scared of?" She replies simply, no judgement to be found.

"Myself." I state as she brushes my hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ears. "I was helping Maggie prepare dinner and was chopping some peppers but I lost track of my thoughts. The next thing I know I'm picturing the sharp knife making deep cuts on my legs. I freaked out and dropped the knife."

"Did you use the knife? You have fresh dressings on so I have to ask." I completely forgot that I even had them on, looking down at the reminder before I shake my head indicating no.

"I left and went to go in the shower. I used my usual blade. But I could have used the knife, if nobody else was around. I could have, I wanted to"

"Okay, do any of them need checking?" She asks me, this is one of her usual checks. She is really asking if any of them may need stitches.

"No. They're not that bad. I just, what if that happens in surgery? What if I freak out and drop a scalpel into someone's brain?"

"When you're in surgery, if you're not actually cutting into the brain where do you hold the instruments?"

"At least 10cm away from the patient."

"That's right. And I've seen you in surgery, I've never once seen your mind wander. You compartmentalise, like better than anybody else I have seen."

"Yeah. I guess. It just scares me, it's not just vegetables, it's another human life."

"How about this, if you ever feel your mind begin to wander in surgery, you step back and page me. If I can't get there you can get me on the phone. We will work it out together."

"Okay."

"Amelia, I'm not going to lie to you, I am a little concerned that you may cut too deep if you change blades. Could you just, next time you think you might, tell me. Just contact me. I won't make you answer questions if you don't want to but I don't want you being alone. I want you to be safe. I need you to be safe." Her voice is shaky, but she doesn't cry. She just holds me tighter against her. I don't like that I worried her but I'm glad I came. I feel better in her arms.

"Okay. I'll try."

* * *

I stare at the wall for hours. Arizona had fallen asleep a while ago, her breathing is slow and even against my back. Sleep doesn't seem like it is going to happen, I am emotionally exhausted but not ready to sleep. I slither my way out of my girlfriends embrace, making my way to the kitchen. I boil the kettle and make myself a cup of tea, we bought it specifically for nights like this, it's supposed to help induce sleep. I take my time drinking it, I love the nighttime, everything is quiet. It's so peaceful. I miss LA sometimes, the noise of the waves were so calming but there were too many memories. Seattle feels like home, Arizona makes it feel like home.

I make my way back to the bedroom and see Arizona is stirring. I try to get back into bed carefully so I don't wake her but her breathing speeds up and she opens her eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you." I tell her as I pull the blankets up over my body.

"It wasn't you, it was just a bad dream. Don't worry about it, I'm fine." She explains, reaching out to pull me closer.

"I didn't know you still had the bad dreams. Do you want to talk about it?" I ask her. She is always taking care of me and it only feels right to offer the same form of care.

"I don't often. They're not that bad." She tells me and I take that as she doesn't want to talk about it.

"If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen."

"I know. It really wasn't that bad, I promise. Just plane crash memories."

"Y'know, those things kindof contradict each other. Plane crash and not that bad." She lets out a small laugh, wrapping her arms around my stomach.

"What I meant was that it wasn't that bad compared to the nightmares I used to have. I'll tell you about it sometime if you want but not right now. Talking about it tends to make the dreams worse. Why are you awake anyway?"

"I haven't gone to sleep. I got up a while ago to make tea, my brain wouldn't turn off."

"Amelia, its 3am, you need rest."

"I know. I'm not working tomorrow morning anyway. I came back to bed to go to sleep." I explain. I didn't realise how long I'd been awake, and I do need to go to sleep. "Look at us, we're a mess." I nod and laugh, its true, we are.

"Sleep now, we will talk tomorrow."


	3. Chapter 3

So this is a shorter chapter but I felt it needed to be covered. I promise in. Few chapters time they will start to get longer.

Please review! They help motivate me to keep writing.

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Arizona POV

I stayed awake until my girlfriend had fallen asleep. I've thought about telling her about my nightmares many times, she has told me about her worst days and her darkest thoughts. I have often considered bringing it up but I know my problems are nothing compared to how she suffers on a daily basis. Callie was there when I was at my worst, but there was no way she could have even imagined the pain I was feeling. I'm so much better now than I was, and I hate talking about my past but for Amelia I would. I feel like I owe her an explanation. I close my eyes, still holding onto her sleeping body and rest my head, drifting to sleep.

I wake up at around 8am. Amelia is awake, watching me sleep. She leans it to kiss me, taking my lips in her own.

"Good morning." I yawn, moving my head to rest it on her chest. "Did you manage to get enough sleep?"

"I haven't been awake for long. You look peaceful when your sleep." She tells me and I smile. I love waking up with Amelia in my bed. It doesn't feel right when she isn't here. I feel a strange sort of tension between us. My nightmare being the elephant in the room, the silence begging for me to bring it up

"I meant what I said last night. I will tell you about the plane crash if you want. You have been so open with me and I am definitely not perfect, I have issues too." I try to explain.

"You don't have to tell me, you don't owe me anything. I don't want to cause any problems for you." She tells me, I know she is trying to be nice about it. It's what I did for her. It's strange, it feels like we have swapped roles.

"Amy, it's fine. I can tell you, I just don't know how much you want to know. It's a lot to take in, and it's dark, like really dark and it's not that I mind you knowing. I don't mind, really. I don't want to hurt you, or scare you away."

"You're not going to scare me away, I'm here for the long run." She tells me, I know she isn't going to leave me, that's not what I meant. I just don't want to overwhelm her with information. It's a lot. "Arizona, you can tell me whatever you decide is right."

"How much do you already know?"

"Not much. I know Lexie died, and Mark did once you got back, Your leg, Derek's hand. The basics." She tells me. She knows about the injuries, she knows of the deaths.

"When the plane crashed, I was trapped, the bone of my leg was sticking out. I was screaming, like really loud. I had never felt pain like that. Cristina and and Mark were awake first, Meredith soon after. Mer was screaming because they couldn't find Derek. We could hear a noise so erm, Cristina made me stop screaming so they could follow it. I knew where it was coming from, they followed the sound but I couldn't move. They left me there with the plane. Once they had left I realised the pilot was still there but he was trapped inside, I was focusing so hard on keeping him calm that I kinda forgot about my leg for a while. Mark seemed fine, we were holding it together pretty well. The next thing I know his body was being dragged towards me, He had a tamponade, Meredith and Cristina performed an emergency pericardiocentesis. He wasn't great but he was alive. They told me Lexie had died, I didn't know, I didn't get to see her. Derek managed to find us, I could see his arm was injured but I didn't know what had happened. Honestly he was alive and moving so it wasn't my greatest concern. Jerry, the pilot told me someone should find us within 4 hours. Nobody came. When it got dark, Mark stayed with me. I think Mer, Derek and Cristina were together. Mark basically told me he wanted to die, to be with Lexie. I told him he had to fight, for Sofia, for Callie."

"You don't have to tell me all at once. You can finish another time." Amelia tells me, using her thumbs to dry my tears. I hadn't even realised I was crying.

"I just want to tell you what happened. I'm not going into details right now. Unless you want me to stop?" I add, realising she may not be ready to deal with this.

"It's okay, you can continue if you want. I just miss them, Mark and Derek I mean. I didn't know Lexie that well but she seemed nice."

"She was. She was the best of us. Anyway, Mark kept crashing and Cristina kept bringing him back. It took them 4 days to find us and they had to have us anaesthetised for the plane back. I don't remember much of the other 3 days. They blurred together, just pain and hunger. Mostly pain. They told me I would probably lose my leg, I refused to sign anything. I didn't want to lose it. I basically forced them to do everything possible but then the infection took over. Callie signed the forms to remove it without my consent. I was so angry, for so long, but I got to see my daughter again. Mark died on-"

"October 2nd 2012, I know." She continues. "I remember because it was the day of my friend Pete's funeral. Addison told me." She explains before letting me finish.

"I guess that's the general timeline. I don't really want to go into all the details right now but I'm glad you know about it. You deserve to know." I tell her. I haven't spoken about the events of the plane crash in such a long time. Its strange, I tried to forget but the memories are still there, and they hurt less than they did at first.

"Arizona, can I ask something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to I was just wondering."

"What is it?"

"What was your nightmare about?" This is one of the details I was aiming to avoid, not because it was unimportant but because it is so dark. It's not something you want going around your head. Still, she asked the question so I will answer.

"A sound. Animals, fighting each other. It wasn't until later we realised they were fighting over Lexie, over her body. I can still hear them."

"I'm sorry, I can't begin to imagine what that must have been like."

"It's okay. I'm okay. It's a dark chapter of my life, but it happened. I got through it."

"I'm glad you got through it. I'm so happy you're in my life."

"I'm happy to be here." We stay in that same position, with my head rested on her chest. It's cosy, I like feeling her body against mine. We are warm, and safe.


	4. Chapter 4

Not sure this needs a warning but ill give one anyway.

Warning: Smut

If it makes you uncomfortable stop reading at the doubke horizontal line :)

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**Amelia POV**

I didn't realise how much Arizona had been through. Logically, I knew of the plane crash, I knew she had lost her leg so it must have been bad. Derek never talked about it and neither did Meredith so I didn't realise how long they were out there. It's something I learned not to ask about when I moved to Seattle. Derek told me it was nothing I ever needed to think about and told me not to ask anyone else. I guessed it would bring up bad memories. I wasn't around when it happened, I was recovering from my own problems so it never really came up again. Not until today.

After a while Arizona's phone began to vibrate, interrupting our quiet time. She twists our bodies, reaching to grab her phone from the charger. She sits her self up to read the message that had disturbed us, pulling her arm away from me to reply.

"Are you okay?" I ask, sitting up to join her. She nods her head, and smiles but she has tears in her eyes.

"Sofia wants to move home."

"Arizona, that's amazing. You love having her around." I reply, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. She nods her head again, still smiling but it looks fake.

"What's the matter?" I ask her, tracing my hand up and down her arm.

"I love having her here so much, but I also love having you here all the time, I don't want to lose that. I must sound like an awful mom."

"Az, this isn't Sophie's choice. You can have both of us. You're not going to lose me just because your daughter is here. You're an amazing mom, it'll just take time to get back into the routine. Besides, I quite like spending time with Sof, she is a good kid." She smiles at me and takes my head, bringing it towards her own. I love how her lips feel it my own, it's as they were designed for each other. When we break apart for air she looks into my eyes.

"Are you really okay with it? With Sofia moving home?"

I pull away from her and sit up properly, moving away from her.

"Why are you so worried about this? I've just told you it is going to be okay, that I'm happy for you. Do you not trust me with her or something?"

"Amelia, it's not like that."

"Then what? Because from where I'm sitting you should be overjoyed. Your daughter wants to come home. I am happy about it and you should be too." I reiterate.

"I am happy about it, I just don't want to lose what we have, I don't want to lose this. Lazy mornings in bed, they're the best."

"I love this too, but we can just work out our snuggle times around Sofia's school and bedtime. It'll take time to adapt but we can do it. It's just another excuse for more sleepovers and a little making out at work." I smile and wink at her, seeing her grin back at me.

"Move in with me."

"Wait what?" I question, wondering if I have heard her correctly.

"Move in with me. With Sofia coming home we are going to have to make better use of our time together and I know we have only been together for a little over 6 months but I love having you here, Sofia likes you, we may as well do it before she gets back."

"Are you asking me to be a U-haul lesbian with you?"

"That is such a bad stereotype but if that's how you want to think about it. If you think it's too soon, we don't have to. I just don't want to spend any more time away from you."

"Arizona, I would love to be a U-haul lesbian with you." I tell her, laughing at that face she pulls when I repeated the phrase.

"You are going to have to stop saying that."

* * *

We decide that I will move in gradually over the next week or so. I don't have that many belongings, I travel light so it shouldn't be too difficult.

"Arizona, Is there such thing as celebration sex for planning to move into your extremely sexy girlfriends apartment?" I ask as I climb over my body, positioning so I am straddling her, running my fingers down her sides.

"I have never heard it specified but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist." She replies placing her hands onto the base of my back, pulling me down on top of her. "You know we don't have to have a reason to have sex. You can just tell me your horny." She continued and I laugh a little.

"Arizona… I'm horny." I exclaim, and she shakes her head laughing, pulling my body closer to her own. I roll my hips, pressing them down against hers and she takes my mouth in her own. Our tongues are battling for dominance, neither of us backing down. She places her hands at the hem of my top, tugging it, hinting she wants the fabric to be removed. I run my hands over her own, pulling the item of clothing up over my head revealing my bare chest. She moans at the sight and feel her thighs tensing beneath me.

"I thought I was the horny one." I joke in response to her grinding.

"Shut up, you know I can't resist you like this." She complains but I know she doesn't mean it. She gently strokes her palms around from my back, moving them towards my breasts but I pull away.

"Not yet, be patient." I tell her and she groans beneath me. I take her hands in my own, placing them on the bed, either side of her head. I take her panties, slowly dragging them down her legs. I am careful to not touch her skin and I can see the frustration building in her body. I move myself back up, her body, removing her pyjama top, again avoiding any skin to skin contact.

"Amelia, please." She begs, reaching back up with her hands but I place them back down on the bed.

"You'll get what you want, be patient. I promise it'll be worth it."

Once I have removed all of her clothes I take a moment to look at the body of my beautiful girlfriend. It never fails to amaze me how perfect she is. I have seen her like this so many times, each time I believe I've seen it all but I always manage to find something new to fascinate myself.

"Amy, I need you." Arizona begs again.

"Patience isn't really your strong suit today." I tell her, walking my hands up towards hers. I lean in to kiss her. The kiss is desperate, animalistic. My breasts brush against hers and she raises her chest, trying to get any contact she can possibly find. When her chest grazes against my own I feel my nipples harden and I smile, imagining she is feeling the same tortuously good sensation.

"Amelia, please."

"What do you need?" I ask her, playing dumb. I know what she wants but I love to see her like this, desperate and begging beneath me.

"Touch me, please."

I move my head, taking her left nipple in my mouth, massaging it, sucking just the way she likes it. I feel her hands tangle in my hair so I pull back.

"Keep your hands there. I'm going to stop if you move okay?" I tell her placing her hands back above her head, looking up to her eyes seeing her head nodding before continuing.

I make my way down to her chest, giving her other nipple the same loving attention. Her breathing is growing more and more intense, her chest rising with each and every of my movements.

I make my way down, leaving open mouthed kisses down her stomach.

"Keep your hands where they are, don't let your legs trap my head." I tell her, looking up checking again for her understanding.

"Okay, just touch me, please."

I venture lower, placing a kiss over her centre, causing her to groan loudly. She is so wet, I drag my fingers down her slit, parting her lips, running my fingers slowly near her clit but never quite giving it enough attention. After a while I trace my tongue up the gap. Her hips rise to my face but I don't give her any more attention. I stay slow, constant, small licks and kisses but no more.

When she is writhing a sufficient amount I move to her clit. I make small circles around it with my tongue, her moans and getting longer and louder. Every few circles I give a little suck, bringing her right to the edge but never quite enough to initiate an orgasm. She is so close, over and over again and her moans and pleads are becoming too intense I decide to give her a little more help, pressing a finger into her. I can feel her getting closer and closer so I increase the speed of my tongue and curve my finger the way she likes it most. I feel her tighten around it but I keep moving, allowing her to ride out the pleasure to the fullest extent. My name comes out of her mouth as a squeak and the orgasm goes on for longer than expected. I slow my motions as she comes down from her well deserved high. I lick up the juices her body has just produced and she groans due to the sensitivity.

Arizona's breathing is still labored as I climb back up to lay with her.

"You can move your arms now." I tell her as I lay down.

"That was amazing. You've never done that before, gone all dominant on me. You are getting way too good at this." She tells me, going to wrap her arms around my waist.

"I'm sorry if it was unexpected. I didn't plan it but you did look sexy like that, all needy and begging. Have I told you how beautiful you are?"

"All the time but I never get tired of hearing it."

* * *

Once Arizona has caught her breath she goes to remove my shorts and I happily comply. I climb back on top of her beginning to kiss her again before moving back and looking into her eyes.

"I know it's not fair but what I did to you, I'm not ready to give up all control to you. I know you would never hurt me but I just can't." I know she will understand but I needed to make sure she was aware, not wanting her to start something and not to be able to finish. I can tell she intended to repay the favour, making me feel good.

"I know, I figured that would be the case. It's okay, as long as you promise you can do that to me again because it was amaaazing." I smile at her and roll my eyes at the way she dragged the word.

"We can absolutely do that again." I tell her, thinking about how to word my next question.

"What are you thinking about?" She asks, she must have been able to see the concern on my face.

"I want to try letting you go down on me. It's been a while and I'm okay with you touching me, and I don't normally feel panicky anymore and I think I just want to experience it, I don't know if I'll like it but-"

"Amelia, it's fine. I will happily eat you out, I've been wanting to for a while but it needed to be your decision."

I trust Arizona with my life, and I know she would never hurt me, at least not intentionally. I don't know why the idea of oral sex scares me so much but Arizona seems to enjoy it and I want to at least experience it once.

"If I don't like it we can stop right?"

"Amelia, you don't need to ask that. You know I'll stop the moment you ask, whatever we are doing. The moment you say no everything stops, every time. I have a feeling you're going to like it though" I smile and nod my head, she is amazing, so caring and gentle.

She rolls us over so she is on top of me and I pass her one of the thin pillows to put under her amputated leg, it's one of the ways to make it more comfortable when she is on top. I noticed her doing it a while back and she explained it to me. She places her hands on either side of my head, giving me a look to check I'm okay. Whenever she is on the top she makes sure to check, knowing how I can somehow feel trapped in this position. She knows it can trigger memories.

"I'm okay, It's okay." I confirm and she caresses the side of my face with her hand, leaning to kiss me. This time the kiss is slower, more gentle but with just as much love and affection. She moves her mouth to the side, making her way down my neck to my chest and back up again, kissing every inch of skin she can find. She places a hand on my breast, rolling the bud between her fingers, somehow harsh but gently. She repeats the gestures with her other hand, carefully sucking on my pulse point. I know there will be a hickey there tomorrow but that is the least of my concerns.

* * *

She gives my upper body plenty of attention. I'm silently panting beneath her, she stops her ministrations so I presume her next move will be to go down on me. Before I have a chance to finish my thoughts I feel her hand sneaking down between us, slowly circling the my sensitive bundle of nerves. It wasn't what I expected but it feels good so I allow her to have her way. I feel lost in the sensations she is causing, my hips are rising with every movement and I'm so close to my release but she slows her movements.

"Why'd you stop?" I complain, lifting my head to look at her.

"You still want this?" She asks, glancing down indicating what she was referring to.

"Yeah, please." I nod hazily, still feeling light headed from the pleasure I was receiving.

Arizona slowly moves herself down the bed and I move up a little, making enough room for the both of us. She places a hand on my leg, trying to move it into a better position and I flinch at the sting of the cuts that were made on the previous day.

"Amy, you okay? Do you want me to stop?" Arizona asks, panicking she had done something wrong.

"It's okay, could you just try not to touch my legs? They're not healed yet." I explain and she realises what must have happened.

"You're going to have to keep your legs open on your own then, can you do that?"

"Yeah, I think." I tell her, moving my legs on my own, into a comfortable position.

I feel open, exposed. It's not like we haven't been in this position before, we have, just not as often. I tend to be more comfortable on top. The idea of her looking at my most private area is just foreign, unexplainable. I trust her fully but I'm nervous for what to expect. She begins by using her hand, picking up where she left off. Drawing lazy circles around my clit, placing gentle kisses around my centre. I know I'm wet, I can feel my juices pool between my legs.

Before long she has replaced her fingers with her tongue, continuing the circular movements. I feel my body twitch, trying to make my hips rise but I hold them down for Arizona's sake. It feels unusual, but in a good way. She takes her tongue, licking all the way down and back up again, sending a shiver down my spine.

"Is this okay?" She pauses to ask, not taking things any further until I respond.

"So… Good." I moan, unable to move to look at her face but she clearly understands as she delves back in, giving me her full attention. When I'm getting close she uses her hand, pressing a single finger into me whilst continuing the circles and sucking against my clit. She pumps it in and out a few times before adding a second finger, keeping the rhythm slow and steady. I'm close, I feel the pleasure becoming almost too much. Arizona clearly picks up on this too as she sucks, hard and curls her fingers the way she knows I like it. I feel my body lose control in her arms as all the pleasure that has been building up is released.

When I am coming down from my high I notice I had trapped Arizona with my thighs and I immediately release her, allowing her to make her way back up my body. She pulls me in and kisses me lazily. I pull back and look at her.

"I can taste myself in your mouth and I'm not sure if its weird or sexy." She laughs at me, wrapping her arms around me again.

"Definitely sexy. So, how was it?" She asks, and I move to rest my head in the crook of her neck.

"Amazing. I can't believe you didn't tell me how good that was sooner." I tell her, tracing lines around her chest with my fingers.

"I believe I did tell you, every single time you did it to me but you weren't ready. I'm glad you enjoyed it. So something we should do again?"

"Absolutely."


	5. Chapter 5

**Amelia POV**

When we finally decide to get out of bed and get dressed I look down at my legs realising the blood had begun to seep through the dressings. It isn't that bad but I know they need changing. I quickly put my shorts and a tshirt on, opening the bedside table to collect my equipment.

"Oh my god, did I do that?" Arizona asks, noticing the blood for the first time.

"It's okay, it's not as bad as it looks, they just need changing." I tell her, brushing off her question. I believe it happened when she pressed on my leg but I don't blame her, she didn't realise.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I can't believe I did that." She is sitting down beside me, not touching me. She looks sad, ashamed even and I hate it.

"Hey, you didn't do anything. I made the cuts, it's my fault, you couldn't have known." I cup her cheek with my hand, turning her face to look at me. "It's not your fault." I reinforce.

"I always so careful, I don't know why this time was different." She tells me, still upset over her actions.

"Hey, Az, it was not your fault. Just because you used to be more careful doesn't make it your fault. Honestly it makes me happy you're not so careful, it means I'm more normal. Plus I'm hot, I don't blame you for losing control." I say grinning at her. She playfully slaps my arm but begins to laugh.

"Not funny." She tells me, still grinning.

"The smile on your face says otherwise."

* * *

I take a quick shower and decide to change the dressings in the bathroom. I hadn't realised how much they had bled but I played it down, not wanting Arizona to feel more guilty that she already does. Now clean and dry, I head towards the living room where I find Arizona sat on the couch with her laptop on her legs. Her eyes are puffy and I can tell she has been crying again.

"Hey, come here." I tell her as I sit myself down and open my arms. "This wasn't your fault. Honestly it was the best sex I've ever had, I really enjoyed it. Please don't blame yourself." I keep holding her close and rubbing small circles on her back, trying to comfort her.

"I just hate to see you hurting."

"I'm sorry I put you in this situation." I tell her honestly. Knowing that I'm the root of her pain is the worst feeling, my actions caused this.

"Amelia, can I ask you something?" she questions, her head still resting on my chest.

"You don't normally check before you ask. What's bothering you?"

"Would you ever consider going to therapy? Just to try it?" I feel myself tense beneath her. This topic has come up briefly before but only to say I didn't want to go.

"I told you I don't like the idea. I don't think I could ever talk to a random stranger about my issues. You know you're the only person I talk to about these things."

"I know, I just thought maybe it would help. A psychologist helped me after the plane crash, I went to sessions for years. You know nobody would think less of you for it, don't you?"

"It's not that. I'm just not crazy about talking about my feelings that's all." I mumble, trying to convince, not only my girlfriend but also myself. Arizona clearly sees through my lie and she shakes her head.

"I don't think that's the real reason Amelia. I know you don't like sharing but there's something else, I can tell." I don't like that she knows me this well. It scares me.

"You're right." I say, not elaborating further but not running either.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but I'm only trying to help. I love you too much to see you hurting like this." I feel my heart beat increasing, I can't believe what I have just heard.

"You've never, that's the first time you've said that." I say pushing her away a little so she can turn to look at me.

"Did I just make this awkward?" She asks me and I feel her grip on my hand tighten.

"I love you too. I was scared to say it incase you didn't say it back." I still can't believe this is happening.

"Are you crazy? Of course I love you too. I thought you knew that? I didn't think I had to say it for you to know."

"I know, I just don't trust my own judgement. Meredith said you did but I didn't believe her. I know now though. That's what matters." I tell her shakily, my heart beat still hasn't slowed to the normal rate. "I'm scared they'll make me stop."

"What are you talking about?" Arizona asks me, looking suddenly puzzled at the change of topic.

"If I go to therapy, I know I'd hate it anyway because of the talking but I'm scared they'll make me stop. Hurting myself, it lets me feel control over my own life. If they make me stop I'm scared I won't have any control anymore."

I've never admitted this before, I've barely admitted it to myself.

"You realise they can't make you do anything right? And if they tried you could stop going. Yes, the aim would be to help you get better and eventually stop cutting but that would be up to you. Nobody else can make you stop." I nod my head. I'm not sure at what point I started crying but there are tears running down my cheeks.

"Would you still love me if I didn't go?" I ask her, trying to avoid eye contact. She cups my face with her hand and turns it to make me look at her, wiping my tears in the process.

"I will love you whatever you decide." She tells me, and the sparkle in her eyes makes me believe it.

"If I decided to go, could you come too? So I'm not alone?" I ask, my breath still hitching from the fear, as well as the tears running down my face.

"Anything for you. Anything."

"Can I think about it?" I question. Honestly, the idea of therapy still terrifies me and I am not in the right state of mind to agree to anything.

"Of course. You don't have to decide anything right now." She explains, pulling me back in, kissing my forehead before allowing me to rest my face on her chest. "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

The topic of therapy goes undiscussed for a few days. Arizona had said what she thought was necessary and I was silently considering my options. We continued with our normal routines, and I gradually began to move my stuff into Arizona's like planned. I don't own too much stuff, and a lot of what I do own was still in boxes, I was never good at unpacking. I believe some of my boxes still haven't been unpacked from when I was living with Addison. I hadn't planned on finishing unpacking them today, I thought I would just put them at the back of the wardrobe until I needed something from them but Arizona had a different idea.

I walked into the bedroom and Arizona had opened one of the boxes and she turns to check she is okay to start sorting it. I cannot remember what is in the box but I give her permission to sort, sitting myself on the edge of the bed.

"What do you want to do with these?" She asks me and I look over to her, seeing she has a handful of photos.

"What are they of?" I question, and she reaches out to pass me the pile, smiling at me, instead of answering the question.

I flick through the photos, some of Addison's wedding, a few with me and friends from the practice. I find a couple of photos of Ryan, I hadn't realised I had kept them. I smile slightly, but it's a sad smile, remembering what we had. Tucked in behind the rest of the photos I find one of Christopher, while he was alive. Addison must have taken it before he went into the OR. He is wearing a little blue hat and wrapped in the matching blue hospital blanket. I feel something on the back so I turn the photo to see a post-it note, Addison's handwriting.

05/15/2012

Unicorn Baby

"I have never seen this photo before. Addison must have taken it and tucked it in with the others. She helped pack these boxes, I didn't realise she had done this." I tell Arizona as I move to sit next to her on the floor. She raises an eyebrow questioning what I was looking at and I pass the image, my hand shaking slightly as I do.

"Is this-"

"My baby. That's Christopher. I didn't take any photos, she must have taken it after she left the room with him." I finish for her, answering her questions.

"Are you okay?" She asks, handing the photograph back to me.

"Yeah, it's just weird. All these years I've been remembering him, just thinking about what he looked like, but now I have a picture. I was worried that I was forgetting him, I didn't know if I remembered what he looked like or if the image in my mind had changed over time. But now I look at this, he looks just like I remembered." I say. All the times I've spoken about him in the past, I've felt extremely sad, and overwhelmed by emotion but this time is different. Of course the sadness is still there but I also feel happy, privileged even. It was a privilege to give birth to such a special child. A child who left too soon but saved so many other babies. It was an honor.

I didn't notice Arizona had stood up until she was moving towards the door with her crutches. Not even 30 seconds later she was back holding a small photo frame.

"We got so many of these at Sof's baby shower and we never used them all." She carefully opens the frame and placed the picture of my baby inside. . It's small and white with a few clouds on it with a rainbow in the top corner.

"It's fitting, rainbows and clouds for a unicorn baby." I think, not realising I had said the words aloud.

"Unicorn baby?" Arizona inquires, and I realise I hadn't used that phrase to her before.

"When I was a kid I had an obsession with unicorns. They were amazing, they flew where they were needed and they helped people. Christopher's organs flew across the country and saved other babies. Unicorn baby was how I referred to him, before I was ready to use his name. He was my unicorn baby."

Arizona moved to place the now framed photo on my bedside table, arranging it carefully so nothing would fall

"Now you can see him everyday, morning and night. You'll never forget his face." Arizona explains.

"Thank you. You're the best girlfriend ever."

* * *

**So, I always write a few chapters ahead, I have ateast 4 unposted at the moment and I had an idea but I want the readers response.**

**How would you feel if I brought Addison into the story? Just for a chapter or two. If you have watched Private Practice, you'll know Addie and Amelia's bond is everything and if you haven't watched Private Practice, what are you doing??? Go watch.**

**Anyways, I think she could be an asset to the story. Please could you review or private message me to let me know what you think?**

**Thank youuuuu! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Arizona POV**

It's the end of a long week and Amelia has finally finished moving in. I am waiting for her at the hospital exit as she is my ride home. We are having dinner at Meredith's tonight, as per Zola and Bailey's request. Since Amelia has moved out, the kids have insisted I bring her back at least once a week for dinner and a game/movie. She soon arrives and takes my hand in her own for us to walk back to the car.

"Hi, you look happy." I mention to her casually, swinging our arms between us.

"I am, as much as I like the privacy we have at yours, I kinda miss having the kids around."

"You've only been gone a week. But Sof is home next week so I can foresee many sleepovers ahead. Plus you know the kids are always welcome at mine, ours I mean."

"I know, and I love having Sofia around, but it's not the same. These are Derek's kids, he lives on in them. I know they're welcome at our place but when we are home I honestly just want to rip all of your clothes off so, y'know." she explains as she opens the car doors, letting go of my girlfriends hand to get in.

"You do realise that we can't be having sex all over the apartment when Sof is back right? We will have to be a little more careful." I tell her once we are both in the car.

"I know, I don't mind. We just have to use the evenings and school times wisely."

* * *

When we get back to the apartment and head inside we have a little less than an hour before we need to leave.

"Okay, so we need to shower and get changed. Are you driving over there or am I?" I ask her, throwing my bag onto the couch.

"It's a game night with my sisters, high chance of alcohol involvement so I can drive, you can have a drink." She tells me before turning to grin at me. It's a mischievous look and I can tell she is plotting something.

"What?" I ask cautiously, her grin growing wider again.

"Shower with me?" She says, taking my hand in hers and leading me through to the bathroom. I shake my head before replying.

"Why do I have a feeling you want a little more than a shower?"

"Maybe because we are both extremely hot individuals who love each other. Or maybe just because I'm seriously turned on right now. Or maybe both."

"You're a dork."

Amelia pulls me into the bathroom, shutting the door behind us. She places her hands onto my hips, snaking them round my body to grasp my butt. She leans in to kiss me, running her tongue across my bottom lip, begging for access which I immediately allow. It starts slow, sensual but soon becomes needy as Amelia goes to unbutton and unzip my pants.

"Amelia." I say, trying to get her attention as I pull away to breath but she attaches herself to my pulse point. "Amy wait." I say again and she stops her movements immediately and pulls away.

"What's wrong?" she questions, releasing me from her grasp and I groan at the newfound lack of contact.

"I only have one leg."

"And?"

"And I haven't had shower sex since it was removed, balancing on one leg in the shower isn't the easiest thing to do, I normally sit down to shower. I'm just not sure if this is going to work." I tell her sheepishly. Her head tilts and she looks at me, then the shower before turning back to face me.

"I hadn't thought about that but I still think we can make this work, do you trust me?" Of course I do, without a doubt. I nod my head and move to continue removing my pants. She quickly removes her own clothing before helping me remove the top I am wearing. I balance myself against the wall, very naked and aware of my current state but needing her to make the first step because I am unsure of her plan. I look at her, she is basically staring holes in my body, making me feel a little self conscious.

"What are you staring at?"

"You're so sexy, I can't believe I got so lucky."

I use my leg to get as close to the shower as I can before removing it and wrapping my arm around Amelia's neck for her to help me. Once we are in the shower she instructs me to wrap my leg around her back, holding onto her upper body with my arms. She grasps my ass, using it to hold me up as well as squeezing it slightly causing me to groan. She walks forwards until i feel the cold wall against my back.

"The bar is beneath you okay? If you fall slightly you should land sat on it. Okay?" She explains and I look down to see the bars I had installed after my leg was removed and nod showing my understanding.

"Okay, I'm okay." I tell her and she attaches her lips to my neck, nibbling and sucking on my pulse point. She uses her body to keep me pressed against the wall, I feel her nipples harden against my chest and know she is just as turned on as I am. When she pulls away she attempts to move one of her hands from my ass but I feel myself falling.

"Put me down a minute." I tell her and she immediately complies with my request. I use the rails and move myself into the corner of the shower, stood on one leg but using my arms to hold me up.

"Are you okay?" She asks, water running down both of our faces.

"Yeah, if I stay like this and use my arms to hold myself up can you make it work?" I ask her, not wanting to give up just yet.

"Definitely, now I can do this." She tells me, placing her hands on her breasts and pressing a leg between my own. Her hands squeeze gently, tracing her thumbs across the sensitive buds on my breasts. My nipples harden further which I didn't believe was possible. I grind against her leg, trying to satisfy the ache between my thighs but unable to do so.

"Amy, please." I pant, which gets her attention. She wraps one arm around my back, grasping my ass and snakes the other between our bodies. She makes makes hazy circles around my sensitive bundle of nerves, not quite satisfying my needs. Just as I am about to complain and beg for more she must understand what I need as she presses two fingers into my centre, spreading them a little to stretch my walls. My leg begins to crumble but she catches me until I rebalance using my arms to hold me up.

"You okay?" She questions before continuing.

"I'm amazing, keep going please." I tell her and she doesn't wait to continue her ministrations, removing her fingers and reburying them inside me, slow and firm. The base of her hand has been swiping against my clit, I'm becoming more sensitive by the moment. She stretches her thumb so it can reach my sensitive nerves rubbing them with each internal thrust gradually adding more pressure. It doesn't take long until I can feel my orgasm approaching. Amelia picks up her pace and I move to wrap my arms around her neck. A few thrusts later I am coming apart in her arms. She removes her fingers and moves her hand to join the other to help hold me up.

Once my pleasure has subdued I rest my forehead in the crook of my girlfriends neck, allowing her to hold me up.

"That," I begin. "Was amazing. You're amazing."

"We should actually shower, wash our hair and what not. We have to leave soon."

"I haven't had chance to repay the favor." I groan but she just grins.

"I guess that means you owe me one tonight. Can you pass me the shampoo?"

* * *

Amelia POV

45 minutes later I pull up at Meredith's. We are greeted by Zola and Bailey who are complaining that we are 10 minutes late which makes us both laugh. I apologise profusely which results in two very giggly children. Not long later we are sat around the living room in a big circle. I make sure Arizona is on the couch, knowing how sitting on the floor for long periods of time can make her leg uncomfortable and I sit on the floor with Bailey on my knee. Zola had first choice of game and she chose 'What am I?' The one where you each have a headband with a card in it. My niece passes out the headbands and I make sure Bailey's is on first, before adjusting my own. I look to Arizona and laugh, her head band has a ridiculous picture of a cartoon brain with googly eyes and teeth.

'What?' She questions, wondering what I'm laughing at.

'Nothing, this just suits you. Comfy clothes, all chilled out playing a kids game. I like it."

"Get used to it." Meredith interrupts, since you moved out Zola is insisting we make this a regular thing."

"Zozo, is Sof invited to these game nights too?" I ask the little girl.

"Duh, Zona has to come and she can't leave Sofia alone. She is only 9."

"Yeah Amelia, duh." Arizona adds, mimicking my nieces use of words.

"Hey, I didn't come all the way here to have you two gang up on me. I thought we were here to play games." I say, smiling. Zola agrees we should play the game so Bailey would have time for his turn to make a game choice.

We each took our turn to guess what we were, the kids needed a bit of extra help so we gave a few clues. Once we had finished Meredith packed the game away and Bailey decided we should play twister. I notice my girlfriend looking slightly hesitant and suggest she does the spinning and gives instructions. Meredith also decided she would help give instructions so that left me, Maggie and the kids on the mat. Just as the game was getting started we realised we had the slight issue of Bailey not knowing his left from right.

"Bailey, you know your ABC's right?" Arizona asks, and he proceeds to sing the full alphabet to her making us laugh. "Excellent, I have an idea. Meredith do you have a kids marker?"

"Drawer behind you, right hand side." My sister instructs. She finds a marker and walks towards the little boy. She draws an L on his left hand and ask him what letter it is. When he responds correctly she does the same but with an R on his right side.

"L is for Left, R is for Right. This was you can work it out yourself, is that okay?"

Bailey nods eagerly, excited at the concept of being able to play the game without help.

Two games of twister later we are all exhausted. Bailey and Zola can barely keep their eyes open and My sisters and girlfriend have devoured multiple bottles of wine. I offer to take the kids to bed. Zola sits with me in Bailey's room while I read a bedtime story. Once the boy is asleep we make our way to Zola's room so she can get her PJs on and I can tuck her in.

"Aunty 'Melia, why didn't Zona want to play twister?" Zola asks me once she is in bed. I kneel down by the edge of the bed, wondering how I answer her question without divulging Arizona's personal problems.

"Arizona has a problem with her leg which makes playing twister difficult. But it made her happy to play with the spinner." I explain to the younger girl.

"I know about her leg, it was amputated. Half of one of them is pretend so she can walk, Sofia told me." Zola replies, suddenly sounding very mature for her age.

"That's right, you're so clever." I compliment her. "And the pretend leg doesn't work like a normal leg which makes games like twister a little bit more tricky. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, does not having a leg hurt?"

"Not anymore. When the leg was poorly it will have hurt, and sometimes if the pretend leg is in the wrong position it can be a little sore but not having a leg doesn't hurt. Do you have any more questions?" I ask, wanting to make sure I haven't left anything unknown.

"Nope, not right now."

"Okay, well if you think of any more you know you can ask right? Me or Zona. I'm sure she won't mind if you have questions." I explain.

"I know. Good night Aunty Melia."

"Good night sweetie, sleep tight."

When I leave Zola's bedroom I see Arizona waiting outside the door.

"That was a really good explanation for her. You're right, I wouldn't mind if she asked, I have explained it all to Sof so it's pretty much the same." She tells me, wrapping her arm around my waist.

"Thanks, she's a curious kid. I always try to answer her as honestly as possible but I never know if I've gone into too much detail."

"What you said sounded perfect. She is lucky to have you as her Aunty." Arizona compliments and I feel myself blush a little.

"Thank you. Let's go home. I believe we started a little something earlier that we didn't get to finish." I whisper into her ear.

"Home sounds good."

When we arrive back home Arizona heads straight to the bathroom while I head to our bedroom. I begin to remove my clothes when my girlfriend enters the room. She closes the door behind her and follows suit, removing her clothes as well. She follows me toward the bed and I sit down, shuffling my body back to create room for Arizona. She tentatively crawls up over me, tracing her hands up my sides until they lay either side of my bed. She leans in slowly and begins to kiss me, gentle as always.

"Stop, I'm eating your hair." I tell her, passing the hair tie from my wrist and she takes it. She quickly throws her hair into a ponytail before coming back to join me.

"Better?"

"Yeah, thanks. Where were we?" I respond and she rolls her eyes, taking my lips back in her own.

I move my legs, positioning them either side of her body. I can feel her legs and the base of her stomach grazing over my sensitive area. I lift my hips, trying to create more friction. Arizona clearly understands what I'm asking for as she pulls away from the embrace to look at my face.

"May I have the pleasure of eating you out?" She asks with a huge grin.

"That is the weirdest possible way you could have worded that question." I choke out in a full on belly laugh.

"You didn't answer the question."

"Yes, I would like that." I say, still trying to stop laughing.

Arizona places a quick kiss on my lips before moving her way down my body, licking and kissing every little patch of skin. Working her way down she gets to my hips. She slowly traces my faded stretch marks with her fingertips before moving further down and parting my lips. I lift my head and I can see her contemplating her next movement. Watching her face over my pelvic area is the most erotic sight I can possibly imagine.

The thought of what is about to happen causes my privates to throb. The anticipation is too much, I have been thinking about this since our shower sex earlier this evening.

"Happy to see me?" Arizona questions, dragging her index finger through the liquid that has been slowly leaking out of me. My hips raise at her movements and it is difficult to focus on anything other than my current situation.

"Y- you have no idea." I manage to reply.

"I think I have a slight idea based on the wetness coating your thighs." She mentions causally. Before I have a chance to reply she runs her tongue up passed my centre, gathering all of my juices. Her tongue runs higher, glazing over my clit and I feel a moan catch in my throat. She makes small circles around the bundle of nerves, adding additional sucks and kisses every so often. It doesn't take too long until I know I am close. Once upon a time, not so long ago I would be embarrassed to get this close so quickly but at the moment it is the least of my concerns.

When I think I am about to tip over the edge Arizona moves her attention lower, using her tongue to enter me. This is a totally new sensation, an indescribable feeling. Although she can not delve as deep as she can with her fingers, her skills make up for it. I'm not sure of her exact moves but I feel a sudden rush of pleasure commencing from my lower half and continuing upward slowly taking over my body. Despite my being close, I had not anticipated the sudden initiation of my orgasm. I open my mouth in an attempt to moan my girlfriends name but no sound is able to escape me. As I slowly come down from my high, Arizona attempts to clean up my juices. I swat her away due to the overwhelming sensitivity I am feeling and she clearly understands, making her way up the bed to lay with me.

"Are you okay?" She questions, laying her head next to my own.

I open my mouth to reply but my attempts to form words fail once more, my head still cloudy from the previous pleasure I had received. Instead of words I settle with a nod of my head and I feel Arizona wriggle, moving to cover our naked bodies with the blanket we had kicked to the edge of the bed.

Once I have regained control of my body I roll onto my side, moving my hand to cup Arizona's face.

"You know the other night I said we had the best sex of my life? Scrap that. I have no idea what you just did but it was fucking awesome!"

"I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"Arizona…" I say, smirking at my extremely hot girlfriend.

"What?"

"Can I open that Ben and Jerry's carton that I may or may not have spotted in your freezer?" I ask her and she smiles giving me her stereotypical eye roll. I have learned that it's normally something she does when I've done something weird that makes happy. Watching her roll her eyes like that has become one of my all time favourite sights, it means I have made her happy. Knowing I've made her happy makes me happy. She makes me happy.

"Az do you want chocolate fudge brownie or cookie dough?" I yell to the bedroom. Arizona quickly responds cookie dough and I grab the carton and two spoons before making my way back to the bedroom.

"Where did my nickname Az come from? Not that I'm complaining, it's just weird, nobody has come up with that before." Arizona questions, bringing a spoonful of ice cream to get mouth.

"I love your name, but you've got to admit its a mouthful." I tell her honestly.

"It has the same number of syllables as your name"

"Which you frequently shorten to Amy." I quickly respond, further arguing my case.

"But why not 'Zona' or 'Ari'?" She questions, looking for a more serious answer this time.

"The kids call you Zona, whenever I say it it makes me think of the adorable munchkins so I couldn't say that during any of our sexy times. And Ari… Well a character called Ari killed one of my favourite characters in a TV show and honestly I have never forgiven the writers."

"That's your answer? Seriously?" She asks, raising her right eyebrow.

"Also I wanted a name that only I could call you, an us thing. Are you okay with me calling you that?"

"Yeah, it's just different. I like it though." My girlfriend tells me, giving me a slightly wonky smile.

"I love you." I tell her easily, the words just flow from my lips.

"I love you too."

* * *

**So this is the last chapter before Sofia arrives, so you have that to look forward to.**

**I know I posted this on the last chapter but I need responses please (apologies to those of you who have already answered.)**

**Anyways, how would you feel about Addison making an appearance in the future? Her and Amelia have one of the best relationships and I think it would benefit the story.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

So Amelia fans, how about the new episode??? It made me so happy but I have so many questions argshshsb.

Anyway, here is chapter 7, enjoy!

* * *

**Amelia POV**

We are waiting at the airport for Sofia's flight to get it. Arizona has got special approval to wait at the gate for the planes arrival rather than the waiting area due to Sofia's young age and the fact that she is flying alone. My girlfriend has been frantic all morning, making sure everything is tidy and cooking meals she can freeze to make sure there is food in at all times. Now we are at the gate, all she can do it wait so she has switched to fidgeting with her hands and picking at the skin around her fingers. I reach over to take her hand, holding it in my own to try and stop fidgeting and she turns to look at me.

"It's okay, Sofia will be here any moment." I tell her, trying to he comforting but instead she just looks more concerned. "What's going on?" I add, hoping the blonde will open up to me.

"I hate that she has to fly to get here. I am terrified of planes, I won't even set food on one anymore and now my daughter is in the air alone. What if something happens and there is no one there with her?"

I should have realised sooner that her attitude whilst Sofia is on a plane all stemmed from her own fear.

"Hey, it's okay. Sofia is fine. Her plane will land any minute, we will help her collect her luggage then we are out of here. Everything is okay." I tell her, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her closer.

"I know, I just need her to land."

After around 15 minutes we see the young girl charging towards us, running straight into Arizona's arms.

After a quick welcome we make our way through to collect Sofia's luggage. We know she has a couple of suitcases, Callie had sent pictures of both of them so we would know what to grab. It doesn't take long for the young girl to spot her luggage and I offer to go get it from the conveyor belt, allowing mother and daughter to stay back and have a quick catch up.

With luggage collected we make our way out of the airport and to the car.

"Melia, will you sit in the back with me?" The young girl asks as I open the car door to let her in. I look to Arizona, getting a nod of approval before replying.

"Sure princess, let me just help your mom get the bags in the trunk."

Our hope that we would be back in time to eat dinner at home quickly turns into a fantasy as the evening traffic has begun. We decide to stop off to grab a bite to eat to let traffic ease. Sofia decided she wanted mexican food and Arizona suggests a place I've never heard of but Sofia seems thrilled at the idea. Telling me all about her favorite dishes.

"Hey Sof, I don't eat Mexican regularly so I'm not sure what to get, what do you think?" I ask the young girl, partially because it's true, I'm not an experienced mexican food eater but also as a way of initiating conversation.

"You have to try to Enchiladas! They're the best from here!" Sofia exclaims, a huge smile spreading across her small face.

"They are? I'm not sure I believe you." I tease.

"Mom tell her." Sofia begs, looking to my girlfriend.

"She's right Amelia, they are the best." Arizona replies, placing her arm around her daughter's shoulder.

"I guess I'll have to try them then."

"You were right Sof, those Enchiladas definitely were the best, and they came with steak fries which happen to be my favourite type of fry."

"I told you! Now you have to try the cinnamon churro!"

"I am stuffed, I don't think I could eat anything more if I tried."

"Why don't we get the churro to take home? Then we can let our stomachs have a rest." Arizona suggests and Sofia approves of the idea. I get up to go pay the bill. Arizona tries to stop me, to pay herself but Sofia is very busy telling her about everything and anything she has done since she was last in Seattle. When we are back in the car I get Sofia's attention, showing her Spotify open on my phone. She quickly takes the phone typing in the song she wants and I smile seeing her choice. I am connected to Arizona's car bluetooth so as soon as I click play it begins to blast through all the speakers. Arizona looks in her mirror to see us smiling in the back seats and shakes her head before joining us singing 'How Far I'll Go' from Moana.

The rest of the car ride is filled with a range of disney songs, going through each of our favorites. According to my girlfriend and her daughter I make an excellent Pumbaa, not the compliment I expected to receive but one that I gladly take. It does not matter that none of us can sing in tune, we just enjoy the time together. Myself, Arizona, Sofia, living together domestically is an idea I am becoming increasingly excited about. I cannot wait for our new beginning as a family.

* * *

"Okay kiddo, what do you want to do tonight?" I ask her as we walk into the apartment, twisting the suitcases to awkward angles to get them around the door.

"Can we sort my stuff out? So my room is finished and Zola can come round?" She asks enthusiastically.

"I think Zola has plans tonight honey." Arizona says as she walks into the room but maybe you can see her tomorrow when I have finished work?" She continues bringing the smile back to the young girls face.

"Well tomorrow is a Saturday and I'm not at work so why don't we do something with Zola and then we can come back here to have dinner when your mom finishes work." I suggest, looking to get Arizona's approval as well as Sofia's.

"Can we mom?" Sofia turns around giving her mother the cutest little smile.

"I don't see why not, as long as we get your bags sorted tonight." Arizona replies and Sofia leaps across the room throwing her arms around Arizona.

"Thank you mom! Thanks Melia!" She says, moving to give me a hug as well.

Arizona leaves the room again to bring in the second suitcase as I get on the floor to open the first.

"Hey Az, could you bring my speaker from my bedside cabinet please?" I yell whilst she is still out of the room.

A few moments later she arrives with the bluetooth speaker I asked for and I connect my phone, continuing our disney playlist from earlier. We work out a system for unpacking - Arizona is staying by the wardrobe and drawers, I am sat on the floor passing piles of clothing, separating those that stay folded from those that get hung up. Sofia is working her way through school supplies and books from her previous school, as well as toys and other loose items. It doesn't take long until most of Sofia's belongings are arranged in her room, just a few loose items that are yet to find a home. Just as I am rearranging the photos on the windowsill to fit on a couple more breaking free from high school musical comes on. I immediately begin to sing along which creates giggles from my girlfriend and her daughter.

"What? I used to love these films."

"What is it from Melia?" Sofia pipes up quietly.

"Really? Have you never seen high school musical? Az I blame you for this. We need to rectify this situation. Right now." I say to them, a sense of urgency in my voice which causes more giggles from Sofia but just a raised eyebrow from my girlfriend. "Pj's on, meet in the living room in 5 minutes." I say running out of the room to go get changed.

Arizona follows me through to our bedroom a few minutes later. I am kneeling down on the floor going through my box of books and DVDs to find my long lost trilogy.

"Really? You have the high school musical DVD?" I hear Arizona ask from behind me.

"Not the movie, I have all of them. All 3, and the crappy spin of Movie about Sharpay and her dog." I tell her as I come across the desired items.

"Oh my god you are such a nerd. Please tell me we do not have to watch all of these tonight."

"Nah, just the first one. I love these things but they're so cheesy, I could never watch them all at once." I tell her, placing my hand at the base of her back and kissing her.

"My daughter is going to wonder where we are." Arizona so I place a quick kiss on her cheek and leave to set up the disk.

10 minutes later we are sat on the couch. Myself and Arizona taking either end and Sofia in the middle. We have heated the tray of churros from earlier and I have grabbed the bigger blanket from the bedroom to allow us all underneath.

"Okay Melia, I'm ready, click play!" Sofia tells me once she has snuggled into Arizona's side.

"Okay, let's begin."

* * *

As the credits begin I turn to look at Az and Sofia beside me. Sofia has a big smile on her face but Arizona just looks perplexed.

"How can something be so bad and why did I enjoy it so much?" Arizona questions and Sofia interrupts before I have chance to reply.

"It wasn't bad Mom it was amaaazing!" She tells her and I see know how much she actually enjoyed it.

"Yeah it was! Now you know why you needed to watch it, and there are two more to watch. "

"And it had the man from Greatest Showman!" Sofia says cheerfully.

"Okay, that breaks me. Zac Efron is amazing but the fact that today's generation will know him for Greatest Showman and not High School Musical, it's just too much."

"Okay Amy, I think you need to calm down a little. I didn't realise your Zac Efron obsession went quite this deep." My girlfriend tells me, glancing down at her daughter who I can see giggling.

"Just look at him. He's a beautiful creation, you've got to admit it. I had a crush on him for so long." Arizona looks at me with a serious face and I begin to wonder whether I have said something wrong.

"Amy, honey. I can see this means a lot to you but I am gay, so no. I don't quite see what you're referring to." She says, slowing erupting in laughter.

Her laughter comes to a halt when Sofia tugs gently at her sleeve and leans in to whisper something in her mother's ear.

"It's okay baby, you don't have to whisper." Arizona tells Sofia before pulling away but the girl just watches and stares at her mother.

"Amelia is Bisexual sweetie do you remember what that means?" Arizona asks but the girl shakes her head. "You know how I only like to kiss girls but Mama is different and sometimes likes to kiss boys and other times likes to kiss girls? Well Amelia is a bit like Mama, sometimes she thinks boys are pretty and sometimes she thinks girls are pretty." I smile at the interaction between the two. Due to Sofia's abnormal parental situation, having a biological father but being raised by two women who were in a lesbian relationship I can imagine sexuality isn't a topic they're afraid to discuss. "Does that make sense?" Arizona continues and Sofia nods her head.

"So you used to kiss boys?" Sofia asks me and I smile at her.

"Sometimes I would, and sometimes i would kiss girls, but the only person I kiss right now is your Mom. Is that okay?" I ask.

"Yeah. I like that you live here now." Sofia tells me and it makes my heart swell.

"I'm glad because I never want to leave guys." I tell her, reaching in to tickle her sides and she starts to thrash on the chair.

"Melia stop, I need to pee." She tells me and I retract my arms so she can get up.

"Brush your teeth in the bathroom Sof because then it's time for bed. Okay?" Arizona says as Sofia climbs out of the blankets.

"Yep. Night Melia."

"Goodnight kiddo, sleep tight!"

* * *

Arizona and I do not wait up long after Sof is in bed, it has been a long day and we are both exhausted. As we are climbing into bed I suddenly question my choice of sleeping attire. Normally I would sleep in my underwear but with Sofia being home alongside my scars i'm not sure what to wear.

"What is the likelihood of Sofia walking in overnight? Or like, waking up before us?" I ask my girlfriend. Last time Sofia was here I didn't live here so I just wore longer pants and a top.

"I'm not sure. She should sleep pretty well because it's later in New York than it is for us so she should be out like a light but honestly kids are unpredictable so unsure. Why?" Arizona asks lightheartedly and I suddenly feel very self conscious. Arizona has been so accepting and we are at the point where she hardly seems to notice the scars my body holds so it feels difficult to bring up.

"My legs, I'm not sure what to wear." I tell her looking down and attempting to avoid eye contact.

"Honestly it's up to you. I doubt she would see anything anyway and you haven't got dressings on or anything at the moment. Just make sure you have at least underwear on, don't want to be flashing your boobs at my daughter in your sleep." Arizona explains but I still feel hesitant." Amy, she probably won't see your legs but if she did we would explain the basics and nothing else would come of it."

"But what if it scares her, or she tells someone else?" I ask my girlfriend, voicing my genuine concerns.

"You're not going to scare her away, she loves spending time with you and if on the off chance she saw anything ae would explain that its personal and that she should talk to us if she has questions. I know she is young but she is old enough to understand the concept of privacy." Arizona tells me and I nod my head. I replace my underwear with some pyjama shorts that would cover some of my thighs but not all and climb into bed.

"I'm sorry for being stressy." I say as I shift myself towards her.

"It's fine, don't worry about it. Now come here so we can snuggle until we fall asleep."

* * *

Thanks for reading. Also thanks for replying and reviewing about bringing Addison in for a few chapters. It will be happening, not immediately or anythinf but I've worked out how to write it in so thats good.

Sorry if updates are a bit slower, I'm back at University now so I have much less free time.


	8. Chapter 8

This is a dark story and I knew when I started writing it the chapters would have many dark topics but thats why writing fluff like this makes me so happy. Enjoy!

* * *

**Amelia POV**

"Amelia, wake up." I hear Arizona's voice from beside me. I roll over, surprised to see her out of bed and dressed. "I'm leaving for work, you sure you're okay with Sof today?" She asks and I yawn, sitting myself up and leaning against the headboard.

"Yeah, we will be fine. Is she still in bed?"

"Yeah, she probably won't sleep for much longer so I thought I would wake you. Also now you're awake I can give you a proper kiss goodbye." She tells me as she walks around to my side of the bed. She leans down towards me slowly but I place my hand on the back of her of her head, pulling her closer to increase the pace. The kiss is slow and light but oh so loving.

"This is the best reason to be woken up. I love you, have a good day at work." I tell her, still bleary eyed from my recent awakening.

"See you later."

After thirty minutes or so I am up, wearing pyjamas and sat on the couch with the TV on quietly. I can hear movement coming from Sofia's room so I expect she will be up soon. This is the first time I have been left alone with her for a long period of time and I find myself unsure of what I should be doing. I have been left to babysit Derek's kids many times and I know exactly what I'm doing but Sof is a completely different kid. I'm am not sure why it feels so different and I am truly fine looking after her, it's just a new situation.

When Sofia doesn't come out of her room I find myself walking in her direction to check everything is okay. I can hear rummaging from behind her closed door so I knock before entering.

"You okay in there Sof?" I say as I open the door. The young girl looks distraught, I can tell she has been crying and her bottom lip is quivering. "Sofia honey, what's the matter?" I ask her softly, making my way over to the bed.

"I can't find it."

"Can't find what baby?" I ask but her tears begin to flow again. I hold my arms out, not moving from her bed but offering a comforting hug. She makes her way towards me, accepting the physical comfort I was offering. I hold the young girl against me, stroking her hair away from her face and rocking our bodies slightly. She gradually begins to calm down so I try again to talk to her.

"So what can't you find huh? Maybe I could help you look."

"It's a stuffed bear from my Papa. Mama said she packed it but I can't find it."

"Okay, what does it look like?" Sofia goes on to describe the bear and I listen carefully to everything she says.

"And did you unpack it yesterday?" I question, hoping that she did so we know it would be in the apartment but she shakes her head.

"I can't remember."

"Okay, why don't we ask your Mama, do you know her phone number?" Sofia goes into her bag and brings out a small cell phone, telling me its her emergency phone. I open the contacts and decide I would call from my own phone, not wanting to rack up a bill on the young girls. I type Callie's number and click dial.

A short conversation later I pass the phone to Sofia to talk to her mother while I check the front pocket of the suitcase where Callie had advised me to look.

"Hey Sof, is this it?" I ask passing the toy and a huge smile appears on her face.

"Yes! Thank you Melia!"

"No worries. I'm thinking french toast for breakfast, how does that sound?"

"Amazing. Thank you!"

"Okay, I'll leave you to talk to your Mama, come through when you're ready."

I leave Sofia's room and my immediate thought was that I should update Arizona. I know that the problem is solved now but Sofia was really upset. I realise I cannot message my girlfriend because Sof is using my phone so I make a mental note to message her and begin to prepare food. I put on some music quietly using the radio and heat up the pan, humming along to the tunes. Sofia walks through to the kitchen as I am beginning to whisk some eggs.

"Hey kiddo, you feeling better now?" I ask her, placing the dish on the surface.

"Yeah. I was just worried I had left it in New York. I'm okay now. Can I help with food?"

"Sure, do you want to dunk the bread?"

It doesn't take me long to realise that Sofia has no idea what she is doing. I stop to help her, demonstrating what to do and then allowing her to continue, making sure to give clear, precise instructions. It's a slow process but she seems to be enjoying herself.

"Okay Sof, I'm almost done. Do you want to set the table?" I ask her and she ducks out from under my arm, running to get place mats and cutlery. I follow her to the table, making sure to turn the stove off.

"Do you want water too Melia?" Sofia asks me, getting two cups out of the dishwasher.

"That sounds good, thank you."

We sit down together at the table to eat our food. We plan a trip to the movies to see the new Lion King movie with Zola later but we still have a few hours to spare to chill out beforehand. I sort out the dishes in the kitchen before moving to have a shower, letting Sofia know where I am going first.

I don't take long in the shower, not wanting to leave Sofia alone. I understand that she is old enough to be left to play in the apartment but this whole situation is new to me, suddenly being a responsible adult in this child's life. Also the idea that Arizona knows all my deepest issues and still trusts me with her daughter means so much to me, and now I have to prove to her that she was right to trust me. I dry myself and get dressed, keeping the towel over my shoulders while my hair dries.

When I reenter the living room Sofia has the TV turned on but is focusing on drawing something. I move to sit near her, taking a pencil and a sheet of paper so I can join her with her drawing.

"Amelia, did you know my Dad?" She asks, turning her attention to me from her drawing.

"I did. I actually knew him before your moms." I tell her smiling.

"My Mama won't talk about him, it makes her too sad." She continues, looking unsure of where she is going with the topic.

"I understand that. Sometimes when someone we love dies it makes it really difficult to talk about them."

"Why?" She asks me curiously.

"Because it reminds us of how much we miss them." I reply honestly. "Why are you asking?"

"I don't remember him. We have pictures and sometimes people say his name but I don't remember what he was like." Her face shows a sad smile, trying to recall who should have been one of the most important figures in her life.

"He was mischievous, especially when he was younger. He had lots of friends and always tried really hard with everything. Sometimes he was a bit silly because he wanted to have fun all the time. He really wanted to help people have better lives, that's why he was a doctor."

"Can I be a doctor to help people too?" Sofia asks in the most enthusiastic little voice.

"If you want to, but you have a long time to figure that out." I tell her, happy to see she has picked up her pencil and is continuing to draw.

"Wow Melia, thats me!" Sofia says looking over at my quick sketch. "Mom didn't tell me you were good at drawing."

"It is you. I haven't drawn pictures like this in a long time."

"Can you draw Mom and you behind me? Then I can color it in?" Sofia asked, her eyes big and hopeful. I'm reluctant but her little face is so cute I can't say no.

It was just a quick sketch so it doesn't take long to add Arizona into the side. I have studied her face many times so it basically flows from memory. Drawing myself however was more difficult. I try to avoid looking at myself in mirrors and I don't have that many current photographs of myself because I always feel self conscious when I look at them. I think back quickly and remember Sofia's last birthday, Arizona and I had a photo with the kids. I get it up on my phone and cringe, but quickly sketch my facial features whilst trying to ignore the fact that it's myself. When I am finished I pass the paper to Sofia who quickly passes it back saying I need to write my name and the date on the back. I follow the girls instructions before giving her the paper for her to color.

While the girl is coloring I take a moment to message Meredith, double checking I am still okay to take Zola this afternoon. I also message Arizona, letting her know about Sofia's upset this morning and calling Callie. I made sure to let her know all is fine now and we are having a nice quiet morning.

Meredith replied to my message informing me that all is okay to take Zola but she is currently at hospital daycare as she is working.

"Hey Sof, we need to pick Zola up from the hospital in a bit so if we leave a little early we can see if your Mom is busy, maybe say hi."

"Really?" This kid is so enthusiastic about everything.

"Sure, but only if she isn't busy. We don't want to interrupt her while she is doing something important." I tell the girl on a serious note.

"Yeah I understand. That's okay."

* * *

We make our way through the hospital, stopping by the paediatric ward to check if Arizona is around but come up empty. After checking the cafeteria and coming up empty again we finally find my girlfriend in the attendings lounge.

"Mom! Amelia said we could say hi when we pick Zola up from daycare." Sofia says, running into her mother's arms. Arizona wraps her arms around her daughter, looking up and smiling at me.

"My two favourite people are always welcome to come say hello. How was your morning?" Arizona asks her daughter, turning to look at her rather than myself.

"Melia told me about my dad."

This statement catches Arizona by surprise and she moves Sofia round to sit on the couch next to her.

"She did?" Arizona questions, looking back and forth between us.

"Yeah, she was asking questions, I hope that's okay." I tell Arizona honestly. I suddenly feel guilty for my behaviour, like I had done something wrong.

"That's okay, but you know you can ask me if you have questions as well sweetheart, don't you?" Arizona asks Sofia and I feel myself relax, now understanding that Arizona's hesitance was towards the sensitive topic and her own uninvolvement rather than my words.

"Mama gets upset when I talk about him, I didn't want you to get upset too." The young girl replies solemnly. I look at Arizona and then the door, offering to leave while they have this conversation but the blonde shakes her head, instead patting the chair beside her offering me to sit with them.

"Mama was very close with your dad but it's okay if you want to talk about him, or ask questions. You can always talk to me." She explains to her daughter, rubbing circles on the young girls back.

"I'm sorry Mom."

"Don't be. Did Amelia answer your questions?"

"Yeah, and she told me other things too, like what did was like when he was little." Sofia says, her small smile gradually making its way back to her face.

"I'm glad. If you ever have more questions you can ask baby, me or Amelia."

"Even if it's sad?" Sofia asks looking at me this time, rather than her mother.

"Especially when it's sad. You can't deal with all the sad feelings on your own." I tell her and Arizona nods along with me.

"Exactly baby. Now, you two give me a big hug because I need to get back to work and I believe you have fun plans."

Arizona gives Sofia a hug then pulls me in for a hug, kissing my cheek then placing her head on my shoulder.

"Thank you for talking to her about this." She whispers in my ear and I nod in response, letting her know it's okay.

"Okay Sof, say bye to your Mom, we need to go get Zola." I say walking to leave the room.

"Bye Mom, I love you."

"I love you too baby."

I take Sofia's hand as we walk towards daycare to pick up Zola. When we arrive Zola runs towards us, throwing her arms around her friend.

"Sofia! Is it true that you're back to stay? Does that mean you'll be coming to my school again?" Zola asks her friend excitedly so I allow them to talk, turning to sign my niece out before we leave.

"Okay Kiddos, lets go to the movies." I tell them, taking their hands either side of me.

"Can we get popcorn Aunty Melia?" Zola asks me.

"Of course, we can't go to the movies without popcorn! You two just have to decide what flavour to get."

When we get to the movie theatre the girls are beyond excited. I could practically feel the car bouncing on the way here. We get out of the car and I make sure they stay by my side due to it being Saturday in an overpopulated city. I pay for the tickets and we make our way inside, the girls have decided they want sweet salty popcorn.

"Can we get a slush too Aunty Amelia?" Zola begs and logically I know it's a bad idea but it doesn't take much convincing for me to cave in and give them the sugar. I made a deal with both girls that if I allowed them to have the slushy they would both go to bed without arguments when they're told tonight, and I hope it works. I learned the hard way that bed time with kids on a sugar high does not go well.

Both Zola and Sofia immediately agree to my offer so I pay for them both to get their drinks, making sure only to get the small size. We make our way to the screen and sit down, waiting for the movie to begin.

* * *

**Arizona POV**

When I arrive home I can hear boisterous activity before I even open the door. I take a moment to listen to the topic of conversation, opening the door slowly. Amelia is arguing with the two nine year olds about the lion king, I'm presuming that's what they saw at the movies this afternoon.

"Mommmmm." Sofia squeals running towards me, grabbing my hand "Amelia took us to see lion king and now she is mad about the characters." She says, but with a big smile that totally contradicts what she was saying.

"Hey, all I said was that they ruined Scar, who by the way, is the all time best Disney Villain." Amelia tells me standing up from the couch and I realise what my daughter was referring to.

"Babe, it's just a movie." I tell my girlfriend and her eyes widen.

"Arizona Robbins… The Lion King is not just a movie, it's a cinematic masterpiece. At least the original was, in this new version they ruined my favourite character." Amelia tells me in a hilariously argumentative tone.

"And what was the awful thing they did to ruin your favourite character?" I say, unsure of whether this question will help or harm the situation.

"They removed the majority of 'Be Prepared' and his voice was just wrong! Scar is supposed to be sassy in a violent way but instead he was pure angry." Amelia vents, trying so hard to get her point across. "I always felt sorry for Scar anyway." She continues, to the shock of both young girls.

"You can't feel sorry for him Melia, he's the bad guy!" Sofia tells Amelia who rolls her eyes at the statement

"Before he got the scar his name was Taka which translates to garbage by the way. Mufasa means king and Taka means garbage. His parents never gave him a chance!"

"Okay babe, I think that's enough Lion King talk for now, you are getting wayyy to frustrated." I tell Amelia, reaching for her hand and leading her into the kitchen.

I lean in to kiss my girlfriend who smiles at contact, moving to kiss me back.

"I don't know why but you getting frustrated and nerdy is extremely sexy." I tell her, pulling away from her but keeping my hand at the base of her back. "So, other than the lion king, how was your day?" I continue.

"It was okay, I mean I messaged you this morning about Sofia getting upset, she lost one of her toys that Mark had given her. I ended up calling Callie to make sure it was packed and she told us it was in the front pocket of the suitcase. I think that's what got her thinking about Mark. Are you sure you're okay with me having that conversation with her?" Amelia asks me, looking concerned.

"I was a little frustrated that she didn't talk to me about it but I understand why she didn't. Y'know I hadn't even realised you knew Mark that well." I tell Amelia honestly. Until I told her about the plane crash she had never even mentioned his name.

"I mean, for as long as I can remember he spent most of his time at my house growing up. He didn't have a good relationship with his parents and Derek was his best friend so he was like another brother to me." Amelia gives me a sad smile.

"I'm sorry." I tell her. Unsure of whether I'm apologising for her loss, or bringing it up or that she had to be the one to talk to Sofia.

"Don't be. Seeing Sofia run around, I see him in her. The way she smiles when she is doing something mischievous, that's Mark's smile."

"I know. I used to hate that smile - on Mark, not Sofia but it grew on me. I guess Mark did too. I hated that he got Callie pregnant but he was an awesome Dad."

"Mark had a habit of sleeping with the wrong people, I figured that out when I caught him screwing Addison." Amelia tells me and I feel myself cringe at the thought.

"This is so weird, its like everyone is connected through Sex. I wouldn't change it though, it gave me Sofia."

"Yeah, she's a pretty awesome kid."

"I'm sorry you had to call Callie, I can't imagine that was the most comfortable situation." I tell Amelia, grateful that she had made the decision but apologetic of the awkward situation.

"Don't worry about it. Sofia comes first and it's not like I had never met Callie. We weren't close but we have spoken a few times. She was actually really nice about the whole situation." Amelia explains and I feel a little less guilty about the event.

"You're amazing, thank you for being here." I wrap my arms around my girlfriend, giving her the biggest hug, thankful for her efforts.

Once we have eaten we give Zola and Sofia a one hour notice, telling them they have an hour to play together before we take Zola home. We leave the girls in the living room and walk through to our bedroom for some well deserved snuggle time.

"I love spending time with the kids but I am exhausted." Amelia tells me as she rests her head on my chest.

"That'll happen when you give them too much sugar. It's okay though, I can sort them tonight if you just want to sleep." I tell my girlfriend, wrapping my arms around her, something I have been waiting all day to do.

"Nah, I'll come too. Work stole you all day today, I've got to make the most of the evenings." She tells me and I smile. I love how accepting she is and has been through this full Sofia coming home situation. For many people the introduction of a child would be too much but Amelia has taken it all in her stride.

"Melia we finished colouring your picture!" Sofia announces, running into the bedroom.

"What picture would this be?" I question, feeling suddenly left out of the conversation.

"Melia drew a picture and let me color it in. She draws really good!"

"Well then, if it's as good as you say I'll have to come have a look." I tell my daughter, shuffling out from under my girlfriend. Amelia groans at the loss of contact but eventually gets up on her feet to follow Sofia and myself through to the couch.

When I see the drawing my daughter had been referring to I feel suddenly emotional. The details were perfect on the underlying sketch, all of the features were simple, yet accurate.

"Wow Sof, you got all the colors perfect." Amelia complements and I feel my heart swell. I trace my fingers over the image, overwhelmed by the love I feel for its creator.

"Amelia, this drawing is amazing." I tell my girlfriend, reaching out to hold her hand.

"Sofia did the hard work, look at the colors she chose, and she stayed in all the lines." Amelia tells me and I can see that she is uncomfortable with the compliments.

"Can I have this?" I question, looking at Amelia and then to Sofia for permission.

"Yeah Mom, you could put it with the others in your office." Sofia replies, clearly not understanding the significance of the drawing.

"Thank you baby. Okay shoes on, it's time to take Zozo home." I tell everybody, changing the topic in hopes of keeping my tears at bay.

* * *

We make quick work of dropping Zola off at home. Amelia makes sure to tell Meredith and remind Zola of the girls promise earlier, ensuring she would go to bed on time despite the sugary drink. She gives Zola a cuddle goodnight and we are on our way. The car ride home is pretty quiet. Sofia is half asleep in the back and Amelia is in her own little world in the passenger seat.

* * *

Once we are back inside I instruct Sofia to brush her teeth and get ready for bed while I tidy up the mess that had been left around the room. Upon arriving home Amelia had headed straight to our bedroom which concerns me but I allow her some time and space.

With the living room now sorted, and the dishes loaded into the dishwasher I make my way through to my daughters room. She is sitting up in bed with a book, not an uncommon way to find her. Sofia loves reading on an evening, ever since she started school it became a thing. I remember one point that I had to put time limits on her reading because otherwise she would still be up at 4am.

"Is Amelia okay Mom? She looked sad in the car." Sofia asks me, placing her book on the bed.

"I know, I'm going to go talk to her after I've said goodnight to you. She will be okay though, she told me she enjoyed spending today with you."

"I liked it too." She tells me with a little smile.

"I'm glad. Good night sweetie, don't stay up reading for too long." I tell her before giving her a kiss on the forehead and leaving the room.

* * *

Thanks for reading!!


	9. Chapter 9

Apologies for the large chunk of this chapter being conversations. As you know a large proportion of this story is Amelia's character development through discussion of feelings and this chapter is evidence of that.

Enjoy.

* * *

**Arizona POV**

When I walk into our bedroom I can see Amelia is deep in thought. On closer inspection I can see she has been using the jar that I made for her, to help her when she was feeling down.

"Can I come in or do you need some space?" I ask, not wanting to interrupt or make any negative feelings worse.

"Sorry, you can come in. I was just processing, y'know?" She tells me and I make my way towards the bed. Removing my jeans and leg so I can get comfortable before crawling over to sit next to her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I query, still unsure of what is going on.

"I don't know."

"Can I ask questions?" I ask her and she nods her head, giving me permission.

"Do you want to cuddle?" I ask her and without a verbal response she makes her way into my arms, resting her head on my chest. "Have you hurt yourself?" I ask her in the least judgemental tone I can find. I am relieved to feel her shaking her head against me.

"I thought about it but I haven't." her body is so tense, not relaxing into the embrace but I am glad she has accepted it.

"Do you know what made you feel like this?" I'm unsure if I'll get an answer to this question.

"I'm sorry, I'm a mess." She responds, being evasive but I let it slide.

"But you're my mess." I joke and I feel her laugh slightly against me. I'm unsure it the laugh is real or not but it makes the situation a little less intense.

"I drew something for Sofia. I haven't done that in a long time."

"Drawn something?" I ask to clarify.

"No, I draw all the time. I just don't share what I draw, it's normally personal stuff y'know."

"I didn't know art was something you're interested in." I tell her, stroking her hair out of her eyes. I can feel her tears soaking through my shirt but it is the least of my concerns.

"I used to love drawing, I would draw all the time, showing off my work, doing it for classes. Then after I was attacked everything changed, I didn't want to communicate with people anymore so I would draw what I was thinking. Whenever I was trying to work out my feelings I would put it on paper but I never wanted to share what I had created anymore.."

"So what changed?" I'm trying to work out the link, the connection of how we got to where we are now with her crying in my arms.

"I could see she was still upset about Mark so I sat next to her and picked up a pencil and it just happened, while we were talking. She sat there, and we talked, and I drew her. I didn't really think much of it. She asked me to add me and you so I did. It didn't really hit me until you were talking about it with her"

"I'm sorry, I'm still not fully following."

"It's like I'm sharing parts of myself that I've always hidden, I'm breaking down my walls. It scares me, like I was fine with you seeing it, and Sofia, she's just a kid so it didn't bother me, but I don't like the idea of you taking it to work. I don't want other people to see it."

"You could have just said that. I would have told you I wasn't planning on taking it to work. I actually wanted to frame it and keep it in the apartment, if that's okay with you." I know Sofia had mentioned I take her artwork to my office but this isn't just another drawing, this is Amelia's work, her heart and soul.

"Could it go in our bedroom? So it's private and guests won't see it?" Amelia asks me shakily and I can tell she is still feeling anxious.

"Of course. Why didn't you just tell me what you were feeling? This is an easy fix."

"I didn't want to upset Sofia. She asked for it to go in your office, I didn't want to go against her."

"She wouldn't have minded, honestly she will be overjoyed that we are keeping it the apartment" I reassure my girlfriend and she begins to relax against me for the first time this evening.

Not too long later, Amelia pulls herself out of our loving embrace. Her face is red and puffy from crying but she still looks stunning.

"Has Sofia gone to bed?" Amelia asks me, her voice is a little raw from crying but she seems calm.

"Yeah, she was worried about you. She said you looked sad and I told her I would check on you once she is in bed. Why?" I question, genuinely unsure of where Amelia is going with this.

"Would you mind if I checked on her? Said goodnight?" I look to my girlfriend and smile, I love her so much.

"Sure, you don't need to ask. If she is still reading can you tell her I said lights out?"

While Amelia is out of the room I take a moment to change. With Amelia being so fragile tonight I opt to sleep in pyjama shorts and a tank top, just incase I need to get up in the night.

"She's out like a light." Amelia tells me quietly, closing the door to our bedroom behind her.

"I'm not surprised, you've worn her out today." I reply, watching her move towards the wardrobe, changing into similar attire.

As she gets closer to the bed I expect her to climb up to join me but she doesn't. Instead she kneels down by the side of the bed, reaching underneath to retrieve something. She pulls out a black backpack that I recall seeing when she was moving in. I hadn't considered what its contents were until today, I had just presumed it was unimportant. With the bag now on the bed she climbs up next to me, tucking her legs up underneath the blankets. She reaches into the bag and passes me what looks to be a sketchbook.

"This is just the most recent one, but you can look if you want." She looks nervous, fumbling with her thumbs. I snake my right arm around her neck, holding her closer, keeping her by my side. I carefully open the book, treasuring the moment and feeling my girlfriends trust. I'm unsure what I expect to find but what I discover is not that. The first image shows two young children, silhouettes surrounded by shadows. The image is offset to the side of the page, leaving a large area of blank space.

"I draw this one quite regularly, always slightly different but the same idea. I can never bring myself to draw the other half."

"What other half?" I ask, still trying to understand the full meaning of the artwork.

"My dad." It suddenly clicks into place, the children positioned on the floor, the shadows, the darkness. This is her and Derek when their dad died.

"This is beautiful Amelia." I say turning the page to look at the next image.

"No, that is beautiful." Amelia says pointing to a drawing of me.

"You're a flirt. When did you draw this?" I ask her, studying the page.

"This one was a few months ago but there are many more of you, scattered among my other stuff. I don't know if that's weird or not." She explains, allowing me to continue looking through.

"I don't know if it's weird but these are amazing. You don't have to hide your artwork. I understand if you don't want me to look through them but you don't have to hide it from me. If drawing helps you work out your thoughts then you can draw whenever you want, even if I'm in the room." I understand why she kept them private but I need her to know that she is safe with me.

"Thanks, I guess." She tells me, still fidgeting with her hands. "You can keep hold of that if you want. There is nothing too bad in it." She continues.

"What do you mean bad? All your art will be amazing."

"I don't mean the actual art, I mean I know some drawings are better than others obviously but it was more about the content. Some of my older ones are really dark."

I nod, accepting what she was telling me and not pushing the topic any further. I close the book, acknowledging that Amelia has had enough of looking at them. I make a mental note to look through the rest of the drawings later.

"Are you okay?" I question. I can see she is still uncomfortable but I'm unsure how I can help the situation.

"No, but I will be." She tells me, pushing her body closer into my own and wrapping her arms around her body.

"Cravings?" I wonder aloud.

"Yeah." Amelia comfirmes bluntly.

"What can I do?" I ask, keeping her held close.

"Just hold me? Until I sleep?"

"Of course. If you need me in the night wake me, please. I don't want you suffering alone." I express, grateful she is allowing me to be there and help her through this situation.

"I'll try."

* * *

**Amelia POV**

Stop. Please stop. Please don't do this, please. I promise I won't call the cops just leave me alone. I just want to go home please don't do this. Don't touch me there please stop. I'm a virgin, I'm not ready for sex. Please don't do this to me. PLEASE IT HURTS STOP. YOU'RE HURTING ME. NONONO PLEASE DON'T-

"Amelia honey, wake up. It's just a dream, you're okay. Wake up for me, you're safe." Arizona's words slowly pull me out of my nightmare and I immediately feel my eyes erupting in tears. "You're okay Amelia, I'm here."

I can hear Arizona talking to me but I am still still terrified. I grab the blankets, pulling up to cover myself as much as possible.

"Okay Amy, stay calm. Your okay."

I nod my head in response but I'm still shaking, terrified of my own thoughts. I clench my fists, trying to remain in control of my body and Arizona notices my actions.

"Amelia you're going to break the skin with your nails you need to let go. Please, do it for me."

I try to shake my head, showing that I can't do what she wishes but I see her reach out her hand, the way she did the first night I stayed here. I take her hand and begin moulding her fingers into shapes, tracing patterns over her skin. Slowly making my way back to reality I realise that Arizona is wiping her own tears with her other hand.

I release my girlfriends hand, slowly sitting up against the headboard of the bed.

"I feel sick." I tell her, speaking for the first time since waking up. She is quick to respond, passing me the small garbage can from her side of the bed and I hold it against me, hoping my stomach will stay under control. "I'm sorry I woke you, are you okay?" I ask Arizona, referring to the tears I had seen on her face moments ago.

"I'm okay now you're awake. You were talking in your sleep. Normally when you get nightmares you mumble a bit, but tonight it was words. You were terrified and I couldn't get you to wake up. I'm sorry if I heard anything I shouldn't have." Arizona says quietly, explaining the situation I was unaware of. Before I have a chance to reply, my stomach gives in, emptying its contents into the bin.

Arizona is quick to respond, reaching to hold my hair back. At first I flinch at the contact, not realising what she was doing but it didn't take long to understand. She puts a hair tie in creating a messy ponytail allowing her to let go and remove any physical contact from the scenario. Once I had finished bringing up yesterday's dinner Arizona passes me a tissue and her bottle of water, both of which I'm extremely grateful for.

"Are you finished?" Arizona asks, pointing to the garbage can in my arms and I nod, allowing her to take it.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with this." I mention, motioning to myself and my current state.

"I'm sorry you have to live it. It's been a while since you've had a nightmare this bad. Do you want my hand back?" Arizona asks and I take it, appreciating how much she does for me.

"What did you hear?" I ask Arizona, unsure of how much I had actually spoken in my unconscious state.

"You were begging for him to stop, over and over. You gradually got more freaked and started thrashing begging him to stop touching you and ehm-" Arizona clears her throat a little and I can see her mentally fighting her own tears "You were getting more and more upset saying he was hurting you. It was bad."

"I'm sorry you heard that. It's not something you should have to think about." I reveal, still upset that I had caused this emotional pain but grateful she hadn't heard all of what I was saying in the dream.

"You should stop apologising, it's not like you can help it. I'm just happy you're letting me be here." Arizona tells me, holding her arms out as an offer for contact if I am ready.

I hesitantly shuffle towards her, slowly entering her embrace. I allow her to hold me but show no returns if affection, instead using my arms to hold my own body.

The thoughts in my head are running wild, something Arizona doesn't talk long to pick up on. "What's going on in that head of yours?" She asks quietly, stroking my hair out of my face once more.

"Would you still come with me if I decided to go to therapy?" I ask Arizona and I see a small smile creep up onto her face. "I think I want to get help but I can't do it on my own. I can't do it without you." Arizona pulls me in, even tighter into her arms.

"Of course, I'm so happy you want to try this. Of course I'll come with you." Arizona tells me wiping my tears from my eyes.

"Thank you."

* * *

So there it is. This chapter is a little shorter than most of the others but I needed the time to be right. I have been working towards this for a long time, my goal to be having Amelia go to therapy, it just took me a long time to be totally happy with the chapter before posting.

Let me know what you think :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Amelia POV**

I've been awake since approximately 3am. I had a stupid nightmare and now I can't get my brain to turn off. Everytime I close my eyes he is there, threatening me, I'm terrified. On top of that there is the thought of today being my first therapy appointment is terrifying. I know I agreed to go, I told Arizona I would go but at this moment, it's a decision I regret. Looking at the clock, I see it's 4:47. I really need to get some sleep tonight but my skin is crawling. Arizona arrived home late last night, she had been paged just before the end of her shift for an emergency consult therefore finding herself trapped in an excruciatingly long surgery.

I try drawing over my thighs with a marker, a technique that sometimes helps stop the pain, but I find no serenity. Against my better judgement I climb out of bed carefully, secretly hoping Arizona will wake but unwilling to intentionally interrupt her sleep. I feel nauseous, knowing what I am about to do to my body but I know it's the only way I'll get any rest. Even if I were to wake my girlfriend we would just stay awake together and I would most likely end up in this situation, using the blade anyway.

Using hot water I scrub at the pen marks, creating a clean gap big enough to cut without the risk of ink poisoning. I make three parallel lines, three lines of blood slowly appearing, seeping through the skin. The guilt of knowing what I'm doing is wrong exists but as soon as I feel the blade against my skin the feeling fades into nothingness. The calm takes over my body, all my fears melt away, just for a few moments but long enough for me to fully calm down. I clean the blade and place it back into the container Arizona had left for me, trading it for antiseptic wipes and dressings. I clean up my legs, making sure not to leave my mess around the bathroom. All traces of blood removed I place dressings over the self created wounds and make my way back to the bedroom.

Arizona is still asleep, none the wiser of my mental battles I have faced tonight. I make my way towards the drawers in our room, searching for a pair of sweatpants. I don't want Sofia to see anything she shouldn't in the situation that she were to enter in the morning. As I am changing I hear Arizona moving around behind me, awakening from her slumber.

"Amy, are you okay?" She asks still half asleep. I know I could tell her the truth but then she would want to talk, discuss feelings and stay awake with me.

"Yeah, I'm just cold. I'll be back in a second." I reply, grateful for the darkness and her not being able to see me. I walk back towards the bed to see Arizona holding the duvet open, her arm outstretched creating space for me to lay in.

Once I'm settled in her arms I pull the covers over us. Her arm is wrapped around my torso, holding me close and I can feel her breath against the back of my neck. Arizona quickly falls back asleep, not being fully awake to begin with probably helps. I feel safe in her arms and begin to rest my eyes. I'm not sure if sleep is going to happen but I'm calm, I'm relaxed. Everything is okay.

* * *

When I wake, there is light coming in from behind the curtains. I roll over expecting to see Arizona except find nothing but an empty bed. I sit myself up and reach for my phone to see that it's a little after 9am and I have a message from my girlfriend.

Good morning, I know you didn't sleep great so I didn't want to wake you. Gone to drop Sofia at Meredith's for the day and will be back soon. I love you. X

The message was sent about half an hour ago so Arizona will be back any minute now. My head is pounding and my emotions are all over the place. I can tell today is going to be a crappy day before I even I climb out of bed. When I get up I grab some clothes before heading to the bathroom to shower and get dressed. Lines of ink can still be found across my legs so I decide to leave the dressing on while I shower to give myself time to remove the pen. After my shower I peel the dressing from my thigh. One of the cuts is slightly deeper than I had believed but I don't think it needs stitches. I open the cupboard, taking out the container with my supplies. When I open it, I am surprised to see it fully stocked despite last night's incident. Arizona must have put more in this morning. I feel guilty for lying to her last night and the fact that she worked it out on her own but I'm more grateful for the fact I have more than the necessary amount of supplies. I clean the wounds and place sterristips over the deeper cut, holding the skin together. I cover the wounds with a fresh dressing and get dressed, rubbing my hair as dry as possible with the towel.

I make my way to the bedroom, brushing and blow drying my hair while I run over every possible situation that could occur at therapy. I am so deep in my own thoughts that I don't hear Arizona enter.

"Good morning. You okay?" She asks, walking over to sit next to me. "You didn't sleep great last night."

"I'm sorry." I say bluntly, jumping straight to the point. There's no reason to tiptoe around the conversation, we both know it'll happen anyway. Even if I wanted to, I don't think I have enough energy to be evasive.

"You don't have to apologise for not sleeping well."

"We both know that's not what I was referring to. I know you know." I tell her and she responds with a sad smile.

"You don't have to apologise for hurting yourself. I'm just happy you let me be there after, even if I was half asleep." She tells me, snaking her arm around my body.

"But I lied to you. I shouldn't have done that." I admit, knowing what I did was wrong.

"No, but you weren't ready to talk. I saw straight through your lie and it's okay."

"How'd you know?" I am genuinely oblivious to her understanding, her knowledge of last night's events.

"I mean, you're not an amazing liar as it is, but also because it was boiling in here last night, you set the thermostat and I know you hate sleeping in pants. It was kind of a dead giveaway." She doesn't sound disappointed in me, she is just honest with me.

"I'm still sorry I lied to you. It felt wrong but I just wanted to go back to sleep." I swallow the lump in my throat, leaning into her body.

"That's okay. Do you want to talk about it now?" She asks, opening up the option.

"Not really." I feel her nodding against me, accepting my choice.

"Okay, then we don't have to talk. Do any of the cuts need checking?"

"Not right now. Can we just lay down? Until we have to leave?" Her face comes to mine, going to kiss me but I pull away. She settles for a forehead kiss before slowly moving our bodies so I can rest my head on her chest.

"This okay?"

"Yeah."

* * *

"I'm not sure I can do this." I tell Arizona as we sit down in the waiting area for my appointment.

"There are no expectations Amelia, none whatsoever. Everything is on your terms, I promise." Arizona responds. Her voice is calm and even, showing full belief in her words. Every inch of my body is telling me to run, it's how I've always dealt with my problems. Whenever anything goes badly I run in the opposite directions instead of facing my problems, and now I'm trapped. I made a promise and I could never hurt Arizona by breaking it, but that means I have to do this. I have to face my problems for us, to give us a chance, to give myself a chance.

Exactly on time a middle aged woman makes her way out of the office and calls my name. Arizona gives my hand quick squeeze, silently telling me it's okay and we both stand up making our way to the office. We make our way into the office and it's scary how similar it is to Violet's office in LA. We take a seat on the large couch in the room and Arizona gives me her hand to hold.

"So I'm Dr Watson, but you can call me Anne. Which of you would be Amelia?"

I keep hold of Arizona's hand, not fully looking up. "That's me."

"That must make you Arizona, I think I spoke to you on the phone." Dr Watson continues and Arizona confirms her suspicions, reaching out to shake her hand.

"Amelia I want to use our first session to get your background, talk about your past and what brought you here, is that okay?" The therapist asks, trying to check if I'm listening I guess. I lift my head a little but don't look at her face.

"I guess."

"Okay so we are going to ask Arizona to go sit outside for a little while so we can talk openly and then we can bring her back in at the end. Sound good?" I squeeze Arizona's hand and look up, looking into my girlfriends eyes. I can feel the panic building in my chest, tears threatening to fall.

"No." I manage to get out, keeping my focus on Arizona.

"Amy it's okay, you're going to be okay." Arizona tells me, not moving from my side.

"You promised you would stay, you said you wouldn't leave." Arizona wipes my tears with her thumbs, turning away from me to look at Dr Watson.

"That's okay Amelia, she can stay. Normally we ask significant others to wait outside because it's easier to talk without them around, get into the deep stuff. Do you want a tissue?" She holds the box out and I shakily reach over to grab one.

"Thanks, I uh" I stutter, "I want Arizona to stay, she knows everything anyway." I wipe my tears and look up to her face for the first time in the session. She is writing something down in a notebook but quickly looks back up to continue the conversation.

"Arizona called you Amy just then, is that a preferred name?" Dr Watson asks, looking from me to Arizona and back again.

"No, only Arizona calls me that." I say honestly.

"May I ask why?"

"Derek, my brother. He used to call me Amy, he was the only one and he died. I don't know why but it's okay when Arizona says it, but if anyone else does it makes me mad I guess."

"Were you and Derek close?"

"He basically raised me. After my dad died my Mom was pretty absent so Derek looked after me. As I got older I pushed him away, but he was always there for me. We began working together again a couple of years before he died."

"And what is it you do for a living?"

"I'm a neurosurgeon. Head of neurosurgery actually." I state, normally I would feel proud and confident discussing my work but I am too focused on the topics yet to come. I'm emotionally exhausted already and I'm unsure of whether I'm physically able to hold myself together.

"That is really impressive. Do you enjoy it?"

"Yeah, it's the one thing I always have the answers to. No matter how shitty I'm feeling I can always do surgery, and I have some of the best recovery rates in the country." I don't mind talking about my job, it's easy.

"Congratulations. So family, tell me about it. Parents, any other siblings?" Dr Watson probably thinks this is a simple question but she is unaware of the complexities of my family life.

"My Mom was a nurse in the Army, my dad owned a corner shore. I was five when he died. I told you about my mom being absent after that."

"Any other siblings?" I look to Arizona and she laughs a little.

"I'm sorry, that's a little more complicated." She gives me a questioning look but lets me continue. "Biologically I have three sisters but we are not close, we haven't been in a long time. Then there is Addison, she was my brother's first wife. They were in school when they met and Addie became another sister to me. She took me to get my ears pierced for my birthday, she taught me about periods, sex, any girl stuff. I am closer to her than any of my other sisters."

"She sounds like a good person, where is she now?"

"Remarried, has a kid, Henry. She lives in LA, I lived there for a while but moved to Seattle to get away."

"You didn't mention Meredith and Maggie." Arizona chips in causing the therapist to look to my girlfriend. "Meredith was Derek's second wife, and Maggie her biological half sister." Arizona tells the doctor and I nod continuing.

"I was living with them and Meredith's kids before moved in with Arizona."

"Any children in the picture?" Anne asks, and I can see she is just trying to get a full understanding of my life but I was hoping this topic didn't make an appearance. Arizona can see my hesitation and begins to talk.

"I have a daughter, Sofia. She's close friends with Amelia's niece Zola. Sofia has just moved back in with us and she loves spending time with Amelia."

"She's a great kid." I add, hoping she won't ask any further questions if I speak a little.

"What about you Amelia? Do you want kids?" She attempts and my thoughts flick to those of the little boy I held in my arms all those years ago.

"I had a son, he died the same day he was born." I admit and I see her face change ever so slightly. It's the look of sympathy, I have seen it so many times, each time making me feel worse. "I don't really want to talk about him right now."

"That's okay. What about a lighter topic? How did you and Arizona meet and how would you describe your relationship?"

"She found me when I was having a bad day and helped me through it." I say, intentionally avoiding details. "She somehow managed to breakdown all my walls. We are currently dating and living together."

"That's good. It sounds like you have a great support network. Okay Amelia, we are going to get into the deeper issues now, are you sure you want Arizona to stay?"

"Yeah, I erm, sometimes I- I have panic attacks sometimes when things get deep and Arizona helps."

"Good, I had to check."

Arizona wraps her arm around my shoulders, pulling me in, allowing me to rest on her and get comfy.

"Okay, Amelia. What brings you here today?" There are so many options here, so many different answers to that question.

"A range of things. Mostly nightmares I guess and-" I trail off, not able to say what I want to say aloud. Dr Watson looks to Arizona to continue.

"Self harm is a big concern." The doctor makes note of what Arizona was saying before looking back to us.

"Okay, I can see that's a sensitive topic but it is important. I'm going to ask some questions and it's up to you whether you reply okay?" I nod my head showing understanding. "When did you start?"

"I was 16, since then it's been on and off." my voice is dry, and croaky. I'm trying my hardest to hold myself together.

"Was there a triggering event?" I look to Arizona and shake my head. She is the only person to know about what happened and it's not something I can talk about easily. "Can Arizona answer for you?"

"Yeah but I don't want to talk about it, please." I look at Dr Watson then to Arizona. I take her hand in my own and she allows me to begin moulding it into shapes.

"She was raped." Arizona's voice is shaky and I hear her swallow the lump in her throat. "I don't think its my place to say anymore." Arizona rubs her free hand up and down my arm, wordlessly letting me know its okay.

"I'm sorry that happened to you. Did you report it?" Until now, Dr Watson had not shown a whole lot of emotions, but at this comment she gives a sad smile.

"No, I uh, can we not. I'm not having a great day today, and I…" I stutter, my words fading away. "Az I really don't want to talk about this." I say, turning my attention to my girlfriend, not moving my attention from her face. I can feel my panic levels rising and Arizona clearly understands.

"Slow breathing, look at me. You're safe, I'm so proud of you for coming. It's all going to be okay." I give in to my emotions, letting myself crumble a little, letting the tears flow. Arizona holds me against her. She keeps whispering sweet nothings in my ear until my breathing begins to calm.

After many attempts to gain more information, discussing more of my past Dr Watson finally realises we are not going to get any further today.

"Amelia we still have 20 minutes of session left but how would you feel about cutting this short, I don't want to do any more harm than good and I can tell we have discussed a lot of difficult topics." I nod my head in response but do not look to the other woman in the room.

"I think that's a good idea." Arizona replies for me but I don't begin to move.

"I do need to ask, is there anything else major from your past I need to be aware of? Will next week be more history taking or the start of therapy itself?" Dr Watson looks kindly at me, awaiting an answer.

"There's more. There's always more." I say dryly, to which the therapist nods knowingly. It's funny, she looks so all knowing and yet she knows nothing of the hell that I've been living.

* * *

"Az, I really need a meeting." I reveal, holding the hems of my long sleeved t shirt over my hands.

"Meeting?" I hear Dr Watson questioning from the background but I can't bring myself to reply. "I guess that's a discussion for next week." She continues due to the lack of response.

I here Arizona asking if we can have a moment to talk before we leave and ?" Arizona asks and I lift my head to look at her face. "Come on, let's just get to the car and we can find a meeting. I love you, I promise it's all going to be okay. I'm so proud of you"

"I love you too." I manage to get out and Arizona reaches around me, helping me stand up.

As we walk out of the office Dr Watson is waiting.

"Thanks for today Dr Watson." Arizona offers and reaches to shake her hand.

"It was nice to see you both. See you next week Amelia?" She adds.

"I guess." I reply, feeling bad for ignoring her earlier but grateful my body could muster the strength to form any words whatsoever.

With Arizona's hand around my waist we make our way back to the car.

* * *

Arizona offered to take me to a meeting. The cravings are hell right now and I can't stop fidgeting with my chip in my pocket. I want nothing more than to give up right now, I'm so close to giving up. I know exactly where to get the drugs, I could leave the meeting and get them right now, If Arizona wasn't in my life, if she wasn't waiting outside, I would have lost it all. But she is here. Arizona hasn't seen me at my worst, I can't bring myself to hurt her like that. I saw how much I hurt my friends in LA. Addison and Charlotte were in so much pain watching me like that, and neither of them love me as deeply as Arizona. And Sofia, sweet innocent Sofia. What would she think of me. I can't do this to them, I just can't.

Once the meeting has ended I make my way back to the car, where my girlfriend is waiting. I flinch at a sudden touch to my arm, later realising it was Arizona trying to offer comfort. I buckle my seat belt and tuck my legs up to my chest, leaning my body against the car door. I can't bring myself to look at Arizona, I just close my eyes and stay here in the moment. I'm clean, I'm sober and I need to stay this way, I'm just not sure how.

When we have been driving for a small while, I realise we should have been back at the apartment already. I open my eyes a little to see what is going on and I suddenly feel a sense of deja vu. The first day Arizona and I truly got to know each other, the day she found me at that bus stop and I didn't know where I was. A part of me feels the same sense of vulnerability, but everything has changed. I trust her, so much. I trust her with my life, I trust her to keep me alive in a time where I could end it all. I need her to keep me alive.

When the car comes to a stop I hear her whispering my name. I raise my head a little, wondering where we are. The enormity of what Arizona has done for me hits. She has brought me to my place. A field with views that stretch across Seattle, the place I brought Arizona when she was feeling down, when I first told her about my worst days. The next thing I know Arizona has opened my car door and is holding out her hand for me to take. We walk out to the middle of the field, looking at the eye opening views.

"I- I'm-" I stammer but am unable to get the words out.

"Come here." Arizona says, keeping a hold on one of my hands but holding the other arm, ready to give me the loving embrace we both know I require.

I feel my body melt into hers. She is here to be strong so I don't have to. I know if I fall she will be there to catch me. She is my reason to fight.

I have no concept of how long we have been standing, the only clue I have is the ache of my feet. I pull away slightly, keeping her hand in my own but moving to sit down on the slightly damp grass. With her arms wrapped around me and my head in her chest, I am surrounded by her presence, her scent as a constant reminder that I am safe.

"What do you need?" Arizona asks tenderly, all of her love showing in her tone.

"D-don't leave me." I reply, breathing still harsh and uneven.

"I'm not going to. I love you too much." Her grasp around my body stays still and firm.

"I don't trust myself to be alone." I admit, hating the fact that these words have to come from my lips.

"It's okay, I understand. I'm right here." She reinforces, but I know she doesn't understand, she couldn't . She thinks I'm referring to the cutting, or the drugs, or alcohol. None of which are what I am truly afraid of.

"It's bad." I manage to get out. "I don't know if I can fight any longer"

I feel Arizona change position beside me, placing her hands on my face, turning my head to look at her. "Don't you dare give up on me Amelia. I know you're hurting, and I know this is selfish but I need you to live for me. I love you don't know if I'd survive losing you, so I need you to stay. Please. I don't think I can live without you." I can feel tears falling down my cheeks but all I can think is how much better off she would be without me.

"I hurt you. You don't deserve that. You're the last person to deserve that." Arizona is the most caring, loving person anybody could ask for. She deserves someone can make her happy. Somebody who she doesn't have to worry about every minute of the day.

"I need you to listen to me okay. I love you so much, I don't want anybody but you. You think you hurt me but that's love, for every up and every down, I am here. I don't want anybody else, I want you."

"But-"

"No buts Amelia. You make me so, so happy, in a way nobody else ever could. Yes you have bad days but the good days more than make up for it. You're everything I could ever ask for, and more."

I cannot find the will to hold up this conversation any further. All the emotion and self hate that had slowly begun to rise within me. The pain I am experiencing works its way out of my body and spills down my face. I feel her arms grasp around my body as I begin to fall apart. I don't try to fight the contact but lean into it. Sobbing more and more until I have no more tears left in my body.

Suddenly Arizona pushes me away from her and spins me around to face the other direction. It's as though she what my body was feeling before I do because the next thing I know I'm emptying the contents of my stomach all over grass beside us.

"That's it, let it out." Arizona tells me as my sobbing continues, a lack of tears due to dehydration but the cries releasing the same amount of pain. I feel Arizona's hand rubbing soft circles on my back. "You're okay. We are okay." I nod my head, not fully believing her words but appreciating her offer of support, staying safe and sound in her arms.

* * *

So things will get darker before they get better, as most things do.

Please let me know if you have any requests or suggestions please let me know and I'll see what I can do.

Thanks for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

Arizona POV

Looking at Amelia on a normal day, say you're a patient or a nurse or a doctor, you'd not notice anything particularly different about her. You would see a doctor, pretty and confident. You wouldn't know how much she is suffering. You couldn't begin to imagine the pain she is experiencing. You would probably find it difficult to believe that I cannot leave her alone right now, not even for a minute because I am terrified she might end her life. Nobody is prepared to see a loved one this way, nobody.

Amelia finally drifted to sleep around half an hour ago but I can see her body begin to stir.

"Amelia, wake up. It's just a dream. You're safe." I tell her, hoping her mind will pull her out of whatever internal terrors she is experiencing. Suddenly her eyes flash open and I can see the pure panic on her face. She scurries across the bed to escape me, moving to stand by the door. Her hands are clenched into tight fists, the terror on her face has transformed into nothing, a blank stare.

"You're okay Amelia, can you come back to the bed? You're safe I promise." I add, unsure if it'll offer support but trying non the less. She shakes her head and reaches for the door handle. I out of bed, grabbing my crutches and follow her out of the room. She tried to close the bathroom door behind her but I manage to get my crutch in the middle.

"Why are you following me? I just need a moment alone." Amelia spits out, a little more aggressively than I expected.

"I promised I wouldn't leave you alone. Do what you need to do but do but I'm not leaving." I tell her in a calm tone, making sure she understood the situation.

"Arizona please". She begs but I shake my head and stay where I am.

"I'm not stopping you from doing anything, I'm just staying here. I know it's not what you want right now but it's what you need. I'm not leaving you because I need you to live. Sofia needs you, as do Zola, Bailey and Ellis. So I am here to make sure you live." While I was talking she has retrieved her blade and now has it held to her skin. I can see her eyes flicking towards me, willing for me to look away but I stand strong, unwilling to budge.

After a few moments of waiting she seems to realise I am keeping my stance and draws the blade across her skin. I expect her to make multiple cuts, and for them to be deeper but instead she drops the blade and looks to me instead.

"I can't do it." She looks defeated, ashamed of her inability to go through with her actions but it gives me hope, hope she still has something to live for.

"That's good, it means you have a reason to keep fighting. I'm so proud of you." My words make her crumble, tears flowing in a heavy, more constant state.

I take some gauze from her equipment and move to clean up the small cut she created. Keeping pressure on the cut and sitting next to her, making sure to avoid any extra and unnecessary contact.

"I've never done that before, stopped before I was finished." She says, her blank face beginning to look sad. "I stopped because I couldn't bear to disappoint you. In LA, when everybody confronted me about the drugs, they put me in a situation just like this. If I wanted the drugs I had to take them in front of everyone. I was so ashamed but I took them anyway, I couldn't stop. But here, now, with you, I stopped. I hardly made any damage." I watch her face, studying her emotions. I nod my head but don't say a word, seeing that she hasn't finished talking. "Arizona, I don't think I really want to die. No I erm, I know I don't want to die. I just don't want to deal with the pain, I don't know how. I've never had to before, I've always pushed it aside and done drugs, or cut myself. Anything to make it stop."

While she has been talking she has shifted her body towards my on and is now leaning her head on my shoulder.

"And now for the first time you're feeling it. You've had so much pain in your life and you've never fully processed it, you've never allowed yourself to deal and work through it. I know it's scary but I know you can do it." She nods her head slightly in agreement.

"I don't know why I freaked out so much today. I told you about my problems and I didn't freak out this badly." She tells me and I feel her breath quivering a little.

"But a lot of it came out in sections, I gradually found out more, bit by bit. Today it was all at once. All of the memories hitting you within a 40 minute conversation." I add, trying to show her feelings are normal.

"I don't think it'll be as bad once the background taking is over. Like I hated it when you found things out, but once you knew it wasn't as bad when the topics were brought up."

"So you want to keep going? You don't regret it?" I ask, surprised by her statement. I was sure that after today she would never want to go back. I told her if she tried and didn't want to continue, then she wouldn't have to. Yet now, by what she is saying it appears she intends to continue with the sessions.

"I did not enjoy it, but I want to get better. Sofia is in the picture now and she deserves to have mentally stable adults in her life." Her voice wavers as she speaks but I'm so grateful she is willing to discuss these feelings. "I know she always has to come first for you and she can't be seeing me like this so if I want to stay in your life I need to deal with it all. Doing nothing and trying to forget clearly hasn't helped so I'm willing to try. I need to try, but I need you to be there too."

"I know I say this all the time, but I'm really proud of you. I'm so unbelievably happy you're choosing to stick with this, and I'm here for whatever you need. I know what you said about Sofia is true, and she does have to come first, but that doesn't mean I would ever leave you. I'm not giving up on you that easily. You're stuck with me now Amelia." I tell her and place my arm around her back, holding her closer to me. I take a deep breath and enjoy the moment. I enjoy having her beside me.

"I just-" Amelia begins but trails off

"What?"

"I wish I could just get it over and done with, the history taking. I hate that I have to wait a week just to feel like crap all over again." I can see her fumbling with her hands, picking at dry skin. I take her hands in my own, holding them, tracing my thumb back and forth across the skin.

"I could call, ask if she has space to move you forward. We got you in pretty quickly so it's probably possible." I offer, hoping it'll help to ease the distress she is feeling.

"I don't want to be a bother." She responds, a little more timidly.

"Amelia Shepherd, I want to make one thing very clear. You are never a bother, not ever. If moving the appointment forward will be helpful then we do it, no problem."

"Thank you. I can't believe you just full named me, nobody has done that in years." She expresses, letting out a small laugh. I love that sound, hearing her joy makes me so happy. I never want to go without that sound.

* * *

Amelia POV

The rest of the afternoon has been fairly quiet. Arizona still hasn't left my side, I can tell she is still scared of what I could do. We have been sat on the couch, myself with my book and Arizona on her phone. I get up to move for the first time in several hours which catches my girlfriends attention.

"You okay?" She asks, her eyes tracking my movements.

"Yeah, I'm just going to the bathroom. I promise I'm not going to try anything, you can wait here." I can see the cogs moving in her brain, trying to decide whether or not she can trust me. I don't blame her, I probably wouldn't trust me either. After a few moments of processing she ultimately decides to stay where she is and allows me to leave alone. I try to be quick in the bathroom, knowing Arizona will worry more the longer I am gone. On the way back to the living room I pop into my bedroom, retrieving my most recent sketch book from Arizona's bedside table as well as some of my sketching pencils from my backpack.

As I sit back down on the couch I chose to leave a gap between Arizona and myself. Instead of sitting by her side and enjoying the physical contact I sit facing her, sideways with my feet on the seat cushion and my legs bent so I can use them to rest on. At first Arizona seems confused by the lack of contact but as she sees the book in my hand, it begins to make sense and she accepts the change of position.

"Are you okay?" She asks as she looks back to her phone, continuing what she had been doing previously.

"I just wanted to draw for a bit if that's okay? Is Sofia coming home tonight?" I ask, changing the topic away from myself.

"I messaged Mer and she is fine with Sofia staying over there, I just need to let her know whats happening. As for the drawing, it's always okay but that didn't really answer my question, I asked if you were okay." Arizona says, seeing straight through my evasive techniques.

"I'm fine, I mean I'm not but, I'm as okay as I could be considering the situation."

"The situation?" She inquires, wanting a further explanation.

"Everything, a lot has happened today. Therapy, emotional breakdown, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, you seeing me cut. It's a lot, and I'm just processing it all. I think I'm doing pretty well considering all that. Could, if it's okay with you, could Sofia come back tonight? I normally feel more calm when she is around." I understand that this is a lot to ask from my girlfriend, for her to bring her daughter into this apartment while my mental state is as fragile as it is but I really hope she agrees. I would totally understand if she decides against it, hell if I were in her shoes I can't imagine I would ever agree to such a request, yet I can see the consideration on her face.

"I'm not going to lie, I am a little concerned to bring Sofia back here during all of this but if you think it would help then I won't say no. Amelia, I know you are allowed to have all of your feelings, and I would never stop you from expressing them but if Sofia is coming back I need you to promise me a few things."

I'm nervous, awaiting her requests but I understand her stance and I am grateful for her giving me the chance to do this right. "What is it?" I question, no longer able to deal with the silence.

"No cutting unless I am in the room. I'm not trying to take away you're coping mechanism but I'm scared you could cut to deep, or Sofia could find you unconscious or worse even."I can see that just discussing the topic is painful for her but she doesn't stutter, she must have been thinking this through previously.

"What else?" I ask, sure that there is more to her deal.

"If you wake up and the jar doesn't help, I need you to promise you will wake me."

"I can do that." I agree, willing to do anything for the woman and her daughter, both of whom mean so much to me.

"One last thing." Arizona begins just as I think she is finished. I look to her, awaiting her continuation. "I need you to promise you will never break Sofia's heart. If you hurt me, emotionally I mean, I would be so pissed with you but I have no doubt we would be able to work our way through it. Sofia is different, she loves you, she looks up to you. I need you to promise you will never hurt her, please."

"I promise. I know I'm a mess but I will do my utmost to make sure your daughter is protected from all of my chaos."

"Thank you."

Arizona shifts her body to sit with me and I close the sketch book I had open on my lap.

"I'm sorry, I'm not ready for you to see this right now." I tell her, moving it so that it is balanced on the coffee table. She immediately pulls back instead of continuing towards me.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to intrude." She says, looking towards the book.

"It's fine, it's closed. Come here, I say holding out an arm, offering the contact she had originally been searching for. I swivel my body so my legs are in the normal sitting position and she moves to sit next to me. Her arms hold me tight and I feel safe and warm, appreciating everything she has done for me in the recent chapters of my life.

"Thank you for trusting me, I know how hard that must be." I offer, mirroring her embrace and wrapping my arms around her.

"I love you."

* * *

**Thank you for reading. I always write about 5/6 chapters ahead of what I post but I'm currently at a bit of a blank. I still have chapters written up but am not sure what to do after that. If you have any thoughts on things you would like to have happen in the future of this fic please review and tell me, or private message me.**


	12. Chapter 12

Amelia POV

We pick Sofia up not too long before her bed time, giving us a little break to unwind as she tells us about her day. Her little face lights up as she expresses her joy over each and everything she has done throughout the last 10 hours. She spares no detail and ensures she has both Arizonas and my own attention throughout her replay of events. I try to keep holding up the conversation, grateful for something light and easy to discuss after my mayhem filled day and Sof is loving the attention. Not too long later Arizona interrupts, telling Sofia it's time for bed. The young girl seems disappointed at the prospect but obeys anyways, moving towards the bathroom to brush her teeth.

"Thanks for letting her come home, I really needed that down time." I tell Arizona when the child is safely out of listening distance.

"You're welcome but I thought we were having our own down time before she came back?" Arizona queries.

"Yeah but when we are both feeling like crap it's hard to lighten the mood, something Sofia has proven very good at." I explain and Arizona nods but looks a little dissatisfied. "Not that I didn't enjoy our down time, I did, I just, I don't know how to explain." I add, afraid I was digging a hole instead of my way out.

"Amelia, it's fine. I get it, don't worry." Arizona replies before I have the chance to make the situation any more awkward. "I'm going to go tuck Sofia in, and then we can work out what we are doing for the rest of the evening." My girlfriend gets up and places a kiss on my forehead before walks out of the room to get her daughter into bed.

"Amy, Sofia wants you to come tuck her in before she goes to bed." Arizona announces as she walks back into the living room. She looks physically drained, I didn't realise earlier.

"Sure. You look tired, we don't have to do anything tonight if you don't want. We could just go to bed and relax. " I explain as I walk towards her.

"Thanks, I may take you up on that offer." Arizona adds, her hand brushing against my own as I walk into the young girls bedroom.

"Hi baby, I heard you wanted me to come and tuck you in, are you okay?" I ask, moving to sit down on the edge of her bed.

"Yeah, Mom said you were sad today, that's why I had to go play with Zola. Are you still sad?" I take a deep breath and run my fingers through the girls hair.

"I'm okay now, I'm sorry if I worried you. I was a little sad but then when you came home I felt better, you want to know why?" The younger girl rapidly nods her head at me which makes me smile. "Because you make me happy, every time you smile or tell me about your day or give me a hug, you make me so happy."

Her eyes open wide, big and sparkling. "Really?"

"Yep. I think it's your superpower, and it's a very good superpower to have." I tell her, pulling the blankets up to cover the rest of her body, shuffling herself down so she can comfortably rest her head on the pillow.

"What's your superpower Melia?" Sofia asks me with a big smile.

"I don't know sweetie, maybe I don't have one, that's what makes you so special. Okay, you all tucked in?"

"Yep." I place a quick kiss on her forehead and stand up next to the bed.

"Goodnight Kiddo, Sweet dreams."

"Goodnight Melia, I love you." I feel tears fill my eyes and my heart swell in my chest.

"I love you too."

As I exit Sofia's room I see Arizona is still stood outside next to the door. Once I've closed Sofia's door she throws her arms over my shoulders, wrapping them around me and holding me tight. "She said she loved me." I tell Arizona.

"I know, I heard. You're amazing with her, of course she loves you."

"She's a great kid, she makes it easy." I answer timidly, enjoying our embrace.

"What you said to her about not having a superpower, it's not true. You make me so, so unbelievably happy. You save people's life for a living even when you're struggling to save yourself. You stayed clean and sober and you show me how loved I am. You're a god damn superhero Amelia. I hope on days you can see that." Arizona tells me, keeping me held close. "Are you okay?" Arizona asks, sounding worried due to my lack of response.

"I will be, lets go to bed." I say, pulling away from her embrace, in exchange taking her hand in my own.

Once we are in our bedroom we begin to get changed. There is a comfortable silence as we sort through our belongings at the same time.

"Arizona, do you have a pair of leggings I can borrow? Mine are in the wash." I'm stood in just my underwear and after all that has happened today I feel exposed, my legs with several dressings to cover the mess I created.

"The thinner fabric ones are in the bottom draw, left hand side. They're better for sleeping in."

"Thanks." I reply quietly, moving to look for the desired item. With my legs covered I am debating whether or not to put a tshirt on. The nightmares were bad last night and I have a feeling they will be tonight. I promised Arizona I would wake her if they do but when they're bad I hate feeling like my body is exposed.

"Amy, you're okay, come to bed." I hear Arizona say and I turn to look at her. She has opened the blankets up and is waiting for me to join her. I grab a tshirt, laying it next to the bed so it's accessible if I need it and climb into bed.

We sit for about 10 minutes, me resting against Arizona's side for comfort when my girlfriend breaks the silence.

"What are you thinking about? I can see your head reeling, what is it?"

"I'm scared to sleep, I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally but I'm too scared to sleep." I admit, hating that this is my reality but accepting Arizona will do everything she can to make my night easier.

"What are you scared of?" I can understand why she chooses to ask, after today when I told her I was scared to be alone, she has to ask.

"Last night, before therapy and everything, the nightmares were bad. Like really bad. Everytime I closed my eyes he was on top of me, even when I was awake it felt like I was trapped." A few stray tears make their way down my face and Arizona is quick to swipe them away.

"You should've woken me Amelia, we could have dealt together." She tells me as she tucks my hair behind my ears.

"I know, but you were exhausted and I tried drawing all over my legs first but it didn't help and I was just too tired. I didn't have the energy to talk about it, I hardly have enough energy now." I sniffle, leaning closer into her arms.

"Even when I'm exhausted, I will always be there for you. If I had a nightmare, even if you were tired I'm sure you would be there for me."

"I know, I'm sorry." I reply quietly.

"Don't be." Arizona says as she pulls away a little. She reaches over to turn on a lamp she can turn off the ceiling light. "Do you want to leave it on tonight?" She asks me regarding the light.

"Could you still sleep with it on?" I ask, not wanting to agree if I knew she wouldn't get any rest.

"When you have a young kid you learn to sleep whenever and wherever you can. I am fine, better even because I know it'll help you." I let out a little smile, I'm not sure if the smile was real or now but Arizona seems satisfied as she lies back down.

"Thank you." I join Arizona laying down but she shifts her body, wrapping her arm around me bringing me to lay closer.

"Rest your head on my chest, that way you know I'm here and I'll keep you safe." I do as she says, repositioning a bit to get comfortable, laying a pillow under my torso. "Comfy?" She questions when I stop moving.

"Yeah, thanks. Do you really think this will work?"

"I hope so."

* * *

**Arizona POV **

I hate that there isn't more I can do to help Amelia feel safe overnight. I asked her to lay with her head in my chest so she knows its me, but also because I should wake up if she begins to stir. This way I'll hopefully be able to wake her before the dreams get too bad.

"I really am sorry I'm such a mess, I'm trying to get better." Amelia tells me, still cuddled up using my chest as a pillow.

"I don't mind if you're a mess, as long as you're my mess, and I can do everything in my power to keep you with me." I drape my arm lightly around her body, keeping her close to me at all costs.

"Az, I know you think this is bad, what you've seen today. Today was really bad, but its not the worst I've ever been, I never want you to see me like that. My friends in LA saw me that way and I still haven't forgiven myself for half the stuff I put them through. I hope you never see me like that but I need you to know it could happen." I can feel her body shaking against mine, her breathing uneven as she tries to explain her past to me.

"I know, and it's okay." I tell her, trying to keep my voice calm.

"I know you're saying that, but I need you to be aware. I really need you to understand." She says, her grip on me tightening ever so slightly.

"Amelia, whatever happens, I will still love you. I'm not scared of what might be, as long as we get through it together okay?"

"Yeah, I, just, thanks I guess." She is clearly still anxious but her body relaxes a little in my arms which I take as a good sign.

"Let's get some sleep, remember to wake me if you need me okay?" I add, reiterating my point from our agreement we made earlier.

"I will, I promise."

* * *

I wake up to the sound of Amelia's sobs. I carefully move my body so I can see her and ask her is she's okay, only to see that she is still sleeping. Her pillow has a damp patch from her tears and I'm unsure how long she has been like this but decide waking her up is the best option.

"Amelia, wake up for me. It's just a dream, you're safe." I say quietly, her movements beginning to slow and her eyes twitching open. Though her breathing is jagged and harsh she is calmer than I expect her to be, she doesn't get out of bed or scurry to get away from me. I stay where I am, reaching to pass her a tissue but she removes it from my grasp taking my hand in her own.

"Are you okay?" I ask but she doesn't reply, instead sitting herself up so she can lay in my arms.

"It was Ryan." She replies, leaving me more confused and worried than I was before.

"What was Ryan?" I ask carefully, awaiting a further explanation.

"I dreamt about the night he died. It was like I knew it was coming but couldn't do anything to stop it." She explains, her sobs now taking place on my chest rather than the pillow.

"I'm sorry, I know you must miss him." I say, tracing my hand up and down her arm. I hate seeing her sad like this but a part of me is grateful that it was a dream about Ryan rather than a nightmare about her attack.

"I do, everyday. It's not that you're not good enough, you are. You're more than enough and I wouldn't change anything because I have you now but it still hurts." She tells me, stumbling for her words, afraid to upset me.

"You're allowed to miss him, you're allowed to love him. I know how much you love me and nothing can change that. You loving Ryan doesn't change that." I offer, trying to normalise her feelings.

"What I had with Ryan was toxic, we made each other worse but he was beginning to change. He wanted to get clean for me, for our future." Amelia is so fragile, falling apart in my arms. I wish I could take this pain away from her but I can't, it's important that she feels it.

"If you loved him I'm sure he must have been a good guy. I wish I could have met him." I say quietly, so happy that she is willing to talk to me about this.

"I'm not sure. Honestly we were so high I don't actually remember that much about him but he wanted to help me get clean so I wouldn't lose my job, so he must've had a little good I'm him."

"If you think he was good, then he was good. You loved him, and it doesn't matter that you were high, your memories are still yours and I trust them. I trust you."

She doesn't reply, or move to look at me but I feel her head nod slightly against my chest.

When we have been laying in comfortable silence for a short period of time I begin to feel my eyes getting heavy. I snap them open again, aware that I'm supposed to be awake to comfort my girlfriend. Afraid of falling asleep I decide to break the silence "Do you want to stay awake for a bit or go back to sleep?" I ask her, not showing any preference towards either of the options and leaving the ball in her court.

"What time is it?" She asks in response and I reach over to check my phone seeing the numbers 02:09 light up on the screen.

"It's a little after 2am." I tell her softly. I feel a slight chill in the air so pull at the blankets, causing them to fully cover our bodies.

"Would you mind if we stayed awake for a bit? Stay in bed but just talk?" She asks, her voice wavering a little but staying steady over all.

"Sure, what do you want to talk about?" I ask, unsure whether she wants to continue the deep discussion we were having about her previous relationship or find a lighter topic all together.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, what's up?" I respond nonchalantly, awaiting her question.

"Did you always know you were gay?" I'm not sure what I was expecting her to ask but this was certainly unexpected.

"What do you mean? Are you questioning your own sexuality?" I ask back, wondering whether she is only now beginning to think she is gay rather than bisexual.

"No, no. I'm definitely bi, I've been attracted to both guys and girls since I was a teenager, I was just wondering about you." Although I'm glad to hear her sense of self and sexuality are steady, her response only causes me to be more confused by the question.

"My first kiss was with a boy, but we were like 12 so I don't think that really counts for anything. I began to suspect I was different not long after. I experimented a lot as a teenager and by the time I was 17 I was certain. Why do you ask?" I am still confused by the ongoing topic of conversation.

"What do you mean experimented?"

"Amelia, do you have an actual question here because I'm a little confused on why this is important. What are you really getting at?" I spin the question back at her, wanting to know her true motive in this conversation. I don't mind answering and of her questions but I can't help the feeling we are dancing around her true question.

"I guess I was trying to ask… Have you ever had sex with a guy? Not that it makes any difference for anything, I'm just curious."

"You could have just asked straight out, you know I never mind answering your questions. No, I never had sex with a guy. The closest I ever getting fingered by a guy I met at a party. I should probably thank him, he was the reason I 100% knew I was a lesbian." I respond, laughing slightly at the awkward memory.

"Was he that bad?" Amelia asks, her voice sounding a little lighter than it was not too long ago.

"He was an 18 year old drunk guy, so yeah, it really wasn't great. I spent the full time focusing on his hair, it was long and I ended up trying to pretend he was a girl, it didn't take me long to realise what that meant. Why do you ask?" I feel her let out a slight sigh against me before she begins to speak.

"I don't know. Sex with you is so different to sex with guys. I know I don't have that much experience with either gender but with you it always feels so meaningful rather than plain lust filled. Also it's totally different having a penis inside you than it is fingers, I don't know how to explain it. I guess I was just curious, I don't know." She stumbles over her words, taking her time to get them to make sense but the motive for her line of questioning suddenly makes more sense.

"I think that's the difference between sex and making love. When you know someone, like really know them and you love them the sex is so much better. I used to sleep around a lot, like too much so I should know." I reply light- heartedly, not thinking much of the topic. "On the topic of penises though, despite not having had sex with a guy, I have used strap-on's before. It's not the same but it's as close as I can get to relate."

"Wait seriously?" Amelia asks and I find myself just as confused as I was earlier.

"To which bit?" I ask trying to clarify her question.

"Using a strap-on. I know I shouldn't be so surprised, you have had a much healthier sex life than me, I just… You've never mentioned it before."

"Although sex toys can be fun, they were never a necessity for me, having someone you love and care about make love to you is so much better. Also, I used to wear it more often than having it used on me, so I kinda figured that wasn't something I should bring up." I try to be as open as I can with the topic for her, fully explaining my experiences. I don't want any of her questions going unanswered.

"Why? Didn't you like having it used on you?" She wonders, I expected this to come up so I take a moment to process my answer.

"A lot of the time it was in one night stands, and I hated feeling vulnerable around these people that barely knew me. Also it is literally an attempt to mimic heterosexual sex which is not something I am interested in. With Callie, she was bi, and quite enjoyed the feeling so it just kinda worked out that way. I'm not saying I wouldn't if it's something you're interested in trying, just that it isn't something I enjoy on a regular basis." I explain carefully.

"It's not a definite no for me either y'know. I'm not in the right state of mind right now for it to happen but I wouldn't mind trying. I know I'm safe with you."

"Really? That's not what I expected." I say, failing to stifle my surprised tone.

"Yeah, I mean, I am bi, I have voluntarily had sex with guys before, not a lot but I have. But I only want to try if it's something you're interested in too."

"Sure, but only if or when you're ready. I don't want to cause any more issues for you right now." I make sure to add, knowing that her mental state isn't at its best at the moment. "You feeling a little better?" I ask referring to the sadness she was experiencing not too long ago.

"Yeah, thanks. Only I now have thoughts of you doing very inappropriate things to me, I guess horny is better than sad though." She adds laughing a little.

"Come on, let's get come sleep. If you're still horny in the morning maybe we can do something about it."

"Sounds good. Arizona, thank you for waking me."

"You're welcome. I love you, let's get some rest." I wrap my arms around her body and close my eyes, allowing some more well needed sleep to take over my body.

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In the last few days I've had a bunch of writing motivation (which is annoying considering I have so much uni work to do but oh well). Anyways, here is the next chapter. As always, reviews are greatly appreciated.


	13. Chapter 13

**Amelia POV**

I have been laid awake for a small while, Arizona fell asleep a little over an hour ago after a much deserved make out session. Since my big breakdown a few days ago we have been treading carefully, not taking anything too far. Just as I am beginning to fall asleep I hear movement in the corridor outside our room. I quickly put some sweatpants and a tank top over my underwear and tiptoe out of the door, careful not to wake my girlfriend. When I step into the hall way I see Sofia standing a few feet away.

"You okay sweetie?" I whisper quietly to which she moves towards me, wrapping her little arms around my waist. "Come on, lets go have a sit down." I continue, taking her hand in mine and walking towards the living room. I turn on the lamp in the corner of the room before moving to the couch, holding my arms out for Sofia. With the light now on I can see she has been crying.

"Why are you sad baby?" I ask her, stroking her hair away from her face but holding her close.

"I had a dream and I couldn't find you or Mommy." She sniffles. "I was scared." I nod my head in acknowledgement of what she is saying, wiping her now slowing tears with my thumbs.

"I'm right here and your mom is asleep in her room. I promise we are both here." I tell her quietly.

"I know, I just wanted to check."

"Y'know, before me and your Mom were girlfriends I stayed here for a few days, there was a time when I had a bad dream, and I wanted to go make sure your Mom was safe in her room just like you did." I explain, reminiscing to the first few nights I had stayed with Arizona.

"Really?" Sofia asks, half yawning half talking.

"Yep, you want to know what happened?" I offer to which the young girl nods her head. "I got a cup of water, had a drink and went to your Mom's room and she let me sleep there with her to help me feel better."

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Sofia asks hopefully, still sniffing a little.

"Sure, do you want some water first like me?"

Once we had both had a little drink we make our way through to mine and Arizona's room. I let Sofia crawl in the middle before laying on her other side, trapping her between myself and my girlfriend. Arizona stirs a little and I see her eyes twitch open but she doesn't say anything until we know her daughter is asleep.

"Is everything okay?" She whispers to me over Sofia's soft breathing.

"She had a bad dream, she didn't say too much, just that she lost us in the dream and was scared. She wanted to sleep here." I inform Arizona, filling her in on the events of the last half hour.

"She used to have that dream a lot when Callie and I broke up, it doesn't happen much anymore." She tells me and I nod.

"I erm, I didn't want to stop her sleeping here but now I'm not sure what to do. What if I have a nightmare and scare her?" I ask Arizona.

"Even when my nightmares were really bad, the only time I didn't have them was when she was here. I'm not saying you won't but that's what happened for me." I nod my head slightly but don't respond so she continues talking. "You can move into Sof's bed if you want but she is a heavy sleeper, I doubt she would wake, even if you had a nightmare."

"I want to stay if that's okay, if the nightmares start I can move." I tell her, draping my arm over the sleeping child between us to place it on Arizona's hip. She runs her fingers from my hand to my elbow, resting her arm lightly over my own.

"Of course. Thank you for looking after her. Goodnight Amelia."

"G'night Az, I love you."

"I love you too."

As I next regain consciousness, it takes my body a few moments to realise what is happening. I cannot move my arm to roll over so I lift my head and open my eyes. Sofia is clinging to my arm like a koala and her leg somehow across my body. My bladder feels like it is about to burst so I carefully move the young girls leg before trying to extract my arm from her grasp. Successfully detangled from the young girl in my bed I spin my body to get up and sneak out of the room.

When I get back a couple of minutes later Sofia is awake and sat on my side of the bed.

"Good morning munchkin. Did you sleep better in here?" I ask her quietly, being respectful of my sleeping girlfriend but instead of a response to my question I get a mouthful of giggles. "What's so funny?" I ask with a smile and she looks towards Arizona's unconscious body.

"You're not very good at keeping a secret are you mrs." Arizona says from beneath the covers and her giggles suddenly begin to make sense.

"Mommy was pretending to be asleep!" Sofia exclaims with a big grin.

I climb onto the bed, crawling over the young brunette and pulling the covers down until I can see my girlfriends face. "Good morning beautiful." I say, planting a quick kiss on her lips only to be interrupted by a squealing Sofia.

"No kisses over me, thats gross."

"Sorry baby." Arizona says quickly once we separate.

"I don't think it's gross, I like kissing your Mom." I tell Sofia and her face forms a big frown causing Arizona to laugh.

"Still gross." Sofia says as the laughing dies down a little. I wrap an arm around her, bringing her in for a hug.

"Are cuddles better?" I ask and she nods her head.

"Good."

"Is that Bailey?" Sofia asks, interrupting the silence. I look to where she points realising she is talking about the picture of Christopher we put up on my bedside table not too long ago.

"Sof that's a private photo." Arizona says before I have a chance to reply.

"It's okay." I say, glancing my eyes to my girlfriend then to her daughter. "No, it's not Bailey."

"But it's not me or Zola or Ellis because we're girls." Sofia asks, her face changing showing her confusion.

"You're right, it's not. That's Christopher, my baby." I tell her, my voice surprisingly steady considering the content we are discussing.

"Where is he?" Sofia asks and Arizona looks to me, her eyes telling me it's okay if I don't want to talk about it but I shake my head.

"He's in heaven." I explain simply. Arizona's hand has found its way towards me and is now holding my own.

"Like my Papa? "

"Yep, and my Dad too." I add.

"Did Christopher get hurt like my Dad?" She asks, her big brown eyes looking to me for answers.

"No baby, he was just poorly and the doctors couldn't help him. But he helped lots of other poorly babies get better." I explain, trying my hardest to answer her questions at a level she could understand.

"How?" Sofia asks and I look to my girlfriend, unsure how to approach the topic of organ donation to a 9 year old.

Arizona gives me a reassuring smile before continuing for me. "Inside every persons body there are lots of things called organs, like your heart, and your lungs and your stomach. When you die you don't need them anymore so sometimes you can give them away to people that do. Christopher's organs helped lots of other babies." Sofia nods, showing her understanding and it's only then I realise a few stray tears had made their way down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry I made you sad Melia." The young brunette says as I wipe the tears from my eyes.

"It's okay, I just miss him. But know I can cuddle you instead." I say, pulling my arms to tickle her sides.

"Stop, stop! That's tickles not cuddles." Sofia argues and I pull my arms away. Once I've stopped she wraps her arms around my body.

"You're right, cuddles are much better." I say, taking a moment to enjoy the love surrounding me.

I'm sat on the couch with my phone when I notice Arizona watching me from across the room. Whenever I look up she averts her gaze but she isn't very good at hiding her actions.

"You're creeping me out." I state without looking up.

"What?" She questions, either avoiding the topic or clearly oblivious to her own actions.

"You're staring, it's getting creepy." I explain and she moves to come sit next to me. I lift my legs so I'm not taking over the whole couch, resting my feet on my girlfriends legs when she sits down.

"Sorry, you're just too beautiful, I couldn't help myself." She says smiling at me.

"Flattery will get you nowhere Robbins." I add, putting my phone down on the coffee table.

"Actually flattery gets me everywhere. I happen to know exactly how your body reacts when I flatter you."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I reply rolling my eyes a little.

Arizona's smile has turned into a mischievous smirk and an arm has tunneled its way under blankets towards my body. Her fingers are slowly tracing the skin at the top of my jeans. I take a deep breath, trying to keep my concentration. "Flushed cheeks, shortness of breath, increased heart rate, dampness forming between your-"

"Stop, that's not fair." I tell Arizona, placing my hand on top of hers to still her movements.

"What's not fair?" Arizona asks, her grin falling a little.

"I was mad at you for creepily staring at me but now I'm more horny than I am mad."

"I'm sorry if I upset you staring. I can tell you why I was really staring if you want" Arizona tells me softly, no longer attempting to move her hands.

"Later, right now I'm too turned on to pay attention, you need to take care of that first." I tell my girlfriend, moving my hands to her hip to remove her sweatpants.

"Bedroom. Just because Sof isn't here doesn't mean we can get sloppy." Arizona instruct as she moves my legs to get up and holds her hand out to grab mine to change location.

Arizona's arm has made its way around my waist, pulling my body close to her own. She rests her forehead against mine, occasionally stealing soft kisses. I take my hand and place it on the back of her head. I take her lips in my own, the kisses becoming more needy and desperate. Still lost in each others touches we make our way towards the bed. I feel the soft fabric on the backs of my legs but before I can respond we both topple onto the blankets, Arizona landing on top of me.

"Ouch."

Arizona immediately stops her movements to look at me. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, no I'm fine. It didn't even hurt it was just an automatic response." I explain and she shakes her head.

"You're an idiot."

"I'm your idiot though."I retort causing Arizona to let out a small huff.

"You're lucky I love you."

Arizona quickly continues her previous ministrations, placing her hands either side of my head to prop her body up over my own. Her hands trace down my sides, gently cupping at my breasts through fabric we both know would be gone soon. Her kisses get deeper and she moves her attention to my neck. She finds my pulse point and sucks gently at it, one hand back by my head and the other holding my hip. After a little while I feel a small amount of panic begin to rise within me.

"Stop, please." I ask Arizona who quickly pulls back and rolls over from on top of me.

"You okay?" She asks me kindly and I nod.

"Yeah, can I just be on top please?" I ask, averting my gaze as a means to not look in her eyes.

"Of course, you sure you want to continue?"

Instead of answering her questions I roll over and move my legs so I am straddling her. I roll the hem of her top between my fingers, slowly bringing it up over her head. I am surprised due to the lack of a bra, unsure how I had not noticed her lack of support around her chest earlier. I quickly push the thoughts from my mind, leaning in to take one of her breasts in my mouth. Arizona's hands move from the middle to the base of my back and I can feel her hesitate, unsure whether she should remove my clothing. I stop my own actions for a moment to remove my shirt before going to remove my bra for her. At this action my girlfriend interrupts, swatting my hands away so she could get to the hooks of my bra to remove it herself.

It doesn't take long for our lower extremities to reach a similar level of bareness. Skin against skin, every touch is delicious. The heat between us growing, touches so delightful and caring.

"Az, please." I plead as I squeeze my legs together as much as I can with my legs either side of her hips. I try to relieve some of the built up tension I'm experiencing but come up empty.

"What do you need?" Arizona asks caringly. I look to her face, into her eyes and I trust her completely.

"You. Now. Please." I pant, my breasts brushing against my girlfriends sending new waves of heat to flush from my core. I see her face trying to process how she should best give me her attention, unsure how to proceed. Recently oral sex has become more and more common but I want Arizona as close to me as possible, I need her with me right now. "I need you here with me. Use your hands." I instruct and she smiles, taking one hand to place it on my hip and the other to cup my face to bring me in for slow kiss.

As our tongues mould together, her right hand has moved to cover my centre, cupping me before dragging her fingers through the dampness. She keeps her movements slow, bringing her fingers up to my sensitive bundle of nerves, tracing over it making my back arch before dragging her fingers back down. Her touch is soft and loving but I need more. I arch my back, bringing my hips closer to her touch and she clearly understands. She collects my juices before pressing two fingers into me. I groan in delight, thankful for the touch I have been waiting for. The hand that was cupping my face has moved down my neck and is now gently caressing my breast, gently squeezing as she drags her thumb over my hardened nipple. It doesn't take long for us to settle into a steady pace, Arizona's thrusts are slow and firm. As I get closer to my orgasm, my arms feel weaker so I rest my head on Arizona's shoulder shoulder for support. Arizona whispers sweet nothings into my ear, keeping her pace constant. I find myself silently panting with every internal thrust, each time getting closer and closer to the edge. Her thumb has made its way to my clit, softly rubbing the nerves as her fingers pulse into my body. Her steady pace is no longer enough to further my pleasure.

"Az, please." I manage to get out between breaths.

"What do you need?" Arizona asks me, not stopping her movements.

"More. Faster. Please." I beg and Arizona is fast to adapt, quickening her pace. Her fingers hit deep within me, curving at just the right angle, over and over again. I feel my walls tighten around her fingers, gripping them so they can't move from within me. I collapse on top of my girlfriend, my body finally claiming it's well earned release. I close my eyes and give in to the pleasure, allowing my orgasm to take full control.

When I come to Arizona is still panting beneath me but I am too drained to move. Arizona's fingers are still buried deep inside me, a fact I realise as she attempts to remove them. I whimper at the lack of pressure, the emptiness from where my girlfriend had filled me. I attempt to move my body to allow Arizona some space but my muscles fail me, still weak from the rush of pleasure they had experienced. As though she understands what is going through my mind, Arizona slides out from underneath me, now laying by my side.

**Arizona POV**

"That was amazing, I would repay the favour but I can't seem to move." Amelia explains, glancing down at her body and then to look at me.

"You're tired, it's okay." I begin as I see her stifle a yawn. "We still have a little over an hour before we pick Sofia up. How about a quick nap?" I offer, moving my body closer to my girlfriend and pulling her towards me. Her head now rests on my chest and my arm around her back, holding her, keeping her safe. When I don't get a response to my question I brush her hair out of her face to see she has already fallen asleep on top of me. "Sleep tight, I love you." I whisper, leaning back against my pillows as she rests.

I haven't set an alarm and I can't reach my phone from this position so I opt to stay awake while Amelia naps. It's rare that she falls asleep during the day, so she clearly needs the rest. I feel guilty for not talking to her earlier, I didn't tell her why I had been staring. Sure it was because she basically begged me to take her to bed but I should have had a little more self control. I had just received an email back from Dr Watson's secretary telling me we could change her appointment to be tomorrow rather than in 4 days. I was trying to work out how to tell her after last time, knowing she won't sleep well the night before hand. At least she is getting a little extra rest now. And while she is asleep I have time to think, time to plan.

Sofia has school tomorrow, and Amelia's appointment is in the morning so at least we don't have to worry about her being in the situation. Amelia is supposed to be working a late shift tomorrow but I am off. I need to tell her about her appointment today so she has time to try and swap shifts if she believes it necessary. I hope that this week isn't as bad as last week, Amelia herself has said she doesn't think it'll be as bad, but if there is one thing I've learned it's that her moods can be unpredictable. Last week was scary, she didn't know what to expect. Hopefully this week we will be able to cover more ground and get finished with the history taking.

I leave Amelia to sleep for as long as possible before waking her.

"Amelia, honey, It's time to get up." I say quietly, rubbing her arm with my hand.

"5 more minutes" My girlfriend mumbles, pulling the blankets up over her face.

"Nope, I need to go get Sofia, and I need to talk to you about something first." I explain simply, joining her under the blankets

"What is it?" She asks, my previous statement clearly getting her attention. She wipes her eyes, gradually coming out of her slumber.

"I got an email from Dr Watson, your appointment has been moved to tomorrow morning." Amelia takes a sharp intake of breath, before slowly breathing out.

"Okay, that's okay." Amelia says, still taken in the information I had given her.

"I didn't know if you would want to swap your shift tomorrow night." I offer, still unsure how she would feel about the topic.

"I probably won't have anything difficult to do anyway, I'm working through the evening so no scheduled surgeries, I'm just there to monitor patients and deal with any emergencies. I think I should be fine, but if not I can call in sick." Amelia reasons.

"You're so strong through all of this. I'm proud of you." I tell her wrapping my arm around her still naked body.

"I don't think you can say I'm strong after what happened last week." Amelia responds with a sad smile.

"You're right, last week was bad, but you felt your emotions, you broke down and put yourself back together. And you're willing to do something that terrifies you for the greater good. You Amelia Shepherd, are the strongest person I know."

"I love you would have been sufficient, that was way too cheesy." Amelia tells me and I laugh.

"But it's true. And I do love you."

"I know, I love you too."

Amelia opted to stay behind when I go to pick Sofia up from school, she said she needed some time alone. I respected her wishes and left to collect my daughter. I wait for a few moments in the school yard for her to be released from the building. Not too long later Sofia is running out of the doors towards me, wrapping her arms around my stomach.

"Hey sweetie, good day at school?" I ask my daughters and she nods her head.

"Yeah, I made a poster for a competition and I won! I got an extra sticker on my chart!" Sofia says excitedly.

"That's amazing! What was the poster about?"

"Families. I think mine was the best because my family is so interesting! Nobody else has two moms and a dad!" I smile at her enthusiasm, loving how open she has become.

"I'm sure you must have worked super hard." I make sure to tell her, not wanting her to think the only reason she did well was her circumstances.

As we are about to leave the school gate, I hear somebody say my name and turn around to see Zola running towards me.

"Arizona, have you seen my mom? She was supposed to pick me up but she isn't here." Zola explains.

"I haven't, let me give her a call." I tell the girl, her and Sofia beginning a discussion as I search through my contacts. When I dial Meredith's number a voice I don't recognise answers. It doesn't take me long to realise its one of the nurses in surgery. She puts the phone on speaker and Meredith explains she had texted Maggie asking her to pick Zola up because she was called into an emergency surgery. With Maggie not being around i offer to take Zola back to my apartment, messaging Maggie to make sure she doesn't panic when she gets Meredith's message.

I get the kids to the car, of course they're overjoyed at the thought of an unplanned play date. Sof and Zola excitedly chatter for the full journey back to the apartment. As we pull up to the apartment building girls charge inside. I lock the car and make my way up using the elevator, the kids are already inside, Amelia must have let them in. As I enter, I see my girlfriend is in the kitchen carrying Zola in her arms. They're dancing around the room, the sound of laughter takes over my ears.

"You started a dance party without me?" I joke, faking shock before moving closer toward them. I place a quick kiss on my girlfriends lips before letting them keep dancing.

"Yep, can't help it. Someone's you've just got to dance." She responds and I smile at her, watching her so happy, so carefree, it somehow makes the world feel like a better place. I take Sofia's hands in mine and join my girlfriend and her niece. We dance for what seems like eternity, lost in the movements until my leg starts starts to hurt. When I stop moving and look up I see Amelia has also stopped dancing.

"You are getting way to big for me to carry." Amelia says to Zola, "My arms are dropping off."

"Okay Kiddos, do you have homework?" I ask them once the laughter has calmed down.

"'Yo tengo spellings mom."

"Me too." Zola adds.

"Okay well why don't you go practice your spellings, you can test each other while we make dinner. Then after dinner I'll test you.

"Okay mom." Sofia replies, running through to get bedroom.

"Auntie Melia, can we have your special pancakes for dinner?" Zola asks looking at Amelia.

"Sure kiddo, go do your homework now okay?"

"Thank you auntie Melia, thanks Arizona." Zola says loudly as she leaves the room.

"What's so special about these pancakes huh?â I ask my girlfriend when the young girl has left the room.

âœI put the filling inside while they're cooking and fold it in half so it seals, it's kinda like the calzone equivalent of a pancake.â Amelia explains and I smile, itâs the little things in life that keep us going.

âœThat sounds interesting, do you need any help preparing it?â

âœNope, just stay here and keep me company?â Amelia asks looking towards me.

âœThat, I can do.â

âœWhat time is my appointment tomorrow?â Amelia asks, breaking the silence.

âœ9:30, is that okay?â I respond, carefully studying her facial expressions.

âœYeah, it was just unexpected. After last time Iâm just really nervous, not that I wasnât nervous last time, just now itâs a different type of nerves. I know what to expect now but I donât know how Iâm going to react. Sorry Iâm talking to much I just-â

âœAmelia itâs fine. Youâre allowed to be scared, and itâs good that youâre willing to talk about this with me. What can I do to make it easier?â I ask, getting up to go and hold her hand.

âœI donât know. I just want it over with. Can you have Meredith on standby to pick Sofia up from school just in case?â She questions and I smile knowingly, staying by her side.

âœAlready sorted.â I confirm.

âœThanks, speaking of, why is Zola here rather than with Mer?â My girlfriend wonders, changing the topic entirely.

âœI think there was a mixup, Meredith got trapped in a surgery and asked Maggie to pick her up. Maggie clearly didnât get the message and didnât turn up so I offered to bring her back here. Maggie messaged saying she is back home so Iâll probably drop her home after we have eaten.â

âœDamn, good job you were there. Wouldnât want my niece being stranded.â She responds, beginning to put food onto plates.

âœYeah, and itâs fine, sheâs no bother and Sofia loves having her around. Should I go get them for dinner?â I offer, not moving from her side until she gives me permission.

âœSounds good. Arizona, I love you.â

âœI love you too.â


	14. Chapter 14

So this is the beginning of a huge section, there will be multiple chapters after this related to the ending. Hope that's okay (don't worry it's not a cliff hanger or anything). Anyways, enjoy.

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Amelia POV

All things considered I think I slept pretty well last night. I probably got about four hours sleep in total which isn't great but the nightmares could have been much worse. I even managed to wake Arizona when I needed her. Still, sitting here in the car on the way to the appointment, I am terrified. Last week, a lot of what scared me was not knowing what Dr Watson was going to ask, so this week we decided to try something new. Before the session, Arizona and I sat and wrote down the things I intended to bring up. This way I have more control over the topics. On the list I have: Addiction, Ryan, my Dad's murder and potentially my attack, if I'm feeling up to it. Last week I was completely useless, but this week I want to keep myself together, show Dr Watson that I am so much more than the emotional wreck she now knows me as.

When we arrive at the office I sign in and we sit down in the waiting room. Arizona passes me her hand and I take it, holding it for my own comfort.

"You okay?" Arizona asks me and I look up.

"Yeah, I mean, as okay as could be expected. You're staying again right?" I ask her, all of a sudden worried that she may opt to leave me.

"I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to leave okay?" She offers and I nod. I don't foresee any point of time where I would want to be in a therapy room on my own but I appreciate the gesture. She is giving me complete control over the situation.

"I don't want you to leave me."

"Then I'm not going anywhere."

I don't know how I got so lucky, I don't know what I did to deserve someone so caring in my life. When Dr Watson comes up to call me into the office I keep Arizona's hand in my own as we move towards the couch.

"Is Arizona joining us again this week?" The therapist asks as we sit down.

"Yeah, please." She nods to show this is okay before beginning the session.

"So Amelia, how have you been since our last session?" Dr Watson asks and I look up before answering her.

"I er, To be honest Dr Watson, after last weeks session, things were really bad. I was already having a bad day and my thoughts were just out of control. It made me realise how much I needed help to get my life back on track. I want to apologise for last week, I was an absolute mess and I'm guessing not that easy to work with."

"Please call me Anne and thank you for being honest with me. As for your emotions last week, don't ever apologise for your feelings. Everyone is entitled to their emotions and in this room, you can feel and say whatever you want and there will never be any judgement."

"Thanks, still, It couldn't have been easy for you to have to deal with me."

"Believe it or not Amelia, you were actually so much better that most people for a first appointment. Lots of people come in here and show no emotions, avoiding big life events or just listing life events like they're nothing and it makes my job so much harder. Can I ask you what you meant when you said last week was really bad?"

"My mood was really low and my thoughts terrified me."

"Can you elaborate on low?"

"Just all round dark thoughts. Hurting myself, I wanted to run, rather than work through it."

"Why didn't you?"

"Arizona, Sofia, my nieces and nephew. I didn't want to disappoint them, I didn't want to leave them."

"That's good, I'm glad you have something you think you should stick around for."

"So, you said last week you still had more history to go over, where do you want to start?"

I reach into my pocket to get the piece of paper that we wrote down the list on. "I actually wrote a few things down, I guess I should start with that stuff"

"Very organised, why did you decide to write it down?"

"I guess so I know what topics we will be discussing, no surprises." At this the therapist writes something down quickly before responding.

"That's great, so, what's first on your list?"

"I'm an addict. I've been sober for over 7 years but I still struggle cravings every day." This topic is fairly easy for me to discuss, I discuss it at AA multiple times a week so all the thoughts are pretty organised.

"What are you addicted to?"

"Drugs, specifically oxycodone. Alcohol is a gateway drug, it's a rule you learn at NA, if your a drug addict it doesn't mean you can drink alcohol. If a normal person drinks they may have fun, maybe they'll forget where they put their keys, maybe they will lose control of their actions. If an addict drinks, sometimes we forget we can't do drugs. It's dangerous. I'm sure I probably did other drugs when I was high too but I don't know specific types." I genuinely cannot remember the majority of the things that happened when I was high. It's scary, like chunks of my life are missing.

"So, do you still go to NA Amelia?"

"Yeah, I try to get to at least 3 meetings a week, sometimes NA, sometimes AA. I tried reducing it down to 2 per week but the cravings got worse so 3 is where I'm at."

"3 is a good number. So from what you have said it seems like the meetings are working in helping you with your recovery?"

"Definitely, they're a constant. Whatever is happening in my personal life, I know I can go to a meeting and I'm safe there." I say honestly, NA meetings were my saviour.

"That is a really good attitude to have. Would you mind if I asked you a bit about your struggles with addiction so I can get all the history down?"

"Go ahead."

Arizona has clearly noticed the nervous tension that has taken over my body and is gently running her thumb over my hand as a reminder that she is there.

"When did your troubles with addiction start?" Dr Watson asks and my mind flashes back to that morning at the hospital, when the doctor first handed me the prescription.

"After I was attacked, I went to the hospital instead of telling anybody what had happened. They discovered I had multiple injuries including a couple of broken ribs. The doctor at the ER prescribed my first bout of oxy." The doctor nods her head slightly and allows me to continue. "The second time, when I relapsed, it was a gradual thing. It started with alcohol, then I started drinking more than I should. The next thing I know I'm getting high with a guy I just met."

"So you were 16 when you first started?" DR Watson clarifies.

"Yeah, and the drugs started again around 7 and a half years ago."

"How did you stop?"

"Which time?" I question, knowing that this would be two very different answers.

"Either, both, whatever you want to tell me." I consider my options, thinking about avoiding the topic but ultimately deciding to discuss it. I'm here for my own good.

"I actually don't think you know this." I say to Arizona, preparing her for what she is about to hear. "The first time, it was my brother who got me clean. I got really high one day and ran away. My Mom called the police and when they found me, Derek went with them. I was on the roof of my friends house and threatening to jump. The police were just upsetting me more but Derek came up and talked to me. He got me down and got me into a rehab centre."

"Derek sounds like he was a very good man. I'm sorry you lost him." I can see her trying to hide the pity in her eyes but I don't care. I'm distracted by the fact that I see Arizona trying not to cry next to me.

"Az, it's okay. I'm okay." I offer, moving to sit closer. She nods her head a little and wraps her arms around me.

"I know, I just wish I was there to help then."

"What about the second time? Do you want to talk about that?" Dr Watson asks, interrupting the silent glances between my girlfriend and I.

"It's a much longer answer, and it brings up a lot of memories but I'll try." I say and I clear my throat a little. "I told you about getting high with some guy I hardly knew. It was in LA, before I moved to Seattle. His name was Ryan and at the time I thought I was in love with him. We spent days and nights getting high together, it was fun until it wasn't. He realised that I was losing my self control, it scared him. He knew how much my job meant to me and he knew I wanted kids so he told me I needed to get clean. He said he loved me and he wanted to see our kids grow up. We decided that night we would get clean. We had one last high together, using up the last of the drugs and then went to bed. When I woke up the next morning he was dead in bed next to me." It's only when Arizona hands me a tissue I realise that I am crying.

"Did you get clean on your own?"

"After seeing his body, seeing what the drugs could do, I called Addison. She helped me get into rehab." My mind flashes back to being in that room. Addison coming in and wrapping her arms around me. I felt like crap but I felt safe.

"That's good. I'm glad you were able to get clean. I am sorry for your loss though."

"Thanks, at the time it felt like the worst thing in the world, but a few months later I realised I was pregnant with his baby which was much worse." At this Dr Watson is unable to hide her surprise. She quickly adjusts her face back to her neutral look but the shock was still there.

"Your son?"

"Yeah. He had anencephaly, he was born without a brain. Nothing to do with the drugs, just a shitty spin of the genetic wheel." It's strange saying these words out loud. I've thought about them so many times but it's rare that I actually get to say them.

"What did you do?"

"I broke the law. I donated all of his organs to other babies."

"How is that breaking the law?"

"In LA, to be able to donate organs you need to be pronounced brain dead, but with my baby it wasn't that simple. He didn't have a functioning brain so he would never be able to do anything. He wouldn't be able to survive. But he had a functioning brain stem, which basically means nothing if you have no brain but because the brain stem functioning he couldn't be classified as brain dead. They basically had to kill him to take his organs." I keep Arizona's hand tight in my own, trying to keep my focus. Just talking about Christopher I feel like my heart is going to explode. I loved him so much, I would do anything if I could have him here with me but it's too late. I can't. There was nothing anybody could do.

"Did your friends and family support your decision?" I don't understand why this question surprises me so much but it wasn't one I had prepared to answer.

"I never told my family. None of them even knew I was pregnant, other than Addison I guess. My friends were all there, they tried to be supportive, even though some of them didn't agree with my choice. They tried. Jake was really supportive, he was my doctor. He's married to Addie now but he wasn't at the time."

"I've never heard you mention Jake before." Arizona says quietly.

"We weren't close friends-wise. That's why I chose him as my doctor. But he was there when no one else knew what to say."

"Sounds like your sister has good taste." Dr Watson says but I look to Arizona and burst out laughing. It feels almost inappropriate to laugh considering we were just talking about my dead child but now I can't stop thinking about the day I walked in on Addison and Mark.

"Sorry, I just. Yes Addison picked a good guy when she chose Jake, but she does not have the best track record with guys." I explain, only getting a raised eyebrow.

"I walked in on Addison with Derek's best friend while they were married. I kept their secret but it still got out. She also slept with her best friends husband in LA which was interesting."

"Why did you keep her secret?" I have thought about this so many times. I should have told Derek but I didn't want to lose the one sister who always looked out for me.

"Addison was a sister to me, I didn't want to lose her. And I didn't want to hurt Derek."

"What happened between them?

"Addie and Derek or Addie and Mark?"

"Actually I was asking about Mark and Derek. Did they stay friends?"

"At first no, but over time they put aside their differences. Mark moved to Seattle with Derek, leaving Addison behind. The friendship was more important to him." I think this is what happened anyway. It's the way appeared but I guess I'll never really know.

"And where is Mark now?"

"Dead, but he is the father of Arizona's daughter Sofia so I see him in her."

"Wait, I'm confused. You slept with Mark?" The therapist asks Arizona.

"No, I am 100% lesbian. My ex cheated on me with Mark, but I still loved her and I wanted to raise this child with her. I adopted Sofia as soon as she was born. Then there was a custody battle when we broke up for good. I actually won but me and my ex share custody, Sofia is old enough now to choose where she wants to live in the long run and the other gets school breaks and stuff."

"Okay, wow. That sounds complicated. I'm not even going to get into all that right now."

"If you think of it all at once it is complicated, but I have lived it. Its my life."

"That's very true. Do you get on well with Sofia Amelia?"

"Yeah, she's amazing. I love spending time with her."

"You should see them talking disney together, its hilarious." Arizona tells the therapist and she smiles, writing down her notes.

"So Amelia, is there anything else on your list we need to discuss? Any more history?" I flick my eyes to the list.

"My dad." I say kinda quietly, working out where to begin.

"You said last week that you were young when he died. Did you want to elaborate on that?" She asks, giving me a push in the right direction.

"I don't remember all the details but I was there when it happened, so was Derek. We were sat on the floor behind the counter and I was playing with a couple of coins. Derek was reading a comic. I didn't notice them at first but Derek did. Two men had a gun pointed at my Dad and he was emptying the cash and giving it to them. They shot him anyway. Derek said it was because they wanted his watch but he wouldn't give them it. My mom got it engraved for their anniversary. I remember I tried to scream but derek had a hand over my mouth to keep me quiet and his other arm around my body so I couldn't move. He wouldn't let me go."

"He was keeping you safe. You were his little sister." Arizona says, and I know it's true.

"I still have the watch. My mom gave it to Derek, it was a men's watch so it seemed like the right thing to do but Derek gave it to me. He said it was a reminder that Dad was always watching over me." I explain, wiping the tears that are building in my eyes.

"Do you think what happened still influences your life?" Anne asks me and for the first time I think about it, really think about what life would have been like if my dad has survived. It was his death that separated me from other kids at school. I was the girl who saw her dad die, the girl whose brother walked her to school because her mom was working too hard to provide food for us to eat. If I wasn't a social outcast maybe I wouldn't have gone to that party, maybe I wouldn't have been drugged and raped. If my attack had not happened, then I would never have been prescribed oxy, and I wouldn't be fighting with the cravings every night. If my attack had not happened, maybe I wouldn't need to damage my body in an attempt to deal with my emotions. I wouldn't have gotten high with Ryan, I wouldn't have been pregnant or given birth to a baby with no life. I wouldn't have been at a meeting that day and I wouldn't have met Arizona. My life would be so different. Or maybe it wouldn't. Maybe everything we do or say is determined by a higher power. Maybe God, or the universe controls our every action and there is nothing we can do about it. Our paths are set in stone from the moment we set foot on the earth. That's the thing, we can think about a different past or a different present and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. We just have the life we are living, that's what we have got to work with.

"I don't know. Maybe it still influences my life, or maybe not. All I know is that it happened, and I can't change that. I just have to be grateful for what I've got. I have Arizona and Sofia and my friends and I've got to make the most of it."

"That is a very smart answer. I shouldn't be surprised, you're a neurosurgeon, you must be really clever." I have never dealt well with compliments so I just nod slightly and avert my eyes. She clearly notices that I am uncomfortable, writing down a couple notes before continuing.

"So, Amelia, is there anything else on your list you want to discuss?" Dr Watson asks me and I flick my eyes to the paper, seeing only "attack?" left uncovered. I shake my head, not wanting to discuss the topic. Arizona gives my hand a small squeeze, I'm not sure whether its a hint to reply or just for comfort but I appreciated her effort and try to compose myself.

"Not really." I respond quietly and the doctors nods showing her understanding.

"So, we have taken a history and I'd like to get started on the regular routine of these sessions if that's okay, but I do have a couple of things to go over before that. So firstly, it's just a reminder that anything you say in this room is confidential, I know you're aware of doctor/patient confidentiality rules but legally I have to remind you. Secondly, at any point during these sessions, if a topic comes up that you don't want to discuss, just tell me. Unless I think it's urgent I will do my very best to avoid it. Do you have any questions Amelia?"

"Yeah, I guess just, what do you define as urgent? I don't like the idea of being made to discuss things, especially without warning so I guess I just want to be prepared." I answer as honestly as I can.

"The biggest issue is if I think you're at immediate risk of suicide, or hurting yourself in a way that would cause irreversible damage." Anne explains and I nod.

"The days when things are that bad are pretty uncommon anyway."

"But you do have them?" I nod, confirming my previous statement. "When was the last time you had one of those days?"

My thoughts flash back to the previous week, after my first therapy session. "Last week. But before that it was at least 6 months ago, probably a little longer." I admit, it's strange talking about these thoughts and feelings. For so long I've just pretended they didn't exist and suddenly I'm here discussing them with someone who's basically a stranger.

"Do you know what triggered these feelings last week?"

"I guess it was a mix of a few things but the nightmares were really bad so I had barely slept and then my first appointment here, I just couldn't deal with it all."

"Do you have a plan? If you wanted to end it all?"

"I've never thought about it too much. My first call would be go back to the drugs but then I have to see how disappointed everyone would be. I don't know."

"Not knowing is good. It means you still want to live most of the time. Not knowing is definitely a good response. So how did you get through it?"

"Arizona helped, I cried a lot, said some things that would normally scare people away but she didn't leave. I mean, literally didn't leave my side. It was annoying at first but I get why."

"Why was it annoying?"

"I wanted to cut, but she wouldn't leave and I couldn't bring myself to do it in front of her. I tried but I couldn't do it."

"How did it make you feel when you couldn't do it?"

"At first angry and frustrated but as time passed I was grateful I didn't. I don't like hurting myself but it helps. Mixed feelings I guess." I explain as well as I can, not fullying understanding my own feelings as it is.

"It's good to know you don't enjoy it, it makes it a little more easy to quit when the time is right." Anne explains. The thought of quitting completely is terrifying but also appealing. I want to be able to stop.

As the session comes to an end Dr Watson explains she has a few homework tasks she would like me to work on. "So firstly I would like you to work on a thought diary. If you can invest in a diary or a notebook that'd be great, and you can just write down things that you've done each day and how they made you feel. These can be positive or negative things, whatever you're feeling as long as its honest. That way when you come into our sessions we will have more things to talk about and we can try to work out ways to limit the negative emotions. Is that okay? "

"Yeah, I can do that. What else?" I ask, seeing that the doctor isn't finished.

"This one isn't an immediate one, and it's always on your terms." She begins and I feel a little panicked at the phrasing. I stay calm and allow her to finish but hold Arizona's hand in my own for comfort. "I want you to talk to someone you trust, other than Arizona. How much you say or don't say is totally up to you but it's important you have support in place from multiple angles of life. Not that I think this will happen, but what if you and Arizona broke up, it's important you have someone out there to help you. Do you have someone you trust that much? "

"Yeah, I- uh, I have Addie."

"Great. So, nice to see you both again and I'll see you next week?"

"Yeah, thanks, see you then."

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So, that was therapy session 2. From here I don't intend to do every therapy session, but I'll still have talk about them, and include the odd one.

Thanks for reading! As always reviews are appreciated.


	15. Chapter 15

When we arrive back at Arizona's apartment I throw my bags down by the door and move to sit on the couch. All things considered I'm feeling fairly calm, I think today's session went well. It's not something particularly enjoyed but it didn't scare me as much as last week. I know it's going to be a slow process, and I may never be who I was before but that's okay. I have Arizona to keep me going

"Coffee?" Arizona offers, going to turn the kettle on.

"Please."

When my girlfriend arrives back in the room with two cup of coffee I see her hesitate as to where to sit. She eventually decides on sitting by my side but leaving a gap between us and hands me my coffee.

"Are you okay to work later?" She asks and I confirm.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. We still have a few hours though right?" I ask quickly checking my watch to make sure.

"We do. I didn't know if you would want to go to a meeting before is all." I love how she considers these things for me. At first it was a little overwhelming having someone care for my every moment but I've grown to enjoy it.

"I went to one yesterday morning. I may hit one after work, I'm not sure but I'm okay for now." I explain, taking a sip from my drink.

It's only now that we are home and I have time to think that I realise what I agreed to earlier. Sure I trust Addison with my life, I know she would do anything for me, but I don't know if I could put her through that. Over the previous few weeks I have been more in touch with Addison, trying to arrange a time when she could come visit and catch up, but we have never had an actual reason to make it happen so the date kept being put off. I don't know how much I'll be able to tell her but at this point, whatever I decide to tell her should be in person.

"I don't know how to talk to her." I say aloud causing Arizona to look towards me.

"Who?" My girlfriend asks, not understanding the context of the conversation.

"Addison. I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to hurt her." I elaborate.

"Addison loves you Amelia. Whatever you choose to tell her is totally up to you, and yes, she may get a little upset when you talk but it'll only be because she loves you. Whatever you say isn't going to change that." Arizona tells me stroking my hair behind my ear and resting an arm over my shoulder.

"I don't know how much I should tell her. I don't know if I'll be able to get the words out." I'm proud of how well I held myself together today but the emotions need to come out, and I would rather talk to Arizona than make any bad decisions.

"You managed to talk to me, I know it was difficult but you managed over time. None of what you told me ever made me love you any less, in fact it probably did the opposite."

"Seriously? My trauma is attractive to you?" I let out a small huff, in an attempt to make a joke, not really annoyed at the statement.

"You know that's not what I meant, but seriously, you managed to talk to me, and I didn't know you anywhere near as much as Addison does."

"That's the problem though. To Addie, I'm just her innocent little sister. She has known me my whole life, she wouldn't forgive herself for not realising what had happened. She knows about Ryan, Christopher and the drugs, but this is different."

"I know and I'm here, whatever happens." Arizona replies kindly staying by my side.

"Would you stay with me while I talk to Addison?" I ask her, my voice shaking a little.

"If that's what you really want, but I don't think you need me there. You're safe with Addison, and it's something you should probably do alone." She tells me honestly, and I know she's right. It is something I need to do alone but it scares, something Arizona quickly realises. "But I can stay nearby, if you wanted to talk here I'll just stay in the bedroom incase you need me."

"Okay."

"It's not a no, I will be there if that's what you need, I just don't want to get in the way."

"I'm just scared. What if I have a panic attack? Addie has seen me on my worst days but never like that. Never that vulnerable."

"I'll be just down the hall, and you just need to say this word and I'll be there. Are you going to call her to arrange it?" Arizona asks me and I pull my phone out of my pocket.

"I texted her on the way home asking her to call me if she has a moment to spare, she is probably at work and I didn't want to interrupt." I explain, unknowingly fidgeting with my hands. I run them over my legs bringing them back to my body when Arizona places her hand on top of them to stop the movement. "Sorry. My skin is crawling."

"Can I do anything?" Arizona wonders aloud and I shake my head.

"It's like the withdrawal symptoms all over again but it doesn't last long, it usually just when I'm stressed."

My girlfriend takes the empty mug from my hands and places it on the coffee table in the centre of the room before wrapping her arms around my body. "Does this help?" She asks me and I nod my head and lean into the embrace.

I don't know how she manages it. Arizona is always able to help me calm down somehow. She doesn't even have to say anything, her presence alone is soothing. Obviously I know just the existence of my girlfriend can't solve all my problems but it makes them a little less overwhelming. For so long I believed that I could only have true love once in my life. I thought I wasted my one on Ryan, a man who I didn't know and who barely knew me. Now, sitting here, resting against my girlfriends body I know that's not true. My life has been far from easy, I've experienced things most people could never even consider. I could never have imagined Arizona would walk into my life, I never imagined I would so easily decide I wanted to spend my life with somebody. The moment she asked me to move in with her, there was no doubt. There was no hesitation, just love. That's all there is to it.

The vibration of my phone pulls me out of my thoughts. I check the screen to see Addie's name and quickly slide across to answer the call.

"Hi Addie" I say quickly after answering my phone.

"Amelia, hi, are you okay?" She asks through the phone, barely taking a moment to greet me first.

"Yeah, I was just- Could we try to organise for you to come visit in the next few weeks? I know we've been talking but I wanted to actually put plans down." I explain, my hand gripping my phone a little tighter to prevent the phone from falling due to my shaking hand.

" Amelia, what's going on? Are you okay? You're scaring me" Addison knows me a little too well, it's like she knew something was going on before she even answered the phone.

"I'm okay, I'm safe. I just have a few things I need to talk to you about." I respond, trying to ensure she knows I'm okay but not begin anything I know I can't finish.

"Are you pregnant?"

"No, no, nothing like that. I'm with Arizona how would that even work." Okay, now I'm beginning to think maybe she doesn't know me as well as I thought.

"Drugs?

"I'm sober I promise. I eh, I actually started going to therapy to try to stay that way." I reveal, unsure how she would respond but knowing there would be no judgement and it would give her a little comfort.

"Therapy is good Amelia, I still go for no reason other than to talk through my life choices." She responds and I nod my head, despite knowing she cannot see me through the phone line.

"Yeah, I guess. I just have a lot going on and want to see you in person. I miss spending time together."

"I need to talk to Charlotte about getting time off at the hospital, and to Jake about childcare for Henry, so it probably won't be this week, but maybe the week after. Wait a second-"

Addison's talking is suddenly interrupted by a flow of conversation. From what I can tell she is talking to Charlotte about getting a few days off from work. Charlotte's initial bitchy reaction made me laugh, she was considering saying no until Addison told her she was coming to visit me. I lose track of the conversation for a bit, struggling to hear what's going on. A couple of minutes later Addison puts the phone back to her ear confirms she should be able to come to Seattle for a couple of days the week after next, she just needs to run it by Jake. I feel butterflies in my stomach, the situation suddenly becoming real but I am also excited. I haven't seen Addison in a long time and could really use a hug. We say our goodbyes and I put my phone down, moving once again to rest my head on Arizona's chest.

My girlfriends hand makes its way to my back, rubbing slow circles.

"She spoke to Charlotte, got permission to have time off at the hospital for a few days. She's thinking maybe next Wednesday, but she needs to talk to Jake to make sure he can pick Henry up from school." I explain to my girlfriend.

"How old is he now?" She wonders and I realise how little she actually knows about my time in LA, my friends and family. Obviously she knows them by name but not much more. I pick up my phone to open Addisons facebook page, pulling up the latest image of Henry.

"He's 7. He was born about a month before Christopher." I can see Arizona studying the photo, trying to catch on to see any resemblance between Addison and Jake who are stood behind him in the image.

"He was adopted, Addison can't have kids." I explain and I see the statement register on her face.

"That - makes more sense, I was trying to see some similarities but I came up empty. It must have been hard, seeing Addison get a healthy baby after everything you were going through." Arizona voices and she's right. I mean, I couldn't even look at Addison or Henry for months after Christopher was born. Most people put it down to jealously, and maybe it was partially but it was more about me fighting to keep myself alive. I couldn't deal with any more loss. In my mind, the less people I loved, the less likely I was to get hurt. Those months when I was alone was when the cutting restarted. It didn't take long for me to realise that pushing people away wouldn't help, but by that point I didn't know where to turn Every day the topic went undiscussed it got a little bit harder to bring up, so I gave up. I just tried to go back to my life before but failed miserably.

We spend a decent proportion of the day laid on the couch. I only move when I check my watch to see I start work in a little less than an hour. I climb out of Arizona's embrace, much to both our our disappointments. Once I am up, I head to our bedroom to collect the things I need for work, putting them in my bag before grabbing my towel from the radiator so go take a quick shower.

I still feel anxious, butterflies in the deep of my stomach. It makes me feel more self conscious which is not a feeling I enjoy. As I remove my clothing and look down at my body I see that the cut from last week has healed. There are no cuts currently on my skin. It seems like forever since this situation has occurred and yet, I get a sudden urge to reach for my blade, to create new damage. I quickly push that thought from my head, not wanting to ruin the work I have to into staying healthy. I want to resist the cravings. I know deep down that I'll probably cut again at some point soon, I know I can't just quit, but I am trying my absolute hardest to abstain for as long as possible. I turn the water onto hot and finish removing my clothing, tracing my fingers gently over my scars. They're a reminder, a reminder that I will never be normal, but I don't think I would get rid of them if I had the choice. Sure, they're ugly, and I have to make sure I hide them from most people, but they're mine. They tell my story of how I survived. They show the pain I have been through, that nobody I know can truly understand. The scars also remind me of how amazing Arizona is, how lucky I am to have her in my life. Most people would ge terrified, they would run in the other direction seeing a mess like me but she stayed, and I love her so much. She showed me that I deserve to be loved.

Arizona POV.

I offered to drop Amelia off at work, an offer that she politely declined. She is working late so she pointed out that if I dropped her off, I would need to pick her up at midnight, when Sofia will be fast asleep. I love my girlfriend for so many reasons, but there are times when what I feel for her intensifies. Whenever she puts Sofia before herself, I just want to cry and wrap my arms around her. She has had such a hard life but somehow still has all of her priorities straight. The way she behaves around Sofia is amazing, she had adapted to make everything I was worried about work. We have become our own little family unit, and when I see the two of them interact, I see all of Amelia's maternal instincts kick in. I don't want to scare her by telling her this, in her mind she is just the cool girlfriend who hangs out with us sometimes. I don't want her to feel like I have any expectations, after all, Sofia isn't her child. I don't think Amelia ever expected to be a mother again, all thoughts regarding motherhood have just been pushed out of her head, but I can see how much of an amazing parent she could have been for Christopher, how much of an amazing parent she is for Sofia.

Almost as though she knew I was thinking of her, I hear Sofia talking and knocking on the door. I quickly get up to undo the bolt, Sofia and Zola running in, Meredith carrying Sofia's school bag for her.

"Thanks so much for watching her, did she cause you any bother?" I ask my friend.

"Nope, she was great. She actually got Zola to do homework without putting up a fight which is a rarity these days." Meredith explains, passing me my daughters bag.

"I hope Sof never hits that phase, I mean I know she probably will but hopefully not for a long time. You want coffee?"

"Coffee would be great thanks. So, how's Amelia?" Meredith asks ands it's unexpected. About a million thoughts flick through my head, debating how to best answer the question.

"She's doing okay. Good days and bad days but it's going well. We are happy, and she is amazing with Sofia." I answer carefully, not putting any details into the conversation. I'm not 100% sure how much Meredith is aware of, and I would hate to reveal something Amelia wasn't ready for.

"I worry about her." Meredith states and I look to her for a further explanation. "Derek always told me he was the one who had to look after her, and after he died, I felt like I should have taken that on. I know she is a grown woman, and we didn't get along a lot of the time before Derek died, but I think that's what he would have wanted. I clearly didn't do well looking out for her, but I'm glad she has you now. She seems happy." Meredith says honestly and I feel tears building in my eyes. I swallow the lump in my throat, holding my tears back and look up.

"I love her. I would do anything for her, to try and help where I can."

"I haven't seen her as happy as she is with you in a long time." Meredith explains and I nod, unsure how to voice the race of thoughts that flow through my brain. Amelia struggles so often, and for Meredith to say she seems happier? I hate to think how bad things must have been a year ago, but I'm glad I'm able to make a difference.

"What you said about Derek, you could talk to her about it y'know." I Tell Mer, changing the topic away from myself.

"I don't really know what's going on with her, I don't want to say anything I shouldn't." Meredith admits, and I know what she means, but dancing around the topic isn't going to help anybody. Amelia has told me time and time again she just wants to be treated normally, so that's what I've been doing. I never stopped to think that maybe it wasn't just me who was treating her differently.

"Just talk to her. She may be going through a tough time but treating her differently won't help. She's a grown woman, she'll tell you if there is something she doesn't want to talk about." I reiterate my voice sounding a little harsher than I intended. I place my empty coffee mug on the table and look up to the other women on the couch . Meredith seems shocked at my sudden outburst, but I don't regret saying what I did. "She is still the same Amelia you've known for a long time. Treat her like a sister, she just needs people to be there for her."

"I guess. I just don't want to hurt her. I look at her and I see Derek, I can't lose her too."

"And you're not going to."

After a portion of small talk I realise the apartment is very quiet considering there are two, nine year old around here somewhere. "We should check on the girls, it's strangely quiet around here." I voice aloud, raising my concern. We make our way out of the living room and towards my daughters bedroom. When I push the door to her room open we can see the two girls asleep in Sofia's bed. At first glance, they look adorable, but it doesn't take long for us to figure out they're not really sleeping.

"Zozo, come on. Time to go home." Meredith says and the giggles start from both girls. They sit up in the bed and Sofia gives a small pout.

"It's almost your bedtime too missy, and you need to shower. Plus it's a school night so no sleepovers." I tell my daughter, not raising my voice but using a tone in which she knows not to fight back.

"How about a sleepover at the weekend? I'm off work on Saturday." Mer says to the girls, looking to me for my approval, which I quickly give.

"Can we mom?" Sofia asks climbing to her feet and running to wrap her arms around my waist.

"As long as you're good, I see no reason why not." I offer and her grin grows unimaginably wider.

"Thanks Mom."

"Yeah, thanks Zona, thanks Mom." Zola responds with a yawn, clearly too tired to be as excited as Sofia.

"Come on, let's get you home." Mer says, taking Zola by the hand and I follow to see them out.

A little over an hour passes, Sofia has showered and is now curled up by my side while I am sat watching a documentary. As much as I love having Amelia around, it's nice sometimes to have a quiet night in with my daughter. It gives us a chance to talk, about anything and everything.

"Mom, do you think Melia will help me with my art project?" Sofia breaks the silence to ask.

"I didn't know you had an art project. What is it about?" I ask my daughter, unintentionally skipping over her question about my girlfriend.

"We have to make something that makes us different. Like it could be a poster, or a drawing or a model but to show why I'm different from the other kids." She explains, yawning as she finishes her answer.

"That sounds good baby. I'm sure Amelia will help if you ask her, but make sure you have some ideas first because then you'll be able to get started quicker. But why Melia? Can't I help too?" I quiz my daughter, tickling her sides a little.

"Noooo, last time you helped your stick man was wonky! Amelia is a good drawer and I want to write about brains because Melia said brains are where our personality is and that makes everybody different."

"That's a really good idea baby. I think Amelia would be happy to help, but right now, you need to get to bed, you have school in the morning and you can't stop yawning."

"Yeah. Good night Mom, I love you."

"I love you too."

So this is kinda the beginning of a whole subsection of chapters. Hope you enjoyed, there are some tough times ahead but the happy sides will miss than make up for it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Amelia POV**

It's friday night and Arizona is working so I have Sofia for the evening. I am waiting in the playground for her to be released for the weekend when I am approached by another parent.

"Dr Shepherd right? Zola's aunt?" She asks curiously.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I respond. Her sudden approach making me feel a little uneasy. I'm not sure why but there is something strange about her.

"I'm Charlie's mom, he's in Zola's class. I've seen you around." I raise an eyebrow, feeling more uncomfortable by the moment. "Sorry, that sounded weird. I mean I've seen you picking her up sometimes. It's rare to see people who aren't parents or grandparents picking kids up. You must be close with her."

"I guess."

"Sorry, I feel like I creeped you out with the interrogation. I was actually coming over to see if you wanted to get dinner sometime?" Suddenly the weird exchange between us begins to make sense.

"I'm sorry, I'm actually in a relationship. I uh- I'm actually not here to pick Zola up, I'm collecting my girlfriends daughter. Speaking of, here she comes." I say giving an awkward smile and moving away from the other woman. "Hi Sof! Good day at school?" I ask as she slips her hand into mine. By the time I look back up the other woman had sauntered away and is facing in the other direction. I feel a sudden urge to message Arizona, inform her of the situation. I pull out her phone and send a quick text, telling her to call me when she is on her break, making sure to be clear it wasn't urgent before myself and Sofia make our way home.

As we are walking through the door my phone begins to vibrate in my pocket. Sofia runs straight to her room so I close the door and move to answer my phone.

"Hey Amy, everything alright?" Arizona asks, despite me having already told her in my message it wasn't important.

"Yeah, I just had a strange experience when I picked Sofia up." I hint, using my shoulder to hold my phone to my ear.

"Strange in what way?"

"One of the Mom's started talking to me, then asked me out on a date. Can you believe that? I obviously turned her down and said I was taken, but then things got even weirder… As soon as she saw I was picking Sofia up she freaked out and disappeared." I explain, repeating the events in my head.

"I can definitely believe that, you're hot. You're a fine specimen and I'm glad you're mine." I laugh at her compliments, but the confusion of what happened is still fresh in my brain.

"I'm definitely yours. But she seemed freaked out about Sofia."

"Are you sure she wasn't just embarrassed about hitting on a taken woman?"

"No, it seemed like more."

"Do you know her name?" Arizona asks, and I realise I didn't even think to ask for this vital piece of information.

"No, but she said she was Charlie's mom."

"Oh… That explains things. She slept with Callie. And I'm betting you didn't specify which of Sofia's mom's you were dating."

"Oh." Suddenly the chain of events click into place and I realise how truly awkward the situation must have been for her.

"Yeah. I don't think it makes much of a difference though. At least she isn't going to be a problem again."

"I guess. Did you really just call me a fine specimen though? That is like the weirdest compliment."

"But a compliment nonetheless. I'm not going to take it back because it's true. You are a damned fine specimen. Okay, Karev just overheard that and is now giving me the weirdest look. I have to go. I finish at 10, are you waiting up for me?"

"That depends, what's in it for me?" I ask flirtatious and I can basically feel my girlfriend roll her eyes through the phone.

"I can think of a few things. I guess you'll have to wait and see. So I'll see you when I get back?"

"I'll be waiting."

* * *

A few hours later, Sofia and I have eaten and done the washing up. We decide to start working on her art project, we have had multiple ideas over the last few days and it's time to put them into action. The plan is to make a pop up book because Sofia has three sections she wants to cover: her unique family situation, brains and genetics. You can definitely tell she has been raised by a family of doctors, the way she immediately thought of the medical side.

We start with the page on family, but I'm not entirely sure where to begin. She wants to include sections on both her Mom's and a section on Mark.

"Melia, how do I print pictures from phones?" Sofia asks me.

"Well the easiest way is to put them onto my computer. Do you know which photos you want?" I question, not being able to help if I don't have the images.

"Mom put lots of them into a folder on her ipad. I'll get it." She insists, running out of the living room towards my bedroom.

"I got it!" She announces as she arrives back, entering the passcode into the ipad and opening images. "There is only one with Dad and both my Mom's, can we put that in the middle so it pops up?"

"Sure, whatever you want. Do you know what you're going to write about it?" I ask and I see thoughts running through her head.

"I'm going to write that I have an extra Mom compared to most kids because I have Mama's blood but Mom adopted me because she loved me so much." I feel my heart melt in my chest. I can imagine those exact words coming out of Arizona's mouth, that must have been how they explained it to her. "And I'm going to write about how all of them are doctors which means they're super smart and like to help people."

"That sounds good sweetie. So do you just want this picture or do you want any more?" I ask so I know what I need to print.

"I think just that one and then I'll draw Mom and Mama. I can't draw my dad because I don't remember what he looked like." The young girl reasons.

"You have photos you could copy."

"But he is always looking at me, not the camera so I can't draw him properly."

"I have an idea." I say, getting up to leave the room. "Come with me." I lead Sofia to our bedroom and open my draw to get out a photo album.

"I'm sure I have some photos of your dad in here, maybe even some of when he was little."

"Really?"

"Sure. I just have to photocopy them so we don't lose the originals." I see her nod her head but she looks like she is contemplating something more important.

"Melia, I have an idea. But I don't know if it'll work."

"What is it? Maybe I can help."

"We can make a timeline. My teachers used them in history but we could do it with my dad, showing him at different ages. And maybe with my mom's too. Do you think it'll work?"

"I think that's an amazing idea. You could make a timeline for you too at the bottom, I'm sure there are plenty of photos." I tell her and she nods her head rapidly.

"Can we make my Dad's tonight? Then I can show my Mom's so they know what I'm doing and can help find the best pictures."

"That's a great idea. So shall we choose some pictures?"

* * *

**Arizona POV**

When I arrive home I'm surprised to see the light still on in the living room and Amelia still sat on the couch. On a better inspection I see my daughter curled up in her arms, both of them fast asleep and what looks to be every craft supply we have ever owned across the carpet.

"Amelia wake up." I whisper quietly and she groggily opens her eyes, "Shh, I'm taking Sofia to bed, I thought you may want to relocate to the bedroom, it'll be more comfortable. I see her eyes flash down to the mess that they have left on the floor but I shake my head. "We can sort it tomorrow, don't worry." Amelia stifles a yawn and picks herself up from the couch. I pick Sofia up in my arms, she is getting a little too big for me to be doing this but I don't mind. Amelia slides ahead of me in the hall and opens the door to Sofia's room, making it easier for me to carry her in. As I place my daughter down on the bed she stirs a little and opens her eyes.

"Go back to sleep baby, I've just moved you to bed. I love you."

"I love you too." Sofia mumbles, rolling onto her side to go back to sleep.

When I enter my own room, Amelia is stood fumbling with her hands.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I uh, I know you mentioned maybe having sex tonight when we were on the phone earlier and-"

"It's okay if you're too tired, I can tell Sof has worn you out." I reply, letting her know that it's okay.

"It's not that I'm too tired. I-" Amelia starts but trails off, not finishing her sentence. I walk towards her side of the bed and put an arm round her waist, sitting us both down on the edge of the mattress. "I uh- I cut this morning. You had gone to work, and Sofia was at school. I tried the jar but it didn't help. I didn't want to but it just happened."

"It's okay. Thank you for telling me. Do you want to talk about it?" I offer giving her control over whether she decides to or not.

"I got a message from Addie. She is getting here on Wednesday and staying until Sunday morning." Amelia explains and I'm not sure whether this is why she cut or whether she has changed the topic entirely.

"That's okay. Are you not working for those days then?"

"Well I'm working Wednesday and Sunday but because she gets here on the evening and goes on the morning I should be fine to sort it." Amelia responds, and her grip on my hand tightens, normally that's a cue that she is going to continue talking. "I realised that on that Saturday is going to be the anniversary of my attack. I know it doesn't hold that much significance but normally on the anniversary I feel super shitty and I realised that I'm going to have to hold myself together." My girlfriend explains and suddenly her anxious behaviour begins to make sense.

"You never have to hold yourself together Amelia. You can feel whatever emotions you are having. I'll put stuff in place so we don't have Sofia and we can do whatever you want."

"Well, not really because Addie is here. But thanks."

"I'm sure she won't mind if you want to have a quiet day. Is that what made you cut?"

"I guess. It just hit me all at once, the thought of telling Addison what happened. I felt sick and my head was spinning. I needed it to stop." I can see a few stray tears making their way down her face and I carefully reaching over to wipe them away.

"Thank you for telling me. Come on, let's get ready for bed. You look like you need sleep." I tell her, pulling away to start removing my clothes.

Once we are in bed Amelia begins to kiss me. It starts slow but soon gets deeper, stronger. I can feel my conscience telling me to stop, that Amelia isn't in the right state of mind and I pull myself away.

"Amy, you're not ready for this. Not tonight." She takes a shuddering slow breath before replying.

"I know, I don't want to be touched, not today anyway, but you're a good distraction. Please let me make you feel good." Amelia begs and I accept. I'm not sure if it's the best idea, but if giving her control makes her feel better and gives me an orgasm then who am I to say no.

She climbs up on top of me, straddling my body and leaning in to kiss me. She arches her back up to my chest, her breasts grazing against my own through our bras. She traces the material that keeps us apart around to my back. I lift myself a little to help her get to the hook. I help her remove my bra, pulling the straps down my arms and Amelia takes the fabric, throwing it to the floor. She cups my breasts with her hands, her thumbs tracing over the sensitive buds. Just as I think I can't get any more lost in the sensations I'm feeling she attaches her mouth to my pulse point. When I her gentle attack becomes harsher I move her head, bringing it back to my own.

"Sorry, I don't want obvious hickeys, I work with kids." She nods against me, moving her lips back to my own.

Our kisses and movements get deeper once more, our bodies grinding against each other but partially disrupted by her bra, the fabric preventing the full contact I so desperately want. I place my hand on the arch of her back slowly dragging it higher, feeling bumps rise on her skin. When I get to the hooks of her bra I stop and look to her face. I look into her eyes and wait for a response. When she doesn't say anything I pull away.

"Amelia, can I take it off?"

She quickly understands the situation and nods her head, granting me permission. I slowly unhook the fabric before peel the fabric down her shoulders. Her breath shudders a little but she moves her attention back to me. Her hands gently kneading my breasts once more. A sudden burst of wetness makes itself evident between my legs making me groan. Amelia smirks at the sound, and sits herself up to readjust our position. She takes her time, tracing her hands over my body before arriving at the hem of my panties. She traces her fingers around the edges, my thighs clenched and my stomach tingling.

"Amelia. Please." I pant, begging her for a little more contact. Without the usual teasing she removes the offending articles, throwing them to the ground to join the rest of my clothes. I expect her to jump straight back in where we left off but she doesn't, she just waits and I see her mood switch.

"Amelia, are you okay? Do you want to stop?" I ask her carefully.

"No, I just need a moment. If that's okay?"

"I wouldn't be upset if you wanted to stop. It's really okay."

"No, I want to continue. Just you tonight though."

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I've learned that when she is having bad days, she enjoys the act of having control more than intercourse itself. I place my hand at the base of her back and she shakes her head." I want to leave them on." She voices, referring to her panties, the only article of clothing still on her bare body.

"That's okay. You know I love you in lace, I mean I love you naked too but-"

"Arizona it's fine." She says before placing one of her hands next to my head, and tracing the other down my body, towards my sensitive zone. Our breasts brush against each others repeatedly, our bodies moulding together like this was always meant to be. I feel her fingers swipe between my folds, the sound of my wetness can be heard over our heavy breathing but the room is quiet. It's a moment for us, all of our energies focused onto one another.

"Amelia, I need you. Please." I moan and her fingers relocate to my clit. The excess of fluid means her fingers can slide smoothly around the bundle of nerves, keeping her pace gentle but stern. "Stop teasing Amy. I need more." I beg and she stops her movements to press two fingers into me. She retracts them slowly before re-entering my body. I feel her trimmed nails scratch gently at my walls and my body responds uncontrollably, but never quite reaching the point of release. With her constant pace not wavering I reach my right arm down to the sensitive bud that is no longer getting the required attention. I place my left arm on her back and pick up where Amelia had left off, drawing gentle circles around my clit. It doesn't take long for the pressure in my stomach to begin to build. Amelia obviously understands as she quickens her pace a little, increasing her rocks against me. I match her new pace, grunting with every internal thrust until it becomes too much and I unravel beneath her.

It takes a few minutes for me to regain my normal breaths, for my heart rate to slow down enough to relax. Amelia has wiped my juices from her hand but is still laid on top of me, her head resting on my chest while I breathe. There are so many things I could say to her right now. Thanking her for the sex, telling her she is beautiful, telling her that I love her. All of these thoughts rushing around my mind but what comes out is none of these things. Instead, it's "You make me so happy Amelia. You make me so, so happy." She nods her head against my chest, showing her understanding but not replying to my words. "Are you okay?"

"Being happy scares me." My girlfriend admits, not moving from on top of me, but allowing herself to be vulnerable.

"I know." I say gently, wrapping my arms around her in the hope that it'll help make her feel safe.

"I just- I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Everytime I think I'm happy, someone gets hurt, or diagnosed with cancer, or overdoses or gets shot. Every time I think I'm getting my life together. It's scary."

"I know. You have been through too much, and I know it isn't fair. I can't promise that nothing bad will happen, but I can say that there is no way I'm leaving you. You're stuck with me now, even if there is another shoe that drops. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere." I promise her, meaning every word that comes out of my mouth. I feel her take a shaky breath on top of me and her hand finds mine. Her fingers slip between my own and I squeeze her hand, letting her know I'm still here.

"I love you Az. Even when I'm feeling a little screwed up, I love you." Amelia tells me and I feel tears swell in my eyes. I know that Amelia loves me, but hearing her say it out loud like this makes me realise how special what we have is. For Amelia to talk about our relationship so openly, it means everything.

* * *

I realised today I had totally forgot to post this chapter. The one I'm currently working on (about 6 chapters in the future) is currently killing me, I just can't seem to work it out. Anyway, thats a me problem, I'm sure I'll figure it out soon.

As always, reviews are appreciated.


	17. Chapter 17

So I had this idea a while ago but I had to wait until the time was right, I also had to make sure the situation was right and I wasn't forcing it for no reason (the second half of the chapter). Anyways, here it is, hope you enjoy.

* * *

**Amelia POV**

I've been awake for a small while. I cannot bring myself to go back to sleep so I'm just sat awake in bed. I'm not panicked, and I don't plan to hurt myself, I'm just awake and I can tell sleep is not going to come. I am pulled away from my thoughts when I hear quiet crying from outside my bedroom door. I quickly get dressed, throwing on shorts and t-shirt on before sneaking out to ensure Sofia is okay.

It's dark in the hallway but I can see light snaking through from under the bathroom door so I assume Sofia is in there.

"Sofia baby, can you open the door?" I ask calmly after giving the door a light knock.

"Melia? It hurts." She says quietly through the door and I become immediately alarmed, switching to doctor mode.

"What hurts Sofia? Are you okay? Can you unlock the door for me?" I ask with a little more urgency in my voice but still quiet, considerate of my sleeping girlfriend down the hall.

"My belly hurts and there is blood." The nine year old answers answers and my brain runs through the hundreds of possibilities that this could be.

"Sofia, was the blood between your legs?"

"Yeah." I hear as a small sob.

"It's okay baby. It's nothing to worry about. Can you open the door for me or do you want me to get your mom?" I offer, suddenly realising that the young girl may not be comfortable with me being here in this situation. I don't get a verbal reply but I hear the door unlock so I enter slowly. The blood covered pyjama pants are on the floor and Sofia is stood next to the toilet with a towel covering the bottom part of her body. Her face has tear tracks, she has obviously been awake a little while. This whole situation must be very scary for her so I make sure to stay calm.

"You're okay sweet girl. This is totally normal, it just means you're getting older is all." I explain, moving a little closer and sitting on the edge of the bath.

"But it hurts and my bed has blood." Sofia admits, her bottom lip quivering as she tries to hold back tears.

"That's easily cleaned, don't worry about it. Why don't you have a shower to clean yourself up and then we will have a little talk huh? Let me just get you some new pyjamas." I say leaving the bathroom a moment. My eyes flash over the bed, seeing the stain Sofia was referring too. It's not as bad as I expected but I'll still change it while she showers. I grab a pair of pyjama bottoms and clean underwear from the drawer before making my way back to the bathroom.

Sofia seems to have calmed down a little by the time I get back. I place the folded pants on the floor and grab a sanitary towel from the drawer.

"See what I'm doing?" I ask the girl, making sure she understands how to do this on her own for next time. "This way the blood doesn't get everywhere." I explain, using my thumb to wipe a stray tear from her face. "Once you've showered put these on and I'll get you a hot water bottle for the belly ache okay?" Sofia nods then looking towards the shower, hinting for me to leave. I pick up her dirty washing and close the door behind me to let her shower.

Before I deal with the mess I head back to our bedroom to wake Arizona. This is definitely something she should be dealing with, not that I mind but I don't want to overstep.

"Az wake up." I whisper, placing my hand on her arm.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Arizona asks, panicking at the sudden awakening.

"Sofia started her period and is pretty freaked out. She is showering and I'm going to sort her sheets but I figured you should talk to her when she is out. I told her it's totally normal and showed her how to use a pad but I didn't want to over step." Arizona is suddenly very awake and beginning to panic.

"She's only nine. How? It's too early."

"Arizona you're a paediatric surgeon, you know it's totally normal between the ages of nine and seventeen. Just stay calm, she needs a Mom, not a doctor right now." Arizona nods her head and I wrap my arms around her offering comfort.

"She's okay, I promise. I'm going to clean the sheets, can you get her a hot water bottle for the cramps?" I ask my girlfriend, passing her her leg and some clothes.

It doesn't take long for me to replace the young girls sheets. The whole situation has clearly upset Arizona, presumably due to its unexpected nature. I can see she is trying to be strong for Sofia's sake but I see straight through her lies.

When Sofia comes out the bathroom she runs straight into Arizona's arms?

"It's okay honey, we just need to have a little talk then we will get some more sleep okay?" Arizona explains, rubbing small circles on her daughters back. I pick up the hot water bottle Arizona had prepared and pass it over.

"I'm going to let you two talk." I announce and Arizona nods, giving me a small smile.

"Melia no." I hear Sofia say quietly causing me to turn back around. "Can you stay please?"

Arizona looks a little shocked at Sofia's request, and I watch her to make sure she has no objections. Coming up empty, I make my way to sit back on the bed on the other side of the young girl.

My girlfriend takes a deep breath before breaking the silence again.

"Are you okay Sof?" She asks before starting and her daughter nods her head.

"I was scared but now I'm okay." She says in the tiniest voice.

"You're allowed to be scared, but there is nothing to be afraid of. You're just getting older."

"That's what Melia said. But why?"

"Why what?"

"Why does blood mean I'm getting older?"

"It's your body getting ready to be an adult. It means that when you're older you can have children." Arizona explains but Sofia shakes her head.

"I'm not old enough to have children."

"That's right, you're not having children for a long time but your body doesn't know that." Arizona explains but the girl looks more puzzled than she did to start with. "Inside your body are tiny little eggs, and when you don't get pregnant your body has to get rid of them so you bleed a little bit." Arizona tries to explain and Sofia seems to understand this a bit better.

"So you bleed too?" Sofia asks me and I confirm.

"Yep, and your mom. All girls have periods, some start a little earlier than others but we all get them in the end." I assure her.

"Does it always hurt?" The girl asks her mother and Arizona shakes her head.

"Not always, but everybody is different. When it hurts you can just put a hot water bottle on your belly and that helps." She explains.

"You know what else helps me Sofia?" I offer and she turns to look at me. "Cuddles from your Mom. I think they're the best medicine."

"Yeah, Mom's cuddles are the best." She says with a yawn.

"Do you want to sleep in our bed tonight?" Arizona offers her daughter but Sofia shakes her head.

"No, I'm okay. I'll sleep here."

When we are back in our room I see tears start falling down Arizona's face. I close the door behind us and take her hand to go sit on the bed.

"Come here." I say opening my arms offering physical comfort. Arizona falls into my arms, letting herself fall apart. I rub small circles on her back, mimicking the action she had used to comfort Sofia and just let her cry.

"I feel like I failed her. I just look like an awful mom."

"You're an Amazing Mom, Arizona."

"You're just saying that because you love me." my girlfriend responds with a shaky breath.

"I do love you, but that doesn't change the fact you're an awesome mom. I'm saying it because it's true. I didn't have the strongest relationship with my Mom after Dad died so trust me okay, Sofia is lucky to have you." At this Arizona doesn't respond, she just stays in my arms so I continue to talk. "I was ten when I got my first period, and I was just as confused as Sofia. My Mom wasn't around so Addison explained things to me. Even when My Mom found out she didn't offer any explanation, she just presumed I was fine. You just sat down with Sof in the middle of the night to make sure she was okay. You're an excellent Mom and if anybody tells you otherwise I will personally make sure they never see the light of day again."

My last statement gets a small laugh out of her.

"I'm sorry your Mom wasn't there for you." Arizona finally says.

"Don't be. I had Addison, I was lucky. And it made me who I am today."

"Callie gets really bad period cramps, every time. I just hope Sofia hasn't inherited that trait." My girlfriend sighs. "Thank you for waking me. I hate to think what would have happened if you hadn't woken."

"I was already awake and I heard her crying. I couldn't just leave her there. I love her."

"She loves you too. And I love you. Why were you awake?" Arizona asks me and I look at her, not saying anything but letting her know the answer.

"Nightmare?"

"Yeah. But I'm okay. I didn't do anything." I say, making sure she knows I haven't created any new cuts.

"Do you think you could get any more sleep?" Arizona asks, seeing how it's only 3am I nod. We crawl back under the covers and I wrap my arm around her body, my head resting behind hers. It's rare that I am the one giving comfort, that I get to hold Arizona but I like it. I'm glad she trusts me enough to do this.

"Goodnight. I love you."

* * *

**Arizona POV**

When I wake up Amelia is no longer in our bed. The sheets next to me are cold so she hasn't been in bed for a while. Sitting myself up I reach for my phone, I hadn't realised it was after 10am. I never sleep for this long. I can hear quiet conversation coming from the living room so I head in that direction. Amelia and Sofia are sat on the floor with what I assume to be Sofia's art project, the papers still covering the floor but it's not as much of a mess as last night.

"Mom, come look what we are doing!" Sofia says as soon as I enter the room. She takes me by the hand and brings me over to the floor. There are pictures here of Mark, pictures that I've never seen before. Amelia must have had them stashed away somewhere. "We are making a timeline of Dad! I don't remember him that well but this way he's still included. Then I'm doing a timeline of me!"

"That's an amazing idea sweetie. Can I see the photo's?" I ask and she hands me the half glued paper. I look up to Amelia, wordlessly thanking her for doing this.

"They're photocopies, don't worry."

"Where did you have all of these?"

"Oh, they're mostly of Derek and Mark, from an old photo album. We just cut Mark out to make it work." My girlfriend explains like it's nothing, not realising how much she has actually done for my daughter.

"Still, thank you. Do you want coffee?" I offer, standing back up and going to make myself some.

"No thanks. I was actually going to run to the store if that's okay, I was just waiting for you to get out of bed. Do we need anything other than bread and toilet roll?"

"I think we are getting low on milk, oh and you're low on tea."

"Got it. Let me know if you think of anything else." She says, putting her sneakers on and leaving the apartment.

I don't know why but I have a strange feeling. Something about Amelia just didn't seem right this morning, sure she acted happy when she was talking to Sofia, but the way she left as soon as I was awake, it was just strange. She was too quiet. My first thought is that she has cut, but I don't think that's it. There is something else.

Coffee in hand I make my way back through to join my daughter. She seems okay at least, especially considering all that she went through last night.

"How are you feeling?" I ask my daughter openly, causing her to look up toward me.

"I'm okay. My belly still hurts but not as bad as last night." She explains simply.

"How long have you two been awake?" I ask Sof, and she shrugs.

"A while. We had cereal and watched an episode of spongebob before doing my work." She answers, her face suddenly switching to confusion. "Mom, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, what's up?" I respond, surprised that she wants permission rather than asking her question straight out.

"I didn't want to ask Melia incase it was a bad thing." She starts and all thoughts of what could be going through her head vanish. I had presumed she was going to ask me a question about periods, but she seemed pretty open with Amelia about the topic last night, and I don't think there is anything she would consider 'bad' or upsetting to Amelia.

"That's okay. What's your question?"

"Why does Amelia have cuts on her legs? Last night she came into the bathroom wearing shorts and I saw some of them." I hadn't even noticed Amelia's attire last night, I had been too concerned over my daughter.

"I'm sorry you saw those baby. You did well asking me instead of Amelia because they make her feel sad to talk about."

"But why?"

"Because they give her sad memories. But lots of the cuts are better now aren't they? That's because she is so strong and they're getting better. They're her battle scars to show how strong she is." I explain as best I can, not wanting to go into too much detail.

"Did somebody hurt her?" Sofia asks me and I give her a small smile. She is getting way to smart for her own good.

"Yes they did, but she is safe now. She has me and you to keep her safe."

"How do we keep her safe?" My daughter asks me curiously, her eyebrows furrowed at the thought.

"By showing her how much we love her, and giving her lots of cuddles. Doesn't that make you feel safe?"

"Yeah. I can give Melia cuddles." Sofia says with a smile, moving back to work on her project.

"I'm sure that'll make her very happy."

I don't know how I feel about Sofia seeing this side of Amelia. I try my best to keep all of the hurt in the world hidden away from her but there is only so much I can do. It's not that I'm ashamed of Amelia, the opposite even. I love every part of her, and I'm happy she is comfortable being herself, but that doesn't mean I want Sofia to be exposed to it. I think I did an okay job of explaining it, I just don't want Sofia to find out the truth and be influenced by it. I don't want her to think that it's a normal coping mechanism.

I'm going to have to talk to Amelia about this update, but I'm already worried about her as it is. With her unusual mood this morning, I'm concerned about how this could go badly. After some consideration I decide to wait until after I've made sure my girlfriend is okay before bringing up the potentially unnerving topic. The last thing I want is to cause problems for the person I have grown to love so much.

Almost as though she knows I'm thinking about her I hear my girlfriend arriving home. I hear the door click shut and then her shouting for Sofia. I follow my daughter through to the kitchen to see what the commotion is about.

"I bought you something. I saw it at the store." Amelia says pulling a stuffed unicorn plush toy out of one of the bags. Sofia takes it from Amelia, wrapping her arms around it, about to reply but Amelia interrupts. "It's not just any unicorn though Sof, this type is special see, if you undo the velcro you can take this bag out and put in the microwave. This way when you get belly ache you can warm it up on your own rather than getting help with a hot water bottle."

Sofia carefully follows Amelia's instructions, removing the bag from the inside of the unicorn. Amelia takes a quick look at the directions, telling my daughter to put it in for 1 minute and 30 seconds. When the timer beeps Sofia carefully puts the toy back together and her smile grows, taking over her face.

"Mom you have to feel this! It's so soft and warm!" She expresses with excitement bringing it over to me. Watching this interaction makes my heart swell in my chest.

"What do you say to Amelia?" I hint to my daughter.

"Thank you Melia! I love him. I'm gonna call him Steve!" She giggles bringing the biggest smile to all of our faces.

"What can I say? Steve is a perfect name for a pink fluffy unicorn." Amelia says, her voice filled with sarcasm but so much love at the same time.

Sofia takes her new toy to the couch, picking up where she left off with her work and I saunter toward my girlfriend wrapping my arms around her.

"I love you Amelia, so much." I whisper in her ear while we embrace and she nods her head, but I hear her swallow the lump in her throat. I feel her breath quiver a little against me, and I know she is crying, my worries about her multiplying in my mind but I'm grateful she is letting me be here for comfort. Knowing that Sofia is busy with her project, I take Amelia's hand and lead her to the bedroom where we can talk with a little privacy.

Instead of heading to sit on the bed, Amelia opts to sit on the floor, the way she used to after a breakdown. I move to sit next to her, again mimicking how I would comfort her all those months ago when we would find our self in this situation. I remove my leg knowing that it gets uncomfortable sitting on the floor before offering Amelia my hand.

"I fucked up Az, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I really didn't." Amelia mumbles, moulding my hand into different shapes, her breathing getting more and more erratic.

"Amelia, it's going to be okay. I promise. Whatever happened, we can work it out."

"You can't promise that. I broke my promise to you and I can't fix that." She sobs and I become even more confused.

"Amelia sweetie, you're going to have to give me a bit more information here, but you need to calm down first okay, you're going to make yourself ill. Can I come a little closer?" I ask carefully and she nods, but I can see her hesitation. "Deep breaths, you've got this." I instruct taking one and to put around her back, rubbing it up and down her upper arm for comfort, leaving my other hand for her to hold onto.

"I was stupid, wreckless even. I think she saw." Amelia manages to get out.

"What?"

"Sofia. I was so worried about her that I put shorts on that didn't cover all the cuts. I hadn't realised until I woke up wearing them. I think she saw, this morning get eyes kept flicking to my legs and I promised I would never hurt her. I can't believe I was so stupid. I uh, I understand if you want me to leave. " Amelia sobs and I pull her closer.

"I know. It's okay, you're not going anywhere." I say and Amelia's eyes look at me, glassy from the crying and I can see her pain.

"I've probably terrified her, or scarred her life."

"You haven't. She did see them, but she was more curious than scared. She was worried about you. I talked to her this morning." I explain softly, not pulling away for a moment, just staying by her side.

"I never wanted to expose her to any of this. You're the only person that knows about the cutting, other than Anne but that's different. I just can't believe I forgot to cover them. How are you so calm about this?" She asks me, and I wipe the tears from her face.

"Because I love you, and I know you didn't mean for this to happen. I'm not saying I like the idea of Sofia being exposed to this, but it was an accident. You totally forgot about the one thing that's been consuming your life out of love and concern for my daughter. You were worried for her safety and you forgot about yourself. That's maternal love, it's how it works."

"Oh my god, no. I'm not trying to be her Mom, I'm really not. I know she has you and Callie and I don't want to get in anybody's way."

"Hey, I meant it as a good thing. Sofia knows you're not her Mom, but she treats you as one. Just like you treat her as your own child. I love that you two get along so well, I wouldn't change it for the world." I reassure her, coming true about the things I have been noticing for the past few months.

Amelia and I stay sitting on the floor for what seems like an eternity. Her tears have gradually slowed, only a few rare tears escaping her eyes.

"Is Sofia seeing your scars why you left this morning?" I ask her carefully, still worried about what had happened earlier.

"A part of it. I just needed to process, I needed some space."

"Do you want to talk about it now?" I offer.

"Not really, if that's okay? I haven't figured out all my own thoughts and I'm not quite ready to try and talk about it. How did you explain the cuts to Sofia? "

"Of course you don't have to. I told her they were your battle scars and they show how strong you are, then she asked if somebody hurt you. I didn't want to lie to her so I said yes but didn't give any details, I just said hugs help you feel safe. Is that okay? "

"That's perfect actually. I'm still sorry I put you in that situation though, I should have been more careful."

"I know I said you didn't have to talk about it, I ask one question though?" I say, receiving a slight nod from my girlfriend. "You can have all the time in the world to work out your feelings, just, if there is anything I can do, could you just ask me? You don't even have to explain, even if you just need a hug, or to cry. Ask me?"

"Arizona, a hug sounds really good right now." Amelia responds and I wrap my arms around her. These are the exact words she said to me the first night she stayed here, all that time ago. Since then these moments have been a sacred part of our relationship, something I've grown to appreciate so much more.

"Thank you, Amelia. Thank you for talking to me."

Our peaceful moment is interrupted when my daughter knocks lightly on the door before entering. Upon seeing Amelia crying Sofia looks a little hesitant but makes her way over to sit with us. Sofia carefully sits next to Amelia, leaning into her side for a careful hug.

"Mom said hugs help when you're feeling sad." She explains and Amelia smiles, pulling her in a little closer.

"Your mom's right, hugs definitely help. Plus, I hear you're having a sleepover tonight to I have to make the most of your hugs now." My girlfriend replies and Sofia's face lights up for a moment but her smile quickly falls.

"What's the matter baby? You feeling okay?" I ask but she shakes her head.

"Do I have to sleep at Zola's tonight?"

"You don't have to, but you've been looking forward to this for days. What's changed?" I ask, carefully watching my daughters facial expressions for any hint of what is going through her mind.

"I don't want to have my period at Zola's. What if it hurts and I want you?" Sofia says solemnly, sighing a little at the thought.

"Well then you can call me and I'll come pick you up."

"And I don't know where stuff is in their bathroom? What if I can't find it?"

"Hey Sof, that's what I'm for. I used to live there so I know where everything is. I could show you when your mom drops you off if you want? We could even take Steve and I'll show you how to use the microwave incase you get a belly ache" Amelia explains kindly, Sofia still laid against her side.

"Okay. I'll try."

"I love you both so much." I express and Amelia smiles and gets up from the floor.

"Come on, let's head to the couch, I think snuggle time is in order with my two favourite ladies." She says as she holds out a hand to help me up. "And, I love you two too by the way."

* * *

So that's it. Here's the chapter. I was really anxious about posting this so reviews would very much be appreciated. Thanks for reading.


	18. Chapter 18

_So a little while ago I asked you to review or message me about how you felt about bringing Addison into the story for a few chapters - well you said yes. If you have watched Private Practice, you will know just how special this relationship is and how much they mean to one another. I think it's very important to show more than just Amezona in this story because there is more to life than romantic love - that's not to say there won't be any Amezona content in these chapters. There definitely will be.__Anyways, enjoy. _

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**Arizona POV**

I'm worried about Amelia. She barely slept last night, tossing and turning for hours on end. We are both working today, and she insists she is okay but I can tell she is scared. Addison gets here tonight, and I think that makes it real for her, knowing that over the next few days she is going to be discussing her problems with a new person all over again. I know it's going to be different with Addison because of how close they are. With myself, and in therapy, we didn't know each other too well, it was like a safety barrier, but Addison is Amelia's sister. They have known each other, and trusted each other for such a long time. She was there through all of Amelia's pain and suffering, after her dad died, after Ryan died, when Christopher died. All these things that I didn't know were happening, and she was there, she made sure Amy wasn't going through this alone.

Our shifts end in about half an hour, we have plans to leave here together and head straight to the airport. Having finished my last surgery for the day, I make my way back to the paeds ward, doing my final round before I leave. I make sure all my post op patients are stable, knowing I'm not at work until Friday. While I know Alex is more than capable of picking up exactly where I leave with patients, I have a rule that all my notes are up to date when I leave, not wanting anything to go to chance. When you're working with tiny humans you have to be extra careful to make sure they make a full recovery.

Once I have finished I make my way through the hospital to get changed, throwing my regular clothes on before heading to meet Amelia at the attendings lounge. When I get there Amelia has already changed clothes and it sat on the couch hugging her knees. She barely moved to acknowledge I had entered the room.

"Amelia, it's time to go. Are you ready?" I say quietly causing her to turn her head.

"Can we just wait a moment and then go?" She asks and I give a slight nod, moving to sit next to her on the couch.

"Are you okay?" I ask her, placing my arm around her back in order to hold her closer.

"I will be."

A soothing hug and a small talk later we make our way to the car. I know that my girlfriend is beyond anxious, and I understand why that is so but still, I think this is a good idea for her. She trusts Addison, and for her to be willing to share her pain, it means the world.

"It's going to be okay Amelia." I say placing my hand on her shoulder while we drive. "Everything will be okay."

"I know, I'm just scared. Talking about all this, it just makes it real."

"This is real Amelia, and you're allowed to be scared. Just know that I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." I explain, and I can see her trying to be strong, her tears threatening to fall. "Okay, remember the deal. We are still about 10 minutes from the airport, so you can have 5 minutes to cry, get it all out. After that you're going to dry your eyes and pick your sister up at the airport. Okay?" I ask, quickly glancing my eyes to her before looking back at the road and her tears have already begun to flow.

I hate that there isn't anything else I can do for her in this situation, but I know that right now, just being here is the best solution. We have had multiple discussions about the next few days, planned it out even. It's one of the coping strategies we have worked out. By planning ahead we can prepare for which emotions to expect, and how best to provide for them. Amelia has told me she doesn't want to get into anything deep with Addison tonight, mostly due to the knowledge that it would make the nightmares significantly worse. Tonight's plan is to grab Sofia on the way home and then order take-out, give them time to catch up. We made a deal earlier, knowing that there would be a lot of emotions. Sometimes just crying for a while, releasing some of the pain and anger, it helps. So she gets 5 minutes, that way she can let it out in a safe environment and she isn't alone.

When her time is up, I can see her running her hand up and down her jeans, over the thigh. I take my hand and place it over hers to stop the movement, making sure not to make her jump or put too much pressure on where there may be any cuts.

"Amy, stop. You're okay. You're so strong." I express and she nods a little, taking her other hand to wipe the tears away from her eyes.

"I'm okay." She responds, trying to convince herself more so than me.

"Yeah you are. Have a drink of water, rehydrate a little because we're almost there. As soon as we are parked we are going to have a big hug and then head inside." I explain giving her a sad smile and she nods her head.

"Okay."

When we arrive I put my car into park mode and turn off the engine.

"You need that hug now?" I offer and she wraps her arms around me almost immediately. I return the affection, tracing one hand up and down her back and the other holding the back of her head. Her body quivering as I hold her. When we pull away, I use my thumbs to wipe a few stray tears from her face, and go to place a soft kiss on her cheek. She stops me as I lean in, moving the angle of my face and connecting our lips in a slow, loving kiss.

"I'm ready. Let's go." Amelia announces as we pull away, showing sudden confidence in herself. I can't help but think that this face, this mask she is wearing is how she hid all her pain in the past but I don't dwell on it. If hiding her pain is how she is going to get through tonight then so be it, I will just have to be there for her later tonight incase she needs to fall apart in the privacy of our bedroom.

"Okay then, let's head inside."

**Amelia POV**

We make our way in, waiting around at arrivals. I notice a coffee stall and tell Arizona where I am going. I know Addie hates flights and will be in need of the caffeinated goodness so I buy her one as well myself. It doesn't take long for me to catch sight of my sister walking through the gate. I pass Arizona the cups of coffee to allow for me and Addison to hug.

"I've missed you." I whisper, as I release her from my grasp.

"Stop it, you're going to make me cry." Addie exclaims, swatting me a little and blinking back her tears. I move away, placing my hand back into Arizona's, and I see Addison smirk at the action. "Arizona, it's nice to see you again. It's been a while."

"Over nine years, oh god that makes me feel old." My girlfriend announces, realising what she has just said.

"You and me both, how is Sofia?"

"She is amazing, she's growing up too fast. Amelia said you have a son?" Arizona brings up and I motion for us to head towards the car as we talk.

"Yes, Henry. He is also growing to fast, he learned his first curse word yesterday so we are on high alert." Addie laughs at the thought.

"Which one? How bad was it?" I ask, keeping the conversation going.

"He referred to a medical documentary as 'Shit', I'm not sure where he learned it but he now knows not to repeat it, at least I hope."

When we arrive at the car I tell Addison to jump in the front with Arizona as we are picking Sofia up on the way home so I will sit back here with her. The anxious nerves are still there but the joy of seeing Addie again makes it so much better. I'm still dreading the conversation I intend to have tomorrow but I decide to focus on tonight, enjoy it while I can.

"Do you two want dropping off at the apartment or are we okay to grab Sofia now?" Arizona asks, glancing at me in the mirror.

"We are going past Mer's anyway, I'll just jump out and get her. Let me text Meredith and tell her we are on our way, that way she'll be ready." I tell my girlfriend before seeing the look on Addison's face. "Addie, chill, you're not going to have to talk to her."

"It's not that, I've just remembered a really weird conversation I had with her when she was on morphine for appendicitis. She probably won't even remember."

"Oh my god you have to tell me what happened? Meredith with no filter - this is great."

"She was having what she believed to be a crisis, trying to decide whether she was in love with Derek or the vet." Addison describes, shuddering at the thought.

"Wow, okay. I'm definitely going to torture her about this." I joke as we pull up to the house.

I open the door, still having a key from when I lived here and see Sofia sat on the step putting her shoes on.

"Hi Melia, is your sister here?" Sofia asks me and I nod.

"Yep in the car outside, she can't wait to see how grown up you are now."

"She knows me?" The young girl questions, her brows furrowing at the thought.

"Yep, she helped get you out of your Mama's tummy." I explain as she gets to her feet, picking up her bags.

"Can I meet her to Auntie Melia?" Zola asks as she comes out of the kitchen in her pyjamas and barefoot.

"Sure, come here because you haven't got shoes on." I say as I pick her up and head out to the car.

I open Addison car door and she seems slightly confused about the extra child in my arms. "Addie, this is Zola, Derek's daughter. She wanted to say hi"

"Hi Zola, it's nice to meet you. Amelia has told me all about you, and that you want to be a doctor." Addison says, reaching out to shake Zola's hand which makes the girl giggle.

"Yeah, I want to be a brain doctor like my dad and Aunty Melia."

"And you could be an awesome doctor, I'm sure your dad would be proud." Addison says with a sad smile.

"And you have me to give you special help, so you can be the best brain doctor ever. Come on, let's get you back inside before your mom thinks you're missing."

"Bye Arizona, bye Auntie Melia' s sister" Zola yells at the car as I carry her inside. With Zola inside I share a quick goodbye with Meredith who must have heard the commotion as she made her way down the stairs.

"Thanks for watching Sofia, sorry I'm making things quick, Addison is in the car. She is staying for a few days."

"No worries. Sofia was fine. Tell Addison I say hi."

"I will. Thanks again."

* * *

The evening runs fairly smoothly. We make small talk and anything we can think of, and Sofia talks about everything she has done in the past day, making sure not to miss a single detail. We play along until it is time for her to bed. Arizona heads off to tuck her in and I offer to order pizza. Sof had eaten at Meredith's earlier in the evening so we didn't want to order until she was in bed.

"If you're ordering Pizza you have to get me it from Don's Pizza, I miss that stuff. Pizza in LA sucks." Addison says desperately.

"You've got that right. I do not miss LA pizza." I reply, getting the number up on my phone to place the order. I was so worried about seeing Addison again, scared that it would be weird or awkward but it's not. We have just slotted straight back into our old routines.

With Sofia tucked into bed, Arizona makes her way back through to the living room.

"Addison, do you want a glass of wine?" Arizona offers, but instead of replying my sister looks to me.

"She'll take white Az." I reply and my girlfriend leave the room to prepare the drinks.

"Amelia, Arizona knows that you don't drink right?" Addison asks with growing concern.

"Yeah, but just because I'm not drinking doesn't mean you can't. It's fine Addie, I promise." I retort calmly. It's been over 6 years since she had last seen me, at which point I tended to avoid spending time with other people having alcohol. It makes me smile knowing that she remembers these things, it makes me feel a little more understood.

It doesn't take long for food to arrive. I take the pizza back to the couch and place the box on the coffee table. With a slice each for Arizona and myself I set back, leaving into her arms and getting comfy in her embrace. Since we started dating, it's rare that I allow physical contact in public, but I know I'm safe with Addison, I know she wouldn't judge me.

"You look happy Amelia. Happier than you ever looked in LA." Addison tells me between bites and Arizona tightens her embrace for a second, letting me know she is here.

"I'm getting there. Arizona makes me happy."

"I can see that. I'm happy for you, you deserve this."

"I don't know about deserving this, but I'm so grateful it's mine. I don't ever want to change all this."

"And you don't have to." Arizona responds from behind me, stroking my arm up and down with her hand.

The night passes uneventfully. We make small talk, catching up with both personal details and surgical achievements. There are lots of laughs and memories brought up, but not the bad kind. Memories of times that I was actually happy in the past. Somehow Addison manages to remind me of times that I thought I had forgotten.

When the sun has set and conversation begins to be replaced with yawns I offer to take my sister to her hotel. It's a little after 10 by the time we make it to the car, Arizona is staying at home as Sofia is in bed so it is just Addison and myself.

"Amelia, are you okay? I know you seem happy with Arizona, but something isn't right." Addison says, placing her hand on my thigh in a comforting gesture but I flinch at the action.

"I'm sorry, I uh, I'm okay."

"Amelia…" Addison pushes again, she knows me too well and I hate hiding stuff from her.

"I am working through some stuff, but I'm okay, I promise." I reveal, hoping the answer is satisfactory, at least enough to let the topic rest for the night.

"Talk to me, please."

"Tomorrow, it's a long conversation, and we are tired." I exhale, trying my best to hold my tears at bay.

"I'm proud of you y'know? Fighting for your own happiness. You deserve happiness Amelia, more than most people."

"I uh, thanks. I'm trying."

"I can tell you are. Can I have a hug?" Addison asks as I pull the car up at the Archfield Hotel. With the car turned off I reach over to her chair, pulling her into my arms. "I'm just worried about you. I want you to be happy."

"I know. We can talk tomorrow, I promise. Get some sleep."

Addison nods, giving me one more quick hug before exiting the car, taking her bags from the trunk.

Once she has walked into the building I let a few tears fall but quickly wipe them away, staying strong. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

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_So I guess that was just a filler chapter really, but it is important. That being said, the deep stuff will start in the next chapter. Although I already have the full Addison arch written, if there are any specifics you want including please review or message me and I will try my upmost to edit them in before posting._

_Thanks for reading! _


	19. Chapter 19

So this was a really difficult chapter to write because I care so much about these characters. I know in this universe I have changed some details but I wanted Addison to still be Addison, I didn't want to mess with her characteristics too much. Addison and Amelia's relationship on Private practice was one of my favourite reasons for watching. I wanted to show Addie's stubborn side, but also her caring side for her little sister. I'm hoping the way I did this chapter works and that you will approve of choices.

Trigger warnings: Detailed description of rape. Mentions of self harm and drug abuse.

* * *

**Amelia POV**

I was crazy to think that I would be able to talk about this. It is one thing to talk to my girlfriend, she has known things from day one, but Addie is different. I will always be her little sister. She was there when I was attacked and she didn't notice something was wrong. She will blame herself, and that's not something I can deal with. I don't want her to blame herself, she can't change it. This is my life, and these see my problems. I should be able to deal on my own. Arizona helps as much as she can, and I know that Anne wants me to talk to Addison incase anything happens between myself and Arizona, but I don't think that could ever happen. And if anything came between us, I don't think that's a world I'd want to live in. I pace back and forth in my bedroom, letting every worst case scenario run through my head. I cannot believe I've gotten myself into this position again, I am so stupid.

"Amelia, calm down. Hey, look at me." Arizona says calmly as she enters the room. She places her hands on my shoulders to still my movements. "You're okay, I promise."

"I can't do it Az, I can't talk to Addison about this. I was stupid to think-"

"Stop, right there. Nobody calls my amazing girlfriend stupid, not even my girlfriend herself. She is kind, caring, smart, and everything I could have ever asked for." Arizona lists as she pulls me in for a hug. "You're perfect Amelia, you're so, so strong, and brave. I know you are going to be okay."

"I don't feel strong and brave right now." I admit as I come to rest in her arms.

"I know."

I've never felt as anxious as I do now, knowing that Addison is on her way over. Arizona has so much faith in me, she believes that I can get through this, and I can't let her down, not after how much she has done for me. I make the most of every last second I can spend in Arizona's arms before I have to relive the memories all over again. I have thought about just giving her a brief explanation, telling her about the nightmares like I did with mer, but it doesn't seem right. I trust Addie, with all my life. One of the first things you learn about at AA is the importance of honesty. Lying, especially to those you love is one of those most common triggers of relapse. Sure you're not expected to tell the whole world about your problems, but trusting the people you're closest to is a huge focus. I know I definitely need to have a conversation with Addie today, and Anne said whatever I choose to say/not to say is up to me entirely, but I know that's not true. If I tell only a partial truth then it's just as bad as lying. I cannot afford a slip right now. I'm afraid that if the drugs start then I'll never recover. For the first time in my life, I'm in a good place. I don't want to do anything to compromise that.

I have opted for comfy clothes, baggy enough to hide my body. I want to be as comfortable as possible when I go through the difficult situations that I know will occur today. Whenever I talk about my life, whether it be struggles with mental health or my attack, I always feel overly self conscious. I found with Arizona that baggy clothing helped me feel safer, more contained. Just when I think the nerves could not grow any stronger, I hear the knock on the door. It's time.

* * *

Once Addie is inside, Arizona excuses herself. She makes sure to reassure me that she is only in the next room if I need her, which ultimately doesn't help my nerves but I appreciate the effort.

"Amelia, I'm freaking out just a little bit here, can you please tell me what is going on?" Addison begins once Arizona is no longer in the room.

"We will, just, before we start I have a few things to explain. I just, as hard as you think this is, it's going to be way harder for me, so I may need a little time. Just promise me, whatever I say in here stays between us okay?" I see Addison's face changes as she realises the severity of the discussion that will take place.

"Amelia, it's fine. I promise, just tell me what's going on." Addison pursues, and every muscle in my body is begging for me to run, to escape the pain but I don't. I tuck my legs up onto the chair and try to process where to start.

"I told you I started going to therapy." I begin, it's as good a place to start as any. "But I didn't really tell you why."

"You said you were going to stay sober."

"I am, I guess. But there is more to it. I've been struggling a lot and Arizona thought it would be helpful. Anne, the therapist is kind of the reason you're here. One of my pieces of homework was to talk to someone I trust except Az, she knows everything already but Anne said I should talk to somebody else too, incase anything happens between Arizona and I. Honestly, I don't see that happening, like at all, which means all of this is pointless but-"

"Amelia, I'm a little lost here."

"Sorry. I trust you. You're the only other person I can talk to about me and I don't want you to look at me any differently. I just want everything to stay the same. You're my sister."

"I don't care what you say, you're still going to be my sister. I'm just worried." Addie retorts, and I can see the sadness in her face but I know she is telling the truth.

"I just don't know how to talk about this stuff."

"You said Arizona knows. How did you talk to her?"

Addison raised a good point. I know the situation is different, but I managed to talk to Az. I think back to the first time she comforted me, truly comforted, and I find my answer. "I have nightmares, and panic attacks. Arizona somehow wound up witnessing both on the same day. It was unplanned, I didn't want it to happen, but it did."

"Amelia, you could have talked to me. How long has this been going on?"

"20." I state and she raises an eyebrow.

"20 months?"

"Years. 20 years." I admit quietly and Addison seems immediately alarmed.

"Why didn't you tell anybody?" She asks, it's a question I have come to wonder about across the years too. It's not like I liked struggling alone, it's just that talking about it made it real. I wasn't ready to deal with it, so I did drugs.

"I was scared. At first I hid my pain with the drugs, and then by the time I was clean it was harder to talk about. I pushed everyone away and found my own methods of coping. It wasn't healthy but it worked."

"Is that when the self harm started?" I feel like my heart skips a beat, the sudden realisation that one of my darkest secrets was already known, and it hadn't affected our relationship gives me comfort.

"Wait? You know about that? How? I was always so careful."

"I saw the scars. They looked old, so I didn't see the point in bringing it up. Plus you were already trying to push me away, I didn't want to give you another reason to do so." Addie explains and I search my brain for any situation where it would even be possible. I never have my legs on display, never.

"When?" I ask, wanting clarity on the situation.

"When you had your baby. The hospital gown rose up a little. I'm sorry I saw them."

"Don't be. I didn't even notice you saw them which is probably a good thing, I would have freaked." I admit.

"I just figured it was something you wouldn't ever talk about so I didn't bring it up." Addison reassures and I give a sad smile.

"It's been bad again recently. It's why I left LA, I needed a fresh start, there were too many memories. Arizona found out I'd been cutting and convinced me to go to therapy." I say, not fully realising the enormity of what I was admitting until after the words had been formed. "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I didn't want you to see me differently and to be honest it's not even the most messed up part of me and I was scared I would lose you, which seems stupid now because you already knew but still."

"Amelia, you're not going to lose me. Yes I knew about it in the past, but I didn't know it was still happening. I'm a little shocked but I'm glad you're getting help, and that you trust me enough to share." Addison says simply. Not showing any signs of judgement.

After a few silent moments, I see Addison's thoughts begin to reel. I seriously wish I could just be in Arizona's arms right now but I know I would break down. The tears would begin to flow and wouldn't stop for the rest of the day.

"What are you thinking?" I ask my sister, pulling my knees closer to to chest.

"What do you mean?" She replies, shrugging off the question.

"You forget how well I know you. I can see you thinking. You clearly have questions, just ask me, I'll try to answer."

"I was wondering why you didn't talk to anyone at first. From the scars I figured it started a long time ago, and you just said it had been 20 years, that makes you what? 16? You were still living with family and you had me and Derek and your mom. Why didn't you say anything?"

"It wasn't that simple. I had just gotten myself clean, people were already worried about me as it was. Without the drugs, it was how I dealt. It was my escape. If I told anybody they would have made me stop, and I wasn't ready to give it up."

"But you are now?"

"I don't know. But I'm going to try. It's a small step, and I have Sofia to think about, and I want to stop, so I'm going to try." I say slowly, only now starting to believe the words I am saying. At first I was going to therapy because it was what Arizona wanted, and I thought maybe it'd help me be more normal, but now I actually want to do it for me. My immediate response is to tell Arizona, this is a huge discovery.

I get up from the chair and Addison catches my arm.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just need a moment." I say as I leave the room, scurrying towards my bedroom. Arizona is sat on the bed, a medical journal on her lap and Netflix in the background. With my entrance she immediately pauses the tv show and makes space for me next to her.

"Amy, are you okay?" She asks looking slightly worried.

"Yeah, I realised that I wanted to get better for me. I've never thought that before. Everything I do is always for other people and now, I want to help me. I've never felt like this. I wanted to tell you first." I express, sudden excitement taking over my body. She opens her arms and I fall into them, accepting the embrace and holding myself close to her.

"I'm so proud of you." Arizona tells me, stroking my hair softly.

"Addison already knew about the cutting. She saw them when I had Christopher. I hadn't noticed they were visible and she just hadn't brought it up."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know. It made it easier to talk about because the initial shock wasn't there. It was still a shitty conversation but it wasn't as bad."

"That's good. And about your attack?"

"I haven't got that far yet. I'm still not sure how."

"I'm sure it'll be-" Arizona starts before getting interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Amelia, you okay?" Addie asks as the door opens slowly.

"Yeah. I told you I just needed a moment. I'm okay, I promise." I say, not moving from the comfortable position I am in against my girlfriends chest.

"Y'know, I don't think I've ever seen you this comfortable around another person. I like this look on you. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you think you're more comfortable with Arizona because she is a woman?"

"Amelia is bisexual Addison, I just happened to be here." Arizona replies for me, and I smile at get response.

"I am bi, but yeah I think it's because she is a woman." I follow up.

"Now I'm confused." Addison replies and I look to my girlfriend.

"Az, I know you said I should do this on my own, but now feels like the right time." I explain, hoping she will be okay with the situation and I get a nod of approval. I take a deep breath and hold onto Arizona like my life depends on it. This is it, this is the moment.

"Amelia, right time for what?"

"Addie I was raped."

I don't know how I expected Addie to react, but her face barely changes. It's like she hasn't heard what I said, my biggest admission has just gone straight over her head.

"Addie, please."

"I'm processing." She responds blankly, no emotion showing in her voice. Arizona has an arm wrapped around me and my tears threaten to fall.

"Addie please talk to me."

"How could you keep this from me?" Addison asks wiping below her eyes, removing tears from their welling.

"It wasn't just you. Nobody knew until Arizona heard one of my nightmares. I didn't know how to talk about it. I tried to tell Charlotte, but I just couldn't get it out." I try to explain but my emotions begin to overflow, creating a damp patch on my girlfriends shirt. She rubs small circles on my back, trying to comfort me as my sister leaves the room. I knew it was a bad idea, I should have just kept it to myself. Addison shouldn't have to deal with my problems, maybe inviting her here was a mistake, I'm not sure.

Addison should've been back by now and I start to get a bit worried. Just as I'm about to get up to check she is okay my phone buzzes showing a text from Addison.

Needed time to think. I'll be back in 30 mins. I love you.

"Are you okay?" Arizona asks me, not releasing her grip on my body.

"Not really."

"What can I do?"

"Don't leave me. Just stay, that's all I need"

"I can do that."

* * *

I take Arizona's hand and begin moulding it into shapes, the way I normally do when I have a panic account. Turns out this is a helpful preventative measure as well a useful coping mechanism.

"You want me to kick Addison's ass for you?" My girlfriend asks, trying to lighten the mood a little but I shake my head.

"No, she gets to be mad. I hid something huge from her, it's my fault."

"But that doesn't make it any easier. You're allowed to hurt too." She says softly, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"She should be back soon. You going to be okay?"

"I want to stay with you." I say to Arizona, looking her in the eyes to show I am serious. She nods her head, not arguing against my wish and holds me close as we both hear the door click shut.

**Arizona POV**

I hate seeing how much Amelia is hurting. I know Addison is her sister, and I understand she is in shock with this whole situation, but she had no right to walk out like that. I was the one left here to hold Amelia as she cried. Amelia showed Addison her most vulnerable secret, the least she could have done is show a little compassion. Just stay and listen, hear her out. I am so angry. I know she loves Amelia, and I know Amy looks up to her but walking out like that, it is possibly the worst response. Amelia deserves so much, and she is so strong, and I won't let anybody get in the way of that.

I climb out from behind my girlfriend, telling her I'll be back in a minute. I leave our bedroom, closing the door behind me and I see Addison in the hallway and I'm overcome with anger.

"What they hell were you thinking? Amelia just told you her deepest secret and you walked out. Do you realise how hurtful that is? She just spent the last half an hour crying in my arms, and still she thinks you didn't do anything wrong. She said it was her fault from keeping it from you, and that you get to have all your feelings. That's the kind of person she is, she will put everybody else ahead of herself, I love that about her but right now, I think she is being way too kind. So if you aren't totally on Amelia's side right now, you need to leave."

"Are you finished?" Addison asks and I give a slow nod, only now realising the potential repercussions of my rant. "Arizona, I think that you and Amelia are amazing together, I hope you know that. I know walking out earlier probably wasn't the most sensible thing to do, but I had my reasons, and I came back. I'm here for the long run. Amelia is my sister, through thick and thin, I'm not leaving her. If you give me just a few minutes to talk to her, I think you'll see that."

I am hesitant to accept but I hear a small cough and turn to see Amelia stood in the doorway of our room.

"Az it's fine, but you're staying here too."

Amelia walks towards me and puts her hand in my own and we head into the living room.

"Amelia I brought you something." Addison announces reaching into a bag I hadn't noticed into now. She passes Amelia what looks to be an old hoodie, it looks ancient, the original black dye now grey and the hems tatty and frayed.

"I haven't seen this thing in years. I'm surprised you still have it." Amelia says pulling it over her head, It's huge on her but it makes her smile. My girlfriend leans into my arms, keeping herself wrapped in the hoodie Addison had brought. "It used to be Derek's, he got this thing when he was like, 15 or something." Amelia begins to explain.

"We were dating and I may have stolen it. Whenever I was feeling sad I would wear it, and it made me feel better. As we got older, I spent more time babysitting Amelia, and whenever she was sad, I would let her borrow it. I never travel far without it, and I had a feeling you would need it from what you said in the phone."

"Thanks. It uh, it does help." Amelia says solemnly, and I'm still not convinced she is totally okay.

"I also bought cookie dough Ben and Jerry's, and a box of tissues. I really didn't mean to hurt you by leaving. I just, I needed time to process, and cry so I could come back and be strong for you. I'm ready to hear whatever you have to say, I'm not going to walk out, I promise." Addison says to Amelia, and for the first time I see the loving sister bond that my girlfriend had told me so much about. Watching the interaction make my heart swell a little, a warm fuzzy feeling taking over my body. I love her so much.

"Az, I actually don't think I need you here… If that's okay."

"Of course. I'm proud of you."

I place my hands on Amelia's cheeks, cupping her face and plant a light kiss on her forehead. "I love you, I'm going to be in our bedroom if you need anything okay?"

"I love you too. Thank you Arizona."

* * *

I get up from the couch once Arizona has left and head through to the kitchen, coming back with two spoons.

"You said you had ice cream?" I ask sitting down next to my sister. She reaches into her bag to get the carton of ice cream, opening the cap and passing me the desert. She places an arm over my shoulder, pulling me into her side and I lean into her embrace. I don't feel as relaxed as I do with Arizona, but I know that I am safe. It's a different type of comfort.

"I guess I owe you an explanation huh." I offer between spoonfuls.

"You don't owe me anything Amelia." Addison says kindly but I shake my head.

"I invited you here to tell you about it, so yeah, I do. I guess I'll start at the beginning and erm, you can tell me if you want to stop, or if you have any questions, I'll try to answer." I feel Addison take a deep breath beside me and I turn for a moment to look at her." Before I start, I have a history of panic attacks, and they get pretty bad so erm, if it happens, could you just get Arizona? It's not that I don't trust you, I do but she just knows how to help in the moment I guess."

"Of course."

My thoughts run back to the night it all started and I feel tears well in my eyes but I push them back. I need to stay strong.

"I was 16, it was just before summer and there was a huge party. I decided to go even though I hated all those people, I wanted to show that their words didn't hurt even though they really did. I just wanted to fit in for one night so I got dressed up, stole Nancy's make up and I went to the party. I hadn't been there too long when somebody gave me a drink, some off brand cola or something and I thought nothing of it at first, not until I started feeling dizzy and nauseous. I tried calling Derek but he didn't answer so I decided to walk home. By the time I realised the drink was spiked, it was too late. Some guy grabbed me by the arm halfway home and I tried to run but I was too dizzy, I couldn't work out how to move my legs. The next thing I know I'm pinned down in a dark alley behind a library. I uh, I don't know how much detail I should go into here?" I pause to look at Addison who is clearly fighting back tears.

"I'm sorry, I said I would be strong for you. You can tell me whatever you want. I'm not leaving." She says wiping the tears that have been welling up, preventing them from falling. I grab the box of tissues that she had bought and pass one over.

"You're allowed to have feelings. I know you're trying to be strong but that doesn't mean you can't get upset. A shitty thing happened. I get it."

"Yeah, but it's worse for you. I'm just glad you feel safe enough to share this stuff. So if you want to get into the details, that's up to you, if not, I understand that too."

"Okay, I guess. I tried to fight, I kept trying but he wouldn't let me go. I tried begging him not to hurt me but that didn't work either. At first he just grabbed a lot, tearing my clothes and stuff. He tried to kiss me but I didn't let him, he gave up and moved his mouth down my neck where I couldn't stop him. I was wearing a skirt which made it easier for him and he uh, he had a knife, he used it to remove my panties. I was terrified, I thought he was going to rape me there and then and my muscles were getting tired. He used his fingers first, I'd never been in that situation and there was a lot of blood. That's when I started screaming but he shoved something in my mouth to make me shut up. When I wouldn't stop moving he taped my hands together so he could hold them down with just one arm and he pushed himself into me. I wouldn't stop crying so he held the knife to my throat with his other hand and told me if I didn't stop he would kill me. I think I passed out after that, I'm kinda glad I did. The last thing I remember is him calling me a good girl." I admit and I suddenly feel sick at the thought of his voice. I run to the bathroom and Addison is close behind me, stroking my hair out of my face while I empty the ice cream from my stomach. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's not your fault." She replies kindly, passing me some tissue to wipe around my mouth. "You want a glass of water?"

"Can we just wait here a minute?"

"Sure" I shuffle my body towards the wall, sitting back with Addison beside me.

I feel like crap. I'm a mess both physically and emotionally but I haven't had a panic attack which I guess is a plus. Addison has stayed by my side, letting me rest my head on her shoulder.

"I saw the drawing in your bedroom. It's yours right?" Addison brings up, totally changing the topic.

"I drew it for Sofia to color in. How'd you know?"

"I'd notice your style from a mile away. I remember a time I'd be the first person you would show your drawings to. I didn't realise you kept it up."

"I don't really. I mean I do, but not publicly, it's how I process." I explain simply, not getting into the details.

"It's good. For what it's worth I'm glad you didn't give it up, your art it amazing, even if nobody gets to see it." Addison says, no pressure being put on me to show her any of my work, just an understanding. It doesn't bother me having her see the drawing like it did with Arizona. Maybe I'm getting better, or maybe it's because she already knew I could draw. Either way I'm glad.

"We should probably get up from the floor." I say with a shrug causing Addison to let out a small laugh.

"That sounds good."

On the way back to the living room I get myself a glass of water before joining Addison on the couch.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I can't begin to think what you went through."

"And I never want you to. I just needed you to know. But I'm not finished, there is more to the story."

"Okay." Addie responds, sounding a little shocked that there is more but awaiting the conversations return.

"Can I have your hand?" I ask, not realising how strange the request would sound to somebody who isn't Arizona or myself. Addison gives me a questioning gaze but moves her hand towards me.

"It's a thing I do, it helps keep my hands busy, stops the cravings a little. I'm sorry if it's weird." I explain and I begin to mould her hand, just like I would with Arizona.

"It's not that weird. You used to do this when you were little, after your dad died. Not for long, maybe for about 6 months after his death you would do this all day with me and Derek."

"I don't remember that, but it does help."

"You said it stops the cravings? For drugs?"

I shake my head, not wanting to lie to her but not enjoying the situation either. "No, I meant the other cravings." I say as I glance to my legs. It takes Addison a moment to realise what I was referring to and she immediately looks guilty for bringing up the topic. "It's okay. You didn't know."

"Still, I'm sorry."

"Can we just make a deal to stop apologising please? It makes me feel weird. We can't control each others thoughts and emotions." I say and she nods.

"No more apologies, got it."

"When I woke up he was gone, it was only then that I realised the true extent of what had happened. I rushed home so I could shower and look somewhat normal when my mom woke up. It worked for the most part, she asked why I was limping and I said I twisted my ankle. She didn't ask any follow ups so I guess she believed me. You actually offered me a ride to school that morning but I said no, that I would walk, and instead of going to school I went to the hospital. I got treated anonymously, and paid using my college savings. They wanted to do a rape kit but I said no, I didn't intend on taking it to court. I just wanted to get checked out and go home. I had quite a few stitches, it was awful and I got x-rays done. My ankle was fine, just a sprain but I had several broken ribs. The doctor said there was no evidence of fluids so he most likely used a condom so no use for morning after pill or HIV preventatives. He just wrote a prescription for painkillers." Addison looks at me knowingly and I nod my head. "Yeah, that was my first time with the oxy. I guess you know the story after that."

"Yeah. I do. So you didn't tell anyone else?"

"Just the doctors, then Arizona, and now you."

"Why?" Addison asks sadly.

"My mom worked two jobs just to afford food, I didn't want to give her anything else to worry about. And I couldn't tell Derek, he would have killed the guy, and I needed him, he kept me sane. I realised the drugs helped me forget and one thing lead to another and then it was too late. By the time I got clean I figured that cutting had a similar effect, and it was easier to hide. As time went on it just became harder to talk about."

"I love you, y'know that right?" Addison says pulling me in for a hug.

"I know. I love you too."

* * *

I know this was a deep chapter so if you need to talk I'm here :)

Also I uploaded a mini amezona one shot the other day so give it a read if you're interested. It's called 'The Past Hurts'.

Reviews always appreciated!


	20. Chapter 20

Sorry I've been super busy but I remembered to post another chapter so enjoy!

* * *

**Amelia POV**

I can tell Addison has a lot of questions, and I don't blame her. I would have lots of questions too if the roles were reversed, but the anticipation is what is killing me. I sat in silence in her arms for so long and nothing. Not a single word so I excused myself and went to the bathroom, where I have been sitting for a little so long staring at my blade, debating whether or not to use it. After several moments of contemplating I drag the blade across my skin, pressing hard enough to cut but lightly enough to not make significant damage. I repeat the action several times until I have four horizontal lines across my thigh. I feel guilty about what I have just done, but it worked. I feel suddenly calmer so I sit back and just let myselfbe free for a few minutes.

"Amelia, you okay in there?" I hear Arizona asking from outside the door. "Addison got worried when you didn't come back."

I wipe my tears away and grab the dressings from the container that was holding my blade.

"I'm okay. I'll be out in a minute." I announce, carefully wiping down the wounds and placing the dressing over them all. I wash my hands, removing any evidence of blood from my skin and put on a neutral face to open the door. When I do, I see Arizona holding her arms out for a hug. I can see in her eyes that she knows what I have done but she doesn't judge, she just comforts.

"Do they need checking?" she whispers as she holds my body close, making sure to be discreet because of Addison's presence.

"Not right now. Can you stay?" I ask Arizona and she nods.

"Whatever you need."

We make our way back to the couch and I grip Arizona's hand like my life depends on it. She grabs the blanket that we keep in the room and opens it up to wrap it around me, making me feel secure and warm. Before I even realise what's happening, tears are running down my cheeks. Arizona grabs a tissue from the box and carefully wipes under my eyes, wordlessly letting me know its okay.

"I'm sorry." I say to Arizona, not realising Addison had come to sit by us as well.

"I thought we made a deal, no more apologies." Addison says and a small smile escapes me.

"Still, I was stupid."

"You're not stupid Amelia. Not in any form of the word." Addison says, reaching her hand out to comfort me but I flinch at the contact.

Although I know I'm totally safe right now, I can't help but feel panic over taking my body. Addison has stepped back and Arizona is holding me.

"Amelia, look at me, look at my eyes." My girlfriend instructs, and I try to follow her instructions through my irregular breaths. "Keep looking at me, we're going to take some deep breaths together, nice and slow. You've got it, well done."

I feel weak and exposed, I hate showing people this side of me, Addison is no exception. I feel so dumb allowing her to see this, but I see no point in fighting it. Arizona continues to help me calm down and my tears have slowed, now just a steady stream.

When I have calmed down enough to talk I reach out and take Arizona's hand in my own.

"Addie, I uh, I know you have questions but I really need a meeting right now." I say quietly.

"Come on, let get those shoes on and I'll take you. Is it the one near the hospital or the one at the church near the pizza shop?"

"Hospital one." I inform my girlfriend and she nods. As I'm getting ready I notice Addison doesn't quite know what to do with herself.

"You can come too, it's okay."

* * *

Arizona POV

We drop Amelia off at her meeting and I can tell Addison is upset.

"I'm sorry I got upset with you earlier, Amelia was hurt and I just wanted to protect her. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions." I offer, trying to comfort the older woman who at this point I barely know. I mean, I know she is a kick ass surgeon, I've read about her, I've even seen her work a few cases, but more importantly, Amelia loves her. If Amelia trusts this woman, then I have to too.

"No, you were right. I shouldn't have left, I could have taken her with me, or talked it out a little first. I just needed time to breathe, time to cry." Addison reasons. "Y'know, I didn't know that much about you when we met. Sure Callie told me some stuff, but you just kindof existed. It's only now, seeing you with Amelia that I can see how amazing you are. I'm so glad she has you." Addison tells me, and my heart breaks. I just want to cry.

"I could say the same about you. I mean, Callie didn't say much about you, but I'd heard things. Amelia is lucky to have you too. Don't forget that. And we are lucky to have her."

We decide to go to the hospital for a bit, let Addison say hello to some old familiar faces. Although it's been over 10 years, there are still plenty of people who remember her. As we are walking into the hospital my phone starts to vibrate in my pocket. My immediate thought is it's Amelia, so I'm surprised to see Alex's name flash up on the screen. When I answer I realise there is an emergency in the ER, I'm not on call and he is calling for support so it must be bad. We hurry to get there and Alex is overjoyed to see Addison.

"I have never been happier to see both of your faces. We have a Mom and we can't stop her contractions. The baby is in total breech and has a problematic nuchal cord that we can't seem to fix and the Mom keeps flatlining. We need to get the baby out now." Alex says to Addison and I and we both jump straight in to try and help. Addison says she has don't multiple procedures like this, running through all the steps making sure I understand what's going to happen. Although I have worked with many pregnant women, and seem my fair share of complications in child birth, I'm normally there for the child, a preexisting condition. Mothers are Addison specialty, not mine. When I say I understand she steps back.

"Addison, what are you doing? We need to do this now."

"One of us needs to go get Amelia. Considered I am not legally a surgeon here I'm going to have to leave. You've got this, I've done the hard part, and you've got Karev. I'll get Amelia, call me when you're done." Addison says, making her way out of the hospital. As much as I want to be annoyed with her for leaving me with this procedure, she put Amelia first, and that deserves respect.

The procedure goes as well as possible considering the circumstances. The mother is in a coma and the baby in the NICU but they're both alive. It's only after I've finished that I realise I don't have Addison's number to call her. "Why you looking glum Robbins? We did good." Alex says heading towards me in the attendings lounge.

"I was supposed to call Addison when I finished, she took the car to pick Amelia up and now I realised I don't have her number, and Amelia isn't answering her phone.

"Here, I have her number." Alex says, passing me his phone.

"You're a lifesaver Alex. But why do you have her number?"I wonder out loud.

"She was my mentor before you… And we had sex, really good sex actually."

"Forget it. I shouldn't have asked." I reply sarcastically with a roll of my eyes. I send Addison a text saying I'll get a cab home and give Alex his phone back. "No more calling me in for emergencies. I'm off this weekend Karev." I say as I leave him stood in the hallway.

Amelia POV

When I get out of the meeting I see only Addison sat in Arizona's car, in the driving seat suggesting something strange is going on.

"What did you do to my girlfriend?" I ask as I climb into the passenger side door.

"There was an emergency at the hospital, Alex needed one of us to stay so I said I would come get you on my own. She shouldn't be too long but we can head back to your apartment." Addison explains turning the car on.

"You turned down a chance to operate for me? That is so not like you."

"Amelia I would give up being a doctor entirely if I thought it would help you." Addie explains, placing her hand softly on my shoulder.

"I know. Fortunately for you I don't think that would help either of us."

When we arrive back at the apartment there is an unusual silence. I place my bags down and wrap my arms around Addison.

"Thank you for being here. It really does mean a lot. I needed this." I tell Addison and she carefully hugs back, not wanting to make me feel uncomfortable.

"I'm worried about you." She states simply and I nod. I know she is, it's a part of the reason I took this long to tell her, I didn't want her to worry.

"I know. I also know you have questions. You can ask, I won't break, I mean I might, but I know you're here to help."

"But Arizona isn't here. What if you have a panic attack? I don't want to make you more upset."

"You won't. I promise. I'll be okay."

I grab the blanket and move to sit next to my sister. I lay down on the couch, resting my head on her leg and keeping the blanket wrapped around me.

"Is this okay?" I ask, making sure she is comfortable with the position. I chose to lay like this as a way of avoiding eye contact, but still feeling safe by her side. I used to lie like this a lot with Arizona when we talked.

"If you're comfortable, then it's perfect. Can I put my hand on your arm?" Addie asks me and I take her hand in my own, placing it on my upper arm, wordlessly letting her know its okay. "Did you go to the police?" She asks and I shake my head. "You still could you know." She adds.

"There's no point. Statute of limitations means he can't be put away even if they found him. Plus there's no evidence, so we have nothing."

"But what if he is already in jail? You could feel safe if you found out."

"I'm pretty sure I'd still be a mess even if he was in prison. And it'd just bring up too many memories, it's bad enough as it is."

"Okay. That's fine. Are the nightmares about him?"

"Most of the time. Every now and then it changes to Ryan, or Christopher, but most of the time." I answer, trying to be as honest as possible.

"How often do you have them?"

"Every night. But some days are worse than others."

"Did you have them every night that we lived together?"

"Yeah. They weren't too bad though, not until after Christopher. Then things got really bad again."

"I didn't know. I just think about you, alone in the house and I wish I'd just have known." Addison says from behind me.

"I didn't want you to. I was scared you would make go to therapy, and they would make me stop. I wasn't ready."

"Stop?"

"Cutting. I'm still not entirely ready, but I'm trying now." I explain, hoping it'll give her a little hope.

"When was the last time you, y'know?"

"This afternoon, but I'm okay. Arizona know's, don't worry. It's why I wouldn't let you touch me earlier, you didn't do anything wrong." I say and I feel my sister take a shuddering breath behind me.

"Was it my fault?"

"No. It was his. Everything is his fault, not mine or yours. It took a long time for me to realise that, but it's true."

We go through as many questions as Addison can think to ask regarding my attack and my mental health. I hate talking about it all, but I'm glad she knows. The topics gradually got lighter as it darker outside. We turn the tv on for some quiet background noise and just as I think the conversation is over for the night Addison breaks the silence.

"Did you really know you were interested in women all this time?"

"Yeah. I was just never in a situation where I felt the need to tell everybody. Derek knew, I'm surprised he didn't tell you to be honest."

"How did you keep all this from your boyfriends? It must've been hard."

"I didn't really date that much. I mean, when I was at college I pretty much kept to myself. I'm not saying I didn't sleep with a few people, I did. I wanted to get over the fear but turns out it only made it worse. I just gave up on dating, focused on my career. Then with Ryan, we were both high, or drunk, or both. So honestly I don't remember much of it."

"And James?"

"I was a mess. The first time we tried to have sex, I thought I was ready. I even got a bunch of condoms from Charlotte to be prepared, only I had a panic attack before he even removed my dress and I locked him out of my room."

"What happened?"

"He was still there the next morning. I gave up and let him sleep with me. I really liked him, he was a nice guy, but he wanted a normal relationship. He wanted regular sex, and marriage and kids. I just couldn't cope. I ended up getting far too stressed out and the cutting started again, and I couldn't let him see that. I ran away, like I always do."

"I'm sorry. We pushed you two together, all of us at the practice. I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"You couldn't have known. It's not your fault."

Not too much later Arizona arrived back at the apartment. She looks exhausted so I move my legs, creating space for her to come sit with us. I see her trying to make herself comfortable but wincing a little in pain.

"Take it off, Addie won't mind." I say referring to her prosthetic. She looks at me, unsure how to proceed so I untuck the blanket from around me, using it to cover her legs as well as my own. "See, nobody will even know." I elaborate giving a soft smile. Arizona is always there for me in my darkest times, supporting me when I need it and I feel it's only right to offer the same amount of support back. It's unusual to see her so self conscious, when we started dating she was pretty open with me about such things and never really bothered caring about using her crutches but I guess I don't really see her with other adults around in the home. She reluctantly removes her leg and I wrap my arm around her, bringing her in to join me.

"Are you okay?" Arizona asks after a few moments.

"Yeah, I'm better than earlier. Still not amazing but I'm okay, probably won't sleep much tonight though."

"Yeah, I know. Sofia is having a sleepover with Zola so we are free to just sit here and cry if you need."

"I think I've cried enough today, don't think I have enough tears for that."

"I'm glad. Didn't really feel like crying anyway." I say as I rest with my girlfriend in my arms. For the first time in the last 2 nights, I actually feel relaxed. I know today definitely hasn't been one of my best days, but I'm calm, and I'm happy. Today, that is enough.

* * *

How are you feeling about Addison in this story? She isn't here permanently, but she does have a few more chapters so it'd be good to know if there is anything you really like or want changes etc. Let me know in reviews or DM me - whatever is best for youuuuu.


	21. Chapter 21

**Amelia POV**

A sudden burst of noise flashes through the air and onto my ears waking me from the semi peaceful slumber I had eventually entered. My heart is racing, the adrenaline flows through my veins preparing for me to run but I can't seem to move my legs. I roll to the edge of the bed and slide myself down to sit on the floor trying to control my breathing. Logically I know that the sound was just a firework, probably being set of by stupid teenagers but everytime my body responds just like it did when my dad was killed. The noise is remarkably similar, it's terrifying. I try to think back to the day Derek helped me set off fireworks to help me stop being scared of the noise. It worked for the most part, I'm normally fine when it's new years or thanksgiving because I'm prepared for the noise, but when it's unexpected I have no control. My body is still shaking. "Don't be scared Amy, you know what this is." I mumble to myself. "You heard a noise your brain has been conditioned to be scared of. This triggered the activation of your limbic system, your Amygdala is overactivated, it's sending a message to your adrenal glands and medulla oblongata to release adrenaline toward the adreno receptors in your sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system causes autonomic responses and as a result causes the following changes: increased heart rate, increase blood flow to muscles, increased breathing rate. Your body is preparing for fight or flight but you can override it." I tell myself, drawing the words from deep within my memory. "Count upwards in 13s: 13, 26, 39, 52, 65, 78, 91, 104, 117, 130." I say quietly out loud, feeling my body become calmer by the second, gradually coming back to reality.

"Amelia, you okay?" I hear Arizona ask and I nod my head, not taking in order to keep my breathing regulated until I'm completely calm. "Can I join you?" she continues and I nod again.

"Sorry I woke you. I'm okay now, I promise." I reply when I'm finally confident the panic has subsided.

"What happened?"

"Some idiots set off fireworks, I just wasn't ready, it was unexpected." Arizona looks at me awaiting a further explanation. "Did you know how similar fireworks sound to a gunshot?" I ramble and I see Arizona realise the connection I had drawn. "After my dad was killed I was terrified of them. Derek helped me set a load off in our yard, the idea was that I could get used to them, not be scared anymore."

"And it didn't work?"Arizona presumes.

"No, it did, most of the time I'm fine, its just when I don't expect them coming."

"You handled it really well, I'm proud of you. How come you've never done that before?"

"Derek taught me. Years passed and every now and then this would happen. He taught me what was happening in my body so I knew I shouldn't be scared of it. Now I know it all myself anyway, in way more detail than that but I always repeat it just like Derek did. It works better."

"Have you tried doing that after a nightmare?" My girlfriend asks me and I nod.

"Doesn't work. I think it's because I know logically a firework isn't a gunshot, but the nightmares, that actually happened. And the brain systems are different, it doesn't make sense. I don't know, it's probably stupid but it doesn't work." I try to explain, my words stumbling out.

"Amelia, you are a kick ass neurosurgeon, I'm pretty sure you know what happens with brain mechanisms during a nightmare, and if you don't, you could find out pretty easily. We could make another one of those things, I don't know what to call it."

"You're going to laugh if I tell you."

"What?"

"The name of the 'thing' as you referred to it as, just remember that I was only young when Derek made this up." I say, fighting my cause before coming clean. "The Amy Brain Train. Because the train has to stop off at all the brain areas." I explain and a big grin appears on Arizona's face, I can see her trying to fight back the laughter. "I know it's stupid, I should think of something better." I converse and Arizona shakes her head.

"Don't you dare change the name of the Amy Brain Train. It's cringy, and cheesy and it's perfect. I think the Brain train just needs some new tracks so it can go to the other areas too." Arizona reasons and I feel myself blushing. I'm not sure why talking about this embarrasses me so much, it's a much better solution than cutting, sure it seems kind of childish but it works. I know Arizona is only trying to help, and it's cute that she thinks of these things that could help me, but I'm not sure it's something I want to try. I know it would be easy, I have the knowledge to do it, but it's not the same. The main reason this works so well is that it's

Derek's voice, it's his words coming through me. I don't think it would work the same without his input. Maybe I'm just overthinking this, but it feels wrong.

"I don't know, maybe." I respond, dropping the topic for the night. Arizona clearly understands my wanting to change the topic.

I make my way back up to sit on the bed, taking a sip of water from the bottle on my bedside table.

"I love you y'know, so much." I tell Arizona as I climb back under the blankets, feeling a little self conscious about the dressings on my legs being on display.

"I know. I love you too, just incase you forgot." Arizona jokes with a slight grin on her tired face.

"It's weird how easy it's become for me to say that. I love you. 4 months ago the thought of even saying that aloud terrified me to the point of having panic attacks in hospital storage cupboards, and now it's like I'm a totally different person."

"Are you okay with that? I mean I know you love me, but things have changed pretty quickly."

"Yeah, it's scary. Sometimes I miss being able to hold all my emotions in, lying to myself was easier than facing my problems. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I have you now, and it is harder sometimes, but it's worth it." I reassure, not wanting Arizona to think I didn't treasure our relationship, because I do, possibly more than anything else in the world.

"For what it's worth, I know it's been tough, but you actually seem happier now you've started being honest with yourself."

"You're biased, you make me happy so you see more happy times than other people."

"But I also see more sad, and that's okay. It's not really what I meant. Before we got together, and even for a bit after, whenever I saw you around the hospital you were on your own, or just not really engaging in conversations. Now I see you smiling as you walk around the hospital, even when you don't realise I'm there. You just smile more often, even if you don't realise it."

"After Callie and I broke up, I became more aware of the people around me, I spent time watching and learning about people, trying to figure out who I was without her. I noticed that you always seemed to be zoned out, hiding from the world. Sure you put on a smile for patients but on your own, you just looked sad. The only exception was when you're in an OR. Whenever you are operating you go to a different place, a happier place. It's almost like you're a different person, it's inspiring. Your whole face lights up, and it's like somebody has lit the light inside you, you're suddenly confident and everything you do developed a meaning. I used to watch your surgeries whenever I had spare time, or during my lunch breaks. I think that's when I developed feelings for you, but you hardly noticed I existed, so I just let it be."

"If I didn't love you, and know how kind and caring your are, I would definitely have put a restraining order out by now. That's creepy, but also kinda cute. I never realised how big the difference was. I guess it makes sense, surgery is my happy place, but I didn't realise everybody else could see that too. "

"I don't know if they did, it wasn't that obvious, but I did, I noticed."

Curled back up in bed with my girlfriends arms wrapped around me, I break the silence.

"Az, I've been thinking, with tomorrow being a stressful day, and anticipating the emotions, I was thinking we could go to the zoo again? Take Addie and Sof? I'm hoping it'll help distract me. I don't have any secret giraffe feeding activities planned but it still seems like a good distraction. At least it's the best I could come up with."

"Sure, if you're feeling up to it. Let's just wait until tomorrow morning before we tell Sof, just incase you change your mind okay? A quiet day is still on the table." Arizona explains and I can see the sincerity in her eyes.

"Yeah, okay…" I start but my words trails to an end, I'm unable to finish my sentences.

"You want to stay awake for a bit?" She offers and I nod my head, grateful that she can read my thoughts but slightly frustrated with myself for keeping her awake when she is clearly tired.

"I'll be okay y'know, if you go back to sleep. I'm not going to do anything stupid." I ensure, secretly hoping that she will stay up with me but knowing I have to give her the choice.

"I know. Its okay, I'm not going back to sleep until you're ready to okay? We don't have much on tomorrow, so it'll probably just be a chill day and then we can work Saturday out when we get there." Arizona explains and we just lay quietly, enjoying each others company.

* * *

"Arizona, are you still awake?" I ask a small while later and I feel her shift her body behind me.

"Yeah. What's up?"

"I need to tell you about what happens." I say quietly, getting ready for the memories to come back.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know why, like I know it's just another day, but on the anniversary, everything somehow feels more real, and I can't predict how I'm going to respond"

"That's okay, I don't expect anything from you."

"I know, I just- I'm normally really jumpy, and definitely no good with contact. Everyone's hands turn into his and I might freak out, I probably will freak out. I know the cravings are going to be bad, and I know I might turn into a bit of a bitch, but I need you to promise you won't leave me. I'm trying my best to plan in advance, but I know I can't control all the feelings. I just need you to stay, I don't trust myself okay, and I don't want to hurt you."

"I won't leave. I promise. Everything will be okay. Can I be honest with you?"

"Are you always?"

"You know what I meant. Just, I think you should give Addison a bit of warning, or I can if you're not feeling up to it. Just, if you're going to be as jumpy as you say, giving her a warning is the right thing to do."

"I know, I'm just not sure how."

"You don't have to worry about it right now. It's just something to be considering."

I nod my head briefly shifting my body closer to my girlfriends, resting my head in the crook of her neck.

"I'm sorry for being such a mess."

"You're perfect Amelia, a mess or not. Your my mess and I'm so proud of you and I love you so much." Arizona tells me before being interrupted by a yawn. I place an arm around her waist to keep her close as I feel tears welling up in my eyes.

"I love you too. Let's get some sleep, you're tired." I suggest and she doesn't even try to fight. I know I'm going to be up for a while longer, but I feel safe in her arms, whether she is awake or asleep. Her body was obviously in need of rest so I lay awake, safe and secure in her embrace.

"Thank you Zona." I whisper once she is asleep.

* * *

"Three, two, one, go!" Sofia yells, clicking the start button on the stopwatch. I'm not sure how we got here but Addison, Arizona and myself are suturing oranges back together, just like how we learned in med school. Sure the type of fruit would vary, sometimes a peach, sometimes a grape or an unripe banana, but it's the same idea. Sofia is the judge of both the speed and accuracy, the winner will have final word on tonight's dinner options and gets bragging rights for the evening. Suturing has always been my strong suit, when I was at Hopkins, the head of plastic surgery actually wanted me to specialise with her, but neuro was my calling. Despite specialising in neuro, my sutures have always been A standard and I'll be damned if that changes today. I keep my hands steady and my stitches aligned, working through them one by one.

"Stop!" Sofia shouts when the two minutes up and we all drop the fruit, carefully removing the needle so they're safe for Sofia to handle.

As soon as the task is done, laughter fills the room.

"I haven't done that since before Hopkins, but I've got to say, I've still got it." I announce with a confident shrug of the shoulders but Arizona's laughing stops.

"Wait you went to Hopkins?"

"Yeah… why? Is that really so surprising?" I ask, not sure what is going on.

"I did my residency at Hopkins. I can't believe I didn't know who you were before now? I mean I know I'm older than you but we should have still had a year where we overlapped right?" Arizona rambles, questioning her memories of a past time.

"We probably did, but Hopkins is a big hospital, you surely couldn't have remembered everybody, plus I just stayed out of the way, did my own thing. It's not that surprising, I'm just me." I state, trying to make her feel a little less selfish in this situation. Sure I knew who she was, but we never actually spoke so it shouldn't matter.

"Amelia, this may come as a surprise, but I was basically the hospital…" Arizona begins but then looks to Sofia realising she can't finish her sentence. "I had lots of lady friends, and you're like, super pretty so yeah, it's surprising that I didn't notice you." My girlfriend continues her rambling barely looking away from me as she speaks.

"Seriously, that's why you're so concerned. I was nothing back then, like most interns and first year residents. Anyways, if you knew who I was this wouldn't be as special now right?" I say as I reach out my hand for her to hold.

"Mom, stop crying, It's time to judge the oranges!"

"She's right babe. Stop getting all soppy, I'm about to beat you in this competition and I can't rub it in if you're sad." I joke which gets a smug smile.

"Hmm, I think I did some pretty good stitches though" Arizona retorts and then I hear a cough from behind me and turn to look at Addison.

"Well, I have the most experience with my extra years practicing so I think I may have a bigger chance than any of you. Judge, what do you think?" Addie asks Sofia and we all turn to await judgement. She studied each piece of fruit meticulously, taking everything into consideration before making her decision.

"Melia Wins! She did snazzy stitches and they're a perfect line."

"Hmm, nobody said we could use snazzy stitches, I think that's cheating." Arizona responds.

"I think I win anyway, because I taught Amelia how to do Mattress sutures. I deserve credit." Addie argues.

"If I remember correctly, you tried to teach me but your mattress sutures were terrible so Mark took over." I reply sarcastically.

"I still think I win."

"Nope. Melia wins." Sofia reinforces and in grin, pulling her in for a hug. "Did my dad really teach you how to do that?"

"Yep. If your dad was here, he would definitely have won, he was the best at these. I have an idea, as your reward for choosing me, how about we choose food together. What do you think little miss?" I ask Sofia which gets a big grin. "Do we want take out, home cooked or go to a restaurant?"

"Can we go out? She asks with big eyes, excited at the sudden change of plans."

"Sure monkey, what type of food do you want? But no pizza, we had that a few days ago."

"Can we go the place near the swimming pool that has all the foods?" She asks and I look to Arizona for guidance.

"It's a continental buffet, it has bits of everything, we haven't been there in a few years but it used to be good." Arizona clarifies.

"Sounds good then. We still have a few hours before that though right?"

"Yeah. I was actually thinking of going to get some groceries, you want me to take Sof?"

"Sure. Could you get more tampons while you're out please? I'm running low."

Got it. Sof baby, let's go to the store okay?"

With Arizona and Sofia gone, I take my chance in telling Addison about tomorrow. I take a few deep breaths before moving to sit down by her side.

"What are you thinking about?"

"So erm, I'm going to tell you something, and we aren't going to make a deal out of it, and we aren't going to cry or be in shock or anything like that okay? " I state knowing it's going to be tough but if I can just say the words and not dwell on it, hopefully it won't be too bad.

"Okay. What's going on Amelia?"

"So tomorrow is the anniversary of my attack and I know logically it's just another day but for some reason I get real jumpy and just over emotional on the anniversary. I'm hoping this year will be different because I have people around me and I've always had this day alone before but I honestly don't know so if you could just give me notice if you're going to touch me because I don't want to freak out and upset you, or Sofia. And I've asked Arizona not to leave me alone but I know with Sofia and stuff she can't be there every second so if you could just be there just incase I would really appreciate it. I really hope this year is going to be different but I just don't know and that scares me."

"I'm sorry. I said I wouldn't cry." Addie says wiping a few tears from her eyes before they manage to fall. "I'm just so proud of you is all."

"Proud about what?" I question with a grimace, cringing at her face.

"You have always struggled to ask for help, but you just did it. You asked for help and I'm so proud. Can I have a hug now?" Addison asks opening up her arms for me to fall into.

"Y'know, opening up hurts, but I feel more like me than I've ever felt. Sure, I'm an emotional mess, but at least I'm me. I don't have to live a lie anymore." I admit with a sad smile.

"And I love the real you, I don't ever want you to change okay? Promise me you'll never change."

"I'll try."


	22. Chapter 22

So this is basically a chapter full of smut, I give you fair warning.

Enjoy

* * *

**Arizona POV**

I'm scared to go to sleep, not for myself, but for Amelia. She was so strong in opening up to me, and she told me today was going to be hard, and I know I've seen her in tough situations before but she never felt the need to truly warn me about an event. As such, I am sat here, refusing to close my eyes to be here for her. She is sitting with a sketchbook on her lap and a pencil in her hand, just quietly drawing. I have a book open but I keep reading the same line over and over, flicking towards her in between to make sure she is okay.

"That book isn't going to read itself, you know that right?"

"Hm what?" I flick my head up to look at her properly.

"You have been on the same page for the last 20 minutes, and the book is upside down. You okay?" She asks with a small laugh, putting her pencil down and placing a hand on my leg.

"Yeah, I'm just distracted, you're very distracting"

"In a sexy or worried way? Amelia asks raising an eyebrow with a smug smirk.

"I don't know. Both? I mean I would love nothing more than to remove all your clothes right now but I am worried about you. I just wish I could take your pain away."

"Orgasms are pretty good pain relief, I wouldn't be opposed if you, a doctor wanted to prescribe one."

"I would love that, really I would, but I don't want to cause a nightmare. I know tomorrow is going to be tough and I don't want to make anything worse." I explain honestly.

"You're not going to. Really, I'm fine right now and I'll tell you the moment I'm not. I had a nice day, and normally that is something to celebrate. So what do you say Robbins? You up for some celebration sex?"

"I'm sure I could make that happen. You sure you're okay?"

"Please, just stop asking that. I'll tell you if something is wrong, I promise?"

"Okay, then what are you waiting for? Get over here." I tell Amelia, summoning her with with my hand gestures, calling her toward me. I make sure to let her control the pace, choose how far she wants to go. She climbs on top of me, her legs straddled as she traces her hands down my sides to rest on my hips. She pauses for a moment and looks straight into my eyes. I see a wild combination of love and lust take over her body. She looks beautiful, but so vulnerable and all my instincts tell me to check she is okay but she has asked me not to so I hold back. Instead, I move my arms towards her, placing one hand on the back of her neck and the other to gently cup her cheek. She takes the hint and leans down to kiss me, but instead of our usual hurried pace it's slow and gentle. Her lips gently caress mine and her tongue swipes gently at my bottom lip, requesting access into my mouth. I accept without thought, kissing her not with speed but with depth, showing all of my love through a basic act of affection.

It doesn't take long for Amelia's hands to find the base of my shirt, fumbling with the material as a request for it to be removed. I move my own hands and place them over my girlfriends, picking up the hem of my top to pull it over my head revealing my bare chest. Her pupils expand further as she takes in the sight, almost as though this is the first time all over again. She carefully moves a hand to cup my breast, caressing it gentle and I feel my nipple harden beneath her touch. The gentle touches and pressure from light squeezes leads to fluid forming between my legs. I clench my thighs, something Amelia notices which causes her to smirk but still I find no release. Her touches stay as slow as they started, switching hands to caress my left breast with the same attention it's twin had been offered. Gentle kisses make their way down from my mouth, past my jaw and neck, keeping going until she attaches her lips to my breast, gently sucking it while kneading the other. Before long she has switched sides once more, making sure both breasts receive equal attention, but that isn't a current concern of mine.

I continue to squirm beneath her until she gets the idea and repositions to take off my panties, allow me to open my legs ready for any attention she is willing to give. Just as I expect her to finally make her move she takes my hand and moves it down to the place I want her most.

"Small circles around your clit. I want to be the one who causes your release so tell me when you're close okay?" She asks in a quiet voice, but I can hear her perfectly due to the silence that surrounds us. I nod to show my understanding, too turned on to focus on words right now. I follow the instructions she has given, slow circles around my clit, not speeding up despite how much I want to. I try to pretend my hands are hers as I keep eye contact with my lover. These moments we have, they're the best moments. Complete trust in the room, and so much love. It's undeniable.

She continues to give my chest all the love and attention she has in her body, her hands studying ever inch of me, like she has never seen my body before. I never feel as sexy as I do with Amelia's eyes on me. It doesn't take long for my hips to be rising, trying to get more pressure from my hand but I keep my touch slow and light as Amelia instructed. When the pressure starts to build in the pit of my stomach, I attempt to lock eye contact once more.

"A- Amy, I'm close" I mumble, waiting and begging for her to help me achieve my release. She swats my hand away from my clit but instead of continuing the movement she presses two fingers into me. The unexpected touch creates a groan from deep within me. She fucks me slowly but her movements firm, not allowing herself to get distracted. When I don't think I can take any more, she uses her other hand to draw quick loops around my sensitive bundle of nerves. I almost immediately begin to quake, her fingers still deep inside me. She doesn't stop her movements while my orgasm takes over which increases its power and the time. After what feels like forever, her movements finally come to an end and I flop backwards onto the bed.

"I'm going to remove my fingers okay?" She explains, giving me notice of her movements. The sheer thought of her removing her hand causes a groan to escape me. But Amelia quickly makes up for it, placing her lips over my own.

"I love you."

"I love you too, but how is it in totally naked and you're still entirely dressed?"

"I don't know. Take them off." Amelia says with a smirk, reaching to remove her top so I can more easily remove her bra.

"Can these go too?" I ask her, keeping my hands on her hips over her underwear. She gives a small nod and I know it's okay, slowly pulling them down her legs.

"Now it's my turn to make you feel good. Top or bottom?"

"Can I stay top?" Amelia asks becoming slightly timid with each passing second.

"Of course. Come here silly." I say with no hesitation in my voice, reconnecting our lips to pick up where we left off.

I hold my hands at the base of her back, pulling her hips down towards my own and placing my thigh between her legs. She grinds lightly against it, keeping her lips on my own, gently continuing our kisses.

"How do you want this?" I ask, not wanting to make the wrong move, knowing how vulnerable she is feeling at this moment. "Do you want to touch yourself or do you want me to?" I follow up, unsure whether what she asked me to do was a hint of what she wanted to follow.

"You please" Amelia responds desperately so I place my hands on her breasts, carefully kneading them for a moment before moving on. I take one hand away and gently stroke it down her body, feeling her tense above me as I reach her folds. I stroke my fingers between then to gently part her lips and she suppresses a guttural moan. I trace small, light circles over her clit, not enough to make her come but enough to increase her sensitivity.

"Az, inside, please." Amelia asks me, and of course I oblige. I carefully press two fingers into her opening, curling them slightly before straightening them once more. Her hips rise with the movement so I begin to pull them out before pressing my way back in, creating a rhythm to which her hips rise. I use my thumb to swipe against her clit as my fingers keep working, but I place my other hand on the back of her neck, pulling her closer to keep our gentle kisses going. It doesn't take long for her to stop responding to the kissing, her body begins to tighten over me.

"Come for me, I love you so much, you're amazing." I whisper quietly as she quakes over me before collapsing on top of my body.

When Amelia gets her breath back, she rolls to the side, now only having an arm and her head resting on my chest.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask her simply, really wanting to ask if she is okay but I have been banned for using such words.

"You asked if I wanted to touch myself." She states with no follow up information.

"I did, because you asked me to touch myself, and I didn't know if that was something you wanted to try or not." I explain.

"I've never, I mean I tried, but I can't do that."

"What do you mean?"

"My hands always turn into his. I've tried so many times across the years but it always ends badly. It's like, I trust you to touch me, but I don't trust myself." She admits, her words becoming quieter as the sentence comes to an end.

"Y'know it's nothing to be embarrassed about right?"

"I know it's just a weird topic to talk about, I can honestly say this is my first discussion with anybody about masterbation."

"Maybe it'd be different if I was here, I mean you could look at me, and pretend your hands are mine. It's not like I haven't seen you naked before and it's a perfectly normal thing, I don't see why you would miss out on if its something you're interested in trying."

"Maybe. Can we not decide right now though?"

"Of course."


	23. Chapter 23

Okay so this chapter took me so long to write because I wanted it to be perfect. I needed to make sure I captured the characters in a way that continued how they have been throughout this series which for some reason was a lot harder for this chapter.

Also its officially monday here (it's 1am currently) which means my exam week at university has officially begun so this will be the last update until Friday at the earliest.

Okay, I'm finished, enjoy the chapter.

* * *

**Amelia POV**

I've been awake since around 3 am. I woke from a nightmare, it was nothing too bad but I can't shake the feeling they're going to get worse if I go back to sleep. I carefully climb out of bed, putting on some pyjamas quietly as to avoid waking my girlfriend. I'm okay, I'm safe, so she doesn't need to be awake with me. I pick up the backpack I keep by my bed with my art supplies and make my way to the living room. I take out my most recent sketch book, and I draw, everything any anything on my mind. I take this time to help process my emotions and fear and love and I put it on paper. It keeps me sane.

I don't realise how long I've been drawing until I hear movement behind me.

"Melia who is that?" Sofia asks pointing at the page but I snap the book closed, annoyed with myself for not hearing her enter earlier.

"Nobody. It's private." I tell Sofia, taking a deep breath and realising what had just happened.

"But Melia, who was he?" Sofia asks reaching for the book on my lap but I grip it tightly as to not let her take it.

"Sofia I said no." I say harshly. "You don't ever look in these books okay? Not ever." I continue and I see her eyes fill up with tears as she runs towards Arizona who is still in bed. I try to call after her but my vocal chords fail to work.

I pull my knees up to my chest, holding my legs tight against me. I can't believe I just lashed out at Sofia like that. The guilt in the pit of my stomach surfaces and I let the tears fall down my cheeks. I can feel my body quiver, and I wasn't nothing more than to have Arizona by my side, but I know she has to talk to Sofia first, Sofia always comes first, and that's the way it should be.

"Amelia?" I hear a voice say, but it's not who I expected to be here. "Arizona let me in, she said something happened with you and Sofia. Are you okay?" Addison asks and I shake my head.

"No. I upset Sofia, I didn't mean to, you have to believe me." I stutter and I hear Addison take a deep breath.

"Hey, I know that." She says sitting down next to me. "Do you want the hoodie? It's just over there, I can grab it for you." She offers but I shake my head and reach out to take her hand.

"Just stay, please."

"Do you want a hug?" Addie offers but I shake my head again. I want drugs, but I know that's not an option. "Okay, then deep breaths, you're going to be okay. This is all going to get sorted out. I love you, you're okay." Addison whispers quietly as I calm myself down. I knew today was going to be hard, I knew that I would maybe lose it at Arizona, or Addie, but I never thought I would get upset with Sofia like that. I want so much for Sofia to like me, for her to enjoy spending time with me, and I could have just ruined the relationship we spent so long building.

"Amelia, Sofia has something to say to you." I hear Arizona say from behind me and I wipe my eyes to make myself just a little bit more presentable for Sofia.

"I'm sorry Amelia." the young girl begins, using my full name rather than just Melia like normal. "I know when you say private that means I shouldn't ask more questions and I shouldn't have tried to ask again. I didn't want to make you sad." She continues, sticking by Arizona's side.

"I know." I say, holding my arms out for her, and she soon comes into my embrace. "I didn't mean to make you sad either."

When we have calmed down a little, and Arizona has brought Addison and myself some coffee, I take Sofia's hand in my own.

"Sofia, do you remember when you asked your mom why I had some cuts on my legs?" I ask carefully and I see Arizona's head flick quickly towards us, "And then you asked if somebody had hurt me." I finish and Sofia nods her head indicating she does.

"Mom said they did, but we make you feel safe." She replies simply and I nod my head holding back tears.

"That's right. The drawing you saw this morning was of the man who hurt me, that's why I got mad. I didn't want you to see that."

"Does he make you mad because he scares you?"

"Yeah, he does. That's why I don't like talking about him." I tell her, making sure to answer her question but not adding unnecessary details.

"Will a cuddle from Mom help?" Sofia asks looking into my eyes.

"Y'know Sof, your Mom gives excellent cuddles, but yours are just as good at making me happy."

"Really?!" She wonders, her eyes open wide.

"Definitely."

After a while, Arizona sends Sofia to get washed and dressed, taking her seat beside me. I immediately wrap my arms around her, letting my tears flow once more.

"You have no idea how much I needed this." I say referring to the hug.

"Hey, I thought you said Sofia's hugs were just as good?!" Arizona says, faking offense at the comment.

"It was what Sofia needed to hear. I'm sorry I got mad at her, and I hope what I said was okay? I probably should have checked that with you first."

"Hey it's fine. You had every right to get upset with her, she invaded your privacy." Arizona justifies and I see her eyes looking towards the sketchbook that I know had perched on the coffee table.

"You can look at it if you want. It's not exactly a secret anymore." I say, passing her the book and opening it to the page. I close my arms so I can't see her reaction but I stay in her arms.

"Amelia, you do realise this would be more than enough to give to the police if you wanted to."

"I don't. Most likely situation is I find out they haven't caught him, and if they have I'd have to identify him again, then with the issue of statute of limitations, I just can't. I don't want to go through that."

"That's okay. That's your choice." Arizona says, rubbing soft circles on my back.

"Can we still go out today? I think a distraction would be the best coping method today." I ask, attempting to change the topic, but also genuinely wanting to know the answer.

"If you want to, but we still have a little over an hour. We can just chill for a bit. Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"No, but I'm going to try."

* * *

We decide to go to the zoo as planned, something Sofia is over the moon about. She seems happy in herself, almost as though the events of this morning have been totally wiped from her memory. I am still upset with myself though. Even though I know Sofia is okay and Arizona didn't get mad, I'm annoyed with myself for lashing out. I don't last out, especially not with kids.

Since this morning, as promised either Arizona or Addison has been by my side every step of the day, not letting me be alone. I'm so grateful for both of them being here but something just doesn't feel right. I'm tired and just trying not to think about him, the one thought that keeps trying to invade my mind.

Arizona and Sofia have disappeared to find a bathroom leaving myself and Addison just wandering around while we wait.

"Amelia, you okay?" Addison asks, interlinking her arm with mine.

"I feel like I messed everything up with Sofia this morning. I shouldn't have been mad at her like that, I just want her to like me"

"What do you mean? Of course Sofia likes you."

"I know everything seems fine now but it's not. I'm not her Mom, and she always comes first for Arizona so we need to get along, I don't think I could survive without Az and I'm not ready to find out."

"Amelia, you're spiraling. You're not going to have to leave Arizona because Sofia loves you. She may not call you mom, but you're definitely a mother figure to that girl. She looks up to you."

"But I made her cry, I didn't want to do that."

"Last week Henry cried because I sent him to his room for doing something I asked him not to. He still knows I love him."

"Yeah, but you've had Henry since he was born, I've known Sofia for a year, barely. I'm not a Mom, I'm not ready for that."

"Amelia, I hate to tell you this, but you're already a mom, and an amazing one at that. Don't let your thoughts tell you otherwise, you're perfect." Addie tells me and I wipe my eyes with the ends of my sleeves.

"I hate it when you're right."

"Melia look who we found" Sofia yells running towards Addison and myself so I put a smile on my face and look up, scanning the area to understand what she was talking about. It doesn't take me long for my eyes to land on Arizona who is talking to Joyce, making their way in our direction.

"You okay?" Arizona asks, placing a hand gently on my arm and I give a slight nod.

"Hi Amelia, how are you doing?" Joyce asks me and I keep my fake smile on for Sofia's sake.

"Tough day, but I'm here and I'm sober."

"I'm glad." Joyce replies and Addie coughs quietly beside me.

"Oh right, Addie this is my friend Joyce, Joyce this is my sister Addison, she is here visiting from LA." I say as they reach to shake hands.

"Nice to meet you."

"You too. Amelia said you helped her get clean in LA, she's lucky to have you." Joyce tells Addison and she looks to me with a smile.

"I would do anything for Amelia." Addison tells Joyce but Sofia interrupts the moment by tugging on Addies arm.

"Joyce let me and Zola feed the Giraffes for my birthday" Sofia announces, the memory still fresh in her mind.

"No way? That sounds awesome, do you have any photos?" Addison asks Sofia giving me a slight smile. I know Addie had already seen the photos, I sent her them last year but Sofia doesn't know that. She goes over every detail with Arizona's help to use her phone, making sure my sister gets to see the images. While Sofia is busy I take the moment to talk to talk with my friend. It's nice having somebody who understands the cravings just a little.

"So how bad is the tough day?" Joyce asks placing her hand gently on my arm. I flinch a little but accept the support she offers.

"It's bad, but I have Arizona and Addison, I'll be okay. We came out here for a distraction I guess, and it keeps Sofia happy."

"Is there anything I can do?" She asks with a sad smile.

"No, I think I'll be okay. Thank you though." I appreciate the offer, really I do, but right now I don't want to talk about feelings, I want to forget it all. I want to lay in my girlfriend's arms and not be scared the nightmares are going to steal me from her. I want to be normal.

When Sofia has finished telling Addison all about the giraffes, Joyce and I were just finishing up our conversation.

"Okay, well I have to get off, y'know, keep working. Amelia, will I see you tonight?" Joyce asks me before leaving.

"I'll be there."

"You have plans tonight?" Addison questions with a raised eyebrow.

"AA." I state without much of an explanation.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked." Addison worries and I shake my head. I'm not sure why she is apologising, AA is a part of me. It's a good thing that I'm going. Sure I don't advertise my struggles with addiction, but it's not like I hide it either.

"It's fine, it's not like it's a secret."

"Melia what's AA?" Sofia perks up and I realise I'd forgotten she was here. Arizona looks at me as though to say 'It's okay, you don't have to answer' but I shake my head.

"Some people, like me, have a problem that means we have to try a little bit harder than others to stay healthy. AA is a special meeting I go to so I can stay healthy and spend lots of time with you and your Mom." I explain simply and Sofia just nods. "I'm telling you this because you're a big girl now okay Sof? But this is a private thing so not something to be telling your friends about, if you have questions you can ask me or your Mom."

"I understand. Is it fun?" She asks, eyebrows furrowed in thought.

"I don't think fun is the right word, it's like a big group doctors appointment where you talk about your life, and sometimes it's sad. But sometimes there is cake at the end if I'm lucky."

"Is it good cake?"

"Not really. I'm pretty sure we could make better cake at home." I laugh but Sofia's eyes go big and wide.

"Can we make cake tonight mom?" Sofia asks turning to look at Arizona.

"Hun, you know I'm terrible at baking." Arizona explains and Sofia nods with a grin. I'm going to have to remember to find out the story behind that.

"If I remember correctly," Addison interrupts and we all look towards her. "Amelia used to make the best chocolate fudge cake."

"I haven't made that cake in a long time." I tell Addison but she just smiles.

"But you still remember the recipe, don't you?"

"Okay, you win, I'll make cake. Sofia will you help me?"

"Yeah! We can make the best cake in the galaxy!"

"Well, I don't know about that, but we could try."

When we have seen all the animals, a loudspeaker announcement comes on over the zoo. I can't remember what it was for but the sudden noise made me flinch. Addison is looking at the meerkats with Sofia, but Arizona noticed the movement. I cling to her arm, trying to keep myself collected in this public space but it doesn't work. Arizona takes her arms and wraps them around my torso, startling me a bit at first, but eventually calming me down. I'm too tired to fight.

"Just breath. You're okay." Arizona whispers but I know I'm not. A hug alone isn't going to help a panic attack of this severity, I can feel it building.

"Az I need somewhere quiet. " I stutter, "Please." She takes my hand, knowing Sofia is safe with my sister makes this much easier. My vision is becoming blurry from the panic and just when I feel it's getting too much Arizona sits me down in what looks to be a disabled bathroom.

"You're safe here okay, it's just you and me. We are safe. You can panic and cry here as much as you need, as long as you know we are safe. Can I hold you?" She asks caringly and I nod giving her permission. Almost immediately I feel her body sheltering my own, her arms embracing me as she constantly reassures me it will be okay. I can feel my skin crawling and my breaths getting faster by the moment. I clench my fists, pressing them down against my thighs and let the emotions I'm feeling take over.

As the panic attack begins to subside I realise how long we have been in the bathroom.

"We shouldn't stay in here, what if someone needs the disabled bathroom, I don't really have an excuse to be here." I tell Arizona, not truly feeling

"Amy, I'm a one legged woman, for all anybody else knows I need help to use the bathroom, you can stay here until your comfortable enough to leave." Arizona says lightly and I realise what I had said.

"Oh shit. I forgot about your leg. Is that bad?" I ask, absurdity of the question actually distracting me from the fear I was feeling a few moments earlier.

"No, I think that's actually a good thing." Arizona responds beginning to laugh. "I'm sorry, it's not that funny, I mean it is, but not because I'm laughing at you. I'm sorry, you're what's important right now."

"No, tell me. The distraction was helping. Tell me what's funny." I ask Arizona, keeping my breathing as slow as possible, not wanting to reenter the panicked state.

"I was thinking about the first time I forgot I didn't have a leg. For the first few months after it was removed, it was the only thing I thought about. But then one night Sofia woke up and I climbed out of bed to make sure she was okay and totally forgot my leg was gone. I tried to walk and fell flat on my face. Callie was so panicked, but I just laughed it off. It hurt, but I pretended it was nothing. Looking back now it is kinda funny, forgetting you have an amputated limb."

"You laughed to hide your pain. It's a coping mechanism, probably not the best way to deal with the loss of a limb."

"Look at you all smart. Since when were you the psychology expert?"

"I've been using that exact technique for the last 20 years. You know what they say, practice makes perfect."

"Amelia that is like super dark, you know that right?"

"Yeah, but it's true. Can Sofia stay at Mer's tonight?" I ask Arizona wearily and I can see her sense the anxiety in my tone.

"I can ask but it is last minute, she might have plans." Arizona responds and before I have a chance to fully process what she was saying, my response flows from my lips.

"It's okay. I'll talk to Mer, tell her why."

* * *

**Arizona POV**

Amelia hasn't said much more on the topic of talking to Meredith, I'm honestly not sure if she even realised she said she would. She hasn't spoken much for the rest of the afternoon, she has just stayed by my side. We are currently on the way back home and she is in her own world, not paying attention to anything else that happens in the car, it's somewhat similar to how she was when I first found her at the bus stop last year. I'm worried about her, I know when she gets this quiet that it's going to be a bad night, I'm scared she will do something stupid, and I hate to admit that.

When we pull up at the apartment block I give Addison my keys so her and Sofia can head upstairs while I have a talk with Amelia.

"Amelia, can you look at me?" I ask but she doesn't move from her position. "Amy, sweetie, it's going to be okay. I love you." I elaborate and she hesitantly turns herself toward me.

"I'm sorry. I love you too."

"You don't need to apologise to me. You're you, and I wouldn't change that for the world. I just need to know what's happening tonight, how are we doing this? Are you going to talk to Meredith or do I need to? And what is happening with Addison?"

"I don't know. When I said I would talk to Meredith, I meant it but I don't know how much to say. I'm not ready for her to know everything, but I don't want Sofia around tonight, I know it's going to be a bad night and I don't want to subject her to that." Amelia says shakily and I wrap my arms around her, but she is still tense, so I pull back, instead just cupping her face in my hands to look into her eyes.

"Okay, you're okay. You don't have to tell Meredith anything you're not ready for. I can ask her to take Sofia if you want." I offer, wanting to comfort her as much as possible but unsure as to which is the best way to do it. "I'm going to call Meredith, and you can come with me to drop Sofia off, then it's up to you what you tell her. That okay with you?"

"That sounds pretty perfect. Thank you. Could we just have a few moments here first though?"

"Sure. Come here."

Meredith quickly accepted the request for her to look after Sofia for us, with it being a weekend there were no concerns with school. Amelia and I have made our way inside and told Sofia about the sleepover we have planned. She immediately ran to pack a bag, excited to go and see her best friend. Addison has offered to make dinner, some special stir fry that Amelia used to love. Normally I would say no to a guess who offered to cook, but Addison has slotted in so well, and I want to be able to focus my attention on Amelia and her well being. I'm genuinely confused as to the best way to help her, I'm unsure as to what is happening in her mind. I feel like she is on the edge of a breakdown, but somehow holding herself together when she shouldn't be able to. It's potentially more scary like this, it's the unknown, and I know however scared I am, she is probably going through more but still, it's tough.

I can tell Addison is worried about Amelia, I am too. She isn't here, sure she is sat on the couch with me, but she isn't here emotionally. Her mind is elsewhere and I don't know how to bring her back to me.

"Amy, do you want to drop Sofia at Meredith's with me?" I offer and she nods, barely but the movement was there.

"I need to go to my meeting after if that's okay." She replies just as I am about to move.

"Of course that's okay. We're going to leave in about 10 minutes. Is that okay?"

"Yeah that's fine."

It doesn't take long to arrive at Meredith's and Sofia runs straight inside to see her friend, Arizona and myself standing awkwardly at the door.

"Do you want to come in?" Meredith asks and I look to Amelia for her to reply, I want this decision to come from her.

"Sure but we don't have long, I need to go to my meeting in 15 minutes." Amelia mumbles, gripping onto my hand a bit tighter, wordlessly telling me she doesn't want to be alone.

"Is everything okay?" Meredith follows up, noticing Amelia's clear discomfort. When Amelia doesn't reply I take over for her.

"Bad day, we thought some alone time might help." I say subtly, not wanting to raise any secrets Amelia isn't ready to talk about.

"I was raped." Amelia says taking myself and Meredith by surprise.

"Amelia, I don't know what to say." Meredith starts, clearly taken aback by the sudden change of topic..

"It was a long time ago so I'm normally okay but I'm having a bad day and I don't want Sofia to suffer." Amelia says, and I realise she must have practiced saying this. Her words are simple and precise and she doesn't once stutter.

"How come you never told me?"

"I am telling you, right now. I don't want to talk about it but that's why I needed you to watch Sofia."

"Okay. Is there anything I can do?" Meredith asks, placing a hand on Amelia's shoulder but she shrugs it off.

"Just don't tell anyone, please. It's not common knowledge."

I know I don't have the right to be, but I'm slightly annoyed at Amelia for bringing this up right now. I try to support her, and I want whatever she thinks is best, but this isn't fair to Meredith. She shouldn't just give her this information knowing she can't stay to discuss it. I know it's Amelia's life and that it's her body and her choice, but I can't help but feel responsible for causing Meredith more stress that I can do nothing to reduce. I try to keep my thoughts to myself as we leave and I drop Amelia off at her meeting, but she shouldn't be putting anybody in this situation, let alone her sister. I can't say anything tonight, I know she is too fragile, but tomorrow we are going to have to discuss this, arrange a time to sit down with Meredith and give her some answers, or even just apologise for dropping the bomb on her like that. I can't imagine how I would feel if that were me.

I take my phone out to check for messages, normally I would leave and come back to pick my girlfriend up but I promised I wouldn't leave her today, so instead I wait in the parking lot incase she needs me. Meredith has send me dozens of messages, trying to get in touch with Amelia.

Arizona I'm worried about Amelia. Tell her to call me. Please.

I'm not mad she didn't tell me. I just want to talk.

Please reply to me.

I think for a moment before typing a careful reply.

I'm sorry you found out this way. Amelia is currently at her AA meeting. I didn't know she planned to tell you like this. She is having a bad day today and I really don't think making her talk today would be a good idea. Addison goes back to LA tomorrow and then Amelia is at work, but afterward I'll talk to her. I'll try to get her to talk to you then, but I don't want to push her into anything she isn't comfortable with. I'll look after her, I promise. X

While Amelia was busy in her meeting, I let my tears fall. I let myself break down, knowing that I'll have to pull myself together for Amelia's sake. I'm so angry with her, but I love her so much. I can't stay mad with her,I just want to take her pain away. One person should not have this much pain trapped inside them, it's just not fair. I used to have faith, I used to believe in a god. I still want to, but I don't want to know any God who would put such a sweet, loving person through this hell. There is no excuse. Nothing. Amelia Shepherd deserves more.

Almost as though she could read my mind, my girlfriend appears at the passenger side door, opening it to enter the car. I don't try to initiate conversation, it's something I've learned over the time we have been dating. After a meeting she doesn't appreciate conversation, she normally wants to be alone with her thoughts. When she is ready to talk, I know she will come to me. Still, I always find myself hoping that will be sooner rather than later.

When we get back Addison has set the table and is plating up food for us. Amelia still hasn't said a word when we sit down for food. I hold my hand out by my side, offering her comfort and she accepts, holding her hand in my own. She doesn't eat much, instead she pushes food around her plate with her fork and takes tiny mouthfuls when she sees either of us watching. Addison offered to help sort the dishes but I politely declined. I can see Amelia suffering and although I can't be sure, I think it's because she doesn't want to break down in front of her sister. I see Addison out and place Amelia's food in a container incase she wants it tomorrow. Addison did say it was her favourite. I don't bother doing the dishes, I just place them in the sink before moving towards the woman I love so much.

"What can I do?" I ask quietly allowing her total control over the situation.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Amelia, honey, you're not fine. If there really isn't anything I can do, that's okay. If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay too. Whatever you're feeling is okay. But I love you, and you're not fine."

"I'm not okay." Amelia says quietly, not looking up towards me.

"I know. What do you need?"

"I don't know."

We sit for what feels like hours. We don't talk, the tv is on in the background, not that either of us are watching it. She holds my hand but there is a gap between us. We just sit doing nothing. I'm waiting for whatever this stage is to be over.

"I did it." Amelia says, speaking to me for the first time in over 3 hours.

"Did what?" I ask, not understanding the context of her words.

"Look at the clock. It's midnight. I got through the day, the worst day and I didn't cut. I thought about it so many times, but I didn't." Her words convey happiness, but her tone doesn't match. It's too neutral, almost as though she has no emotions.

"Congratulations. I'm proud of you, I know it wasn't easy."

"Arizona, I think I'm ready to cry now." She says, her voice beginning to waver. I open my arms letting her fall into them. She clings to me as though it's the end of the world as she releases all the tears she had been holding in. Although this situation seems bad, I feel relief. Relief that she is feeling emotions. Relief that she is letting me comfort her. Even if we sit here all night, at least I know now what she is feeling, and I can try to help. Sure, there's a long night ahead, but it's nothing I can't handle. We can get through this together.


	24. Chapter 24

* * *

**So the last chapter was pretty intense and as some of you pointed out, things are hard for Arizona too. I wanted to make that clear in this chapter. Just because Arizona is primarily supportive side and always seems so caring, it doesn't mean that she is perfect. Sometimes things can get too much for even the strongest of people. I hope I managed to capture that correctly. Enjoy :)**

* * *

**Amelia POV**

I know Arizona is upset with me. She acted normal around Addison while we dropped her off at the airport, but there is something more happening. She hasn't really spoken to me much, only asking if I was okay when she got out of bed. Since then any attempt I have made to start a conversation with her has been shot down, blunt replies and one word answers. I've never seen her like this, she has always been so supportive and friendly. I hate the thought that I could have done something to cause this. I have work this afternoon and I can't go while we aren't talking. I would be distracted. Plus the plan is to get Sofia on the way home and it's very difficult to have proper discussions with a nine year old watching your every move.

After 20 minutes of unadulterated silence, I give in and say what I'm feeling. "Arizona, what is going on? Is this about what happened with Sofia yesterday? Because I still feel awful but you said it was fine." I ask, practically begging her to talk to me but the closest I get to a response is her hands gripping tighter onto the steering wheel. "Arizona please talk to me."

"It's not about Sofia." I get back bluntly.

"Arizona stop the car." I say abruptly, the words coming out harsher than I intended but I don't correct myself.

"What do you mean? No I'm not stopping the car."

"There is a parking lot coming up. Pull over so we can't talk this out. You can yell at me, scream as much as you want but I've clearly done something awful and I don't want Sofia to be around while we fight. Pull over." I insist once more and thankfully she does." Thank you. Now what the hell is going on?"

"I don't need to yell at you. I'm just pissed. I need you to let me be pissed." My girlfriend says, not moving her head in the slightest.

"You're allowed to be pissed but can you at least tell me what I did to deserve it?"

"Meredith is my friend."

"I know she is. What does that have to do with anything?"

"We have gone through so much together, but after the plane crash, we were closer. Mark and Lexie were dead. Then Cristina went to Switzerland, then Derek died. Meredith and I are the only survivors left at the hospital. We made a promise to always look out for each other. "

It's rare that Arizona talks about the plane crash, I know she said it makes her nightmares worse. When I try to bring it up she tries to answer my questions but soon changes the topic, moving it away from the bad memories. It's strange to hear her talking openly about what happened.

"What does this have to do with why you're mad at me?" I ask, my tone my softer than previously. I am still trying to string together the events of the day. Instead of replying Arizona just passes me her phone open on messages. There are dozens of messages from Mer, she is begging Arizona to make me talk to her. Arizona had replied to a few messages into the exchange, but since then the messages were getting more needy. The final message in the correspondence was the one that made me realise the true extent of what I had caused.

_"Arizona we promised after the plane crash we would always do what's best for each other. Please stop ignoring me, I want to speak to my sister."_

"Arizona, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause a problem for you or her." I say quietly, disappointed that I managed to cause this level of upset.

"I know. I love you Amelia, and I always try to fight for you, but I can't let that affect my friendship with your sister. She is the only one left who can understand the hell that I went through." Arizona replies and I can see her anger melting away into sadness. A part of me wants to feel hurt that she talks to Meredith about things she hasn't told me about, but I understand why. Some thoughts are too dark to talk about.

"I never meant to hurt you. I just didn't think before speaking. It just happened."

"I know. I just, you kept this from Meredith for such a long time. She is hurt you didn't share this with her. You owe her an explanation, you don't have to say much, but let her know you're okay. She deserves that much."

"I'll talk to her. Could you make sure the kids don't set the house on fire while I do?"

"Okay." She responds simply, wiping her eye before tears manage to fall.

"Do you know how long you're going to be mad at me?" I ask, trying to fully understand the situation. This is the first time we have ever had a fight.

"It's too soon to tell."

"Does it help if I tell you how much I love you?" I try, knowing the line is cheesy but hoping it'll help.

"It definitely doesn't hurt."

"I love you so much, I can't even comprehend a world where I don't have you anymore. You're everything to me, I can't even begin to express how much I love you."

"I love you too, I just need time. Can I drive now?"

"Yeah, sorry."

* * *

When we get to Meredith's my heart is beating too fast for me to count, all I can do is keep breathing and try to prevent a panic attack. I really don't want to be entering this situation right now but I know I have to do this, I have to get through it for Arizona. She has been by my side since day one, always standing in my corner and fighting for me, and I was stupid enough to not only risk my relationship with my sister, but also Arizona and Mer's relationship. Fixing this is the least she deserves.

Arizona hasn't left the car yet, we both just sit in silence while I build up the courage to get out and deal with the situation I unintentionally created.

"Az, I know you're mad at me, and you get to have all your feelings, but I'm really scared." I start, my voice shaking but I manage to continue. "Can I at least have a hug before we go in?" Despite the utter lack of verbal response, she opens her arms and I awkwardly lean across the gap between the car seats. I hold her close for a few moments before she pushes me away.

"Now you've got to deal with all this." I just nod and shake off the fear of talking about this alone for the first time.

I don't knock on the door, it seems stupid to delay the inevitable, plus I have a key even if the door were locked, which it wasn't. Zola runs and jumps into my arms giving me the hug I really needed. I don't want to put her down, I would rather hold my niece for all eternity but I know I have to do this. When I put Zola I see Meredith standing in the doorway. She looks tired, I don't blame her. From the quick glance I got at Arizona's messages I don't think she slept much last night.

"Can we go somewhere quiet to talk?" I ask timidly, wanting to get straight to the point to avoid any small talk but instead she wraps her arms around my body.

"Are you okay?" She asks subtly, still holding me tight. I can't quite formulate a response, Meredith has never been a lover of hugs and this is just an unexpected situation. Although I'm not quite comfortable with this amount of contact but it is clear to me that this is something Meredith needs to do.

"Can we just go somewhere to talk? I know you have questions and I just want to get it over with."

"Let's go upstairs."

Meredith leads me into her bedroom, I haven't been here in such a long time. At first it just reminded me too much of Derek, I still went up to put washing away but never for long. Then after moving out, I never had a reason to come here. I glance around the room, looking at the tumour drawing, a set of Derek's cufflinks on the dresser, the post it note vows still framed on the wall and then I look to Meredith who is sat on the edge of the bed.

"He didn't know."

"What?"

"Derek, I never told him. He didn't know."

"I'm not going to make you talk about it if you don't want to. I just needed to know you were okay." Meredith says kindly and I move to sit next to her on the bed.

"It's okay. I didn't plan on telling you yesterday, maybe subconsciously I wanted you to know, I'm not sure. But you know now so no point ignoring it." I say honestly, and despite the nerves I'm feeling, I feel safe. In this room I feel Derek around me, he lives on in here. There has never been a time in my life when I didn't feel safe with him around. It feels good to feel him near.

"When did it happen?" Meredith starts and I take a deep breath, getting ready for the conversing to begin.

"Yesterday was the 20th anniversary, I know it's not really an excuse, but my guards were down hence the sudden reveal. I am sorry about that but the way, it was insensitive and I was stupid."

"You're not stupid Amelia." Meredith says, placing a hand and my leg but I flinch away.

"Could you just, not touch me please. I'm okay, I just need space, not from you, just the memories I…"

"It's okay. I get it. Do you want me to get Arizona?"

"No. I'll be okay, she's still kinda mad at me anyway.

"Why is she mad at you?"

"About how I handled yesterday. She didn't want to choose between us. You were messaging and I was kinda having a breakdown, I just shouldn't have put her in this situation."

"I'm sorry if I made it worse." Meredith says sheepishly but I shake my head.

"Don't be. You were just looking out for me."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"Do you remember months ago, when you had that huge breakdown in the bathroom and I had to call Arizona in the middle of the night. You said it was nightmares, were they about, y'know?"

"My attack? Yeah."

"Have you thought about getting help for the nightmares?"

"I'm going to therapy. Arizona convinced me to start going a few months ago. I'm not loving it but I'm trying, I want to get better so…"

"That's good."

The rooms has been silent for several moments, and I know Meredith still has lots of questions.

"I was drugged at a party, I think somebody must have spiked my drink. Its like I remember what happened but I couldn't move my body, I'm guessing it was a paralytic drug. I felt ill so I started to walk home, I didn't get very far before he grabbed me. After a while I must have blacked out, because when I woke it was morning and I got home as quick as I could. I went to the hospital anonymously and never told anybody else, not until Arizona found out last year. I'm not ready to go into all the details, but if you have questions, I can try to answer." I feel bad for keeping this from Meredith for so long, but talking about it isn't as painful as it was with Addison. Maybe it's because I'm not going into as much detail, or because Addison has known me much longer. I'm not sure but I'm grateful nonetheless.

"Did you know him?" This question is a new one to me, nobody else has asked this before.

"No. He was older than I was, maybe mid 20s. I don't even know if it was him who spiked my drink or if it was someone else."

"You were a minor, you shouldn't have been able to get treated anonymously?"

"I told them I was 18 and paid out of my college savings. I didn't want my mom to find out so it felt like the only option at the time. It was the ER doctor that prescribed me oxy for the first time." I say shakily, trying my upmost not to cry or panic.

"Amelia we should stop. You're clearly not comfortable talking about this. I'm glad you felt like you can trust me but this isn't necessary. I just needed to know you were okay, that you weren't using again, or in danger." Meredith says reaching her hand out to put it gently on top of my own. I resist the urge to pull my hand away and just nod.

"Thank you. I ehm, I know you and Arizona are friends, and I would never do anything to change that, but could you not talk to her about this? I know she already knows everything, but it's my past y'know, if you have questions you can ask me."

"Of course, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry I freaked out yesterday. Before Derek went to DC, he was worried about leaving you here, he made me promise to look out for you. When you told me yesterday, I just felt like I'd failed him."

"You didn't fail him Mer. I can't count how many times you've helped without even knowing what you've done."

"I don't know what that means but I'm glad I helped, even if I didn't know what was happening."

"Can I ask you a question now?"

"Sure."

"Did you really date Derek and a vet at the same time, and then ask Addison for advice on which to choose?"

* * *

The rest of the day passes fairly smoothly. Arizona still isn't talking to me that much but I know we are going to be okay. I know we can work through this. I plan to make her dinner tonight, and keeping trying to prove that I'm sorry.

"Melia, are you and Mom in a fight?" Sofia asks quietly as she enters the room.

"What do you mean baby?"

"Mom is crying in her room, and she didn't talk to you on the way home." Sofia explains and I feel guilt building in the pit of my stomach.

"Yeah, I think we are in a bit of a fight but it's going to be okay. I didn't want to make your mom sad and I'm trying my hardest to make her feel better."

"Are you going to leave like Mama did?" She asks with tears burning in her eyes.

"No baby. I'm not leaving, I love you and your mom too much to leave."

"Then why are you fighting?"

"Sometimes it's good for grownups to fight a little. It's not healthy if we keep all our feelings buried, sometimes a little fight helps get the frustrations out so it can make our love stronger. Does that make sense?"

"Like a broken bone. Mama says when you break a bone and it heals to be even stronger than it was before?" Callie must have been teaching her about bones, and Sofia is right, it's the perfect analogy for the current situation.

"Exactly like that. You're getting too smart monkey. I'm going to go see if I can make your mom a bit happier. Do you have any homework to do?"

"Yeah but it's too difficult."

"Well why don't you have a try and if you're still stuck in a bit I'll come and help you, okay?"

I make my way to our bedroom, knocking lightly on the door before opening it.

"Arizona? Sofia said you were crying." I say owing my head wind the door, seeing her wipe her eyes quickly with the back of her hands.

"I'm sorry, I just need a bit of space."

"I know. I tried to leave you here as long as I could but Sofia just asked me if I was going to leave like Callie did." I explain which gets Arizona's attention.

"What did you say?"

"That I love you both too much to leave. And that sometimes fighting is a good thing because it let's us get our frustrations out so we can make our relationship stronger."

"That's a really good way of explaining it. I love you too much to leave too."

"I talked to Meredith. I mean, I didn't tell her the details but she knows the basics. She said she promised Derek she would look out for me, that's why she was so upset." I admit fumbling with my thumbs not knowing what to do with myself.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to Amelia. I know you'll have said what you think is right."

"I know I don't have to, but I would like to. Our relationship is built on trust and honesty. I don't want to break that."

"Okay."

"I also asked her not to talk about it with you, it's not that I don't trust you, I do, more than I trust myself most days. It's just that it's my past. It's my story to tell, so I'm going to ask you the same thing."

"Of course I won't talk about it if you don't want me to."

"Thank you. Are you still mad at me?" I ask sitting down on the edge of the bed, not too close but enough to show I'm not going anywhere.

"No, I think I'm done being mad."

"Good, because I'm making us dinner. Care to join me and our daughter in the living room for a good old Disney movie first?"

"Our daughter?" Arizona questions and I suddenly realise the enormity of what I have just said.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't be sorry. It's perfect. Come here." she says and I lean towards her. Soft fingers cup my cheeks as she pulls me in for a gentle kiss. Her tongue runs across my bottom lip begging for access, which I soon grant. The kiss keeps seeming to get deeper and I feel her moan into my mouth. "I love you."

"I love you too, but we are going to have to finish this later, our daughter is waiting for us."

"I'll look forward to it."


	25. Chapter 25

So I have spent the last week or so in and out of the hospital which sucks but on the other hand I've had plenty of time for writing! Enjoy :)

Edit: I noticed the fractions hadn't properly uploaded so I fixed that. Apparent when Google changes text into the little fraction things automatically doesn't accept. Anyways, I promise I'm not that bad at math

* * *

**Amelia POV**

When I get home from work the apartment is unusually quiet. I put my bags down and head through to the living room to find Sofia sat alone in the middle of the rug. She has her homework book out on the table but it's closed. She is currently coloring in a picture of a butterfly from one of those adult coloring books.

"Hey Sof, you okay?"

"Mom's head is bad again."

"What do you mean again?"

"Sometimes Mom gets really bad headache that makes her sick. Mama said when it happens I have to be quiet and not watch TV so I found some drawing to do." Sofia explains simply and I smile at her kindness.

"I'm going to go check if your Mom is okay. Is she in bed?" I ask the nine year old in front of me.

"Yeah." She responds but as I go to leave the room she calls me back. "Melia, once you've checked on Mom can we make dinner? My belly is making noises."

"Of course sweet girl."

I approach the bedroom quietly, not entirely sure what to expect. As I open the door Arizona rushes past me, going straight to the bathroom. I act quickly and follow her, pulling her hair back while she empties her stomach contents into the toilet. I rub gentle circles on her back, just waiting it out until a bit of the nausea has passed. After a few minutes the bathroom door opens and I see Sofia holding a glass of water. She passes it to Arizona who puts a small smile on her face.

"Thank you baby." She says simply to Sofia, but I can see her grimacing in pain. Sofia just nods and leaves the bathroom, I can tell this isn't the first time she has helped deal with the situation.

"You okay?" I ask my girlfriend, helping her up from the bathroom floor.

"Migraine. It hurts like hell but I'll survive."

"Yeah I guessed. Anything I can do?" I offer.

"No, just keep the volume down."

"I think Sofia has that covered. Will you be okay without me for a few minutes? I need to put some food in the oven for Sof, she said her belly is growling." I say simply as I nod towards the next room.

"Take her out for some food, she has been quiet since I picked her up from school, she deserves some down time. I'm not sure how much longer she can keep her energy in." Arizona responds thoughtlessly, sighing with a hand covering her eyes.

"Are you sure? Will you be okay on your own?"

"I'm sure I can survive. There's money in my purse if you need it."

"Don't be silly, I have money. Do you want anything bringing back?"

"Can I have some of those Popsicles, the long thin ones with no stick? Sof knows which ones."

"Sure. Call me if you need anything okay? I won't be far away."

Despite being worried for Arizona, I choose to make the most of the bonding time I'll have with Sofia. As a neurosurgeon, seeing my girlfriend in such immense head pain raised some alarms but I know logically that she is a doctor. And the fact that she has had migraines before gives me a little comfort.

"Okay Sof, we are going to go out and get some food. Put your shoes and coat on quietly."

"Will Mom be okay on her own?" Sofia asks and I smile at how thoughtful the young girl can be.

"She'll be okay. We aren't going to stay out for too long and she can call me if she needs anything."

"Can I choose the music in the car?" She asks excitedly and I see why Arizona was saying Sofia wouldn't be able to stay quiet much longer.

"Sure. Come on, let's go."

We decide to go to a little Italian place not too far away from the apartment. This way we are staying local incase Arizona needs us, plus they have a great kids menu which Sofia loves.

"I'm proud of you kiddo, you know that?" I tell Sofia as we get given our table.

"Why proud? I haven't done anything special." She points out with a perplexed look on her face.

"Your mom is sick and you remembered not to make any noise, and you didn't bother her when you were hungry, you just found something else to do, and did your homework without being asked. I think that's very special."

"I didn't finish my homework though, it was too hard."

"But you tried, and trying is more important than succeeding because if you try and can't do it, then you know and you can ask for help. When I was your age I don't think I would have been that good."

"Was I good enough to get a dessert?" She asks with wide eyes and I laugh.

"Sure, I think we can do that."

The meal is quiet and simple. Sofia tells me all about school and how she has been learning about the solar system in science class. She tells me as much as she can remember, getting excited about all the little things until she runs out of fun fact.

"Melia I have a question." Sofia announces suddenly looking serious. "But it's for Dr Shepherd, not Melia."

"What's the difference between me and Dr Shepherd?" I ask, genuinely curious about this separation in her mind.

"Dr Shepherd tells the full truth, even if it's tricky to understand. Melia makes it simpler but misses out things." She replies with a big grin as I wonder what on earth she wants to know.

"What do you want to know?" I ask her back which makes her giggle.

"Why does my mom get headaches?" she asks and I start thinking how on each I'm going to explain this to a nine year old.

"So, what your mom gets is called a migraine, and there isn't an easy answer. Are you sure you want Dr Shepherd and not Amelia?"

"I'm sure. I want to understand."

"Okay, so when there isn't one simple cause so we look to something called a diathesis stress model. This is when you need a biological thing, something we are born with, and you need something in the environment to make the illness happen. So until the thing in the environment happens, the person will never show signs of the illness.

Some doctors think that the biological difference is that there is a chemical difference in your brain. But some doctors think its a different gene. But these differences don't mean anything unless they're triggered by something in the environment. So it might be sleeping patterns, or stress, or a certain type of food that your mom ate. And if she has the trigger and the biological at the same time, then she gets a migraine. Does that make sense or is it too sciency?" I make sure to check at the end, knowing that I may have gone into a little bit too much detail.

"I think it makes sense. What is my Mom's trigger?"

"I don't know honey. Maybe she does and we can ask her when she's feeling better."

"Do you think the biological thingy is genes or chemicals?" Sofia asks me and I smile knowing she has actually understood what I was telling her.

"I think it's a bit of both. Some people might have different chemicals and others might have different genes, or sometimes having the different genes may cause the chemicals to be different."

"I think you're right and those other doctors should listen to you. You're the best brain doctor ever!"

"I'm not sure about that… but I am pretty good." I say with a grin which makes Sofia laugh.

It's rare that Sofia and I have this time to spend together, time to really get to know each other. Despite living with her for the last six months, I will feel like I'm learning more every day. She is growing up so quickly and I wish that I would have been here to see her grow and learn, I wish I could be a part of her life for all the years that I missed, but if I were, I would never have had Christopher. I wouldn't have loved and lost so much. My appreciation of what I have right now would be so much lesser. It's only now that I've really come to realise how much my past has shaped where I am now.

Having both eaten, I pay the bill and we make our way out of the restaurant. Despite being old enough to walk sensibly on her own, Sofia has opted to hold my hand as we walk.

"Melia, are you going to live with me and my Mom forever?" Sofia asks me as we are getting into the car.

"I mean, I can't see the future, but I hope so. I really like living with you guys. Is that okay?" I ask, suddenly worried that Sofia may not actually want this situation.

"Yeah, I just-" she begins but stops to think about her words before continuing. "I already have two Mom's." Sofia says and my heart sinks in my chest.

"I'm not trying to replace either of your Mom's Sof, I'm more than happy to just be Amelia."

"I know, it's not that. I just, I don't know what to call you. You act like you're my Mom, and I like it, it's just confusing."

"What do you mean you don't know what to call me? You know my name."

"But everyone else calls you Amelia. Zola, Bailey and Ellis call you Auntie Melia. And I can't call you Mom or Mama because I already have those and now I don't know what to call you." Sofia explains loudly clearly showing how much she has thought about this before. I feel tears burning in my eyes, but they're happy tears. Sofia has basically just told me I'm another mother to her, and despite the initial confusion due to her choice of words, I find myself falling more in love with her which I didn't even think was possible.

"What about Amy." I state and Sofia gives me a puzzled glance "Your Mom is the only one who calls me Amy, and I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing if you wanted." I offer, thinking back to a time when Derek was the only person allowed to call me that.

"Amy, I think I like it." Sofia says with a grin and I lean over the seats for a cuddle. This is a huge moment for me and I'm trying really hard not to cry.

"Great. Now that that's sorted, we need to get some Popsicles for your Mom and then head back home. Sound good?"

We take it slow as we walk around the store as I want to give Arizona as much time alone as she needs. Sofia still hasn't taken her hand out of mine, not that I'm complaining, I love having her by my side. She's my daughter. We get the basic groceries, knowing we are getting low anyway and Sofia sees a tshirt she really likes so I give in and offer to buy it which made her extremely happy. We collect Arizona's two favourite types of popsicles because Sofia can't remember which of the two she prefers and we figure it's better safe than sorry.

When we arrive home, I can see the lights are off in our bedroom. I deliver a popsicle and Arizona tries to get out of bed to come spend time with us but I see her squinting in pain.

"Stay here, it's fine. Sofia and I are fine. Try to rest and let me know if you need anything." I tell Arizona and I expect her to fight back, but to my surprise she doesn't, she just flops back down into bed. "Do you want me to shut the door?" I offer on the way out.

"Please. When Sofia has gone to bed can you come back here for the evening?"

"Of course."

When I head back through to check on Sofia, she has her maths book open on the kitchen table.

"Mel- I mean Amy, can you help me with my fractions?" She acts and I smile at her remembering to change my name.

"Sure, let me see." I say moving round to sit next to her. Looking at her paper to see the first sum. "2 3/5 x 2 1/2"

"Okay well with these ones, you need to multiply the big number by the denominator, then add that to the numerator. So if you do 2x5 what does that give?"

"10"

"and then whats 10 3?"

"13"

"So your final fraction is 13/5, so now you have to do the same with the other fraction before you can multiply them." I explain and she nods before looking at the second part of the question.

"So 2x2=4 and 41 is 5 so is the fraction 5/2?" Sofia asks me unsure whether she has done it correctly.

"Yeah it is. Well done. Do you remember how to multiply fractions?"

"Times the top numbers and then the bottom numbers and then simplify."

"So the bottom is…" I prompt her to figure out the sum.

"2x5 which is… 10." She states aloud, writing down her answer. "And the top is harder but I can do it don't tell me" Sofia instructs and I grin at how determined she is.

"So if 13x10 is 130 then I have to half it which is… 65?" Sofia asks as she counts the numbers out on her fingers.

"Perfect."

"Is that it?"

"Nope, we still have to simplify it, see." I explain pointing to the question. "So for 65 and 10, which number can both divide by."

"5?"

"Yep, so divide them both by 5 and you get?" I ask and I can see her counting out the numbers on her hands.

"13/2 which is the same as 6 1/2."

"Amazing, well done! See I knew you could do it."

"Not on my own, you helped."

"That's fine, because you're going to do the next one on your own and I'm not going to help unless you're realllllyyyy stuck." I explain, drawing out my word which makes her laugh.

I sit and watch her through each step, making sure she doesn't go wrong. It takes her a little while but I can see she knows what she is doing.

"Is it 8/3 which is… 2 2/3 ?" Sofia asks hopefully looking up towards me.

"Yep. See, you just did that all on your own. I'm sure your teacher will be very impressed tomorrow."

"I think so too." She responds with a yawn.

"Okay monkey, shower then it's bedtime, you've worked hard today." I instruct and she nods again jumping up to put her homework away and go in the shower.

* * *

As the day comes to an end, I make my way towards Sofia's bedroom to say goodnight. I knock lightly before opening the door to see her sat up in bed with a book in her hands.

"Hey kiddo, it's time to go to sleep, you have school in the morning."

"Can I finish my chapter first?"

"How long has it got left?" I ask and she quickly flicks through a couple of pages.

"3 and a half pages. It'll only take me 5 minutes."

"Go on then, as long as you promise to put it down as soon as you're done okay?"

"I will, I promise. Goodnight Amy, I love you."

"I love you too sweetie, sleep tight."

I do a quick check of the doors and windows making sure everything is closed before taking a bottle of water and some aspirin to my room for Arizona.

"Hey, how you feeling?" I ask quietly climbing into bed beside her.

"A little better. My head still hurts but a lot less pukey so I guess that's good." Arizona says, her eyes staying closed but she leans into my side. "How was your day?"

"My day was actually really good. I mean, I wish my girlfriend wasn't sick but it's been a pretty successful day." I smile to myself.

"Tell me about it."

"Three successful surgeries, one of which was an emergency. Nobody thought he would survive, but I was awesome, and he did. When I left he was awake and laid in bed talking to his daughter. I did that."

"That's amazing, I'm proud of you."

"That's not even the best part" I reply smugly, genuinely happy and wanting to share this news with my girlfriend.

"Hmm?"

"After we had eaten, Sofia basically told me I was like another Mom to her, but she didn't know what to call me. She already has a Mom, and a Mama. Then she said Mer's kids call me Melia and she wanted a name for herself."

"What did you say?"

"She is going to call me Amy from now on, like you do."

"And you're okay with that?" Arizona asks me, and I know why she has to check, it was what Derek called me, and I history of getting upset when others used the nickname.

"I love her, more than anything, and if her calling me Amy makes her feel more secure and happy about living arrangement then it's perfect. We are perfect."

"What did we do to deserve you?" She asks me pulling the blankets up over our heads, presumably to block out the light.

"I don't know. Take me in when I was lost, when I wasn't even sure I wanted to be alive anymore. You gave me a family that I trusted enough to share my pain and you made me want to get better. You did that, you gave me a home."

"You're going to make me cry and I'm already dehydrated enough from puking all day."

"Oh right, I brought you water and Aspirin, but you might want to come out from under the covers before taking those."

"Oh thank god I have a super smart doctor to keep me from spilling water all over myself." Arizona huffs and it's almost certain she is rolling her eyes at me despite the fact that all the lights are turned off and I can't see her face.

"Shut up. You think you'll be able to sleep for a bit or is your head still too bad?"

"I just want to snuggle and feel sorry for myself for a bit. You can sleep if you want, I'm just going to use you as a giant teddy bear."

"I'm up for some snuggle time, I'm not too tired. I could even feel sorry for you and we could have a double pity party if you want?"

"That sounds perfect."


	26. Chapter 26

So this is just a short chapter but a chapter nonetheless. Enjoy.

* * *

**Arizona POV**

I hate having to leave Sofia at daycare, especially because I know she would much rather be anywhere else. But alas, Meredith, Amelia and I are all working and it's a Saturday so no school so it's the only solution we have. At least Zola is there to keep Sofia occupied. When I take my lunch break I get some quick food at the cafeteria and head straight up to daycare to spend time with some of the kids.

When I get up there I see Amelia sat on a kids chair playing with both Zola and Ellis. They all look happy, enjoying the time they're spending together. It's only a few moments later I notice a lack of Sofia.

"Hey, how's your day?" Amelia asks me as she notices my existence.

"Where is Sofia?" I ask, totally skipping over her question but she just smiles and points towards the reading corner.

"Bailey's kindergarten teacher wanted him to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar as homework and Sofia offered to help him. I said I would do it but Bailey chose Sofia over me. By the looks of it they're almost finished." Amelia explains and I take in the sight before me. Sofia is so kind and caring, going slowly and helping him sound out the words together.

"That is precious. I remember reading that book to her when she was little, she's grown up so much."

"Yeah, that'll happen with kids, they do like to grow." Amelia replies sarcastically but I can tell that it's out of pure love.

Ellis is curled up in Amelia's arms, resting her head on Amelia's shoulder. Her tiny hands are playing with my girlfriends hair while she is babbling about something I don't totally understand. Amelia on the other hand, seems to know exactly what the young girl is talking about and continues their conversation.

"No baby, you can't come to work with me, but we can have cuddles later." She explains to the young girl so easily, stroking Ellis' hair out of her eyes as she starts to cry. "No crying Ellis! You're going to have fun with your brother and sister, and your mom should be here for a cuddle in about an hour." Amelia explains, checking her phone for the time. I can only assume Meredith has a surgery so will be coming up for a late lunch breaks. As the few stray tears on her nieces face begin to dry, Amelia stands up, still holding the young girl in her arms and she starts to sway with elicits some small laughs. Amelia continues dancing them around until a permanent smile appears on her face.

"Hey Ellis, do you want to know a secret?" I ask, standing up with them getting an excited nod from the young girl. "One of the great things about being a children's doctor, is i always have a lollipop in my pocket." I say pulling one out of the pocket in my jacket.

"What do you say?" Amelia prompts as the young girl takes the candy from my hand.

"Thank you Zona."

"Now that's covered, how is your day?" Amelia asks me again, putting Ellis down to go and play.

"Sorry. It was fine until I had to tell a long term patient's parents his cancer was back. He was doing so well, almost 2 years in remission."

"I'm sorry. How bad is it?"

"Only stage 2 but with kids things can change so quickly, I just hope we caught it early enough. How about you?"

"Woman with a brain tumor decided not to get it removed because she had nothing to live for. Her daughter was waiting outside the room." Amelia says sadly and despite her trying to hide it, I can tell the case had been difficult for her.

"Are you okay?" I ask placing a hand on my girlfriends arm but Sofia manages to sneak in between us, crawling into my lap.

"Will the lady die if she doesn't have surgery?" Sofia asks and we realise she must have overheard the conversation.

"Yeah, probably."

"Then why doesn't she have the surgery? Can't you make her have it?" she asks with child like innocence.

"I don't know sweetie but it's her choice. We can't make anybody have a surgery that they don't want." I explain carefully, knowing it's a difficult topic to understand and very cautious that there are other children around.

"Mom, if I get sick I want to have surgery, I want to get better." Sofia tells me simply and I pull her into my arms.

"I know baby. I know. I just wish everybody felt the same way."

We spend about another twenty minutes with the kids before telling them we have to go back to work. We still realistically have another fifteen minutes for ourselves but I can tell the case Amelia worked on had upset her and I wanted some time for us to talk it out, time to see it there I'd anything I can do to help. I take her hand and lead her to one of the on call room. It's the middle of the day so it's unsurprising that the room is empty.

"I just, I know I've been in dark places, but these kids, I could never imagine leaving them." Amelia starts without me even having to ask a question. "Her daughter was right there, and I had to tell her we decided not to operate. The daughter was distraught. I just don't get it."

"I don't either, but in her head, she must have a reason. We just have to help the patients we can."

"I know. I just couldn't help but think about Sof and Zola and Bailey and Ellis. When I thought I wanted to die, you reminded me of them and I knew I couldn't leave them here. They were my reasons to keep going."

"Do you have to see her again?"

"I referred her to psych, hopefully she will change her mind, but I don't think she will."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. There's nothing you can do." Amelia reassures me, and although I know she is right, I wish there was some other way I could help.

"How would you feel about a quiet night in tonight? Me, you and Sofia, you can pick the Disney movie and I'll order take out."

"I would love that, but I can't. I'm on babysitting duty for Mer. She is leaving straight from work to go to a conference to meet up with Cristina and Maggie is visiting her dad."

"We could join you, if you want?" I offer but Amelia shakes her head.

"Is it okay if I pass? Don't get me wrong, I love you and Sofia so much, but since I moved out I haven't had much quality time with them. I miss them."

"That's okay." I respond, respecting her choice but still a little sad she won't be with me.

"But tomorrow is supposed to be nice weather. We could take the kids to the park and spend the day together." She offers with a slight hint of a smile making its way through.

"That sounds great actually. I'll bring a picnic."

* * *

_So I'm really unsure whether I want Amelia to go to the police in future chapters. At this point it could go either way. I know the police wouldn't be able to do much this far on but it could lead to some answers... Or not. Anyways, is a police thing something you would like to read about or do you want me to avoid the topic? Please give me your thoughts because I really don't know. _


	27. Chapter 27

**Amelia POV**

Writing Amelia/Zola scenes is honestly one of my favourite things to do. I love their relationship and you're about to get a whole bundle of fluff.

Enjoy.

* * *

Despite not spending a lot of time with the kids recently, we all immediately fall back into our old routine. Zola is helping me prepare food to make spaghetti and meatballs while Bailey and Ellis are colouring at the table with disney playing in the background. Spaghetti is an all round favourite, the kids all love it and it's quick and easy to make which will give us much more time for chillaxing and bonding. I had offered Zola to join her brother and sister but instead she chose to help around the kitchen. She loves to cook, I have no idea where she got that from it definitely wasn't Derek or Meredith. Maybe her birth family had something to do with it, I'm not sure. Either way, Zola is 10 years old and can cook more meals than I can, not that it takes much.

Just as I'm about to start serving, I feel a tap on my side and turn around to see what is going on.

"Aunty Melia should I go lay the table?" Zola asks me before placing the chopping board in the sink.

"That would be great, thank you sweetie. Could you ask your brother and sister to put their colouring stuff away? Food will be ready in 2 minutes, I just need to plate it up." I ask getting the plates and cutlery out of their respective cupboards.

When I get to the table, Zola is just turning the music off which results in an immediate rebellion from Bailey and snuffles from Ellis.

"Woah guys, what's the big deal?" I ask nonchalantly, sitting down at the table.

"Mom makes us turn the music off to eat." Zola days sitting down but I can see Bailey getting more distressed.

"Bailey?"

"It was on my favourite song." My nephew explains with his bottom lip sticking out.

"Okay, well after dinner, we can start it again from the beginning, and then you can have first choice of games. How does that sound?" I reason and he nods his head but still hadn't begun to eat. "Okay, but you've got to be super sensible and eat all your dinner okay kiddo?"

"Okay Aunty Melia."

The rest of dinner passed fairly smoothly. Bailey talks about some new superhero comic he found. I'm almost certain he had no idea what the story was but he must have made some assumptions from the artwork. Then again, all I know about comic books is what Derek would talk about when he was younger, and none of that ever really interested me. I find myself wondering about the conversations Derek and Bailey could have had about such topics if the universe hadn't been so cruel.

"Auntie Melia, are you okay?" Zola asks, touching slightly on the sleeve of my shirt.

"Yeah I'm fine Zozo. I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"Your Dad. He loved comic books, maybe even more than Bailey. He would have loved to talk superhero's with you." I say, directing the last part towards my nephew.

"Who was his favourite superhero? Was it Hulk like mine?" Bailey asks, suddenly very intrigued by the conversation.

"No, I mean, I'm sure he liked Hulk, but his favourite had to be either Iron man or Thor. He talked about those two all the time." I explain and Bailey takes a few moments to think before replying.

"I like Iron man and Thor too, but I still think Hulk is best."

As I load the dishes into the dishwasher, I quickly check my phone to see a message from Arizona.

_"Apartment is quiet without you. Call me when the kids are in bed? X"__"Will do. I love you. X"_

I respond, putting my phone away to make sure the kids are okay. It's unusually silent as I head through to the living room.

By the looks of it, Bailey has dragged out every board game we own in order to choose which to play first.

"Can we play this one?" Bailey asks pulling operation out of the pile.

"I think Ellis might find that a bit tricky. Why don't we play one Ellis can do, then after she is in bed we can play operation." I suggest, knowing that the young girl is getting tired and will probably only last through one game. Bailey agrees and Zola suggests snakes and ladders. When I agree the kids get the board out laying it carefully on the ground.

"Hey Ellis, you want to be on my team?" I offer, holding my arms out for the girl. I expect a fight but she scurries over to sit on my lap. I flinch slightly at the contact with my thighs but I don't have any open cuts so it doesn't hurt, but the contact is just strange.

Ellis rolls the dice for our team and I move the counter while she helps count the places. The game doesn't take too long, but it's enough time to let the kids unwind.

"Okay Ellis, its our turn to roll." I tell the tone girl sat on my knee. If we get 4 or more we have won the game. But I do not get a response from the young girl, instead I get giggles from Bailey and Zola. "What's funny?"

"Ellis is asleep" Bailey giggles and I reposition to see he is telling the truth. I make my last roll seeing a 2 on the dice. Bailey and Zola are 1 and 3 away from the finish line respectively, so there is no chance I will win the game. I carefully get up holding the young girl in my arms, telling Bailey and Zola I'll be back soon, I'm going to get their sister into bed.

I lay my niece down on the bed, carefully removing her clothes and replacing them with pyjamas. It's always surprising to me how deeply kids can sleep. My mom always said that Derek was a good sleeper, that it only took him about a month before he started to sleep through the night. Ellis must have inherited that trait. With her tucked up safe in bed I send a picture to Meredith, letting her know that she is safe and sound asleep. It's something I promised mer I would do, she hates leaving the kids overnight, especially if it's further than the hospital. I kiss her on the head and turn the lights out.

"Sleep tight Ellis."

"Okay kiddo's, what are we playing next?" I ask as I walk down the stairs and I can see Bailey has already opened the box for operation while Zola is struggling to get the last game back into its box. She is such a great help in looking her younger brother and sister, especially since Derek died. She never seems to complain, but sometimes I worry that she is turning into another parent to them. I worry she is losing her childhood, much like Derek did when he chose to look after me. I know it's not the same, Meredith is an amazing Mom, and they have Maggie and myself to help out, but the similarly is remarkable. She is so grown up at a time when she still has so many more choices and mistakes to make. She needs to be a kid, and I'm going to help with that.

I take the box away from my niece, quickly putting the pieces back before helping Bailey set up operation. Zola informs me that there are rules for different ages, so if Bailey gets the piece out and the machine buzzes twice then he fails, for herself it's only allowed to buzz once but for me it isn't allowed to buzz at all.

"Isn't that a little unfair?" I joke, willing to play by her rules but purposefully making a bigger deal out of the situation than is necessary.

"No that's how mom plays. Mom said Bailey is still learning but I'm getting better and if you're a surgeon you should be an expert."

"But I haven't played since I was your age."

"Aunty Melia, you cut into brains and keep people alive at work, this should be easy for you." Zola replies sternly and I have no argument. She wins.

"Okay, we can play with your rules. Who goes first?"

So it turns out operation isn't as easy as I expected, but after a few goes I get the hang of it and take several pieces in a row out perfectly.

"Aunty Melia how do you do that?" Zola asks in shock.

"Hey, you're the one that said surgeons should be experts." I joke but make sure to bodge my next turn to give the kids a chance. "And a neurosurgeon is the most precise in their technique, it's so much more complicated."

"Does that mean your job is harder than Mom's?" Bailey asks and I can see how this could lead to more issues.

"Not necessarily. Because even though the brain and spine are the most complicated and dangerous things to operate on, your mom has to learn about all of the other organs. When she gets a patient there could be so many different things wrong with different body parts."

"Really?"

"Yep, but your mom does know quite a lot about brains too. She almost because a neurosurgeon before she decided to do general surgery?"

"Why did she change her mind?"

"Because your Dad was a brain surgeon, and she wanted to do something different. They lived together and worked together and sometimes you need time apart to realise how much you love somebody. And then it turned out your Mom was amazing at general surgery and has helped so many people." I explain as best I can. Honestly, I feel like I am bullshitting my way through this conversation but the kids seem content with my response.

When I had beaten both Bailey and Zola in a game of operation I inform Bailey it's time for bed. Although he didn't seem thrilled at the idea, the idea of a bedtime story seemed to convince him to go brush his teeth.

"Zola honey, do you want to find something else for us to do when I get back?" I ask, presuming she will want to get her choice of game after we played games that I know wouldn't be her first choice in order to keep her siblings happy. She just nods simply and I follow Bailey to the bathroom, making sure he brushes properly.

Bailey fell asleep about 5 minutes into his story, but I keep reading, just until I know he's going to stay that way. When the book is done, I make my way out of the room, repeating the process of sending a picture to Meredith.

Zola is just sat on the couch when I get back to the living room. She has put the games away and seems to be staring into the middle of nowhere.

"No game Zozo? You feeling alright?"

"Yeah, I just don't feel like playing another game. Can we just sit and watch a movie or talk or something?" She asks and I smile.

"Chill time sounds good. Why don't I go grab a blanket and we can get comfy." I offer and she nods in agreement.

Blanket in hand, I head back to the couch, pulling Zola into my side and covering us both with the blanket.

"I've missed out snuggle time y'know." I tell her honestly. Since I moved out I've had plenty of snuggle time with Arizona and Sofia, but it's not the same. Although it's not biological, I see so much of Derek in Zola. His mannerisms and attitudes to life live on through her and I love the time we spend like this.

"Do you love Arizona and Sofia more than us?" Zola asks timidly and I cup her face with my hand.

"Of course not, I love you all equally. Why would you think that?"

"You left us to live with them and we don't see you much anymore." The young girl says with tears in her eyes and I feel suddenly guilty for not realising how much she was hurting. I pull her even closer into my side, wrapping my arms around her

"Zola baby, I love you so, so much. Sure I love Arizona and Sofia too but you mean everything to me. Even if I don't live here anymore. If you miss me then you can always call me okay, or text me from your Mom's phone. Then I can come here or you can come to see me and Arizona and Sofia, or we can just go out somewhere. Don't ever think that I don't love you because I left okay?"

"I know, I just miss you. You talk about Dad."

"I know you miss him. I do too, every day."

"I'm scared I'm going to forget him." Zola admits quietly and I realise what the conversation is really about. I try to talk about Derek, when I'm with the kids. I noticed that Meredith doesn't too much, I guess it's her way of coping, but I need to talk about my feelings. Without me in the house regularly talking about Derek, Zola is beginning to forget.

"You're never going to forget your Dad Zozo, I promise. Some of the memories may fade but you'll always remember your dad."

"How do you know?" Zola asks still snuffling, and I take a deep breath knowing what I have to do.

"Because my Dad died when I was five. Me and your Dad were there but we couldn't stop it happening. Even though I don't have many memories of my Dad, I know I loved him and he loved me. I've never forgotten that."

"How do you keep remembering?"

"At first your Dad helped me, and made sure to talking about him, and eventually I just couldn't forget, no matter what happens. You're a lot like your Dad y'know."

"How?"

"When my dad died, your dad made sure to look after me, to help my mom in every way anybody could think of. He acted more like a grown up than any of the kids his own age. You do the same to look after Ellis and Bailey, to help your Mom."

"Do you think he would be proud of me? Zola asks me and I nod my head, reaching out to wipe her tears.

"I know he would be. You're amazing Zozo, but you're just a kid. Nobody expects you to be an adult all the time."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, whenever you need a break, I want you to call me okay? And we can do something fun. Me and you alone, or sometimes Sofia and Arizona might join if you want. But you need time to relax too. You deserve a childhood. Your dad didn't get to finish his childhood because of me, I'm not going to let you do the same okay?"

"It's not your fault, I think Dad just did what he had to do. You didn't make your dad die Aunty Melia."

"When did you get so smart huh?" I ask ruffling her hair and planting a kiss on her forehead.

"Do you still miss your dad?"

"Every single day. But things get better Zozo. I promise, things get better."

Zola's tears gradually begin to subdue and I just lay with her in my arms. We have some animated film going on in the background, that isn't very interesting but it's light and easy.

"Aunty Melia, can I ask you a question? You and Zona love each other like my mom loved my dad right?"

"Yeah sweetie, we do. What about it?"

"I don't understand it."

"What don't you understand?" I ask to clarify. I know Zola would never mean anything in a offensive way, so there is probably a literal explanation as to what it is she wants to know.

"Well I know a man and woman have S-E-X when they're in love so they can have a baby." She explains, spelling sex letter by letter rather than saying the full word, much like we used to around the house when Ellis and Bailey were around.

"It's just us here kiddo, you can say sex, it's not a bad word." I explain carefully before nodding at her to continue.

"But how does it work with two girls? I don't understand." Zola further explains, she shows a little discomfort at the topic of conversation but isn't afraid to ask questions. Sex isnt a topic we have ever particularly tried to hide from the kids, and surely enough she had developed a reasonable level of understanding. But until I met Arizona, all relationships in this house were heterosexual which must have raised some misunderstandings.

"There isn't just one way to have sex, and yes, sex is traditionally about making babies, but that's not all its for. It's a way to get closer to somebody you trust, making relationships stronger. And it can feel really good." I continue with a subtle smile, careful not to push the conversation too far or laugh at her questions. I love that she feels safe enough to talk about these things with me and I wouldn't want to do anything that could jeopardise that.

"How that that feel good?" The young girl asks with a grimace, slightly disturbed by the thoughts in her head.

"Because when you have sex your brain releases neurotransmitters, like seratonin and oxytocin and dopamine. Do you remember what those are?"

"Serotonin is the happy one and dopamine is the pleasure one. What's the other one?"

"Oxytocin. It's the love neurotransmitter. When it's released you fall even more in love." I add. I have been teaching her about the brain whenever she asks, careful not to force the information on her, but I can tell its something she is interested in, beyond the normal amount.

"Okay but how?" Zola asks and I give her a questioning gaze.

"I thought you knew how neurotransmitters worked?"

"Not that. How do two girls have sex?" She asks, her voice getting quieter as she finishes her sentence.

"Well, girls don't have penis', but there are other things we can do to get the same effect. We can use our fingers, or our mouths, or there are special toys you can buy. And there are other places with sensitive nerves, you don't have to put anything inside to get pleasure."

"People use their mouths?" My niece asks, her face showing a mixture of surprise and disgust. "That's gross."

"Some people think so. Some people think it's good. When you're older, and I mean much older, you can decide for yourself."

"Don't worry Aunty Melia. I don't want to have sex with boys or girls." Zola says with such certainty and I can see there is still a little girl hiding in her overly mature mind.

"I'm glad. But in a long time, if you ever do want to and think your ready to, you know you can talk to me first right? Just so we can make sure you're safe." I add, not wanting to get into the topic of unsafe sex but knowing it's important to talk about. I wasn't planning on giving Zola a sex talk tonight but I'm glad it happened. She has clearly had a lot of questions building up for a while.

Despite myself finding this topic of conversation fairly awkward, I make sure not to steer away from it incase Zola has any more questions. If she doesn't, I'm sure she will find away to change the topic.

"Do you and Zona have sex?" Zola asks and I cough at the sudden personal question. She caught me off guard with that one and it takes me a moment to process. "Aunty Melia?"

"Yes we do."

"Why do you have sex with girls?" Her questions now getting more thought provoking.

"Well, I love Arizona, and I think she is really pretty and I know she loves me back and I trust her."

"Do you have sex with boys?"

"Not currently, because I'm with Arizona and we are happy, but I have before yes."

"Did you love the boys?" Okay, now I feel like this is turning into more of an interrogation than it is bonding time.

"One of them I did. The others I don't know."

"Do I know him?"

"No. He died when you were little." I say thinking about Ryan.

"How?"

"He had a disease, but I don't really want to talk about him. It makes me sad." I explain briefly. Addiction is a disease, I didn't lie, but I'm not ready for Zola to know all of the issues of my past. After all, she is only 10.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You didn't know, and it was a long time ago. Come on, it's getting late. You're already up an hour later than you're supposed to be."

"But I have more questions."

"You can ask me tomorrow, I will always be here to try to answer all your questions, but you've yawned twice in the last minute. You're tired, and so am I."

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Zola asks timidly and I can tell she is feeling fragile.

"Sure thing kiddo. Go brush your teeth and get your PJs on. I promised Arizona I would call her to say goodnight."

I decide to send a text before calling. It is 10:30pm and I wouldn't be surprised if she had fallen asleep.

"Hey, you still awake? x"

But instead of replying to my message I see her face flash up on my screen and I swipe to answer her call.

"Hey, sorry it got late. Zola is having a tough time so bonding time was necessary."

"It's fine, is she okay?" Arizona asks in a concerned voice.

"She will be. She misses Derek and she isn't dealing great. Apparently since I moved out she has had a lot of big feelings she hasn't been able to release. I talk to you about it in more tomorrow."

"Poor thing. I'm glad you're able to spend time with her though. She must have needed that."

"Have you had a sex talk with Sofia yet?" I ask, totally side tracking the conversation.

"No, she is only nine and we haven't really had a reason to. Why?"

"Zola has been aware of the concept for a while, we never really hid it from her, but she bombarded me with Sex Ed questions tonight. She wanted to know the biology of lesbian sex."

"And what did you tell her?"

"Well I explained that sex wasn't just for making babies and that it's also pleasurable and about trust, but then she started asking about how it physically works. I gave her the basics, telling her you can use fingers or mouths or special toys for the same effect and that everybody enjoys different things. I also told her she is way too young to be having sex, and thank god she agrees. I am going to have to tell Meredith about this though which is going to be awkward."

"How did she take it?"

"Well, the idea of sex is still gross to her, so I guess we still have a little time before we start to worry about anything more."

"So other than having an extremely awkward conversation, are you okay? You haven't slept alone in a long time."

"And I'm not going to tonight. Zola asked if she could sleep in my bed and I couldn't say no to her."

"What about your nightmares?"

"I'll deal with it if I have to. I know I can call you if I need anything."

"I'm proud of you, y'know. This time 6 months ago, the idea of sharing your bed with Zola would have totally freaked you out. I'm so proud. "

"I,uh, thanks. I think. I'm going to try and get a bit of sleep. You have your phone on loud right?"

"Yep, as promised. I love you Amelia, I'll see you tomorrow."

"I love you too. Good night Az."

I quickly get changed before Zola is finished in the bathroom. I make sure to wear leggings that cover my legs fully and I out on a loose t-shirt. Arizona is right, I'm am scared I will get a nightmare with Zola in the room, but I know she is old enough to deal with it if I do. Just as I'm climbing into bed, my niece comes into my room. I pull the duvet down and pat the bed, telling her to come over and join me.

"You okay?" I ask her as she drags the blanket up to cover herself and get warm.

"Yeah. Can I text mom to say good night?"

"Sure" I agree passing her my phone.

"Why did you sent pictures of sleeping Bailey and Ellis to my mom?" Zola asks seeing the previous messages in the conversation.

"Because she misses you when she goes away and pictures let her know you're safe."

"Can we take a photo of us to send to mom?" She asks innocently and I nod, I love how much empathy and understanding of others feelings Zola has. She opens the camera and I pull her into my side, smiling for the photo. Once she has sent it to Mer with a caption saying goodnight, I get a proper look at the photo.

"Zozo, I think this is my new phone wallpaper…

What do you think?"

"Yeah. I like it. That way you think of us whenever you open your phone."

I change my phone wallpaper before putting my phone down and turning off the lap beside my bed,

"Sleep tight kiddo, I love you."

"Love you too Aunty Melia."


	28. Chapter 28

So sorry it took so long for me to update. I have a weird health condition and one thing lead to another and next thing I know it's been over a month. Anyways, here is a 5k chapter to make up for it :)

**Zola POV**

I wake up because I hear a strange noise. Normally when this happens, the noise is coming from Ellis and I can talk to her until she falls back asleep but this time is different. Aunty Melia is making strange noises. I sit up to look at her and I can see she is still asleep, but she is crying and she looks scared. I'm not sure what to do because when my mom used to have bad dreams, she didn't like it when I woke her up, but mom never looked so scared either. I pick up my Aunts phone and look at the time, it's 6:30 am and my Mom should be awake by now because of the time difference. I find her name in contacts and click the call button.

"Amelia its really early, are the kids alright?" I hear my Mom say down the phone.

"Mom I think Aunty Melia is having a bad dream and I don't know what to do. She is crying in her sleep." I explain and I hear her exhale lightly down the phone.

"It's okay Zozo, you did a good job calling me. Are you okay?" She asks me softly.

"Yeah I just don't know what to do. I wake Bailey if he has bad dreams but I don't wake you when you have one. I don't know whether she wants to be awake."

"Okay sweetie. I want you to stay on the phone to me and wake her up okay, but make sure not to touch her, wake her up with your voice. Talk to her until she wakes up okay?"

"Okay then what?" I ask, wanting to make sure I know what I'm doing before I start. I don't like not having plans.

"When she is awake you need to ask her if she wants to talk to Arizona. If she does you need to hang up on me and call Arizona and give your Aunt her phone okay?"

"Okay."

"Then I want you to text me either on the spare phone in the drawer in the kitchen or on Amelia's phone okay?"

"Yeah I can do that."

I go to the kitchen to get the spare phone before waking my Aunt. I don't want to leave her when she is awake so I want to bring it with me incase I need to use it to text my Mom. When I walk back into Aunty Melia's room, she is crying more than she was before and mumbling something that doesn't really make sense. My mom is still on the phone, telling me it's okay and to wake her. She reminds me not to actually touch my Aunt which is strange but I do as I'm told.

"Aunty Melia, wake up." I say quietly but she doesn't stop mumbling. "Aunty Melia, it's a bad dream you need to wake up. Aunty Melia, wake up" I say gradually getting louder. I see her eyes open quickly as she sits herself up and looks around the room. "Do you want me hang up on mom to call Arizona?" I offer like I had been told to do. But she shakes her head, pulling her knees up to her body rocking backward and forward. I'm scared, I have never seen her like this before. She is normally happy and relaxed. She let's me and Bailey stay up past bedtime and doesn't have as many rules as my mom. But she is the opposite of relaxed right now, her muscles are so tensed and she is shaking.

I tell my Mom what is happening and my Aunt realises I'm still on the phone so she reaches out to take it from me.

"Mer?" My Aunt asks down the phone, wiping her eyes with the back of her other hand. She is still breathing quickly but she seems to be crying less.

"I'll be okay. We are okay." My aunt says between stutters. "Zola is okay. She woke me up. I'm going to. I'm sorry." Aunty Melia says to my mom and I'm super confused. I don't know what she is apologising for, she shouldn't be apologising for having a bad dream, you can't help it. "Bye." My Aunt finishes before hanging up the phone.

"Aunty Melia, do you want me to call Zona for you?" I ask, still staying away from her like my Mom told me to.

"I'm okay Zozo. I'm getting up, you should go back to sleep." She tells me but I shake my head. I don't want to leave her on her own.

"When Dad died I had nightmares and they were worse when I was on my own. Mom let me sleep in her bed to help make it better." I explain and I can still see her shaking. I wish my mom was here, or Zona. This is scaring me. Aunty Melia is always happy when she comes round to see us, but right now she seems like a different person. I don't like it.

**Amelia POV**

"I'm sorry Zola. You shouldn't have had to deal with that. I shouldn't have let you stay in here last night." I say to her, trying to keep myself from panicking. I'm at a point where this could either clear up or get significantly worse and I don't want my niece to see that.

"You didn't know this was going to happen, you can't control your dreams. It's not your fault." Zola says quietly and I nod. She is partially right, it isn't my fault, but I did know this would happen. I mean, I hoped it wouldn't but logically I knew it would. I have nightmares every night. I'm guess I'm just lucky she only woke up the last time when it was almost morning.

"You can come sit on the bed, it's okay." I explain to her as she stands a meter away from me at all times. I must have scared her in my sleep. I hate that I did this. Zola slowly makes her way to the bed and sits down, still keeping her space. "I'm not going to bite you know. You can come closer."

"Mom said I shouldn't touch you." She explains and I nod.

"I'm okay now though. Your mom just meant not to touch me while I was scared."

"Why wasn't I allowed?" Zola asks carefully. She shuffles back to sit next to me but still limits contact.

"Because I don't want to hurt you. Sometimes when people are scared or don't know what's happening they hurt people by accident." I explain and she just nods sadly. I am internally terrified right now. I feel nauseous, my skin is crawling and I want nothing more than to lock myself in the bathroom with my blade but I know I can't. I have Zola to consider.

I take Zola's hand in my own to show her that I am okay, that I'm not going to spontaneously combust or whatever she is worrying about with contact.

"See. I'm okay. I'm sorry I scared you." I say calmly, still unable to look at her face.

"I know. Why were you crying?" Zola asks carefully, and I know I try to always tell her the truth, but I know this isn't a conversation I can have with her. Just last night I was explaining she needs to be a kid. I can't put more on her plate.

"Because I dreamt about something bad that happened. I don't really want to talk about it but I'm okay."

"You should call Zona, Aunty Melia. She makes you happy."

"I already texted her. She will call me when she wakes up." I confirm. I can't believe I have gotten myself into this situation.

"I was scared Aunty Melia. I didn't know what to do." Zola tells me and I feel unbelievable amounts of guilt. I hate that I made her feel this way.

"I know and I'm sorry. You did perfectly Zozo, you were so good." I compliment.

"Can I have a cuddle?" She asks and I can see how shook up about the situation she is. Physical contact is the last thing I want right now but I know it's what my niece needs. I open my arms to let her crawl into and she rests her head on my chest.

"I'm really sorry Zozo. I never wanted you to deal with this."

**Arizona POV**

It's strange waking up without Amelia by my side. I roll over expecting to see her face until I remember she didn't sleep here last night. I reach over to my bedside cabinet to pick up my phone to see messages from Amelia and Meredith. I expected to have messages from my girlfriend but I wasn't expecting to get one from Mer. The message reads:

**"Zola just called me and woke me because Amelia was having a nightmare. I talked her through how to wake her up carefully and then I spoke to Amelia. She said she would call you but didn't sound convincing. When you wake up could you check everything is okay with her and the kids please? "**

I shuffle back to sit against the headboard of the bed. I then open my message from Amelia. I am annoyed she didn't call me like she told her sister she would but the messages were only received a little over half an hour ago so I know she hasn't been alone for too long. I open the message from Amelia to see:

**Call me when you wake up. I'm okay, don't worry x**

Her message seems so calm considering the situation and I know she wouldn't want to panic me, but I'm glad Meredith gave me a fuller picture. Instead of replying to her message I click dial and call her instead.

When the phone is answered I expect it to be Amelia, but instead I get Zola. She said that Amelia is in the shower. When I ask a few questions, Zola insists that they're all okay and that Amelia seemed much better than when she first woke up. I would be inclined to believe the girl but Amelia is showering. She doesn't shower this early on a morning out of choice. She prefers to wait until after the kids are up and have had breakfast so I presume she is hiding to cry or with get blade. I tell Zola to keep an eye on her brother and sister and that I'm thing to come round to make us all a special breakfast, that I will be there in half an hour.

I head to my daughters room, feeling guilty about waking her up this early but I'm surprised to see her already conscious with a book in her hands.

"Sofia baby, get dressed as quick as you can. We are going to go have breakfast with Amelia and Zola." I say, and at the sound of her best friends name she is up and getting dressed almost immediately. "I need to have a super quick shower and then we will go. Okay?"

"Yep. Can I bring my book?"

"Sure."

I wash and dress as quick as I can and 15 minutes later we are in the car and ready to go. I try not to panic, knowing that Sofia is here and would pick up on that, but I am extremely concerned about Amelia's well fair. I knew last night that her letting Zola sleep in her bed was a bad idea, but she insisted it would be okay. She must have had her reasons. When we get to the house, Zola is waiting. She has the door open before I have chance to knock. When she let's us in Sofia and herself immediately run away to play in the living room.

"I'm going to have a talk with Amelia then I'll make breakfast." I tell the girls and they just nod acceptingly.

I check the bathroom first but Amelia isn't in there. There is water in the tub so I know she has showered but must have left recently. I head to her old bedroom, presuming she will have slept in there. If I hadn't have heard her snuffles, I wouldn't have known she was in here. The bed is empty and she isn't in sight but I can hear her. I walk around the bed to see her sitting on the floor with her knees tucked up and her head resting on them.

"Amy what do you need?" I ask, sitting down about a foot away but she doesn't reply. "Amy, look at me." I say with a bit more clarity in my voice. She lifts her head slowly and her face is bright red from crying. I open my arms and she collapses into my embrace. I pull her as close as I can and just rock her gently until the crying has subdued.

"You're okay. You're doing so well." I say quietly in her ear. "Do any of the cuts need checking?" I follow up and she just stops and stares blankly.

"I didn't." Amelia says and I give her a moment because she looks like she is going to continue. "I didn't cut. I just, didn't."

"This is huge Amy! I'm so proud of you." I exclaim and her blank expression gradually turns into a small smile.

"I didn't cut." She repeats, this time with more confidence in her voice.

"Come on. Get up." I say pulling myself up from the ground, using the bed to steady myself until my prosthetic is safely planted on the ground. I reach out my hand for Amelia to take and I pull her up to join me. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her on the cheek. "I love you so much, and I'm so proud of you."

"I need to speak to Zola. We had a conversation last night, and what happened this morning doesn't really help what we spoke about."

"Okay. Well I'm going to make waffles. It's a tradition that when Sof is having a bad day, she gets waffles, and I thought it would work for Zola too. Could you walk round to the corner store for some fruit to go on them? It'll give you and Zola time to talk." I suggest and she just nods.

"Can I have just one more minute of hugs first though?"

"Always."

Sofia keeps Bailey and Ellis entertained while I make food. I'm glad they have all the ingredients to make a waffle batter because I hadn't thought about that before hand, I just brought the waffle iron. I'm worried about Zola. What Amelia said last night and then what happened this morning, it's a lot. While they're out I make sure to call Meredith, give her an update on the situation and let her know everybody is okay. I can't imagine how worried she must have been receiving such a phone call from Zola this morning.

Just as I put down the phone from talking to Meredith, Amelia and Zola walk through the door hand in hand.

"Smells good. Do you want the fruit preparing?" Amelia offers while Zola grabs the place mats to lay the table. I pass her a chopping board and she gets a knife before moving to stand next to me.

"Are you both okay?" I ask quietly, careful that none of the kids are around to over hear.

"She is. I'm getting there. I'm still worried about her though."

"I thought you said she was okay?" I question, feeling like I'm not fully following her train of thought.

"She is fine, she dealt with things this morning and she was a little scared. But she is fine. I thought she would want to talk more about it when we went out but she actually had more sex related questions. I have no idea where they're all coming from."

"Well I can't imagine that's the most comfortable topic to talk about, but curiosity is natural." I explain, trying to stay as neutral as I can but Amelia shakes her head.

"I know. I actually don't mind, I'm the cool Aunt with whom it's slightly less awkward to talk about these things with."

"But then why are you worried about her?"

"I'm worried she is losing her childhood. She is too much like Derek."

"I'm not following." I say wanting more context before I respond.

"When my Dad died, it was the worst thing in the world for me, but I knew I would be okay because I had Derek. He did everything my dad was supposed to, and half the stuff my mom was supposed to. I was too young to really understand what was happening, but he put me first. He was 13 when dad died, and overnight he became an adult. As soon as I was old enough to realise that, it was too late. His childhood was gone. Zola is doing the same to look after Bailey and Ellis, but this time I'm in a place where I can help her. She needs time to just be a kid." She explains, I can see she is tearing up at the concept and it feels like something she wouldn't usually talk about.

"You're an amazing Aunt, you know that? And Zola is so lucky to have you watching out for her. If you ever need a hand to juggle things while you spend time with her I'd be happy to help out." I reply after careful consideration. I want her to know I support her, but also give her the space she needs to figure things out.

"Thank You**."**

**Amelia POV**

I didn't realise how much I needed that today. Although I'm physically exhausted from all that happened last night, watching the kids playing together in the park, seeing Zola and Sofia taking their time to let Bailey and Ellis join in with all their games and activities, it's like the two halves of my life truly combined this afternoon. I was with Arizona and her daughter, who may have only been in my life for a short time but who have done so much for me. And then it's like Derek is here too, within his kids. Bailey and Ellis carry his DNA, they look so much like him but Zola has all of his mannerisms. I'm surrounded by people I care so much about and I'm happy. Not just happy enough, but truly content with my life.

When the kids had had enough at the park we took Zola, Bailey and Ellis home, dropping them off with Maggie. I made sure to give Zola a big hug, reminding her to call me, whenever she needs a break. She promises she will, I just hope she follows through.

Sofia, Arizona and I spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing and having family time. I finally got around to teaching Sofia the recipe to my infamous fudge cake that Addison had told her about. I let Sofia do most of the work, only stepping in if she asked for help. She seemed to be enjoying herself and it gave us time to chat about the little things as a family. The kitchen was a huge mess but it was worth it. I'm pretty sure Arizona actually tried to get this much flour in my hair but the grin on her face was worth it. I love these guys so much, sometimes I think it's a little too much.

Once Sofia has gone to bed, Arizona and I sit on the couch, not really doing much, just relaxing and talking about our day. She is laid in my arms which opposes our usual positions but we are both comfortable. I like that things can switch up and I don't always feel like the vulnerable side of the relationship.

"You remember last month when I had a nightmare, and we stayed up talking in the middle of the night instead of sleeping?" I ask Arizona, still processing how I'm going to continue this conversation but knowing I've been thinking about it for a while and now is as good a time as any.

"Which time? When we talked about Derek or when we talked about sex?"

"Sex." I state dryly, still trying to work out how to talk about what I want to say.

"You asked if I'd ever slept with a guy. Then we talked about strap ons. What about it?" My girlfriend asks so openly, clearly not bothered by what I consider to be an awkward discussion point. It's at this moment I find myself extremely grateful that she can not see my face to see how much I am cringing.

"Then last week, you said that we could try, well… I could try to, y'know-"

"Touch yourself?" She finishes more for me.

"Yeah. That. I guess I've been thinking." I start but instead of asking what about, Arizona just stays quiet, giving me time to continue. "I want to try stuff, I think but I ehm, eurgh this is embarrassing." I trail off, burying my face in my hands. I feel Arizona change her position. Her hand gently wraps around my wrist as she pulls my hand away from my face. I can feel my cheeks getting flushed and the situation is awkward but I trust Arizona.

"Amy, babe, look at me. I love you, you don't need to be embarrassed about this it's perfectly normal." She replies without a hint of judgement in her voice.

"Maybe for you, but I'm only just getting used to the having sex part, never mind talking about it." I admit, fumbling with my hands.

"You said you think you want to try stuff. What do you have in mind?"

"I guess, I want to be comfortable with my own hands first, but I'm really not right now. I need you to help." I explain and she gives a small smile. My cheeks must be a deep crimson this point but I try to continue. "I guess I'm also curious about other methods, I definitely don't want to go straight for a strap on or anything I need time to get used to the idea of things that aren't you touching me down there. But then I started thinking I actually have no idea what other options there are and my brain started spinning and then life happened and now I think I'm more confused than I was to start with." I finish, realising how much I had just rambled about and Arizona just has a big grin on her face.

"What?" I ask my girlfriend, starting to be creeped out by her smirk.

"I'm proud of you. I know that wasn't easy." She says, still smiling but I feel just as lost as I did before.

"I'm sorry I'm not good at talking about stuff like this." I say with a small voice.

"I think you're better than you give yourself credit for. You just opened up, told me about your wants and your fears and now we can do something about it." Arizona says before holding out her hand for me to take. "Come with me."

My girlfriend leads the way to our bedroom, telling me to sit down on the bed. I do as she says but am more curious to see what she is looking for. She opens the wardrobe and reaches up to a box on the top shelf. It's about shoebox sized, black with silver edges I give her a questioning gaze. She brings the box over, opening it before quietly emptying the contents on the bed. I presumed Arizona owned some sex toys, but I hadn't considered quite how many. It's not like she has a collection of rainbow dildos or anything, it's nothing like that at all. The box held about 10 items of varying types. I look at the contents realising I only know what about half of these things are and that I have never used any of these things before.

"Wow… I ehm, I don't know what to say here."

"You don't have to say anything. I'm just showing you what I have. It's a variety, so if and when you decide you want to try something, we can go through it together and decide what to use. Sex is supposed to be fun, and we love each other so whatever happens, it's going to be okay."

"Can we erm, put those away, for now. Please?" I plead with an awkward grin.

"Of course. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you more." Arizona says, quickly packing the box up and placing it at the end of the bed. "Just so you know, you don't need to be shy with me okay? I see you, all of you, and you're perfect." She continues, sitting up before learning in to kiss me. Thanks to our awkward positions, Arizona topples on top of me interrupting out little make out session. She goes to pull away, to get up, but instead I just cup her face pulling her back in towards me.

"This okay?" I ask her before continuing?

"Amazing."

I take my hand from the back of Arizona's neck and move it to join the other at the base of her back. I slowly pull the lining of her shirt up over her head taking my time to take in all of the freshly exposed flesh. I trace my fingers up her sides before bring her in to kiss me again but she stops me.

"Take your shirt off first, then we don't have to stop kissing when I want it gone." She explains and I roll my eyes at her but find myself complying anyway.

"Very efficient of you. Can we continue now?" I ask, but I don't have time to finish my question as her lips are back on mine. Gently but a gradually quickening pace. Her lips leave my own and begin kissing down my neck. She catches a certain spot and I feel like I'm going to crumble beneath her. Arizona notices my response and repeats her action, sucking and nipping gently around it. I feel my chest rise up towards her. "Az, please." I pant knowing my arousal and need is growing by the second.

"I'm getting there. Sit up a bit." My girlfriend commands and I feel her hands swiftly undoing my bra before descending further to unbutton my jeans.

I take a moment to study my girlfriend before pulling down her sweatpants.

"Amy wait."

"What's wrong?" I ask, suddenly concerned that she wanted to stop. Did I do something wrong? I can't think of anything.

"I'm fine, just leg first then sweat pants otherwise they're going to be totally tangled tomorrow. Just a second." She states, carefully removing her leg and the fabric sleeve that prevents blistering. "Now the sweatpants can go. You want to do it or can I?" Arizona asks sweetly.

"You can do it, but leave the panties, they're for me to take off." I instruct and she nods showing she understands.

It doesn't take long for Arizona to be back on top of me, her lips gently attacking my breasts, taking her time with each, making sure they get equal amounts of attention.

"Az please stop teasing. I need more." I beg and she pulls back to smirk before running her fingernails lightly down from my chest to him hips. The action causes me to shiver and goosebumps rise across my body. Her hands carefully sit of the edges of my panties when she gives me a questioning look.

"Can I take them off?" she asks.

"Yeah. It's okay. I'm okay." I say between heavy breaths, trying to reassure my girlfriend that I'm not going to break. Arizona clearly gets the message because in just a few swift movements, my panties are joining the rest of my clothes on the bedroom floor. My girlfriend lifts us up and pulls the blankets on top of us without me asking, knowing that I can feel self conscious and I just grin at the act, knowing how much she cares for me.

Her lips reattach to my own, this time a little more needy than before. She positions her legs with one between my own, gently rocking against me while we kiss. I unclip her bra and carefully remove it from her limbs as the make out session gets deeper. It doesn't take long for me to be fully turned on, small moans and pants becoming audible.

"Az, I need more. I need you. Please." I explain and she pulls away slowly. She grabs her cushion, placing it next to me before moving her amputated leg to let her balance comfortably as she straddles me. Her fingers quickly locate my clit and start running gentle circles. I'm already close at this attention just brings me closer to the edge, but not close enough. My hands grip the sheets and I push my head onto the pillows, trying to make the most of every touch, every movement.

"Amy look at me." Arizona says but she doesn't slow her movements. I force my eyes open, trying to look at her and I'm greeted by her other hand that cups my face gently. "Do you trust me?" Arizona continues and I nod my head yes, pleasure preventing me from properly forming words. She carefully moves my hand, pulling it gently away from the sheet, taking my index finger and placing it gently on my clit, replacing her fingers. Instead of letting go, she keeps hold of my hand, keeping the movements at her pace. "Is this okay?"

"Mmhm" I moan with a slight nod of my head.

"If you say stop, we stop okay?" Arizona makes sure to explain and I simply nod again.

"I-uh, I. Trust. You." I manage to say between breaths.

"I'm going to let go. Keep your finger moving, and keep looking at me okay. I love you."

I keep my finger moving at the same speed Arizona had set at she gently let's go off my wrist. I feel her hand close to my own as she circles where I want her most. She presses two fingers into me and my body jerks towards her. She must have noticed my movements stopping as she stops herself.

"Slow circles. You're doing amazing Amelia." She complements. "Keep your eyes on me, it's just us here." As I continue my movements, Arizona does too. Her fingers pumping into my, bending to catch my most sensitive areas. I keep my eyes glued to Arizona's as I'm getting close. She speeds up slightly, using her free hand to push my leg further towards my head, letting her reach new angles inside of me.

I come silently, uncontrollably. Arizona's fingers slowing their movements as I come back to reality. I try to sit myself up, swatting Arizona away, attempting to get out from underneath her. "I'm sorry. Was it too much?" Arizona asks, visibly concerned as she keeps her body away from my own.

"No. It was good. It's just, new. I can't believe I just did that."

"You did, I promise, I was there." Arizona jokes with a grin, moving back towards me under the blankets. I feel her arm snake around my stomach.

"Don't be a smart ass. You know what I meant." "I do. I'm proud of you. You sure you're okay?"

"I'm perfect. We are perfect."


	29. Chapter 29

Amelia POV

I'm sat alone in our apartment. Arizona has left to take Sofia to school, it shouldn't be long until she is back and then I have a therapy appointment. I sit staring at the diary that we had purchased, the thought diary my therapist had asked me to create and I think about the empty pages. I know what I'm supposed to be writing about, but I can't find the words. Writing has never been my strong suit, neither is expressing my emotions. Anne asked me to write 4 or 5 things I had done each day and how I felt when I did them, but I just can't seem to find where to start. I know it's supposed to help me in some way, but I can't seem to put thoughts down, I've hidden how I have felt for so long I wouldn't know where to start, how to start.

At some point while I have been lost in thought, Arizona has arrived home. She moves to sit next to me, gently placing a hand on my shoulder.

"You okay?" She asks softly, not pushing to hard to start a conversation but giving me the option to do if I want to.

"I haven't written anything in it." I explain picking up the diary.

"We have an hour before we leave if you still want to." Arizona suggests but I shake my head.

"It's not that I don't want to. I just can't"

"Why not?"

"I'm not good at putting my feelings into words. I just can't do it. I try but I can't. I don't know how. I've never been good at it."

"It doesn't matter if it isn't good. It's not like it's going to be graded or anything. Just a couple of sentences about what you did and how you felt."

"Az, I can't. I'm not lying, I just can't. Writing about my problems, it's just not who I am." I explain further and I can feel tears burning in my eyes.

"Hey it's okay. It's okay." Arizona says realising how much stress this is actually causing me. Instead she gives me her hand and I take it, holding it tight between my own.

I feel stupid. I know it's not that hard, I just can't seem to put the words on paper. I should be able to, but my brain just won't let me.

"I have a suggestion, if your willing to try it." My girlfriend suggests and I look towards her, nodding to tell her to continue. "Can I have the diary?" she continues and I pass it to her. She picks up the pen from the table and starts drawing lines. She has divided the day into four sections, evenly spaced and she gives me the book back.

"Am I supposed to understand what this means?" I ask her, genuinely confused about what is happening.

"Do you have your backpack?" Arizona asks me and I am even more confused, but I bring the bag of my art supplies into the space between our legs on the floor. "Can I go in the bag?" Arizona asks carefully, knowing that some of the stuff in there is stuff she hasn't seen before but I nod. I trust her. Instead of the sketchbooks, she pulls out my sketching pencils. "Draw four things you did yesterday. They don't have to be amazing, but I mean, knowing your secret skills they probably will be."

"What?"

"You said you don't write about your feelings because you don't know how to get the words out. You're right, you don't write about your feelings. That's not who you are. You're you, and you process through art, so draw four simple pictures of yesterday." Arizona explains, simply and I nod, not entirely sure how I feel about the idea but willing to try. It's going to be easier than writing, that's for sure.

I take my time, thinking back to yesterday, thinking back to what I could write, well, draw about. When I woke up I didn't do much, I just sat awake on my phone, waiting for Arizona to wake up too. I guess I could draw that, it is do-able. After that, we ate breakfast together as a family. Sofia told us all about her book that she had recently finished. She was so excited about how it ended and requested the sequel for her birthday. I draw Sofia sat at the kitchen table with her bowl of cereal and the book placed next to it. Then I start thinking about work, I had a patient who died on the table. It wasn't my fault, or the patients. He threw a clot in the middle of surgery. I tried to remove it but it was too late. I decide to draw this man's brain. I draw the tumour that he had come in to get removed, and the clot that had killed him. I check the clock, realising that we don't have long before we need to leave so I do a quick sketch of Arizona before grabbing the diary and running to get my shoes on.

The drive to therapy isn't as stressful as it was when I first started going. The car journey is quiet but comfortable. It's not like I enjoy the sessions or anything, I just don't hate it anymore. It hurts to talk about the past, but not as much as it used to. I want to get better, I want that pain to keep fading.

"Are you working this afternoon?" I ask Arizona as I was pulling the car into the parking lot.

"Nope, I'm free. Alex asked if we could swap shifts, why?"

"How would you feel if I asked Mer to watch Sofia for the evening?"

"Well I had no plans, but why? What are you thinking?"

"Date night. We haven't had one in quite a while. I know we aren't a regular couple and don't do date nights like other people but I thought it would be nice and now I'm rambling. Great, I must sound like an idiot."

"But you're my idiot. A date night sounds perfect, what exactly did you have in mind?" Arizona asks with a small grin, I can see her internally laughing at my rambling

"That's for me to know and you to find out. But dress nice. Not too nice, but niceish."

"Okay. Sounds good. Do you think you should wait until after your session to ask your sister to watch Sofia? Just incase." Arizona asks, changing the topic a little.

"I will, don't worry. But I think I'll be fine."

"I'm glad to hear it. Should we head in?"

We skip the formal introductions. I told Anne a few weeks ago that they make me feel uncomfortable so she has scrapped the process completely. We enter sit down, say hi but no more introductions, we just jump in to the therapy stuff.

"So Amelia, how are you doing today?" She begins.

"Good. It's a good day." I say with a smile.

"And why is that? What makes today good?"

"I erm, I've actually been thinking, would you mind going outside for this conversation?" I ask Arizona and she gives me a concerned glance. "It's not that I'm hiding anything, I want you to come back in a few minutes, but it's a light topic. I think I could do it on my own. I want to try."

"Of course." Arizona says getting up to leave.

"I'll tell you when I want you to come back. I don't want to be alone for long."

"Amelia, I'm so proud of you." Arizona says with tears in her eyes before closing the door to wait outside.

"That was a brave thing for you to do Amelia. Was there any particular reason you decided now was the time to go solo?" Anne asks and I feel slightly more tense than I did with Arizona in the room but I shake it off.

"It's like I told Arizona. It's an easy conversation and I want to try. She keeps trying to arrange her work shifts around me and I thought an easy conversation would be the first step in trying sessions on my own. I'm not ready for that yet. But I'm ready to start trying." I explain as best I can and she just smiles and nods.

"So, why was today a good day?"

"Well for starters, I haven't cut in a week. I know that's nothing huge, but it's been several years since I've gone that long."

"And?"

"And last night was the first night in 20 years I've gone a full night sober and not had a nightmare."

"Wow, that's big news. How does it make you feel?" Anne follows up.

"I mean, I'm obviously happy about it. I think it's a new start. I haven't told Arizona yet, but we are going on a date tonight. I'm going to tell her then."

"Why do you feel the need to take her out to tell her this?" Anne asks and I take a moment to think about my response.

"I guess it gives me time to think." I start and Anne raises an eyebrow, hinting for me to continue. "And it's because of her. I've been slowly getting better, and it's because of her, everything she has done for me. I feel the need to give back, I don't want this to be a one way relationship."

"I see why you might think that, but this isn't a one way relationship. I see you two together. You make her happy too."

"I know. But still it's a reason to celebrate. I know it likely won't last, I'm sure to have many more nightmares, and that scares me but it's a start."

"It is. And I'm happy for you. Fear is normal, and you're right, the likelihood is you have many nightmares ahead of you, but you can get passed them, I have no doubt about that."

"Thank you." I say fumbling with my hands, not sure where to go from here.

"Do you want to invite Arizona back in?"The doctor asks, clearly sensing my increasing anxiety.

"Yes, please."

We continue the session by talking about the last week. I tell her about the situation with Zola and the nightmare. We talk about it for quite a while before Anne asks a question.

"Have you tried the diary technique I suggested?"

"Kindof. I had a few issues with it, and by few I mean many. I erm, well, Arizona had an idea of how to make it easier so I've only done one day and it's not exactly what you asked but it's something."

"What do you mean? What was the idea? I'm a little lost." Anne explains and I pass her the book.

"I have never been able to put my feelings into words, I think that's part of the reason it took me so long to get into therapy." I explain and look to Arizona.

"Amelia processes through art. Whenever she has complicated feelings she draws them. I suggested instead of writing 4 things that she had done in that day, that she draws 4 sketches in the diary. I hope that's okay with you." Arizona continues for me. I watch Anne open the book and take in the images in front of her.

"This is impressive, how long did this take?"

"About an hour for all 4. Not that long really."

"Can you tell me about them?"

"The first is just me on my phone in bed. I was awake first so I just sat on my phone for a while. The girl in the second image is Sofia, Arizona's daughter. She was eating breakfast and trying to tell us the full plot of the book she just finished."

"And the third and fourth?"

"The third is a patient's brain. I can't say too much, doctor patient confidentiality and all but he died on the table, I couldn't save him. And well, Arizona is the fourth. She made me feel better despite having a crappy day at work."

"Can you elaborate on how you felt when your patient died?" Anne asks and I shrug.

"Angry, disappointed, I don't know." I respond quietly, struggling to formulate the words that correctly describe my feelings.

"And you said Arizona made you feel better. How did she make you feel?"

"Safe."

The therapist nods and writes something down quickly before closing her notebook and looking up to me.

"Amelia, when you first started these sessions I said sometimes I may have questions that require immediate answers. I have one of those questions, so just try your best to answer. Is that okay?" I'm not sure what I said but I take Arizona's hand in my own, gripping it tight before nodding my head.

"Okay."

"You have just said Arizona makes you feel safe. Why did you feel unsafe before? Please be honest, this is important." Arizona traces her thumb on the back of my hand not letting go, just reminding me that she is here.

"I'm not actually in danger or anything. When I have a bad day at work, I often have more cravings for drugs, or to hurt myself, or both. Seeing Arizona helps me realise I'm not alone and I have other coping mechanisms. She saves me from myself." I explain further, trying my best to properly articulate the way I felt.

"You know, I understand what you're saying, and I know you see Arizona as the person who is helping you, but I think you underestimate how much you have done to help yourself."

"I'm not following." I tell Anne and she tries again to explain.

"By choosing to ask for help, by going to Arizona, you're helping yourself. You chose to trust her and allow her to be there for you. So any major strides in your recovery are down to you as well as Arizona."

"I guess I didn't really think of it that way."

"That's why I'm here, it's my job to point things out. Anyway, back to your diary, it is more than okay for you to draw what you did rather than write, but I do have a request, am I okay to draw in here?" She asks and I nod giving permission, not entirely sure what she is doing. She draws the same cross Arizona did but adds a smaller box in the bottom of each quadrant. "I want you to draw your picture of the thing you did, then write one adjective to describe how you felt when doing it. Just a single word, like you said 'disappointed' when your patient died, or 'safe' for the image of Arizona. Do you think you could do that?"

"I could try."

* * *

Normally when you go out on a date, one person picks the other up and it's full of awkward silences and romantic tension, but when you live with and very much love the person your going on the date with all of that changes. You can get ready together, talking about life in general, thinking more about what fun you can get up to after the date than the date itself. Arizona and I don't really do dates, at least, not often. Because of our unusual circumstances of how we became friends then something more, and my panic attacks and emotional breakdowns, It just didn't work out. Sure we had the occasional date, and I took Arizona out for her birthday last year, things like that, but this is our first date date, like celebration date and she doesn't even realise it. I picked an Italian restaurant I've been to a couple of times before. It's not too posh, but fancy enough for us to dress up nicely.

Arizona walks into our bedroom as I'm making a few adjustments to my outfit.

"Amelia, you look amazing,stunning even, I've never seen you in a dress before." My girlfriend says as she walks over to me, her mouth slightly agape.

"The last time I wore a dress was a little over 7 years ago. Let's just say it didn't end well."

"Tell me about it." Arizona says sincerely, talking my hand and leading me to sit next to the bed.

"It was about 8 months after Christopher, so over a year since Ryan had died. A new ER doc came to work at the hospital, to take over from Pete, my friend whose funeral was the day Mark died. On his first day on the job he caught something I had missed, then he gave me credit for the catch. It was an attempt at flirting on his behalf. He kept flirting for weeks, I refused to call him by his first name because it annoyed him. He was cute, I liked him, I just thought it was too soon. Anyway, things started slow and I got impatient. I wanted things to be over with, I wanted sex. After being fine having sex with Ryan, I thought I would be fine and just wanted to get it over with. Anyway, I put on a dress, dark green, elegant and was about to go out when he turned up at my door. We didn't even leave the apartment, kissing turned into more and when we got to the bedroom he toppled on top of me. I panicked a little but I was okay until started to unzip my dress and he complimented me. "

"What happened?"

"It was the phrase he used, it was the last thing Ryan had said to me before he died. I had a full blown panic attack and locked him out of my room." I finish and Arizona begins to put the pieces together.

"James?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry if that was too much detail, you didn't need to know about my past relationships."

"I've told you before, your past doesn't define you. I don't mind knowing or not knowing. As long as you know that whatever you share stays between us." Arizona says openly, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"I love you." I tell her honestly, kissing her quickly before getting up to finish my make up.

"I love you too, but if you're uncomfortable wearing dresses you do realise you don't have to wear one for me right? I'll love you whatever you're wearing."

"I know. I just wanted to try something new. I'll be okay."

When we arrive at the restaurant I keep Arizona's hand in my own, for no other reason than wanting to be by her side, not knowing or caring who could be watching. We see seated in a quiet area, but I can see a queue building at the door and I want to give Arizona my news while it's quiet.

"Y'know when I asked you to leave my appointment this morning, I lied, I was keeping something from you, but it was a good thing. It's why I wanted a date night." I tell Arizona and I see a variety of expressions cross her face.

"Okay I'm intrigued. What is this secret you are keeping from me?" My girlfriends asks, feigning offence at the concept of me not telling her.

"It's nothing that big really, but I uh, it's been many years since I've gone over a week without cutting, and then something happened last night."

"I'm confused."

"For the first time in 20 years, I was sober and went a full night without a nightmare. As I said it's not huge but it felt like-" I try to say but Arizona has stood up and pulled me in for a hug, not letting me go.

"Amy this is huge." She whispers in my ear. "I'm so proud of everything you've done."

"It's because of you. I wanted to take you on a date to say thank you."

"I love you so much. You're amazing."

"I know it won't last, and I know I still have many nightmares to overcome, but this is a start. I feel like I'm actually getting better."

"You are getting better. You're working so hard and it's paying off. You deserve this Amy. You deserve a break from everything life is throwing at you. You deserve to be happy."

"I am happy. You make me happy. You see me for who I am, not my past. It makes me feel human again. You make me feel more like me."


	30. Chapter 30

_Arhshshs Amelia has her baby in tonight's episode! I want to know the name! I'm so ready to see her happy, cuddling her baby for more that 43 minutes.__Also, life is hell for everyone at the moment, hope you are all staying safe!_

* * *

**Arizona POV**

We collect Sofia from Merediths on the way home from the date. The conversation had become more flirtatious on the way home, but with Sofia in the car we had to tone it down. Still, the unspoken sexual tension is high. With it being a school night, we know it's not too long until our daughter will go to bed.

I walk into the kitchen where Amelia is cutting up some fruit for Sofia. I graze my hand across her back, kissing her neck gently before continuing to sit down next to her. I can feel her staring holes in my body.

"Az…" Amelia whispers below her breath.

"Not long now. Be patient." I tell my girlfriend quietly and my daughter walks into the room. Amelia passes her the bowl of fruit and I take the chopping board and knife to wash and put away. Sofia is telling Amelia about her time with Zola, the games they played. Amelia is trying to focus but I see her attention keep flicking back to me. I move back to the set next to her. Lightly tracking my fingertips over her hip and I see her clenching her legs together, trying to control some of the pressure she is experiencing.

I check my watch and see its a little after 9pm them look back to Sofia.

"Okay baby, go brush your teeth and then head to bed. You've already stayed up past your bed time and it's a school night." I say simply and my daughter jumps up and leaves the room, heading to brush her teeth like asked.

"And it's almost your bedtime too. Why don't you head to our room and wait for me there." I say with a wink and I hear Amelia groan. "You'll get what you want soon, I promise." I reassure her and she places a hand on the back of my neck, then uses her other to cup my cheek pulling me in for a kiss. Her lips gently taking my lips in her own. The contact isn't too long but enough for me to feel dampness pooling between my legs. When she pulls away, she looks into my eyes to say "That'll keep me going for a while."

"Don't be too long."

I place the bowl in the dishwasher and take a moment to breath before heading through to Sofia's room to tuck her into bed. Despite wanting to use this time purely to rip my girlfriends clothes off, to show her how special she is to me, I make sure not to, not yet. I give Sofia the same amount of attention she should get any other night. I sit down on the edge of her bed and my daughter places her bookmark in and puts the book on the bedside table.

"You look pretty in your dress Mom. Did you and Amy go somewhere special?" she asks inquisitively.

"We went to a little Italian restaurant, it was nice. Did you have fun with Zola?" I ask in return, making sure to show an interest in her activities."

"Yeah. Meredith let us eat McDonald's as a treat. Why did you and Amy go have dinner on your own?"

"Because we were on a date, and Amelia had done good news she wanted to tell me. She wanted to celebrate a little."

"What was the news? Can I celebrate too?"

"She wanted to tell me how happy she is with us, and how much safer she feels now. I'm sure if you wanted to draw her a picture as a celebration present she would love it."

"Really?"

"Yep. Just because Amy and I went on a date together doesn't mean we want time away from you, you know that right? Sometimes we need some adult time but we both love you so so much." I explain, wanting to make sure she understands that is needing our own space isn't a way of removing her from the situation. I know when Callie started dating Penny, Sofia felt left out and I want to make sure that that isn't the case.

"I know Mom. I love you and Amy lots too."

"Good night sweetheart. Sleep tight." I say, giving her a kiss on the forehead before turning out the light.

When I get to our bedroom, Amelia is sat on the bed, lights on and still fully dressed.

"Took you long enough." She mutters as I close the door behind me and make my way towards her, sitting by her side. She makes the first move, pulling me in closer gently kissing. There is no hurried pace despite how turned on we both are. The kisses stay slow, gentle and loving. I take one of her hands in my own, just holding it simply while we connect. We shuffle back onto the bed, still taking things slow but slowly increasing in intensity. My body hovers over my girlfriends and I carefully kiss down her jaw, allowing my lips to connect with the sensitive spot on her neck. I feel Amelia's body responding to my actions. Her pulse and breathing both increasing in speed and I trace my hands down her sides.

"Wait." Amelia interrupts and I immediately stop my actions and move to the side presuming she is feeling panicked or needing a moment.

"What's the matter? Are you okay?" I ask worriedly.

"Hey, I'm okay, better than okay even. I promise. I just wanted to talk about something first."

"What's on your mind?" I ask her and

her rolls off the bed, picking up my box of sex toys from the floor. She must have gotten them out of the wardrobe before I came in.

"I want to use one on you first, just to see how it works but honestly I have no idea which to use. It's all kind of new and terrifying. I don't know what to do and you're going to have to help me. I'm sorry."

"Hey, look at me. Nothing to be sorry about. Which one were you thinking about using?"

"I honestly don't know, I don't even know what half of these do. I don't want anything too different right now, just simple I guess." Ameliaexplains, her face crimson with embarrassment.

"This is probably the simplest thing I have, and it's one of my favourites." I say as I reach into the box and take out a glove. "It has tiny vibrators in the first two finger tips." I further explain and she nods without speaking, placing the glove on the bedside table. "Are you okay?" I ask her due to the lack of response.

"So I just turn it on and do what I usually would?" Amelia follows up, clearly very shy about the new situation.

"Mmhm. But for now, come here. We can take it slow." I explain as I pull her closer by her hand. "Can I take your dress off?" I ask before making any movement. She told me about her panic attack last time somebody tried to remove her dress and I want to make sure we are both on the same page. When she nods giving me permission, I locate the zipper and slowly pull it down to reveal what is underneath. I see her breath wavering so I cup her face gently with my hand. "It's just me, it's just us. You're safe with me." I reassure her, keeping eye contact throughout.

"Can yours go too?" Amelia asks referring to my dress. I move my hand to locate the zipper but she swats it away, removing the item herself. I lift my hips to allow her to pull the fabric down past my ass to remove it from my legs. Just as I expect her to make her way back up the bed to lay with me, I feel her gentle fingers on my leg. I flinch at the unexpected contact causing her to stop all movements and look at me. "Is this okay?" Amelia checks with my, her hands still on my leg but not making any movements.

"Sorry, it was just unexpected. It's okay."

"You can take it off if you want. I won't be upset." My girlfriend offers, knowing that sometimes I feel a little self conscious about my leg but I shake my head.

"It's not that, I just. It's just rare that I let anybody else take it off, but I trust you. I know I'm safe so you can take it off for me. I'll be okay."

Amelia's hands gentle stroke around the edges of my thigh, getting me used to the contact before locating the release button. She carefully removes the limb and the protective fabric from my leg. She places it all on the floor before allowing her fingertips to stroke over my stump. She takes her time gently caressing the limb, not so much in a sexual way, but it's so loving. I think back to the first night I let her see my leg, how her gentle caresses turned me on so badly but I couldn't do anything about it. Things have changed so much. She places a light kiss on the edge of the scar before looking back to me and smiling, the cute innocent smile she pulls off so well. I love this woman so much.

I reach my hands behind me, removing my bra and throwing it to the floor before flopping back against the bed. My girlfriend slowly kisses her way back up my body, carefully nipping and caressing my every curve. "Amy, please." I pant and I see her smirking, her confidence growing with my every moan. She kisses my lips for a couple of seconds and I feel her hands relocate to my chest. Her thumbs draw lazy circles around my nipples as she keeps looking into my eyes. My eye lids are getting heavy with my increasing arousal.

She gently kisses my neck, nipping and sucking on my pulse point. I place my hands on the back of her head, enjoying the pleasure she is offering.

"Eyes on me." Amelia tells me and I snap them open to look at her.

"You ready for this?" she asks, referring to the glove that is lying on the bed next to her.I can see that she is feeling awkward, nervous, but I nod. Allowing her to continue being in control.

"More than ready." I mumble and she smirks are my desperation.

She puts the glove on moves her attention downward once more. She makes sure to give my upper body plenty of attention on the way, but she doesn't linger for too long. She knows I'm desperate. As she descends, I look down to see her hovering over my sensitive area, the place I want her most. She kisses my clit before licking up through my folds. Her arms wrap around my thighs in an attempt to keep them down still as she tortures me with this sweet pleasure. Just as I think I'm totally lost in the sensations I'm experiencing, I hear the device being switched on and my aroused state doubles in an instant.

"Just like normal?" Amelia asks me once more, her voice sounding more nervous than before. I gather the ability and concentration needed to reply to her and look in her eyes.

"Like normal." I pant "You can't go wrong." I stop for another breath. "I love you."

At this statement I feel Amelia's hand tap my sensitive bundle of nerves lightly, grazing across them. My hips respond uncontrollably which makes Amelia laugh a little but I force them back to the bed. Instead of trying that again, she uses her tongue on my clit and I feel her fingers circling my vagina. They press in a tiny bit before retracting, again and again. The noises in our room can only be described as wet. I'm using all of my self restraint to stay quiet knowing our daughter is sleeping just a few rooms away. Just when I think I've got my reactions under control, Amelia presses two fingers into me, slowly yet firm. I take my hand that had previously been gripping the sheets and place it over my mouth, preventing myself from making too much noise. This action only encourages Amelia to keep going, curving her fingers to hit my sensitive spots with ease. I had forgotten how much more sensitive this piece of equipment makes me. I haven't used it in a long time, and even when I did it was for solo sexual acts so I didn't have the additional stimulation from a person whom I love so deeply and who I know loves me.

Amy's thrusts are gradually increasing in speed and accuracy and I know I won't be able to quiet much longer. "Amy." I say and she lifts her head. "I need you here." I manage to get out. My words blurred together but she somehow understands what I meant. She keeps her hand moving at a steady pace and she brings herself to lay with me, taking my mouth in her own. With this new safety she stretches her thumb to rub my clit with each thrust. I doesn't take long until my body crumbles beneath her and she keeps her hand moving until I ride out every last second of my orgasm.

"Holy shit." I pant and Amelia laughs at my use of language.

"Good?"

"Amazing. My body seems to have stopped functioning. So what do you think? Something you want to try?" I ask her, trying to gage where our evening is going to go from here.

"Yes and no."

"Care to elaborate?"

"You seemed to enjoy yourself, to say the least. I want to feel that too, just not now. Not on an evening." She explains, her voice quietly trailing off. She is scared of the nightmares this could cause. I don't blame her, I know where she is coming from.

"Whenever you want to try, I'll be there, just let me know where and when."

"How about right here, in the morning. If we are awake early enough before Sofia wakes up, but if not after one of use have dropped her off at school." Amelia offers and I can tell she has already thought about this.

"Sounds like a plan. Amy?"

"Hmm?" she responds as she lays down in my arms, resting her head on my bare chest.

"I know I say this a lot, but I'm so in love with you. I'm so lucky to have you in my life." I explain quietly but get no response. I look over to check she is okay only to see she has fallen asleep already.

"Sleep tight."

* * *

_So do you want the second half of this or is this enough smut? Let me know_

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	31. Chapter 31

**Amelia POV**

When I wake up, it's to the sound of our alarm. Arizona rolls over to mute the sound and I roll over to lay in her arms, resting my head against her chest.

"G'morning." I grunt, closing my eyes to rest my head. I feel Arizona's arms wrap around my body, signalling that she is awake.

"Morning. How'd you sleep?"

"Good. You're comfy." I explain, nestling my head into her body.

"As much as I love your sleepy snuggles, I need to go in the shower." Arizona explains, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Yeah. You smell of sex." I laugh lightly, but don't move to let her up.

"Hm, I believe that is your fault. Can you wake Sof while I shower?"

"Kay."

"You know you have to move to wake her up right?" My girlfriend jokes sarcastically and I sit up.

"Okay, I'm up. You want breakfast making?"

"I'll make toast when I've showered. Go wake our daughter." Arizona instructs. 'Our daughter'. I'll never get tired of hearing that.

I plant a quick kiss on Arizona's lips before climbing out of our bed and throwing on some clothes to wake Sofia. Although she has accidentally seen the scars before, I make sure to wear longer pants so she doesn't see them again. It's something Arizona and I discussed, although she wasn't mad that Sofia saw them, out of sight tends to be out of mind for children, and it's not something we want on the top of her mind.

I saunter through to our daughters room, sticking my head into the darkness to see her still out like a light. I make my way to the sit on the edge of her bed and place a hand on her upper arm.

"Sofia baby, time to get up. You have school soon."

"Mornin' Amy." The young girl says, bleary eyes beginning to open.

"Good morning sweet girl. Get yourself dressed and come through to the kitchen for breakfast. Your Mom is in the shower." I state simply, stoking her eyes out of her face.

"Okay. Can I have fruit loops?" She asks, her voice still husky from her recent slumber.

"Sure thing, I'll get them out for you. Don't take too long okay?"

"Okay."

I head through to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee knowing Arizona will be grateful for the caffeine boost before getting the cereal out for Sofia.

Last nights activities are still on my mind, knowing that we will soon after dropping Sofia at school we will be back in bed and stripped of our clothes. I'm a little scared, I've never used any sort of sex toys before, so this is definitely a first experience, but I trust Arizona. Still, I find myself a little jumpy at the thought so I push it from my mind and focus on making breakfast for now.

It doesn't take long for Arizona and Sofia to join me in the kitchen, the three of us sat around the table. It's something we try to do every day, at least, whenever Arizona and I are both off work. It gives us time to talk, and to have our own little family bonding time. It's strange to think that over the last year and a half I've gone from living with my dead brothers wife and her family, to living with my girlfriend, and our 9 year old (soon to be 10 year old) daughter.

"Mom, is Amy Coming to my parents evening with you next week?" Sofia asks Arizona and I flick my head to my girlfriend. This isn't something we have really spoken about. Sure, I help Sof with her homework sometimes and basically coparent her, but we haven't spoken about her school situation. Although I have permission to pick her up at school and am on the school records as a secondary contact after Arizona, we haven't spoken about school events.

"I don't know. Do you want Amy to come to your parents evening?" Arizona asks Sofia and I get up, moving to pour myself coffee, not wanting my proximity to influence Sofia's decision. I wouldn't be upset if she said no. To both Arizona and I's surprise, Sofia replies that yes, she would like me to attend. Apparently she has been telling her art teacher that I've been helping her and she wants to introduce us.

"I just have to check if I'm at work okay kiddo?" I respond to which Arizona gives me a strange glance but I don't say anything.

Once Sofia has left the room to brush her teeth, I pull Arizona to the side.

"I'm not at work, I just wanted to make sure you're okay with me coming too. I don't want step on your toes with the whole parenting angle."

"Amelia, of course you're allowed to come. You're her 'Amy' now and we wouldn't want it any other way." Arizona reassures me, and I smile at the phrase 'her Amy', it makes me think of the day we agreed on the nickname as she viewed me as a mother figure but already had two mom's.

"You sure?" I double check.

"I'm positive. You coming to drop her off at school with me?"

"Sure, I just need 5 minutes to shower and throw clothes on."

* * *

Although I don't like my body, when Arizona looks at me, when she makes love to me, a part of me truly believes I'm worth loving. When I look at my body I see scars and stretch marks. I see a body that is too ruined to be loved, but when Arizona looks at me, I see the love in her eyes. I see how much she loves me.

Our love making progresses slowly, clothing is removed and Arizona caressing my every imperfection, showing me how much she cares. I keep my hands on the back of her neck, pulling her in for small kisses every now and again. Arizona is careful, making sure to stay gentle with every move.

"So you still want me to use the glove?" Arizona asks me and I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Yeah, I'm just nervous I guess, just go slow?" I request shakily, at which my girlfriend gracefully agrees.

She begins to kiss her way down my body. I allow her to give me this attention, but as she descends lower, I move my hands to guide her back up towards me. "I need you here please." I admit, my voice a little more desperate than I'd like to admit. She quickly understands my plea, and moves her attention back up to my lips. "Better?" She asks caringly, her body hovering over my own as I nod. Arizona takes my lips in her own once again, kissing gently, swiping her tongue across my bottom lip asking for access which I quickly allow.

It doesn't take long for Arizona's hands to begin to wander again. She has the toy on her hand, but it isn't turned on. It feels weird, the glove is a silicone material so it feels oddly clinical. Her breasts brush against my own and my chest rises in response, I try to focus on this rather than her hands movements. Her fingers circle my clit and I fall back, grasping at the sheets and feeling the pleasure she is offering, but still tense at the thought of what is happening. I can feel the dampness pooling between my legs, something Arizona notices too and she turns on the vibrating equipment. The feeling is unusual, my body is responding even quicker than before, and I can't seem to control it. I keep my breathing slow and try to allow myself to stay still, to receive the pleasure my amazing girlfriend is offering. Arizona waits for a while before moving her hand away from my sensitive bundle of nerves and lines her fingers up with my entrance and slowly pushes them into me.

My body jerks at the intrusion and my heart begins to pound in my chest. "Stop. Please." I beg and she immediately turns the equipment off and removes her fingers from inside me. I hear her saying my name, asking if I'm okay but I can't respond for the panic building inside of me is too much. I don't notice the tears that had built up until I feel them falling down my face.

"I'm sorry. I can't. I'm sorry" I tell Arizona, pulling the blankets up over myself. As I sit up against the headboard of the bed, pulling my knees up to my chest as I give in to the sobs.

I clench my fists, I can feel my nails digging into my hands but I keep squeaking, trying to distract myself from all the thoughts racing around my head.

"Amelia, I need you to listen to my voice okay? It's just me and you're safe, I promise. I love you and you're okay. You're safe. I'm not going anywhere. Just keep breathing." Arizona instructs, I can tell she is scared for me, but I can't help her right now. I just need to keep myself together to avoid a full blown panic attack.

"I tried to like it, I really tried, I'm sorry." I stammer, struggling to form words.

"Look at me." Arizona instructs and I lift my head from my knees to look in her eyes. "You don't need to apologise. You needed to stop, so we stopped. It's okay." Arizona tries to reaffirm. She places a hand lightly on my arm so show me she is there.

"I was scared. I wanted to like it. I tried but I, I can't. I'm sorry I tried."

"I know. It's okay. It's okay." Arizona reassures, carefully wrapping her arms around my shaking body. I rest my head on her chest, listening to her heart and feeling her steady breath and I try to breathe.

**Arizona POV**

Once Amelia's breathing has returned to an almost regular rhythm, I climb out of bed, throw on some panties and a baggy top and get my girlfriend some comfy clothes. She is still curled up in a ball and isn't communicating fully and I'm worried about her. We went too far, I just hope she can recover from this. I take her clothes to the bed, passing them toward her and she smiles quickly at me. I can tell the smile was fake but she is trying.

"Could you uh, turn around while I put these on?" Amelia asks me in the smallest voice. I have seen her naked too many times to count but I respect her privacy and do as she asks.

After a few moments Amelia gives me permission to turn back around so I relocate to the bed, close enough to offer comfort but not touching her, leaving the physical aspect in her control. "I'm sorry if I went too fast, I really didn't mean to hurt you." I tell Amelia, carefully watching all of her responses. "Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?" I follow up. I reach my hand out in case she wants to take it like she used to so often. She doesn't respond for a moment and I can see her thinking. I'm worried that she isn't going to trust me again after this. Just as I'm giving up, presuming I'm not going to get any form of response, Amelia shuffles slightly closer to me and wraps her arms tightly around my torso, holding my closer than I've ever been held before. I immediately hug her back, careful not to squeeze too tightly, not wanting her to feel trapped but I wrap one arm around her body, my hand resting in the centre of her back and the other on the back of her head, gently stroking her hair. "I love you Amelia, so much." I express unsure what else to say. I feel her nod slightly but don't get a verbal response so we just hold our positions.

I'm unsure how long we remain in this position when Amelia pulls out of the embrace. "Are you okay?" I ask her, mentally cursing myself for using this phrase. Of course she isn't okay, I know that already.

"I'm going to the bathroom."

"Are you going to-?"

"No. I just need to pee." Amelia responds bluntly, before I have the chance to finish my question. She keeps her arms wrapped around her body, almost as though she is trying to protect her self, hold herself for comfort. I let her leave, resisting all urges to follow her and hoping she is telling the truth and that she doesn't intend to hurt herself. I don't want to push things too far, I know she is feeling vulnerable and scared right now, and I don't want to give her any reason to push me away further.

I take the few minutes that Amelia is away to pick up the clothes from our floor and make the bed. I put some sweatpants on, realising that I'm just wearing my panties on my lower half. I take the sex toy that had been thrown to the floor and put it in my bedside table rather than back with the others. I understand it needs to be cleaned, to be sanitised, but Amelia is in the bathroom and I don't want her to see it and risk triggering another panic attack.

When she walks back into our room, I'm stood by the chest of draws in our bedroom. She walks towards me, taking my hand in her own and leading me to sit on the bed. I stay quiet, waiting for her to talk, or move, or show me what she needs. "I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see me like that."

"It's okay. As soon as you ask to stop, we stop. Nothing to be ashamed of." I reassure, squeezing her hand lightly to let her know I'm not leaving.

"I know. I just…" Amelia trails off, wiping the stray tears from her eyes.

"You just what?" I prompt for her to continue.

"It was harder than I thought, to ask you to stop. When I panic, my voice just stops and I just, I couldn't find the words."

"I'm sorry. I didn't think about that. I hate that I hurt you."

"You didn't, not really. I wanted to try. I wanted to like it, I tried to like it."

"Look at me." I instruct "You don't have to try to like anything. You either like something or you don't, both are totally fine. You don't try to like something that you don't like, just because I enjoy it." I explain clearly, moving one arm around her back, holding her closer to me but not too tightly.

"I didn't want to worry you." Her voice is shaking, but she turns to look at me and I rub my hand up and down her arm.

"It's my job as your girlfriend to worry about you."I say honestly.

"I just want to be normal."

"Having different likes and dislikes is normal Amelia, it's so normal. It's a part of being human."

"I just want to make you happy." She sobs into our embrace and I feel my body try to crumble. She is hurting because she wanted to please me.

"You make me so happy Amelia. Every single day. I love you so much, I just don't want to see you hurting." I explain and she nods.

"I'm sorry. I love you too."

We move from the bedroom to the living room, Amelia is laid in my arms with a sketchbook and is casually drawing something. She is still very quiet, but is accepting comfort. I place a kiss lightly on her head and she closes the book and turns to look at me.

"It wasn't your fault Arizona." Amelia states, and I give a small nod.

"I should have gone slower, checked if you were okay, given you warning. I don't know."

"Az, it had nothing to do with you, honest. You did nothing wrong, please don't blame yourself." Amelia begs, reaching her arm to wipe the tears that were forming in my eyes. I can see her thinking, contemplating something. Just as I'm about to ask what, she begins to talk again. "It was the texture. It's like medical gloves, it reminded me of the hospital after, when they were treating my injuries. It's stupid, I know they were just helping me but it's connected and I just, I panicked."

"Amy, I'm sorry. I didn't think of that."

"Me either. It's not really something we could have predicted." She expresses dryly. I know this is true, but a part of me still feels responsible.

"Why didn't you ask me to stop earlier?" I enquire, if the texture was the issue, I'm surprised it took her so long to ask to stop.

"I was scared, but I thought it would just pass, just like I was scared when we first shared a bed, when we first slept together, when you first went down on me. I was terrified before all of those, but it felt good afterward. I presumed it would be the same."

"I didn't know you were scared. Nervous maybe, but fear isn't the same. I don't want my actions to scare you Amelia." I explain, my voice cracking mid sentence. I hate that she feels fear relating to my actions. I know it's not me she fears but still, the guilt I feel, it hurts

"Lots of things are scary for me, I feel fear on a daily basis, but I trust you. Normally you make me less scared. You make me feel more… me."

"Can I kiss you?" I ask shakily as she places her hand in my own.

"You don't need to ask, you know I love your kisses. Come here." Amelia says, shifting her position allowing me to lean in to kiss her. When we pull away I rest my forehead against my girlfriends.

"I love you, and this wasn't your fault. I'm okay, I promise." Amelia whispers, interrupting the silence around us.

"I love you too."

* * *

_I hope you're all staying safe and indoors during this difficult time. Take care of yourselves! _


	32. Chapter 32

**Amelia POV**

I walk through the doors of Meredith's house, looking for Zola because she had called me telling me she needs a break from the mad house for a while.

"Amelia, you okay?" I hear Meredith shout after me from the kitchen. I turn around towards her and shut the door behind me.

"Yeah, I'm just going to take Zola out for a bit if that's okay with you."

"Sure, as long as she has done her homework. Got plans with Sofia?" Meredith presumes aloud but I shake my head. I'm not hiding this from her.

"No, just Zola and I. She called and said she wanted to go out for a bit."

"I'm sorry I didn't know. I can't believe she did that, sorry if she has put you out, I'll talk to her about it."

"No Mer, it's not like that. Remember a couple of weeks ago when I babysat for you? We had a conversation, she is struggling, nothing serious but still. I told her to call me when she needed a break. Today is one of those days." I explain, suddenly realising I had completely forgotten to tell her about the discussion.

"Amelia what are you talking about? You can't just keep things like this from me." Meredith responds and I understand her irritation.

"I'm sorry. I've been meaning to talk to you about it, I just had a lot going on." I admit, knowing it is I who is in the wrong here.

"I know, but this is my daughter." Meredith says as she takes me by the hand and moves us toward the table. "Just tell me what happened please."

"She was upset that I hadn't been around as much, after a while of talking it turned out she thought she was going to forget Derek because I wasn't here to remind her about him. She is so much like him and it made me worried I guess."

"Why is her being like Derek a problem? I'm not following."

"When my Dad died, Derek, he uh, he took on more responsibility than he should have. He was trying to help, he basically raised me so my Mom didn't have to. I know you're an amazing Mom Mer, this is nothing like that, but I worry she is growing up too quickly, like Derek did for me. I told her to call me if she needed a break from being responsible. I really am sorry I didn't tell you, I just, I have so much happening right now and I'm okay, it's just a lot." I say but before I know it tears are trying to escape my eyes. I wipe them away, looking up to the ceiling hoping they'll fade or reabsorb or something.

"Amelia, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you with my questions, I just wanted to know what had happened. She's my daughter."

"I know, I know. It's not your fault, I'm okay. I know I should have told you, I'm sorry." I reassure her.

"I know this is a tough week for you. Can I do anything to help?" Meredith says and I realise that she knows what I'm going through. Sometimes I forget how much Derek had shared with her.

"No. I just want to forget. Can I take Zola out for a bit? I'm thinking about taking her to that new museum with the interactive zone."

"I'm sure she'll like that. Let me know if it's any good, we might have to take Bailey and Ellis at some point."

"I will. I am sorry about taking a while to talk to you about this. You should probably know we had a sex talk too, lesbian sex included. She had a lot of built up questions." I reveal as a slightly lighter topic. We both know she is reaching an age of curiosity and it was only a matter of time until the questions were bound to begin.

"I thought she understood about sex at this point, we haven't exactly hidden anything." Meredith says and I nod, that's exactly what I thought when Zola had first brought up the topic.

"Yeah but considering until I got with Arizona all the relationships in the house were straight." I begin and Meredith just looks at me as though to suggest she has no idea what I'm referring to. "She was confused about the mechanics, I guess is the best word. Just don't be surprised if she asks more questions."

"Okay, I erm, thanks for telling me."

"No worries. Can I take Zola out now?"

"Sure. Amelia." Meredith calls after me and I turn back. "I meant what I said. I know this is a tough week for you. Call me if you need anything."

"I will thank you."

I head upstairs to find Zola sat on her bed with a backpack prepped for the day. I hold out my hand for her to take and we head down the stairs and out to the car.

"Were you and Mom fighting about me?" My niece asks, looking overly concerned.

"No. We just had a conversation. She was upset I didn't tell her about our conversation the other night but I explained and it's okay."

"So she is okay with us going out together?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't she be? Let's go!"

We make a quick stop at the gas station on the way, I run inside to pay and grab a bag of chips and a drink for us to share.

"So, you okay?" I ask Zola when I get back to the car.

"Yeah. Ellis was just being annoying and wouldn't stop drawing all over my art homework. I had to start over like three times."

"Did you try doing it in your bedroom?" I ask, simply stating the rational fix for her problem.

"I couldn't because I was also helping Bailey with his math work."

"Couldn't your Mom help?"

"Normally but she has a really difficult surgery to plan for and she said the other doctors were stupid and now she needs to fix their mistakes."

"Yeah. She told me about that case. Y'know, no matter how busy she is, she will always make time to help you guys." I reiterate, making sure to give Meredith the credit she deserves. I know she wouldn't mind if Zola asked her to help.

"I know. I just didn't want to bother her."

When we get to the museum things are pretty quiet. There are people around and kids playing but it's not overly busy like I expected. I pay for our tickets and we head inside. It's interesting, unlike most museums, this one is all based around the human body, and human science. It teaches all about different areas of the body and has different zones for different body parts.

As we walk through the museum Zola asks many questions, most of which I can answer through basic knowledge from being a doctor, even areas that aren't my specificalty. We make sure to have a turn on everything, all the interactive equipment. We don't rush because we have all day, we just enjoy the time together. There are lots of activities in which you have to put body parts back together, something Zola has grown to be very good at. She can easily do the activities alone and often helps younger children with them. I keep watching from a distance but don't interrupt what she is doing.

"Aunty Melia, come look at this."

"What is it honey?"

"The liver is the wrong colour. Look at it. It should be pink like a tongue but it's turning brown." Zola explains and I laugh.

"You're right. Looks like the owner of this plastic liver is ill. Maybe they need to see a doctor."

"A doctor can't help him. He's plastic. Maybe he just needs new paint." Zola reasons and I nod, she is right. The liver is definitely the wrong colour, I'm not sure how much we can do about it though. "What would it mean if a real person's liver was this colour?"

"I don't see that many livers but I would guess he has liver disease." I ponder aloud. It's not a 100% accurate answer, but it's the closest thing I can think to an answer.

"Thats caused by too much alcohol isn't it?"

"A lot of the time yes. How'd you know about that?"

"Mom's dad was an alcoholic. She gave him some of her liver to make him better. I overheard her and uncle Alex talking about it." Zola explains and the information takes me by surprise. I knew Meredith's dad had issues and left when she was young, but I never asked for an explanation, it wasn't my place.

"Does your mom know that you know about that?" I ask, knowing I'm going to have to tell Meredith that she knows.

"I don't know. I didn't talk to her about him. How does alcohol damage the liver?" Zola asks again, not realising the significance of what she had just told me, instead wanting to learn more.

"Do you know how a liver works?"

"It removes toxins from the blood."

"Yep, and alcohol is technically a toxin so if you drink too much your liver can't break them down and it stops working properly."

"Then why do people drink it?" She follows up, the process being much simpler in her young brain.

"Because some people think it's fun and sometimes it helps them feel relaxed."

"Why don't you drink alcohol?

"Because when I'm drunk I make bad decisions." I explain, not really wanting to get into this conversation. Fortunately for me, Zola gets distracted by another exhibit.

The next exhibit focused primarily on genetics, something Zola had never shown interest in before but seemed surprisingly knowledgeable about. She looks around reading all of the signs before showing me a section where all of the information was from adoption studies. Were all of these studied on people like me? People who came from different countries?"

"Not necessarily. But all of the people studied were adopted."

"But why do they study the adopted people?" Zola asks and I make sure to take my time explaining the nature versus nurture debate. I explain how some things we are may be because of our genes, things we are born with and how we learn other things from the people who raise us. I expect more questions and concerns due to the fact that she was adopted, but the questions do not come. Instead, Zola tells me she thinks that the people who raise us teach us. She has lots of doctors in her family and she wants to be a doctor. She sees it so simply, we are her family and nobody can change that.

We intentionally left the brain exhibit until the end. I don't know how much information they will have but Zola insists she is going to learn something new. She easily completed the activities that involve putting puzzles together and one of the museum guides offers her a more challenging activity. He gives her a sheet of paper with a labelled diagram, telling her to memorise it and then she would be asked to label a brain on a white board. After a quick glance Zola hands the paper back and tells the man she doesn't need to memorise it. The man looks to be in his mid 60s and from his mannerisms I would guess he has been in this job for quite a long time. He seems surprised but offers her the marker and a step for her to label the large picture. Zola starts with what was written on the sheet she was given, labelling the lobes and the cerebellum, but then she adds more, labeling the limbic system, the sulci and gyrus as well as the dura and brain stem.

"Hey Zozo, why don't you tell this nice man what you want to be when you grow up?"

"A neurosurgeon. I want to fix people's brains." Zola explains confidently and the man nods in agreement.

"I can tell. You know I know a few doctors that might be able to help with that if you wanted." he offers to Zola and myself. I can tell he is trying to be kind but my niece just looks at me and giggles.

"My dad was a brain surgeon. Aunty Melia is a brain surgeon. My Mom and Uncle Alex and Aunt Maggie are surgeons too. Right Aunty Melia?"

"Hi. Amelia Shepherd, head of neurosurgery at Grey Sloan memorial. Thanks for the offer, but I think we have the doctor angle covered." I explain and he develops a perplexed look.

"Dr Amelia Shepherd, sister of Derek Shepherd. You did the ground breaking surgery on Nicole Herman's inoperable tumour. I've read about it."

"That would be me. For the record, I said from the beginning that tumour wasn't inoperable, it's just nobody else agreed with me."

"Dr Shepherd, we actually run a programme here for young people who are interested in careers in medicine. Would you ever consider doing a workshop here for us? You would be paid if course and your niece would be more than welcome to join. We have had a range of doctors in before but surgeons aren't as easy to get a hold of."

"I will definitely consider it. Could you email me the details?" I ask, telling him my work email address.

"You should do it. We could bring Arizona and Sofia too!" Zola says excitedly.

"Arizona is my partner, and head of paediatric surgery. Sofia is her daughter and Zola's best friend." I explain and he tells us they're both welcome to join if we decide to help out. I thank him for the offer and take Zola's hand in my own to finish looking at the exhibition. To make the most of our day.

* * *

Zola requested to join us at our apartment for dinner with the agreement that Meredith would pick her up with a reasonable amount of time before bed. The girls are in Sofia's bedroom playing while Arizona and I are preparing food in the kitchen. I tell Arizona about the day out and the different activities that the museum had offered.

"So Zola may have actually volunteered you to do something with me?" I begin and Arizona looks up.

"That sounds very ominous. Explanation please?"

"Well Zola impressed one of the men in the neuro exhibition by knowing way more than expected about the brain. Anyway she said I was a surgeon and he had actually heard of me, he knew of Hermans surgery and he asked me to help out with a workshop with kids who want to go into medicine. Zola said you should come and join with Sofia too. So you don't have to but if you're willing I may be doing this thing I honestly don't know right now, he might not even contact me." I explain before realising I'm rambling and stopping talking all together.

"I would be happy to help out providing I get plenty of notice so I can make sure I'm not working."

"I was thinking, if I do it, I may do a section on the relationship between physical and mental health, as well the surgery stuff. It feels right."

"That's an amazing idea. Let's just wait and see huh? See if they actually contact you first."

"So, did you and Sof do anything fun while I was gone?"

"Not really. We watched a few movies. She has decided she wants to go back to dance class, she hadn't brought it up since she lived with Callie but apparently she wants to go back. I'm going to call them tomorrow." Arizona says simply and I smile. I hadn't realised Sofia had been to dance lessons before but it doesn't surprise me.

"What type of dance did she do?"

"Ballet, Modern and a bit of dance acro, but she said she wants to go back to ballet and modern."

"My mom sent me to ballet lessons when I was little. Turns out I had two left feet, it wasn't meant to be." I laugh at the memory. I got through about 6 weeks of classes before giving up.

"That's okay. I won't judge. I don't have a left foot at all." Arizona says and we both burst out laughing. I didn't know what I had expected her to say but this wasn't it.

"Really? Okay. I'm going to get the girls for dinner."

Meredith arrives a short while later to pick up Zola. Sofia answers the door to let her in while Zola gets her things together.

"We are in here Mer, come on through." I yell, not wanting to leave the comfortable position in Arizona's arms.

"Really? That's no way to treat a guest."

"It's my sister. It's fine. Just be grateful we aren't fighting like we used to."

"She has a point. We never used to be able to sit in the same room." Meredith agrees as she enters and sits on the other couch.

"Told you. This is good. I am sorry about not talking to you last week though."

"It's fine don't worry. Are you sure you're okay? I meant what I said, I know this is a hard week for you." Meredith says and I sigh and nod my head.

"I'm fine, I promise." I explain, hoping she will drop the subject. I don't understand why she is making such a big deal of this.

Arizona clearly senses my nervousness or frustration and changed the topic.

"Amelia said Zola impressed the staff of the museum, she knew much more about the brain than expected." Arizona explains, nudging me to funnies the story.

"Yeah, she was asked to label the basic lobes but she went all out and named pretty much every brain area I learned in my first year at college." I add.

"I'm not surprised. She draws and labels brains for fun these days."

"Yeah it's fun. Aunty Melia you need to tell me more parts to memorise." Zola joins in, coming to sit by my side with her stuff.

"Okay. The fornix. It's a loop inside the limbic system. It's where dreams are made." I state and Zola pulls her backpack off and gets out a notepad. She opens it to a ready drawn diagram and gives me the red pen. It's how I teach her the new areas. I draw it in red pen and won't tell her more until she can do it on her own. I do a quick drawing of the fornix and write a quick explanation before giving her the book back. "Better?"

"Yeah thank you Aunty Melia."

"Okay. Shoes on." Meredith tells my niece so I get up to see them out.

When I head back to the living room I move to sit next to Arizona, just how we were sat before the commotion.

"What did Meredith mean when she said it's a tough week for you? You hadn't mentioned anything." Arizona asks me, and I know she is just trying to be caring, but I hoped she would have realised it wasn't something I wanted to talk about.

"I'm fine, I promise."

"Amy, she seemed worried. Are you sure?"

"I am fine. She had no right to bring it up." I reiterate, but the words come out of my mouth a little more harshly than I had intended.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but you know I'm here if you do right?" Arizona explains leaning back into our embrace. I know she is here, it's not that I want to hide this from her I just didn't feel the need to talk about it either. I don't appreciate Meredith bringing this up, especially in front of Arizona. I know Derek must have told her in confidence, and I know she didn't mean anything by it, I'm just frustrated. I didn't plan on having this conversation.

"This is the week of my Dad's death. I didn't tell you because I didn't feel like I needed to. I'm okay, I promise. Derek used to struggle a lot with this week, I guess she assumed I did too."

"You're allowed to grieve, you know. It's okay." Arizona tells me and I take her hand in my own confidently.

"I know that, but if I had a full breakdown on the anniversary of everybody I have loved that died, I would never have time to be happy. Dad, Derek, Mark, Christopher, Ryan, Michelle, Pete. I would literally never stop grieving."

"Michelle?" Arizona says with a questioning gaze.

"Story for another day."

"Okay. I just wish you would have talked to me." My girlfriend explains, pulling me closer. I understand why she is worried but there is really no reason to be.

"Arizona, look at me. I'm okay. I went on a ferry boat yesterday, like I do every year on the anniversary. My dad loved ferryboats, that's where Derek got it from. Because I can't visit his grave, it's how I deal. But I promise you, I am okay."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have freaked out. I should have trusted you."

"I'm not mad. I mean, maybe. But at Mer but not with you. I promise, I'm fine. Better even." I tell Arizona.

I hear a noise behind me so I turn to see Sofia stood at the doorway.

"Can I come in or is it a private conversation?" She asks quietly but I open my arms for her to come sit with us. "Amy can I ask you about your dad?"

"What do you want to know?" I respond, willing to let her choose the area of discussion.

"How did he die?"

"He got shot. There were two bad men, and they wanted his money. But it was a long time ago, there is much better security now." I add, not wanting to lie to her, but also not wanting her to be scared.

"Do you still miss him?"

"Yep, but I am okay. I promise. I think he would have liked you." I explain to the young girl, hoping that Arizona would realise that I am truly okay, and that she doesn't need to worry about me.

"I think I would have liked him too."

"What did he look like?"

"Do you want to see a picture?" I offer and she quickly says she does. I head through to my bedroom and get a photo and my sketch book. "This is the most recent photo I have but it's a little blurry. I drew this picture of him too."

"Wow. He looks like Zola's dad." Sofia says, her fingers gently stroking across the paper.

"Yeah, he did."

I don't realise I'm crying until Arizona wipes my eyes.

"Did I make you cry?" Sofia asks but I shake my head.

"No baby, you did nothing wrong, come here." I say, pulling her up from the ground and into mine and Arizona's cuddle space.

"I love you Amy."

"I love you too, both of you." I say turning to look at my girlfriend and giving her a quick kiss.

"I love you both so much."


	33. Chapter 33

Trigger warning: dark chapter, graphic descriptions of rape and self harm. Read with caution.

* * *

**Amelia POV**

_"Stop. No please. Don't do this. Please stop. I won't tell anyone just let me go home please. I want to go home."__"Shut up."__"Please don't do this. I don't want this. You're hurting me please stop."__I feel his hands tearing my clothing. He pulls my skirt up and slices my with his knife. He pins me down and shoves something in my mouth to force me to be quiet. He shoves his fingers into me and the pain is unbearable. I try to scream over the fabric but he pulls his fingers out of me and holds his knife to my throat.__"I thought I told you to shut up."__I don't respond to him I can't. I physically can't beg anymore. He starts to unbuckle his belt. I can hear the metal buckle and I know what's coming. I can't see anything because of the tears overflowing my eyes. I feel pain.__"Good girl."_

I wake up in panicked sweat. I can't slow my breathing. There is too much going on in my head. I suddenly nauseous. I can't make it to the bathroom so I jump out of bed and run to the small garbage can in our bedroom. There is just enough light from the street lamp outside the window to see where I'm going. I grab the bin and allow my stomach to release its contents. The bedside lamp flicks on so I know Arizona is awake.

"Amelia, are you okay?" She asks, climbing out of bed and scurrying across the floor. I can't seem to make my mouth work to respond but I think it's evident that I'm not okay.

"I'm going to tie your hair back okay?" Arizona asks and I nod a little, letting her know she can touch me. I feel her fingers gently brush my hair back because putting a tie in loosely. She moves to my side, waiting for me to finish and I reach to grab her arm.

"Okay, it's okay. What do you need?" She asks me and I shake my head, still not able to respond. Arizona carefully removes my grip on her wrist, replacing it with her hand, gently stroking my own with her thumb.

"Thank you." is the first thing I manage to say to my girlfriend. Not 'I'm sorry for waking you' like usual, just thanking her for being there.

"Can you tell me what you need?"

"Water, please." I reply and Arizona crawls to get my bottle from the bedside cabinet. It's only now I realise she hasn't got her leg on but she doesn't complain. It's rare to see her without it when there is no sex involved. She removes the cap from the bottle and passes the drink to me. I take a few sips, trying to remove the taste of vomit from my mouth before passing it back.

"Are you ill or was it a nightmare?" Arizona asks and I realise that the only time I've thrown up from a nightmare around her have been when I woke her up by sleep talking. I look into her eyes, tears filling in my own and she knows. I can see she knows. "I'm sorry." She says quietly, not having anything else to say.

"It's not your fault. He hurt me, not you." I say quietly.

"I know, I just wish I could take your pain away."

We sit there for a while, Arizona's hand gently combing through my hair, letting me know she isn't moving. "Is there anything I can do?" she asks once my tears have begun to subdue.

"I can still feel him. His hands are everywhere, his breath on my neck. I can feel him on me." I reveal with a shaky voice, trying my hardest to hold myself together. "I erm, I want to shower if that's okay." I see Arizona's body tense at the question and I look up to see what's going on.

"Are you going to hurt yourself?"

"I don't know yet." I answer honestly before asking a question in return. "Could you stay in the bathroom with me? I don't want to be alone."

"Of course. Do you want to shower now?" Arizona asks me and I nod my head. She crawls over to the edge of the bed, putting her leg on to allow her to stand. She takes my hand in hers and leads the way.

"Amy, I'm not sure where you want me." Arizona says as I lock the bathroom door. I take a deep breath and think things over, I actually hadn't planned this far in advance.

"Could you just turn around? I erm, I'm leaving my underwear on but I uh, I just."

"It's okay. You don't need to explain. Am I okay here?" My girlfriend asks and I flick my eyes to see where she is at. She is perched on the edge of the toilet seat, facing away from the shower.

"Yeah. That's fine. You're fine."

I remove my tank top I had been wearing to sleep in and turn on the shower to heat up. I don't remove my bra or panties when I step into the water, I'll just put them straight into the wash after the shower.

"I'm sorry I woke you up." I say to Arizona to relieve some of the tension.

"Don't worry about that right now. Just focus on you now okay?"

"I can't. When I think about me, I think about him." I tell Arizona honestly as I turn turn the heat up higher, needing to wash him away.

"He doesn't define you Amelia. I know it feels like that sometimes but he doesn't."

"He gets into my head. He will always be in my head." I say, the words coming out a little louder than planned. The tears that had been building in my eyes starting to overflow. I try to wipe them away but they keep flowing. I give up and let them keep falling. I let my emotions overflow as I scrub him from my skin and my sobs begin once again.

"Amelia, can I turn around? Please?" Arizona begs. I can see her getting restless with worry. "Amelia, I don't want you to hurt alone, please let me turn around.

"Ok." I say in a tiny voice, granting her permission and she almost immediately has me wrapped in a towel and sat on the floor in her arms.

I don't want to feel vulnerable like this. No matter how many times this has happened, there is no getting used to it. Arizona has one arm wrapped around my body, holding me close to her. Her other arm is gently caressing my hair as I rest my head on her chest. "You're going to be okay. Everything will be okay." My girlfriend says quietly enough to be calming but loud enough I can hear every word. "Just breath. I've got you. You're safe." She continues, keeping me close to her side. I feel my breath quiver but I hold myself together taking life one second at a time.

"It's been a long time since you've had a nightmare this bad. You want to talk about it?" Arizona offers.

"I- it erm- same old I uh, just couldn't wake up."

"I wish I could take it all away from you." Arizona tells me. It's not the first time she has said this but we both know she can't. But she loves me, that's one thing that has never changed.

"I'll be okay. I mean, it's hurts right now, but a lot of the time you make the hurt go away."

"I'm glad. Just keep breathing."

"I am. I'm okay. I want to finish showering, I can still feel him." I reveal and Arizona nods slightly and wipes my tears from my face.

"Mom, Amy, are you in there?" I hear through the door. Sofia must have woken up and neither of us were in bed.

"I'm okay. Go see to her." I tell Arizona. Sofia needs to come first.

"Okay. I'm just out here if you need anything." Arizona tells me, shutting the door on her way out.

Once she is gone I take a deep breath. A part of me is glad because I know I am going to cut, I've known since we entered the bathroom and I know how painful it would be for the both of us if she were here. I take my blade from the container on the top shelf, already feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt for my actions. I step back into the shower, blade in hand. I still have my underwear on but I don't care. I would rather have it on. I feel safer.

It has been over two weeks since I last resorted to my blade, something I had grown increasingly proud of. I'm not happy to be resorting to this. I'm ashamed and angry. It's difficult to explain. I don't want to do this, I need to. I need to feel the control over my actions. I need the pain to go away. It's not a choice I want to make, it's just I'd rather cut than lose my sanity, than turn back to the drugs. It's the lesser of two evils.

I drag the tool across my thigh and immediately feel the release of all the built up pain. I make another cut, then another, each time feeling calmer and in more control. The feeling of pain no longer, now just a sense of disappointment. Silent tears fall down my cheeks as I fall slowly against the wall until I'm sat on the shower floor. I try to scrub the remainder of my body of the clean of the remaining memory of his essence but slowly begin to feel light headed. My body is overwhelmed with a sense of calm and everything goes dark.

Pain. I feel pain. I blink my eyes awake to see I'm still on the bathroom floor, there is blood still dripping from my legs. Shit. I need to clean this up now. Sofia is still in the apartment. I grab a towel and push it down onto my legs but the dizziness starts again.

"Arizona" I mumble trying to get her attention but I know it's not loud enough. "Arizona." I say a little louder and I hear footsteps outside the door.

"Amy are you okay?" I hear Sofia's voice say quietly.

"Sof honey, could you get your mom please? Tell her I need yellow box supplies?" I explain, trying to disguise the real problem, keeping the conversation calm trying not to alert and worry the girl.

A few moments later Arizona is knocking on the door. "Amelia, can I come in?"

"Az it's bad. I need help." I say quietly, just loud enough for her to hear through the door. The door opens and closes, I feel her coming to sit beside me and take over pressing the towel down to slow the bleeding. I can't look at her, I can't look her in the eyes knowing what I've done. I just sit there and wait for it to be over.

"Amelia what happened? I thought you were okay?"

"I'm not okay. I don't think I'll ever be okay."

"Hey, hey, don't say that. It's okay, we are going to be okay. Lets get you cleaned up, I'm going to stitch these cuts for you alright?"

I don't say much else to Arizona while she is in doctor mode. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of my actions, I hate that I've fallen back on this again. It's been over two weeks, I was doing well, and now I've failed, again. Silent tears continue to fall down my face but I don't move. I'm trapped in my own thoughts. I hate that he still has this control over me, and I hate that Arizona has to put up with this. She deserves more that me, somebody who isn't broken and can hold thermals together, somebody stable who doesn't need so much care. But I'm what she chose. I'm who she chose. I need to be better for her.

"Amelia honey, let's get you dressed. We need to take Sofia to school and I don't want to leave you alone."

"You have work. You need to go."

"You're more important than work. I can call in sick, Alex can cover for me.

"You can't just not go to work because of me. There are more important people in the world than me. They deserve your help." I tell Arizona firmly but she just stops all actions and places her hands on my shoulders.

"You and Sofia are the most important people to me. Maybe my patients do deserve my help, but Alex can cover for me, they're going to get help anyway. Today, you come first."

"But your patients-"

"Will be fine. You are not fine. And think of your patients. What happens to all the patients that you haven't saved yet. Your patients need you to be okay. I need you to be okay. We all need you to be okay."

"But I'm not okay."

"I know. I know. Come here." Arizona instructs, holding her arms out for a hug.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you I just wanted it all to stop." I explain to Arizona, my tears building more and more. Instead of verbally responding, Arizona pulls me in tighter holds me as close as she can.

"You're okay. Deep breaths. You're going to be okay. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but I believe you can get through this. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Come on. Let's take our daughter to school."

* * *

**Arizona POV**

"Do something. Stop sneaking around like I'm going to break. Do something. Yell at me, take away my blades, anything. Please. Just do something." Amelia yells at me. Tears are streaming down her face and I know she is in pain, I'm just not sure what to do about it.

"Amelia stop." I try to tell her but she keeps speaking over me.

"No. I know you're mad. I just need you to do something." She spits at me.

"I'm not mad at you Amelia." I state simply and she flicks her eyes up to glare at me.

"You should be mad at me. I deserve it." Amelia says harshly.

"I think you're more mad at yourself than I am at you. I'm worried about you, but I'm not mad. Come sit down, let's talk this out. What do you need?"

"I don't know what I need." Her angry cries turn into quiet, heart wrenching sobs.

"Do you really want me to take your blades away?" I ask. Her statement earlier having caught my attention.

"I don't know. Maybe?"

"Don't you think you would be more stressed if you couldn't find them?"

"Maybe. Or maybe it just wouldn't be an option anymore. Or you could keep them, that way if it's really bad I could ask for them back." Amelia sobs, looking into my eyes. She is desperate.

"I'm scared Amelia. I'm scared if I take them you could resort to another blade, something sharper or more dangerous. I can't lose you. I just can't."

"I know. I erm, maybe we could discuss this with Anne at my appointment in a few days? She might have some ideas." Amelia suggests and I nod. It is a sensible thought but it doesn't make me less scared of the process. I know I should be happy she wants to stop, and I am, I just need to make sure we go about this in the right way.

"That sounds good."

We lay down on the couch, I hold my girlfriend as close to me as possible and we just relax. I'm scared, and Amelia is hurting, but we have each other. We make each other feel a little stronger, a little safer. Amelia drifts in and out of sleep for several hours but as tired as I am, I make sure to stay awake for her. After her nightmares last night, I want to be able to wake her before things get too bad.

Surprisingly, Amelia doesn't seem to have any dreams that were too upsetting. Maybe her sleep wasn't deep enough, but it was something. "Az? Are you awake?" Amelia mumbles quietly from the position she is in on my chest.

"Mhmm, what's up?" I ask nonchalantly, not wanting to trigger any hard feelings.

"Would you mind if we went out for a bit?"

"That depends. Where do you want to go?"

"To talk to Derek. I know it's stupid, and he probably can't hear me but sometimes I just go to his grave and talk for a bit, or sit with him. It helps." She tells me, pulling her arms around her chest, clearly feeling vulnerable. She doesn't really talk about her time out when she goes to the grave yard, I always just presumed she wanted to be alone.

"Sure. We have to pick Sofia up in a little over an hour, is that enough time or do you want me to ask Meredith or Maggie to pick her up?"

"That'll be long enough, I'm sure. I don't like asking my sisters to help out too often."

When we get to the grave yard Amelia is clearly more relaxed. I hesitate before getting out the car, unsure if Amelia wants to be alone but she comes to my door and reaches out her hand. She wants me to be there with her. I carefully climb out, accepting her hand in my own.

"I've never been here before." I tell Amelia quietly.

"I never brought you. I didn't know if it would be weird."

"It's not weird. He was your brother and my friend. It's more weird that I've never been him. We worked together for years. We survived hell together."

"Why haven't you?"

"At first I just, I couldn't bring myself to. Then the more time that passed the harder it was. I don't know."

"You didn't have to come y'know?" Amelia says with a nervous smile.

"I know. But you're hurting and I love you too much to let you hurt alone."

"You hear that Derek?" Amelia says with a smug smile, "She loves me. She is crazy about me. She won't leave me alone. It's a little stalkerish if you ask me but it's okay coz I love her too." She continues and I shake my head.

"You're lucky I love you. I wouldn't let just anyone bully me like that." I tease back, feigning offense.

"You hear that Derek? I get special treatment because she loves me too much." Amelia says, a little louder this time. "I know you were always quick to judge the people I dated, normally you disapproved of them, but I honestly think you would like Arizona and I together. She's good for me Derek. She is helping me. I know I'm still a little broken, well, a lot broken but Arizona is putting me back together. I miss you like mad but she takes away some of the pain." She explains and I wipe away a tear that is beginning to form in her eye.

"I know I can never do as good of a job as you did Derek, but I'm trying to look after her. I'll do everything in my power to help her, I promise." I say aloud. I'm not sure if I believe in the afterlife, but I know Amelia does. If there is even the slightest chance that Derek really can hear us, it's worth it.

"We have to go pick Sofia up from school now Derek, but I'll be back soon." Amelia says after a small while. She places a small drawing down next to the grave, a stone on the corner to hold it down. "I love you Derek." She continues before taking her hand in mine.

"Let's go get our daughter."


	34. Chapter 34

Just a short chapter to bring a little joy to your day :)

* * *

**Amelia POV**

Most doctors will tell you they pray for a quiet day at the hospital. A day where there are no emergencies and everything goes smoothly. I understand where they're coming from, it's nice to have a schedule, but there is nothing I hate more than slow days. I hate sitting around and waiting. I end up doing scut just as a reason to keep going. Hunt told me several times today that the interns and residents could handle what I was doing, but I had no surgeries and therefore nothing better to do. I can't go home because I need to be here in case of an emergency, but there is nothing to do. Boredom is the worst because it's when my mind begins to wander, and that's the last thing I need.

I wander through to OR2s gallery, the board said Arizona is operating so if nothing else it'll keep my mind occupied. I hadn't been sat there long when a commotion begins. My girlfriend has kicked out her intern for sneezing and causing a ruptured vein and now she has completely stopped. "I need someone more experienced than interns if this kid is going to survive." She tells somebody through a speaker phone that one of the nurses is holding.

"There is noone else. Dr Wilson went home with flu, the other residents and Dr Karev are all in surgeries." I hear Hunt's voice echo through the speaker. Without thinking too much more, I press the button on the intercom in the gallery.

"I'm free. Need me to scrub in?" I offer and Arizona's head flicks towards me.

"Do you not have any surgeries?"

"Not unless an emergency comes in and Koracick should be out of his in 10 minutes and free to take over if anything comes in. I'm free, what do you need?"

"Oh thank god. Scrub in, as quick as you can please." Arizona says, expressing clear relief.

I quickly make my way down to the OR and scrub ready to go in. I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing - I haven't operated on anything that wasn't the brain or spine in over a decade. As I make my way in Bohkee gloves me and puts on my gown. "Where do you need me?"

"Foster kid was shot in a drive by. I thought it would be simple - remove the bullet and stop the bleeding but come look at this." Arizona explains and I walk towards the patient. He has two tumours that I can see - one of which seems to be feeding directly from the renal artery.

"Oh my god. Has he been diagnosed? Is this in his medical records?"

"The only thing this kid has been diagnosed with is psoriasis. On paper, he is perfectly healthy." Arizona sighs.

"You said he was in foster care? Does he have anyone we can call?"

"I asked one of the nurses to call his social worker. He has a long road ahead. More retraction please?"

"What do you need me to do?"

"I need you to use your steady neuro hands, can you do that? I need you to make sure that this bullet does not move, not even an inch until I can resect around it."

"On it. Forceps please Bohkee."

With the bullet removed, we are left with just the tumours on show. "What's next? Close up and wait for the social worker?" I ask my girlfriend.

"Kill the intercom please." Arizona says, looking up to see a few members of staff sat watching. "What's next is we try to remove as much of the tumours as we can. Most Foster kids have bare minimum health insurance, only really covers emergencies. If we remove the tumours now we can say that the bullet caused emergency damage and hopefully give this kids a better chance at life."

"I'm in. Let's do it."

I let Arizona take the lead, this is her speciality, not mine. I do as I'm told, helping in any way possible until Arizona is stood still, staring at the connection with the renal artery.

"If I resect any more, the artery might burst but if I don't, chances are it'll grow back with a stronger connection."

"Okay, then what? What happens if it grows back?"

"A lot of chemo, radiation, dialysis and a slim chance of survival."

"But if we resect the chances are better?" I confirm and Arizona nods. "Then we resect. I'll be ready to clamp if it bursts, and then we go from there."

"Okay. Let's do it."

"I can't believe we got it all. He's going to be okay right?" I ask Arizona as we leave the OR.

"He's got a long road ahead of him, but he's got a chance to be okay. Thank you, for stepping in last minute. I really needed that."

"Not a problem, you did all the hard work. I was just there for the ride." I grin and she shakes her head. "But seriously, no big deal. It was nice getting to work with you, I can't remember the last time we were in the OR at the same time."

"I believe it was last June, woman with an aneurysm went into preterm labour." Arizona reminds me.

"Oh yeah, I remember that. Difficult case but somehow they both survived. We are a good team Robbins."

* * *

"So I've been meaning to ask you something." Arizona says quietly before getting into bed.

"What's going on?"

"I have a thing next month, and I was hoping you would come with me."

"What type of thing?"

"A Timothy related thing." Arizona says significantly quieter than she started the conversation.

"Timothy?" I ask carefully, not wanting to overstep. I can tell she is anxious, which isn't something that happens often, so I stay quiet and wait for her to continue.

"My brother. Every year for his birthday, I go to the beach in San Francisco. It takes a while to get there so normally I take about 3 days off work, and I go to the beach. San Francisco was the last place we went together before he died so ever since, I made sure to go for his birthday. I know its a lot to ask, you have work and things and I left things a little last minute but - "

"I'll have to talk to Bailey about getting time off, but of course I'll come with you. Does Sofia come too?" I ask curiously, trying to understand the plans.

"No, it's her spring break so she is with Callie." Arizona says and I see her carefully wiping her eyes.

I wrap my arms around my girlfriend and she leans against my chest.

"Tell me about Timothy?" I ask Arizona cautiously, giving her full control over what to bring up.

"He was smart, like really smart, but he never showed it. I think he thought people would think he was less cool or something. And we used to fight, all the time, over the stupidest things, but he always made sure to check on me before bed, make sure we weren't still fighting. When I was sure about my sexuality, he was the first person I came out to. I really wasn't sure what he was going to say, I was terrified, but he reached under his bed for a playboy magazine and pointed at the cover and asked me to settle an argument he'd been having with a friend about who was hotter. He protected me from the bullies at school and supported me every step of the way."

"I wish I could have met him. He sounds awesome."

"He was. He was awesome. His only flaw was refusing to be in photos with me. It's days like this I wish we had a photo together. Where neither of us are wearing a diaper."

"I don't have many photos of Derek and I either. I know the feeling and it sucks."

"It does. Derek knew you were Bi right?" Arizona asks me, and I nod to confirm. "How'd you do it? How'd you tell him?"

"I didn't, not exactly. He caught me making out with a girl when I was supposed to be in math. Honestly he didn't care about the girl, he cared that I was skipping class. We made a deal that he wouldn't tell our mom about the girl if I agreed to not skip lessons to make out with people." I explain, thinking back to that day. "I never skipped school again, and I only made out with people in my free time."

"That sounds embarrassing, but also kind of perfect."

"It was awkward, but I was relieved, I was sick of hiding and he didn't judge me, or tell anyone. Honestly I'm not sure if my mom knows. I'm sure my sisters do so they probably told her, they tell her everything. But I've never directly spoken to her about it. I've never had the need to until now." I reveal, having the sudden revelation out loud.

"Well, if you decide to tell your mom, you know I'll be here for you." Arizona tells me with a small smile.

"I know. I'll tell her next time I talk to her, which will probably be my birthday, so I still have a few months. I know I've told you we don't have the best relationship, but she isn't a bad person. She will tell me she is glad I'm happy, but secretly think our relationship is doomed."

"Why would she think that?"

"I'm hurricane Amelia, I leave a trail of ruin behind me, or at least I used to. That's why I hadn't told her about you yet, I needed to prove we could last." I reason with myself, as well we to Arizona.

"My dad knows about you, well, I mean, he knows your name and that we are dating."

"When did you tell him?" I ask. I wasn't aware her parents knew about me. Not that I kind, it's just surprising.

"He came to visit last year, you know that week where I agreed to leave you alone and we didn't talk until you had that nightmare and Meredith called me? He could tell I was distracted, so I told him I was thinking of you. I didn't say any details, just your name and I missed you but we had both been busy. Since then, whenever we talk, he asks about you."

"I like him already."

"He's been asking to meet you for over 6 months. Is that something you're up for? Not right now but at some point?" She asks cautiously, unsure if it would be too soon.

"I would love to meet the guy who raised a daughter this amazing. Just let me know when he's next in town."

"Seriously?"

"Absolutely."

* * *

Thanks for reading - hope you're staying safe :)


	35. Chapter 35

Woooo!! A long update to celebrate the end of my exams. Enjoy :)

**Amelia POV**

I pace around the front room looking at my phone, staring at her name. I've been planning to do this for a while but I needed to be alone, and right now Arizona is at work, Sofia is at school, and yet I'm stalling. I feel like an idiot… Who makes a phone call to their partners ex to ask for advice? I know, it's stupid, but she's the only person I could think of that could help me with this. I take a deep breath and look at Callies number on my phone before clicking dial.

"Shepherd, is Sofia okay?" Callie answers quickly.

"Yeah, she is fine, she's at school. I uh, sorry I know this is awkward but I uh, I actually wanted to ask you something." I blurt out, stumbling over my words.

"You're right it's awkward" Callie says with a small laugh before continuing "What's your question?" She asks bluntly, but not in a mean way, just direct.

"Arizona was talking to me about her brother and well, she said she was upset they didn't have any pictures together. Anyway, I draw, like I do art and I was thinking maybe I could draw them together, but I wanted it to be a surprise but then I don't know if that would be crossing a line and I don't even know what he looked like and you're the only person I could think of that might be able to help so like, yeah. Do you think it's too much?"

"Shepherd, stop rambling, I've seen your art and it's amazing. She would love that."

"Wait what? You've seen my art?" I respond, kind of shocked because it's not something I advertise.

"Sofia has posted multiple to me that you've drawn and she has colored in. You're really good. And if you look in Arizona's bedside table there are multiple photos of Tim, but could I advise on something?" Callie asks cautiously and I can tell its going to be something important.

"Sure, what is it?"

"The pictures Arizona has, he's in uniform. Maybe draw him without it, if that's not too difficult. It's kind of a trigger for her." The woman on the other end of the phone warns and I'm grateful for the information, but it's weird being told things about my girlfriends private life that's not from her.

"Of course, thanks for warning me and I mean, thank you so much for this, I really didn't know who else to ask."

"Arizona is lucky to have you Shepherd. I've got to go, incoming trauma."

"Okay, thanks again." I say quickly before hearing the phone hang up.

I head to our bedroom and carefully look through Arizona's drawer. I feel like I'm snooping, but I know it's for the greater good. I take a few photos of the images Arizona has before putting them back, not wanting to cause any damage to the originals. I look at the pictures in detail before getting out my sketching materials to begin practicing. I want things to be perfect. I sketch his face over and over, learning the right angles and shading for his face. He looks so much like Arizona, he has her eyes and her blonde hair. His smile is slightly crooked, just like Arizona's when she laughs. I need time to get this right, I can't rush it. I just hope she likes it. I hope that it's not too much.

* * *

I arrive at Sofia's school a few minutes before the final bell and make my way over to talk to Meredith who is waiting for Zola. She doesn't notice as I stand beside her, she looks exhausted. "Long day?" I say and she she spins to look at me, realising I'm by her side.

"Long night. I was called into work at 2am and haven't gone to bed yet." Meredith explains as we see the kids running toward us.

"Aunty Melia! Can you and Sofia come for dinner?" Zola asks excitedly, jumping into my arms. "Mom can they?" She begs, turning her attention to Meredith.

"As long as they don't have other plans." Meredith tells Zola who turns back to look at me.

"Tell you what, why don't I come and make dinner so your mom can get some rest, she's been up half the night." I offer.

Despite Meredith telling me repeatedly I didn't have to make dinner and that she could do it, I reassured her it was nothing and I didn't mind.

"You've met my mother right? She likes you?" I ask Meredith who looks particularly confused at the question.

"Yes we've met, and I think she likes me? I mean, we don't know each other that well. We haven't really spoken since Derek died. Why?"

"I realised a few nights ago that she probably isn't aware I'm bi. Like I know it's not a big deal but like, it's kind of a big deal, especially now in dating Arizona."

"I thought you came out when you were a teenager, Derek knew back then."

"Yeah but we made a deal not to tell my mom, not just about girls, but that I was dating at all. I was sure he would tell her anyway but then I found out Addison didn't know so he must have kept his mouth shut."

"Wait a second, you haven't told your Mom? You and Arizona have been together like a year already… You basically have a 9 year old kid."

"I know it's bad, but how do you even approach something like that? It's not like I can call her and say 'by the way, I'm bi and dating a woman and co-parenting her child" is it?"

"What does bi mean Aunty Melia?" Zola asks walking into the kitchen.

"It's when sometimes you kiss boys but other times you kiss girls, like Amy and my Mama." Sofia interrupts to answer her friend and I nod.

"That is right, it's short for bisexual and it just means that you can fall in love with people of either gender." I continue, giving Zola a fuller explanation

"Why are people bisexual?" Zola follows up and I take a moment to think.

"That's a big question. We don't really know, some people just are. It's like asking 'Why are dogs?' We just exist."

"Oh, okay. Can I play on the ipad Mom?" She asks, accepting the answer and quickly changing the topic.

"Sure, it's next to my bed" Meredith responds and the girls turn around to run up the stairs.

"So, when do you plan to tell her?" Meredith asks me, and I slowly shrug my shoulders. I don't know, I literally have no idea. I told Arizona I would tell her when we speak on my birthday, but it feels kinda wrong to wait for her to call me. Oh my god, who have I become.

"I do not know. Honestly it hasn't even crossed my mind that she didn't know until a few nights ago. We were never close enough to talk about those things. She doesn't even know I relapsed in LA, or that my fiance and my kid died. Being bi is kinda not a big deal after that."

"That is true, but you're happy Amelia. Being bi isn't something that happened to you, it won't pass. It's who you are. . She deserves to know that you're happy." Meredith explains. I know she is right.

"Derek would know what to say." I say quietly, smiling at the memory of a time where my brother could solve all my problems.

"Derek didn't tell your mom about me for several years, but then again, he was technically married to Addison when we first got together so… At Least you can say you didn't cheat." Meredith laughs and I nod. "But when he did, he just told her that we were happy, and I treated him well and we loved each other. She was happy for him, as will she be for you."

"Would it be wrong to tell her over a text?"

"Amelia…" Meredith warns with an eye roll.

"Yeah, I know, I can't."

"If you can explain it to your 10 year old niece, I'm sure you can have a brief awkward conversation with your mother."

I push the thought of my mother out of my head while we eat, enjoying watching Zola and Sofia play together and Bailey and Ellis bicker over the little things.

"Aunty Melia, did you draw the picture of Dad that was at his grave?" Zola asks as we finish up.

"What?" I question flicking my eyes past Meredith who is glaring at Zola to stop asking questions.

"We went to talk to him, and there was a drawing. Did you do it? It looked like that one you drew of Sofia ages ago." Zola explains and I nod showing my understanding. "I wanted to keep it but Mom said it was drawn for Dad so I had to leave it there." the young girl adds.

"Yeah, I did." I clarify, not denying it was my work, but not being sure what else to add. This is the second conversation about my drawing today, and it's not the easiest topic to talk about.

"Wait, you did?" Meredith jumps in, and I realise she probably didn't believe Zola when she had said it looks like mine before.

"Yeah, I uh, I draw sometimes. It's not a big deal. Who did you think had left it?"

"I have no idea. I just guessed it was someone I didn't know that well. I was impressed."

"Thanks, I guess."

"Could you draw another one for me Aunty Melia? So I can keep one?" Zola asks with a sad smile.

"Sure. I'll do one at some point and drop it off."

"Thank you!" Zola says, running around the table to throw her arms around me.

Meredith and I make small talk for several hours while the girls play. It's approaching 7pm when Sofia runs in holding my phone. "Mom just got home and wants to know when we will be back." She explains.

"Yep, we should probably get going kiddo. Get your stuff together." I tell Sofia who runs away to gather her things, still talking to her Mom on my phone.

Meredith thanks me again for cooking as I say goodbye to the kids, hugging them tightly and promising I'll drop by to see them again soon. Meredith tells me again to talk to my mom, telling me that it will be okay. I just smile and nod, taking Sofias hand in my own and heading out to the car.

It doesn't take us long to get home and Sofia runs straight into Arizona's arms.

"Sorry, we lost track of time." I explain. "How was work?" I ask, placing a quick kiss on her lips before I go put my stuff down.

"Work was good but I'm glad to be at home with my two favourite ladies. Did you have fun at Zola's?" Arizona asks Sofia who nods.

"Yeah but now I have to do my homework." The young girl explains, getting her work book from her backpack.

We offer to help Sofia, but she says she can do her work alone so I head through my bedroom to get my art supplies.

"You okay?" Arizona asks me, looking at my sketch book, then back to my face.

"Yeah, I told Zola I would draw a picture of Derek for her. She saw the one I left at his grave and Meredith wouldn't let her keep it because it was meant for him. I told her I would do another." I explain, flicking to a clean page. I make sure not to let Arizona see as I open the book, jumping over the pictures of Timothy, getting to a fresh side.

"I didn't think Meredith knew about your drawings."

"She didn't until tonight. Zola tried to tell her I did the drawing but Meredith didn't believe her until I said I had. It was quite amusing to see her face."

"So it didn't bother you?" Arizona asks me, clearly concerned. I don't blame her. When she found out I freaked out completely, but a lot has happened since then.

"Not really. It's not like I want my work on show for everybody, but I don't mind."

"I'm proud of you y'know."

"Can I ask you something?" I ask my girlfriend, still sketching but looking up quickly to check she was listening.

"You know you don't have to ask before you ask right?" Arizona retorts and I smile at the sarcastic tone.

"How did you come out to your parents? I was talking to Meredith, and I want to tell my Mom, I just, I don't know how."

"Honestly, I sat my parents down, thinking it was going to be a huge deal but it wasn't. My dad asked if I was still the woman he raised me to be, kind and good and I nodded and that was that. They didn't mind, they were just glad I was happy." Arizona explains. Her story is cute, it's ideal.

"Why do you have to come out to your parents? Shouldn't it just be fine to be who you are?" Sofia asks as she wanders in to sit with us.

"See! That's how I feel. I'm still me no matter who I'm dating." I tell Arizona who laughs.

"Yep, but your Mom is allowed to know who you're dating Amelia, we are your family. You and Derek both turned out to be amazing, accepting individuals. You must have got it from somewhere."

"Your Mom doesn't know you live with us?" Sofia asks innocently and I pull her into a hug, letting her sit between Arizona and I.

"You are so lucky that you have your moms who both love you soooo much, but not everybody else does. I'm not that close to my Mom. My family that I'm close to and who I trust, have known about you guys from the beginning."

"Like Addison?"

"Yep, and Meredith and Maggie. Just because my Mom doesn't know about you yet doesn't mean I love you any less." I tell her, pulling her closer.

"Why aren't you close with your Mom? Is she mean?" Sofia asks innocently.

"No baby, she isn't mean. We were just never that close. She made sure I had food to eat and clothes to wear and I know she loves me, but my big brother was always the one to give me cuddles and tuck me in on a night. He was the one I was close to." I explain carefully, checking that Sofia is okay.

"I think you should just tell her. You don't know what she is going to say until you do."

"She's right Amy." Arizona says with a smile. "And whatever happens, we are here for you."

* * *

**Arizona POV**

Amelia and I have run through every possible response that her Mom could give and how she would deal with each. Although she is nervous, I can tell she is also excited. She is happy here and she doesn't want to hide that anymore.

While I have been getting Sofia ready for school and myself ready for work, my girlfriend is in the next room talking to her Mom. Every inch of my being wants to run into the room and make sure she is holding it together, to make sure she is okay, but I'm not. I'm giving her the space to do exactly as she needs to, exactly how she needs to do it. I just hope it ends well. I need it to end well, for Amelia's sake. She deserves something to go in her favor.

They have been talking for over half an hour when even Sofia has noticed I am getting antsy. "Mom, Amy is fine, she will still be here after you've dropped me off at school." She tells me again, but I need to know that Amelia is okay, that she is safe and not going to do anything stupid when we leave. I approach our bedroom and knock lightly on the door before opening it.

"Hey babe, just going to drop Sof of at school. You need anything?" I ask her, still keeping my voice quiet, trying not to interrupt. I can tell she has been crying, but she seems okay. She is smiling.

"Could you ask Sofia to come in here quickly before she goes?" Amelia asks and I nod, going to get our daughter from the front room. When we get back I see Amelia has her phone opened to video call.

"Hey Sof, come over here. I want you to meet my Mom." Amelia explains with a shy grin and Sofia walks toward her. I wait by the door, watching the interaction when Amelia holds her hand out to me. "You too, come on." She hints and I move to sit beside them, but Amelia pulls me closer to her side before introducing us both on video.

We make small talk for a few minutes until I interrupt, telling Amelia I that I need to take Sofia to school so she isn't late, and telling her Mom it was really nice to meet her. "I love you Amy." Sofia announces as she wraps her arms around my girlfriend before getting up to leave.

"Love you too kiddo. See you later."

When I get back to the apartment Amelia is sat cross legged on the couch on her phone.

"So? It went well?" I ask her, already knowing she was okay but also opening a conversation for her to talk about her feelings.

"Yeah, I guess. Thanks for coming in last minute, she uh, she wanted to meet you guys."

"It was not a problem at all. She seems nice." I confirm. The interaction was fairly awkward, but I don't mind, it's what Amelia needed.

"She was practically about to run out the house to hop on a plane to meet you guys. I thought a quick video chat was an easier way to fix the problem. Not that I don't want her to meet you guys, I do, just not right now. Oh god I'm rambling." Amelia says, running her hands through her hair before looking back to me.

"Amy, hun, it's fine. Nothing to worry about."

"She didn't say much about me, well us. The whole dating a woman thing. It was awkward until I told her about Sofia, then she broke down a little, but she was happy for me."

"What was it about her that made her break down?" I ask Amelia, taking her hand in my own to show I'm here for her.

"Initially it was because I sent a photo, and my Mom realised she was Mark's daughter"

"Oh, right. Yeah that makes sense." I nod, Mark spent so much time around Amelia's family that the emotional connection is logical.

"Yeah but then she said that she hated herself for losing contact like this, and that she wished she had taken better care of me so that I was less afraid to talk to her about these things. I feel guilty, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to get close to her again. I managed to figure out who I am on my own, I don't need her anymore. I must sound like an awful person right now." Amelia explains, carefully wiping away the tears that were forming under her eye.

"You're not an awful person Amelia. You're right, you don't need her, but maybe she needs you. Maybe for her own sake, she needs to make things right." I suggest, trying to introduce a different angle to consider this from.

"I just, she was happy when we were talking about Sofia, and she said she wished she knew more about me, but whenever I tried talking about us it was like she changed the topic. I can give her the chance to get to know me, but I need her to give a little too."

"Maybe you just need to give her a little time, and while you wait, you have me and Sofia and Mer and Maggie and your nieces and nephews to keep you company."I explain, and she nods her head. I reach out a hand, using my thumb to wipe her tears before holding my arms out for a hug. She shifts her body closer to my own, wrapping her arms around my torso and placing her head on my chest.

"Thank you Arizona."


	36. Chapter 36

Sorry this took a while. I always write a few chapters ahead and I've been struggling with the one I'm on. Anyways, here is a chapter.

* * *

**Arizona POV**

Amelia and I hurry out of work and towards the car to get to Sofia's school for parents evening. We both know that being a doctor comes with the crazy schedule, but it has always been important for me to make sure I do all the things that the other kids mom's do, whether that is going to fundraising events or parent teacher conferences. Amelia asks me for the millionth time if I'm still okay with her coming along, to which of course I answer yes. She is one of Sofia's guardians and deserves the right to come to such events. I'm not concerned at all about her presence.

When we arrive at the school Sofia is waiting for us in the doorway of the main reception. "Mom, Amy, we are going to be late, come on." Sofia tells us and I look to my watch. We still have ten minutes until her first appointment but I don't see the point in arguing, instead we simply follow where she leads.

"Which teacher have we got first Sof?" I ask and she hands me her appointment card that she had filled in and I see 'languages'. When the teacher says Sofia's name Amelia looks at me and I take her hand. She seems a little nervous, and I make a mental note to check in with her once we have spoken to the teacher.

"Who have you brought with you today Sofia?" The teacher asks and I try to not to laugh. Its something that has happened before, when people aren't sure of a relationship status they ask the child to make it seem more 'normal'. It doesn't bother me.

"This is my Mom and this is Amy, her girlfriend. She lives with us." Sof grins as she explains.

"It's nice to meet you both. So I'd like to start by saying Sofia is an amazing young girl, her English and Spanish language skills are amazing. She is the only one in her class to be fluent in Spanish, and spends a lot of the lessons helping the other students in improving their Spanish skills. However, I was wondering how you would feel about switching her to our German class. I don't think Sofia is benefitting much, learning at 5th grade level Spanish. Of course she will still be able to take Spanish in high school for credits, but another language may broaden her horizons for now." The teacher explains, looking to us and then to Sofia.

"What do you think about that hun? You want to learn some German instead?" I ask Sofia, who shakes her head a little.

"The other kids are too far ahead in German, they have done it all year. I'll never catch up." My daughter says quietly, clearly anxious about the topic.

"I can help with German." Amelia states and we both look towards her.

"You speak German?" I ask, a little shocked that this topic hadn't come up before.

"Ich spreche ein wenig Deutsch" Amelia responds with a grin.

"I have no idea what you just said." I tell Amelia, and Sofia laughs at the strange words coming out of Amelia's mouth.

"I said 'I speak a little German'. I'm sure we could catch you up together if you wanted to." Amelia explains placing a hand on our daughters shoulder.

"I know it's a little scary, but we only want to help you learn. In Spanish you teach us when we are the ones supposed to be teaching you." Her teacher chips in.

"And if you learn German we can have secret conversations!" Amelia points out which makes Sofia laugh.

"Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that. Maybe you have to teach me too." I state, knowing that it's unlikely I would have time to pick up another language, but wanting Sofia to feel more comfortable around the idea. "Why don't we think about it, huh?" I offer and both Sofia and her teacher agree it's a good idea.

When we stand up, I give Amelia's hand a quick squeeze and she turns her head to look at me.

"You okay?" I ask discreetly, acknowledging that we are in a public place and she may not feel comfortable talking here.

"Yeah. Of course. Just, not really sure what to do. I've never been to one of these before."

"We just follow Sofia to where we need to go and have a chat with the teacher about her progress. Nothing to be anxious about." Amelia nods her head a little to show her understanding, but she is clearly still nervous. "Where to next Sof?" I ask my daughter, but make sure to keep an eye on my girlfriend, keeping her hand in my own as we follow my daughter through the hallways.

The rest of the meetings go just as planned. Sofia managed to introduce Amelia to her art teacher, telling her teacher that she wants her drawings to be as good as my girlfriends some day. Sofia is excelling in Science and Math, something that is unsurprising considering both her biological heritage and her upbringing. A lot of the teachers admitted they were concerned about catching Sofia up due to her transfer from New York mid school year, but they were all pleasantly surprised by her depth of knowledge and willingness to learn.

Just as we are about to leave, I am pulled aside by a teacher who we hadn't spoken to. She asks if we can have a moment to talk without Sofia around. Amelia quickly picks up on the cue and takes Sofia outside to distract her.

"Miss…" The teacher begins.

"Robbins, but call me Arizona please." I fill in the gap.

"Arizona, I'm Miss Thomas, Sofia's home room teacher."

"Hi, nice to meet you. Is everything okay? Has Sof done something wrong?" I ask, hinting that I need a little more information for a conversation to take place.

"No, it's nothing like that. Sofia is an angel, but I have noticed she has been having some issues with a few kids in the class. I have intervened several times when some of the other students have been making rude comments about your home life, and sexuality. I spoke to your daughter several times and she insisted each time that she was okay and didn't want the kids to get in trouble. Of course I made sure they apologised and gave them lunchtime detentions, I just wanted you to know what has been going on."

"Of course, thank you so much for telling me. She hasn't mentioned anything but I will make sure to ask her about what happened." I respond, a little shocked about the information I had just received.

Once we are all in the car, I turn around to speak to my daughter. "Sof, your homeroom teacher mentioned a couple of kids were making some mean comments to you, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I told Miss Thomas I was fine too. They didn't upset me. I know that you and Mama and Amy love me and I don't care what they say."

"Honey how long has this been going on for?"

"Since I moved back here, but really I'm okay. Me and Zola just ignore them and play our own games."

"Y'know, when the other kids are mean you can tell the teacher right? You don't have to wait for the teacher to interrupt on her own."

"But I didn't want them to get in trouble."

"Why not? They were being mean."

"Jamie's parents are fighting all the time, and his dad is moving out and he's sad. And Hannah's little sister has cancer and her parents are always at the hospital with her. They're both just mad that I am happy at home. I don't think they're always mean, I think they're just sad."

"That's very smart of you, and you're right, it may just be because they're jealous, but that doesn't make it okay. It's never okay to be mean to people." I explain and my daughter nods. "I'm proud of you for being so understanding baby, but I don't want them being mean to you either."

"They don't say mean things about me, just about you. I told them that it doesn't matter who you love as long as they're kind and love you too. He didn't really have anything to say after that." Sofia explains calmly. I feel awful that I'm the reason she is being tormented, but I'm also extremely proud of her. Her rational responses to the problems raised, and her understanding of other people's emotional situations. I'm proud to have raised such a caring child.

"Y'know Sof, when I was younger, some people would say mean things about my family, and even though it wasn't about me it still hurt a little bit, and that's okay too." Amelia tells our daughter quietly with a sad smile.

"It made me a little sad at first but it really doesn't anymore. I just wish they would understand that it doesn't matter if you're a boy or a girl. Can we go home now?"

"Sure thing baby. Just remember we are here if you want to talk about? We both love you so much."

"I know. I love you Mom. And I love you too Amy."

Amelia POV

When we arrive back at our apartment, Sofia runs straight to her room to put her bags down. I follow in her direction, moving to sit on the edge of her bed. "Come here, kiddo." I instruct, holding my arms open for a hug. "I'm so proud of you for doing so well in school." I continue.

"I didn't do anything special. I just do all my work."

"No, you try really hard when you do all your work, and that means you get really good grades, and your teacher said you liked to help other kids with their Spanish. That is something to be proud of."

"Yeah. I like helping the other kids, that's why German sounds scary. I don't know anything. I don't know if I can learn it all." She responds timidly.

"I felt a little bit like that when I started med school, and look how good I am now." I joke, pulling her into my side.

"Yeah. You're the best neurosurgeon I know."

"Hey, I'm the only neurosurgeon you know." I retort, tickling her sides.

"No. I know some of the ones in New York. You're definitely the best."

"Well then, thank you. And you know that it doesn't matter if you struggle with German, as long as you try your hardest it doesn't matter. Me and your Mom and your Mama are already so proud of you." I iterate, making sure to look into her eyes.

"Really?"

"Definitely. How about pizza for dinner? To celebrate how good your teachers said you were."

"Can I have pepperoni?" Sofia asks with a small grin.

"Sure"

After a few moments of cuddles I get up to leave Sofia's room. Just as I am approaching the door, I hear her call my name. "Amelia, could you tell my Mom that I'm okay? The kids at school really don't bother me. I don't want her to be sad."

"I know, I don't want her to be sad either, but she is allowed to worry about you. Something I have learned about your mom, is that she worries more when you don't tell her things. If you tell her about these things when they happen, then she doesn't have to worry now because she knows everything already. " I reveal. In my experience, I know Arizona worries more when I hold things back, when I won't talk to her.

"I know. I just didn't want Mom to think it's her fault."

"We know it's not our fault okay, but that doesn't mean we don't want to know about these things. You're allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings, but with things like this it's important that you talk to us okay?"

"I'm sorry." The young girl whispers quietly, wrapping her arms around me, tighter than before.

"It's okay. Come on, let's go tell your Mom we are ordering pizza before she starts making dinner."

Sofia's mood seems to slowly increase, getting back to her usually bubbly self. Arizona and I try to avoid the topic of school, knowing that the young girl has probably had enough of the topic for one day. As the day comes to an end, Sofia gives me a hug before asking her Mom to help tuck her in. It's rare that she asks for the company on a night, usually she says goodnight in the living room before heading to bed to read for a small while, but neither Arizona or I rise to the change. While my girlfriend is gone, I take the pizza box from the coffee table to put the leftovers in the fridge before heading back to the couch and turning on the TV.

"Hey, Sof okay?" I ask Arizona as she walks toward me about 20 minutes later.

"She said that she was sorry for keeping things from me and that she didn't realise that would make me more sad until you explained it to her. What did you say? She wasn't making complete sense."

"She asked me to tell you that she was fine, and that the kids didn't bother her but I told her to tell you herself. I also explained that you worry more when I don't talk to you than when I do, and that maybe she should talk to you before you have the chance to worry." I tell my girlfriend simply, talking her hand in my own as she sits down beside me.

"I get why she didn't want to talk to us, but why do you think she felt she could speak to you and not me? I'm glad she has you, really I am, but it still hurts a little that she chose you over me."

"She specifically stated that she didn't want to upset you, rather than us as a couple. I'm presuming it's probably linked to what exactly the kids are saying. You are an amazing Mom for her Arizona, no one can replace you in her life."

"I know that. I know you're not trying to replace me. I just want to understand."

"You remember when we first met, and I would get a little emotional when you found things out about me, especially at first, but it was rare that things would spiral out of control while we were taking." I begin, and Arizona twists her body to lean into my arms.

"What about it?"

"Well, when I talked to Addison, it hurt so much more and I had more extreme reactions and it was just harder in general, because we have so much history. I think it's kinda like that. I'm the new person in the house, so it's easier to talk to me. It's definitely not a reflection of your relationship."

"You're probably right."

"Of course I am, I'm a genius, remember." I tell Arizona sarcastically, referring to Sofia's words earlier in the day.

"Yeah, you're my genius."


	37. Chapter 37

**Arizona POV**

"You okay Mom?" Sofia asks me as we pull up in to parking lot at the airport. Although she doesn't know the full extent of my phobia of planes, she has a reasonable enough understanding to know of my fears.

"I'm fine. I'm just going to miss you is all. You sure you remembered everything?"

"Yep, and I'm only with Mama for a week, and you have Amy to keep you company. I'll be okay." My daughter tells me maturely before unbuckling her seat belt and getting out of the car.

We get her suitcase out of the trunk and make our way toward the building to check Sofia in. Each time she makes the journey I notice her independence sparking, showing more knowledge of how to travel alone. She checks herself in and drops her bag off, talking to the lady who tags the bag, like it's the most natural thing in the world. Due to Sofia's young age I have special permission to go through the airport and wait at the gate with her. The staff give me a pass and we make our way through the airport.

"Mom can I get a snack for on the plane?"

"Sure, go choose what you want." I offer, passing her $20 and her boarding pass that we know she will have to scan to make a payment, making sure to watch her movements so I don't lose her with the amount of people around.

With snacks bought, we make our way through to the gate that had just been announced, making sure I talk to the members of staff there, letting them know that Sofia is a minor who is traveling alone, and that Callie will be meeting her at the gate at the other side. As usual, they agree to let Sof into the plane before the other passengers, letting her meet the staff and find her seat.

"Hey, Amelia asked me to give you this for the airplane ride." I tell Sofia, reaching into my bag to take out a present.

"It looks like a book. Is it a new book?" Sofia asks excitedly.

"Open it and find out!" I prompt and within seconds the paper wrapping is gone, shoved into my arms while she looks at the present.

"I told Amelia I wanted to read this one last week!" My daughter expresses with a wide grin.

"She was planning on keeping it a secret until your birthday, but then she thought it might be a good way to keep you busy on the plane. You like it?"

"I love it. Tell Amy I said thank you when you get home please." Sof instructs as the flight attend taps my shoulder, telling me it's time to say goodbye.

I wrap my arms around my daughter, telling her I love her and I'll pick her up right here next week.

"I'll text you when I get there. Love you Mom." Sofia says simply, taking the flight attendants hand to head to the plane.

"Love you too sweetheart. Be good." I say, just loud enough for her to hear, waiting for her to turn around before wiping the growing tears welling in my eyes.

* * *

**Amelia POV**

I waited around the apartment, making sure we have all the necessities packed for the trip. Over the last three weeks I have been slowly working away at the drawing of Arizona and Tim, her brother, in preparation for giving it to her while we are away. It took too many attempts, and much experimentation with techniques but I have settled on a sketch of the two of them, Tim seems to be about 21 in the images, so I have drawn him as such and made Arizona younger. Although you can still identify the work as mine, I decided to use a few subtle colours, not too much, but enough to add another layer of realism to it. After some consideration, I also bought a frame as a way to protect it. I don't know whether Arizona will want it on show, or whether it would bring up too many memories to look at regularly, I don't know. What I do know is that she will appreciate the effort. The pain I saw in her eyes when she admitted she didn't have any pictures of the two of them when they're recognisably themselves, although I can't take that pain away, this is the one thing that I could do to comfort her, and I know she will appreciate that.

I carefully place the wrapped frame within my drawing backpack, knowing that's somewhere Arizona wouldn't accidentally find it as she never goes in the bag, she doesn't have a need to. I plan to give it to her in the safety of our hotel room in San Francisco when we arrive. I also packed the thought jar Arizona gifted me, all those many months ago, knowing that I may need it. In addition I collect my yellow container holding my blade and supplies from the bathroom. Arizona and I discussed leaving it behind, but then Arizona thought about how I may be more stressed without it, knowing it isn't there. My main concern, not that I told Arizona about it, was that if I didn't have my blade, it may cause breakdowns, and this weekend (albeit a long weekend) isn't about me, it's about Arizona. I need to be the strong one for the next 4 days.

I'm unsure of the events that will unfold while we are away. Arizona has told me that she has never brought anybody with her for this trip before, she has always faced her pain alone. She is so good at hiding her pain in order to help others that I can count on one hand the times she has broken down in front of me. Sure, she has allowed herself to be vulnerable, she has talked about her pains, her fears and her past, but not in a way that has required me to show her comfort. I find myself packing a box of kleenex incase they're needed before closing the case and carrying it to the living room. I make some sandwiches and grab some fruit and bags of chips to take in the car incase we get hungry, putting them into a grocery bag before heading to the couch to wait for my girlfriend to return.

When Arizona gets home, I can immediately see her pain. I quickly gravitate towards to wrap my arms around her body, remembering how much she hurts when Sofia leaves. "She will be okay. I promise." I whisper into the embrace. "I love you." I continue softly.

"I know. I love you too." Arizona says into the hug, and I feel her moving her arms to wipe her eyes.

"Want me to drive the first stretch?" I offer, knowing she didn't get much sleep last night and may want the rest.

"S'okay, I'm awake enough at the moment, but I may need you to take over in a bit. Have you finished packing?"

"Yep, I just need to put the case in the car. You want to leave now?" I offer, recalling the conversation we had last night about leaving as early as possible.

"Just another minute of hug please."

"I can do that."

We have been on the road for around 6 hours when we stop for a snack/bathroom break. We purchase a couple of bottles of water to go as we had finished the ones we had brought with us and we top up the gas tank, making sure we have enough fuel for the rest of the journey. "Az, honey, I'm going to take over driving, you're exhausted and could do with the rest." I explain to my girlfriend, placing a kind hand on her shoulder.

"Are you sure? I could keep driving, I'm okay." Arizona tries to convince me but I nod my head indicating I'm sure.

"It's okay, I promise. Just make sure to put the zip code into the GPS before you fall asleep. You want to pick the music?" I offer, unplugging my phone from the charger to allow her to play music without draining her phone battery. She accepts the offer and after a few minutes the music starts to play.

"The Eagles? Good choice, I love their music. " I compliment.

"They were one of the only bands Tim and I could agree on. I didn't know you liked classic rock." Arizona retorts.

"Hmm, it's my preferred genre, I listen to other stuff too but classic rock was my Dad's style. Did you think I just listened to Disney all day like I do with Sofia?"

"I mean, I'm pretty sure Sof isn't the only one who enjoys your Disney playlist. it wouldn't surprise me if you listened to it while she wasn't around."

"Hmm, I have but not very often, only when I need cheering up. Speaking of Sofia." Amelia says as Callies name pops up on the screen in the car. Amelia clicks answer and our daughters voice appears through the hands free system.

"Hi Mom, I got to New York and I'm with Mama. The flight went super fast and I finished my book."

"Already? That was quick. Was it good?"

"It was amazing but also really sad. At the beginning the main character moved to a new city and she was really lonely and so she had an imaginary friend to play with. Everybody thought she was crazy so she still couldn't make any friends, but it didn't upset her because her imaginary friend was really smart and fun. Then her parents told her she needed to stop pretending and she needed real friends but then at the end they realised the imaginary friend wasn't imaginary, she was a ghost of a girl that used to live there. Can you believe that? It was crazy!" Sofia lists off, seemingly without taking a breath between sentences.

"Wow, it sounds like it was amazing sweetheart, it sounds very complicated though." Arizona replies.

"The best stories are the complicated ones. If it was all simple it would be boring." Sofia explains and we can practically hear her eyes roll at Arizona's previous statement.

"Did you tell Amy I said thank you?"

"I did, but she can hear you if you want to say it yourself." Arizona replies.

"Thanks Melia, I loved the book."

"You're welcome kiddo, I'm glad you liked it. So did you have a good flight?" I ask her, trying to ease Arizona's tension a little more.

"Yeah. I was sat next to a girl and her Dad, she had a book too. They said they're on the same flight back to Seattle as me next week so we are going to read each other's books on the way back."

"That's a great idea. Was she the same age as you?" Arizona asks Sofia and I realise this is a question I hadn't even considered.

"She was in 6th grade, so she was a year older. She said her cousin is on Broadway so they're going to see her sing in a show while she is off school."

"That sounds really exciting. I'm sure she will have lots of fun, just like you will with your Mama." I offer, knowing that despite Arizona and I both missing her immensely, she is safe and happy.

"Yeah, Mama said we can go bowling and get ice cream. I have to go now because we are at the car. I'll call you both later. Bye Mom, bye Amy. I love you."

"We love you to sweetheart" Arizona retorts quickly, a small smile appearing on her face.

"Talk to you soon." I add before Sofia ends the call.

"You feel better now she has landed?" I ask my girlfriend, placing a hand on her thigh, giving it a comforting rub before placing it back on the steering wheel.

"Yeah. It's stupid, I know the likelihood of what happened to me happening to her so so tiny, but it's still scary. But now it's over, and I feel like I can breath again."

"Az, it's not stupid. Firstly, as you tell me all to often, all of your feelings are okay, and they're never stupid. Secondly, you went through something unimaginable for most people. You survived hell. Sure the likelihood of that happening is tiny, but you have every right to be scared. There is nothing wrong with understanding the facts and still feeling scared. Don't minimise your emotions because of the facts. Your emotions matter too."

"I, I know. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I love you, and everything is okay. We are safe, Sofia is safe and everything is fine. Why don't you try to get a bit of rest? You look exhausted."

"Gee, thanks." Arizona says and I feel the sarcastic eye roll without taking my eyes away from the road.

"You know what I mean. There's a blanket behind my chair if you want it." I offer and see her reaching to get it from the corner of my eye.

"Can I put the music back on while I try to sleep?"

"Sure. Whatever you need."

"You know I love you right?"

"I know. I love you too."


	38. Chapter 38

_Sorry it took so long to update, a lot of crappy stuff is going on for me at the moment so writing has kinda taken a back seat in my life. Anyways, enjoy this chapter_.

* * *

**Amelia POV**

"Hey, did we bring a pen?" Arizona asks me, making her way through to the bedroom.

"I have some in my backpack. I'll get you one, give me a moment."

"I can get it, don't worry."

"Arizona, wait. It's okay, I've got it. Don't go in the bag." I say quickly, realising that's where the present I made her was placed. I jump up from the chair where I was sat to move towards Arizona and the bag in her hands.

"Amelia what is going on?" Arizona asks me carefully, bringing the bag to me rather than opening it, being respectful of my wishes as always.

"Nothing, it's fine."

"You know I wouldn't pry while I was getting a pen right? I will never invade your privacy like that. I will only ever look at what you're willing to show me." She places her hand on my cheek, gently moving our positions so I'm looking into her eyes.

"I know. It's not that, I promise. I trust you." I reassure. I know she would never hurt me. She is one of the most accepting, caring people in the world and I trust her every move.

"Then what? I don't understand."

"I brought you something, a present I guess. I wasn't going to give you it until tomorrow but I guess now is as good a time as any." I mutter quietly, watching her facial expressions change from confused to intrigued. I carefully unzip the bag, first handing her a pen before cautiously removing the wrapped frame.

"Before you open it, I want to apologise for not asking, I just, I wanted it to be a surprise but I'm thinking now maybe that wasn't the right way. I just, I want you to like it." I panic aloud, all of these thoughts coming to mind now. I invaded her privacy to get the pictures, I drew her dead brother without even telling her I knew what he looked like. I could have made a very bad decision.

"Amelia, you didn't have to get me anything, but I'm sure whatever it is, it'll be perfect. It has to be, because it's from you. Can I open it?" Arizona asks and I nod my head, but don't look to see her reaction.

"Amelia, this is Amazing. How did you? This must have taken forever." Arizona says, her voice shaky. I flick my eyes a little towards her, seeing her hand shaking as her fingers trace over the image before lifting her hand to wipe her tears. "It looks exactly like him."

"Yeah, I erm, I based it on the pictures you keep of him. I'm sorry for going through your stuff, I know that was wrong I just."

"Amelia, I don't care. I love it. You've given me my brother back. We are together, and happy. If I didn't know better I would have guessed you drew this entire thing based off a picture of the two of us together."

"You really like it?" I ask nervously, my heart beat beginning to regulate again, recovering from the nerves.

"I love it. I love you. How long have you been working on this?"

"Since the night you asked me to come here with you. I erm, I really didn't know if it was a good idea, but also I kind of wanted to keep it a secret. But then I realised I didn't even know what he looked like. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that Callie helped. Not exactly helped but like, she told me where the pictures were and told me that it was a good idea and that you would appreciate it. So I'm sorry about talking about this with her I guess? I just didn't know who else to talk to."

"She told you to draw him without uniform?" Arizona asks, but it feels more like a statement than a question.

"Yeah. She didn't say much, just that it can be triggering. How'd you know?"

"She was the only person I had told, and the only pictures I have that you could have worked from he was in uniform. I guess I just put two and two together."

"I'm sorry if I wasn't supposed to know. I didn't mean to intrude or pry or anything."

"No, it's okay. I, I want to be kind of pissed at Callie, but I can't be. She told you the truth and now I have this amazing piece of art, and she was right to request it without uniform. It is still kind of an issue." Arizona states without much of an explanation.

"Want to talk about it?" I offer, leaving the choice completely in her hands.

"Not right now, if that's okay."

"Of course that's okay. What do you want to do?"

"Cuddle with some bad TV and order takeaway?"

"Sounds perfect."

* * *

**Arizona POV**

I have never brought anybody else on this trip with me before. I come here every year, I always stay in the same hotel and I spend the weekend alone with my feelings, only this year I'm not alone. I look at Amelia, laid comfortably in our hotel bed, she had fallen asleep not long after we finished eating. I collect the food packaging that has been left scattered across the room and put it all in the trash.

It's strange having someone here with me. It's strange to talk about Tim with someone else. When he died, it became too painful for my parents to talk about him. I learned to keep quiet, and to only miss him in silence. Over the years that Callie and I were together, his name was mentioned periodically, but never in deep discussion. I had to tell her about him when I first disclosed about these trips, but I never felt safe enough to bring her with me. Now I have Amelia here, somebody who has loved and lost far more than I could ever imagine. I'm grateful she is here, really I am, but I don't know how to let my guards down. I don't know where to go from here.

I make my way to the bathroom and turn on the shower. I end up sitting on the shower floor as I do not have my shower stool, and this shower doesn't have the rails I have at home to hold onto. I don't take long to wash myself, I'm tired, and the floor is uncomfortable. I simply wash my body, ignoring my hair for now, Amelia may have to help me wash it tomorrow. I turn off the running water, wiping the tears that have been flowing and wrap the towel around myself. I don't regret bringing Amelia. Sure, it's going to hurt when she sees me upset, but I don't regret it. Out of everybody I know, she is the person who is most likely to understand, and I love her more than words can describe. She trusts me to see her at her most vulnerable, so I am trying to do the same.

I brush my teeth and put on panties and a tank top to sleep in before making my way to the bed where Amelia is sleeping. My body feels weighted with the emotions I'm experiencing, I just want to curl up in bed and cry. Besides my better judgment, I crawl my way over to her body, placing my head on her sleeping chest and listen to her heart beat. The duvet wraps around our bodies as my tears continue to flow. I don't try to fight it, I just lay in my girlfriends embrace.

"Arizona are you okay?" Amelia asks me, still half asleep and I feel bad for waking her.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you." I offer, my tears still streaming down my face.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, you're okay." Amelia says quietly, sitting up a little and wrapping her tightly around my body. "What can I do?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Arizona you have nothing to be sorry for. You're allowed to wake me if you need me, It's okay." Amelia says honestly, one of her hands making its way to the back of my head, and the other gently stroking up and down my back.

"I miss him."

"I know. I wish I could bring him back for you." Amelia says quietly.

"I feel so stupid. He would call me stupid if he were here."

"Why would he call you stupid?"

"Because I'm crying over him instead of making the most of my time with a beautiful girl."

"We have all the time in the world, I'm sure this beautiful girl can survive for a few days." Amelia says with a slight laugh.

"I just can't seem to stop crying." I admit after a smile while, moving my hand to wipe the steady flow of tears from my eyes. "I feel so dumb. I don't want you to see me like this."

"I know. That's exactly how I feel everytime I cry in front of you, but it's okay. Nothing to be ashamed of. I love you, and you being upset isn't going to change that." Amelia explains quietly, holding me against her chest.

"I know. I love you too. I just want the pain to go away. How do you make it stop?"

"I wish I could tell you. For so long I tried to make it stop, but I eventually figured that it doesn't work like that. You can't just step out from it, you've got to go through it. And you're not going to be alone, I'm here." Amelia explains caringly and I can't help but let out a small laugh through the tears.

"Have you read the kids book 'we're going on a bear hunt'? I know what you just said was deep and emotional but all I could hear was 'you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you have to go through it!' from the book." I explain, my body still shaking in her arms but smiling at the thought of the book I used to read to Sofia.

"I have no idea what you're talking about but I'm glad my heart wrenching speech about pain makes you happy." Amelia replies sarcastically, and I hope I haven't hurt her feelings.

"I didn't mean it in an insulting way, I really did appreciate what you had to say."

"I know. I'm not offended, but you are going to have to show me the book you're talking about at some point." Amelia says with a small smile.

Amelia sits herself up properly to sit against the headboard, pulling me up to go back to laying in her arms in a position we are both comfortable in.

"I'm giving you warning that the rest of this weekend will probably be just as bad as this. I erm, I probably should have warned you before you agreed to come." I tell my girlfriend. I don't move to look at her face, I just stay in her arms until she responds.

"It's okay. I'm just glad you're letting me be here. Just tell me if there is anything I can do to make anything better."

"You don't have to do anything, just be you. You are helping."

"I'm glad, but if you think of anything, I'm here."

"I guess there is one thing. I normally get the disabled room, but it was already booked so I may need some help washing my hair tomorrow. I'm sorry, its stupid."

"I'm sure we can deal with that. I am fairly familiar with the process of washing hair." Amelia jokes and I nod a little, but can't find the energy to laugh.

"Thank you."

"Not a problem"

"Not just for the hair washing, but for being here, not judging, I don't know. Just, for everything."

"Not a problem, I'm happy to be here. Try to get some sleep, I'm not going anywhere." Amelia assures me, placing a kiss on the top of my head. "You're safe with me."

I try to go to sleep like Amelia suggested, but my thoughts are still spiralling out of control. My heart is still pounding and I toss and turn trying to get comfortable, but all attempts fail. I open my eyes to see Amelia still awake, she is watching me. I let out a small sigh. "You want to sit up and talk for a bit?" She offers and I nod my head, shifting my body into her side.

"I'm sorry." I mutter quietly and she strokes my hair out of my face.

"Everything is okay Arizona. I promise you, it's going to be okay." She whispers, her arms keeping me safe In her embrace.

"What happened while I was asleep? Do you know why you got so upset?" Amelia asks caringly, taking my hand and giving it a light squeeze.

"I told you I hadn't brought anyone with me before. I just, I've never felt safe enough to. And now I have you, and I know you're never going to judge me for my emotions, but also I don't really break down in front of people. It's weird, and embarrassing and I just feel so stupid."

"I get that. I don't think anyone likes crying in front of people, but you're right. I'm not going to judge you."

"When Tim died, it hurt so much, but after the first few days it was like my parents forgot he existed. When I cried over him, they told me to wipe my tears and be strong. They said he wouldn't want me to cry over him and that he knew what he signed up for when he joined the army. Ever since, I only ever cried in private. I didn't want to give my parents a reason to be upset with me." I reveal, I have never told anybody this before, and I didn't realise its significance until I hear the words flow from my lips.

"I don't want you to hide your emotions Arizona. Maybe it just hurt your parents too much to talk about him, but you're allowed to talk about him whenever you want. You're allowed to be proud of his sacrifice, and you're allowed to miss him. I don't want you to hurt alone." Amelia explains and I nod, but I'm not ready to discuss this any further.

"Thank you. I erm, I think I want to get some rest. Could I erm…" I start, but my speech trails away. It's a bad idea.

"What is it?" My girlfriend prompts.

"It's okay, I don't want to cause any nightmares for you, it's fine"

"What were you going to ask?" Amelia asks me again, waiting for an answer.

"Could I lay in your arms?" I finish timidly.

"Of course, come on, let's get comfy." Amelia responds like it's the easiest decision in the world.

"Are you sure this is okay? I know you don't like contact much while you sleep."

"If it'll help you feel better, then it's perfect. I'm okay, we are okay."

Amelia tightens her grip around me, not uncomfortably tight, but enough to make me feel secure. "You're safe with me. Get some sleep." She whispers softly and I relax into her embrace. For the first time this evening, I feel calm. I feel like I can get through this.


	39. Chapter 39

Well, it's been a while since I updated - sorry about that. Anyways, enjoy.

* * *

**Amelia POV**

I haven't slept well at all. I've never been comfortable having a lot of contact with others while I sleep. It normally brings up too many nightmares. Sleeping alone, even if I'm in Arizona's bed, the lack of contact offers me a little control over my sleep. It 's usually something Arizona is okay with, she understands the problem, but she is hurting. She needed this, she needed the comfort of being safe in my arms and I am willing to do anything to help her. I have slept maybe a few hours in total, I keep waking up in a mildly panicked state before remembering what is happening. It's nothing too bad, I'm not having panic attacks and I don't feel the need to hurt myself, it's just an uneasy feeling. I am scared that if I do go back to sleep, that it's going to get worse, that it will cause a panic attack, or wake Arizona. She wouldn't forgive herself if I had a panic attack because I was trying to do what was best for her. Instead of going back to sleep, I reach for my phone, seeing it's a little after 6am. I collect my headphones, plugging them in with my free arm and put some music on while I wait for my girlfriend to wake. I know I'm not going to be able to go back to sleep.

Around an hour later Arizona begins to stir, twisting her body to lay her head on my chest. "Good morning." I say quietly, stroking my fingers through her hair.

"I don't know about good, but it's definitely morning." Arizona mumbles and I let out a small laugh.

"Glad to see your sense of humour is still in tact. How you feeling?" I ask lightly, trying to make sure my tone stays as gentle as possible considering how vulnerable and uncomfortable she felt last night.

"Crappy, but slightly less crappy than last night. Slept better than I thought I would though."

"I'm glad. Not that you're feeling crappy, but that you slept okay."

"It's okay. I got what you meant. I've never noticed how comfy you are to lean on, how come we don't sit like this more often?"

"Because I discovered the secret of using you as a pillow first. But now you've discovered it we may have to take turns to keep it fair." I offer lightheartedly, but don't get much of a response. "What do you need?" I follow up, trying to keep her in conversation.

"You. I just need you to be here."

"I'm not going anywhere." I assure her.

"And also a shower I guess."

"I'm sure we can figure that out."

I pass Arizona her crutches, clearing a path to the bathroom. "You still want help?" I offer, leaving the option open to her.

"Yeah please. I'm sorry it's awkward, I know you didn't sign up for helping your disabled girlfriend shower." Arizona mumbles, refusing to face toward me.

"Hey, Arizona, it's okay. Look at me, it's absolutely fine, I really don't mind helping. What do you need?" I ask, placing a hand gently on her upper arm.

"To go back in time and not lose my leg."

"I wish I could do that for you, but unfortunately time travel doesn't exist yet, unless there is something you haven't told me. So what else can I do?"

"If I use my arms on the sides of the shower to stay balanced, could you wash my hair please?" Arizona asks quietly, I don't think I've ever heard her sound this vulnerable.

"I can absolutely do that. Are you okay with me taking my clothes off? I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"The situation is already uncomfortable, you're not going to make it worse, I promise." Arizona says quietly.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I turn on the shower before getting undressed. Arizona undresses herself before I help her into the shower. I make sure she is balanced before beginning to wash her hair. I try not to take too long, knowing that she is uncomfortable, and that her leg will start to ache soon. I keep talking, about everything and nothing, making sure she is not spiraling. Arizona normally appears to be a very confident individual, but when it comes to anything regarding her leg she becomes extremely anxious. I learned when we first started dating to be cautious around the topic, not wanting to upset her. Arizona see's her lack of leg as something fundamentally 'wrong' with her. I understand why, I understand that feeling, it's one I've had many times throughout my life about a range of things, but it's never once affected the love I feel for this woman. She is kind, and caring, supportive and the most loving person I've met in my life. Her lack of a leg could never change that. Never.

"I'm just washing your conditioner out now. You still okay there?" I ask, making sure that she isn't going to fall and that she doesn't need anything.

"I'm okay. Starting to ache a little."

"I'll be as quick as I can."

Once I have finished with Arizona's hair I help her out of the shower and to sit on the toilet seat to dry off. "Am I okay to wash my hair quickly while you dry off or do you need help?"

"You can shower, I'll just get dried." Arizona says and she sounds confident in her decision. I step back into the shower, making quick work of washing myself. Normally I would be embarrassed being naked in this situation, but I find myself more worried about my girlfriend than concerned about my body. It doesn't take me long to be out of the shower and wrapped in a towel.

Arizona is still in the bathroom with me, she doesn't seem to be paying attention to anything though, her eyes are staring into the middle of nowhere and she is thinking. I kneel down next to her and gently wipe a tear that rolls down her cheek. "What's going on in your mind?" I ask my girlfriend, picking up her folded t-shirt and pulling it over her head before removing the towel still wrapped around her. She looks at me, but doesn't respond verbally, instead she just takes my hand in hers. "Come on, let's go sit in on the bed, it'll be more comfy." I explain, reaching to pass her her crutches and wiping the floor quickly, making sure she isn't going to slip. I stay right behind her, making sure she is steady until she sits down. I get my clothes for the day, putting my underwear and my t-shirt on before sitting down next to her. I take the towel that was around Arizona's body and begin to slowly rub her hair dry, getting out as much of the water as possible to make it easier to blow dry.

"What's your plan today?" I ask Arizona to interrupt the silence. I know when I am having a bad day, when the room is quiet is when I go to the darkest places.

"Go to the beach, sit for a bit. I always go to the same ice cream place, it was Tim's favourite."

"Do you want to go alone or do you want me to join?" I ask openly. This is something she has always done alone and I don't want to force myself into the situation. Sure I would feel better if she allowed me to come along, I would be there for her and not unknowingly worrying about her because I don't know what's going through her mind.

"I invited you here to come with me. I don't expect you to just sit in the hotel room all day." She states bluntly.

"I just didn't know if this was something you needed to do alone, I wouldn't have minded just being here to support you after. But if you want me to come, I'm more than happy to."

"I want you to come. I know I normally do this alone, but now you're here I really don't want to be left alone."

"Then I'll come with you."

The hotel is only a small walk away from the beach. I follow Arizona, she knows exactly where she is going, leading me through small alleyways until I can see the sand. I offer her my hand to hold, an offer she quickly accepts and we continue walking. In Seattle we tend not to show our affections publicly, it's not that we are hiding our relationship, people know, we just don't feel the need to tell the world. Yet, while we are here in a different city, nobody knows us, and Arizona is hurting, so if offering her a hand to hold makes the situation a little less painful then it's an easy choice.

I can tell Arizona is hurting, but I know she needs to do this. She has covered up her hurt with a masked smile and we are going about her dayas though it's any other.

"I love the beach. I miss that sound." I. Say to break the silence. I figure that when she wants to talk about herself, and Timothy, she will bring it up on her own. For now, talking about my life is a safe discussion zone.

"You miss it?"

"Yeah. A lot of crappy stuff happened in LA but I do miss living right on the beach."

"Right on the beach? Seriously?"

"Yeah. Walk down a few steps from the decking and you're on the sand. You could hear the waves from inside and it was just comforting."

"Was this when you lived with Addison?"

"Yeah, and Sam. He lived next door to Addie and I moved in with him for a bit."

"Who was Sam?"

"A doctor at the practice, and he was friends with Derek and Mark and Addie when they were younger. When I found out about Christopher, I didn't want to be around Addie, it hurt too much, so I moved in with him for a bit. But he also had the beach which was nice."

"What was the practice like? Was it a part of the hospital or?"

"Not exactly. The practice had equipment for tests and stuff, but it was just a small clinic area. They had Cooper for paeds, Sam for Cardio, Violet and Sheldon for shrinks, Addie and jake did fertility and pregnancy stuff, I did neuro obviously. Pete was alternative medicine until he died. Charlotte is a sexologist at the practice, but also the chief of staff at the hospital next door and we all kinda worked there too." I explain.

"That sounds amazing, it's like you were all a family. Working there must have been very different than Grey-Sloan."

"It was, it was more intimate and just, I don't really know. But it was definitely like a family. The location just topped it off."

"Do you think I could meet them one day?"

"Maybe one day. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go back there, too many memories y'know?"

I pick up a small stone, throwing it gracefully toward the water to let it bounce. I spent too much time in LA learning how to do it, it's nice to know I've still got the skill.

"Tim used to skim stones, I could never do it."

"I'm sorry. I won't do it again." I offer, giving her hand a quick squeeze. Arizona bends down to pick up another stone and hands it to me.

"Teach me how?" She asks with a small smile and I loosen my grip on her hand to walk around. I change her grip, showing her how to move her hand at the right angles. When she makes her first throw it bounces once before sinking.

"Okay, go again but flick your wrist faster, like this." I explain demonstrating again.

"How'd you do that? That was like, six bounces."

"I've had lots of practice, I would skim stones while I was thinking. Go again?" I instruct, and I see her reach down to choose another. She throws it again, this time getting three bounces and I see a real smile sneak onto her face. It doesn't last long, but it's there.

"You're still better than me."

"I have had plenty of practice. You will get there."

"I don't know. Are you hungry? I always go to the same place for lunch."

"Sure."

* * *

We haven't been back at the hotel for long when Arizona's phone starts to ring. She quickly glances at the screen before placing it face down without answering.

"Everything okay?" I ask glancing toward the still vibrating device.

"It's my dad. This must be the 5th time he's called today, you would think he would have got the message by now."

"I'm sure he's just worried about you. Why don't you want to answer?"

"He will call to say he is checking in. He won't mention Tim's name, nor state that he's worried that I'm upset about his death. He will keep it simple with the typical 'Hi honey, just checking in', he will act like it's any other day, and the minute I bring Tim up he will try to change the subject. He's a good Dad, he's a good person, I just don't want to talk to him, not today."

"I get that, but maybe that's just his way of protecting himself from the pain."

"It's like he went from having two kids to just having one, and he didn't even look back at what he lost."

"You both lost a huge part of your life, you're just coping in your own ways. I know it's not exactly what you need today, but maybe its about what he needs."

"What do you mean?"

"I always hated it when Derek would check in on me on the anniversary of my dad's death. He wanted to talk about Dad, and I wasn't ready. But still, hearing Derek's voice reminded me that I still had someone."

"I don't understand."

"I can imagine that if I were your Dad, I would just want to hear your voice, but maybe talking about Timothy hurts too much, especially today. If I were your dad I think that I would be scared that you were hurting alone, and that knowing you are safe would be reassuring."

"I get that, but just for a moment, could you pretend to be me instead of him. Could you think about what I'm going through?"

"If I were you, I could imagine that avoiding the situation would hurt more, and make it feel like his memory was being forgotten. If I were you, I think I would just want to be held, and to be able to talk about my brother."

"Thank you. I'll text him to say I call him tomorrow. I don't think I can talk to him today." Arizona says simply, her tears beginning to flow down her face. I open my arms for her to lay in and she immediately begins to fall apart.

"You are not alone okay? I've got you, and you're not going through this alone. And you can talk to me about your brother whenever you want."

Arizona's sobs gradually begin to ease. She doesn't move from her position in my arms, but I start to feel her body relax into the comfort I'm offering.

"Callie told you about Tim's uniform being a trigger for me, but did she say anything else?" Arizona asks me and I see her using her sleeve to wipe her tears.

"No, she barely told me that. What about it?" I respond in the the most caring but neutral tone I can find.

"It's what he was wearing the last time I saw him. We didn't know exactly when he was going to have to leave. He was waiting for a call. It was fine, I was ready, or at least I thought I was. He had been training for it, and I was proud of him. I had it planned out in my mind that I would take him to wherever he needed to go, an airport or to meet with the other guys, just wherever he needed to go and we would say a proper goodbye, but uh, he woke me up at 3am saying he got the call and someone was waiting outside. He stood over my bed in his uniform, he even had the hat on, I have no idea why. I got about a 5 second hug and he was gone. I never saw him again. He was here, and then he was gone. "

"I'm sorry."

"He was so proud in his uniform, proud to be serving his country. But I just, he died in it. Tim my brother wore jeans and baggy tshirts. Tim the soldier wore that uniform. It's stupid really."

"Nah, it's not stupid. It actually makes quite a bit of sense. I have weirder triggers, seriously." I offer with a small smile, wrapping my arm around her side.

"Like what?" Arizona asks me, and I contemplate my response. Whatever I say here she is going to want to discuss. I flick through my options in brain before deciding on a response.

"The word gorgeous." I state with a cringe. "The word in general makes me uncomfortable, but being called it just, I erm, I can't cope with that.."

"I compliment you all the time and you've never complained." Arizona says, sounding slightly concerned.

"It's not the compliment, it's the word in general. Synonyms are fine, and that word doesn't seem to be one you use so I just, didn't have to bring it up."

"Any others I should be aware of?"

"Have you ever noticed that I never pay using cash? I always use my card?"

"I can't say I have. Why do you do that?"

"The noise of the cash register, it erm, it reminds me of my dad's store. If I pay using card they never have to open it, and then I don't hear the sound." It's strange to discuss, it's not a thing I've spoken about before. I've never said the words out loud because it didn't feel important, but now I feel exposed. "What about you? Any others?" I ask, trying to move the attention away from me again.

"I mean, you know about planes, that's a big one. Also I guess seeing injuries similar to my leg. Had a panic attack because of that once."

"Panic attacks suck."

"I agree. They're the worst."

* * *

So I just uploaded a short Amylink fic if anybody is interested in checking it out. I have a couple other shorts in the works but who knows if I'll ever post them.

Thanks for reading :)


	40. Chapter 40

_Wooo! An update! Sorry it took me a while. Life is chaos at the moment.__In this chapter there are discussions of Michelle, Amelia's friend from private practice. I tried to stick pretty close to the storyline on the show so if any of you haven't seen private practice, spoiler alert I guess. Enjoy :) _

**Arizona POV**

I've known for a long time that Amelia is an amazing person. I've seen her nurturing side many times with Sofia, and even experienced it a few times myself, but this break away has shown me how much I really need her. Because of the situation of how we met, more often than not, I am the one who does the comforting. I've always been okay with that. I've grown to love Amelia so strongly that I will do anything for her. But this weekend I have seen a new side to her. Of course I knew that she could be caring, but what I hadn't expected was how well she knew and predicted my needs. She managed to realise the moments that I was spiraling, or just hurting in general, often before I noticed that it was getting bad. She always knew exactly what to do and exactly what to say to make the situation better.

I've been thinking a lot about the conversation we had yesterday, about my Dad. I know I should call him, I'm just not sure what I could say. He will want to talk about me, and I'll want to talk about Tim, and things will get awkward. Things will get uncomfortable and then we will say goodbye and I'll end the phone call feeling worse than I did to begin with. I fumble with my phone in my hands and Amelia makes her way to sit next to me. "Call him, it'll be okay. I'll be here for you to rant about him afterward, I promise." My girlfriend tells me, placing her hand in mine and offering a comforting squeeze. I take a deep breath before clicking on my dad's name.

The phone rings a few times before I hear the familiar voice at the other end of the line.

"Hi Dad."

"Hi honey. How have you been? Were you working yesterday?"

"I'm okay. I'm not working, I'm in San Francisco, like I am every year for Tim's Birthday."

"That's nice. And how is Amelia?" He asks, clearly attempting to change the subject.

"Amelia is okay too, I promise we are both fine." I explain, looking to my girlfriend and rolling my eyes slightly. I had told her that he asks about her every time we talk.

"And when will I finally get to meet this mystery woman huh? You've been together over a year. I need to make sure she really exists." My dad jokes, and I can't help the small smile that appears on my lips.

"I spoke to her about it and she would be happy to meet you next time you're in Seattle, so you can see for yourself that she is real and that I'm not imagining our entire relationship." I huff and Amelia grins.

"I promise I'm real Mr Robbins." Amelia says leaning in toward the call.

"Was that her? You took her with you?"

"I did. She is helping me. Coming here hurts but she is helping."

"I'm glad you're happy sweetheart."

"I am happy. Amelia makes me happy. How is Mom?"

The conversation continues for another fifteen minutes or so, I make sure to engage, trying not to let him hear the hurt that I'm experiencing. When I end the call I collapse into Amelia's embrace.

"Was that really so bad?" She asks me and I twist my body to look at her.

"No, but also, yeah, kinda."

"What do you mean?"

"The conversation wasn't so bad, but it still hurts that he won't talk about Tim. Tim was awesome, he deserves to be talked about. He doesn't deserve to be forgotten."

"And he won't be. You won't let him be forgotten. What do you want to do today?"

"How would you feel about ice cream for breakfast?"

"I thought you would never ask." Amelia says with a grin.

We get washed and dressed, ready to go out. I feel a lot better than I had felt yesterday, I'm still feeling a few too many emotions for my liking, but they feel more containable. When we leave the hotel I have my arm wrapped around my girlfriends waist, wanting all of the contact that she is offering. We make small talk, laughing about the little things and we send a quick text to Sofia to check in.

**Amelia POV**

When we arrive at the ice-cream store, it's more of a small diner, not quite what I expected. The ice creams are all homemade and it's calming. The warm colours and soft chairs in the booths make it feel like home.

I scan the rows of flavors, unsure which to try. I've never been good with this many options.

"You should get the rocky road, it's my favourite, it was Tim's too." Arizona instructs but I stop and look at her.

"I can't. Maybe I'll try the raspberry, ooo or maybe lemon."

"You can't?" Arizona looks towards me, questioning my choice of words.

"I don't eat rocky road, not anymore anyway." I explain, trying to remain neutral but my emotion toward the topic seem to show through my voice.

"Another weird trigger?" Arizona asks with a small laugh, clearly joking but I nod my head.

"I guess you could say that. I used to love it." I say honestly, my voice sounding a little more vulnerable than I planned.

"What changed?"

"I erm" I stutter, carefully considering my words. I think about lying, I've been trying to avoid this topic for quite a while, but I can't lie to her. "I can't tell you. At least, not right here, not in public." I try to explain the best I can without getting into details.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry or bring up any weird memories, I had no idea this went so deep or else I wouldn't have asked." Arizona explains. She is clearly worried about me, hell I would be too if the situation were reversed but that doesn't change the way I'm feeling.

"It's okay. You couldn't have known. I've mentioned my friend Michelle before right?" I offer, trying to open up a little to show I'm okay.

"Just that she died, not really much else."

"It was her favourite, we had a joke about it but, it's not a thing I can talk about right now."

"That's okay. Whatever you need. I'm sure the other flavors are just as awesome."

I can tell I worried Arizona, I mean, I practically freaked out over an ice cream flavor. I have told Arizona almost everything about myself, and she has never once hesitated, she has always been by my side. Yet still, I have never worked up the courage to talk to her about this. Michelle was my best friend. Lying to her about her test results was one thing, but she said she would kill herself if it were positive. That much I think Arizona would understand, but I made a deal with Michelle, the day I told her I lied. We made the deal that when there was a day that not even rocky road icecream could make better, I would help her end her life. And I intended to go through with it. I was going to euthanise my best friend. If she hadn't changed her mind last minute, I would have done. In the laws eyes I would have been a murderer. Arizona trusts me, she trusts me to look after her daughter. I'm scared that telling her the truth will make her question that decision.

"You okay?" Arizona asks, interrupting my spiraling flow of thought as we sit down after ordering.

"I will be." I say, and I hope I'm right. I hope she doesn't judge my actions too harshly.

"Can I ask you something? It's not about the icecream thing, I promise."

"What do you want to know?" I respond, happy she is willing to change the topic.

"I don't want to say the word, but the one you said is triggering, what's the story? You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I'm just, curious I guess."

"I kinda guessed you would ask when I brought it up. It's okay. It was Ryan's go to compliment, he would call me that several times a day. It's the last thing I remember him saying to me before he died. He was hovering over me, and we were both high, our last high. My first night with James, he said it to me and well, you know the rest. Panic attack, locking him out of the room and such."

"Oh, right. I will try to make sure I don't y'know, say that word in the future." Arizona says with a bit of thought.

"We've been together over a year and you haven't said it yet, so I doubt it's in your regular vocabulary. Don't over think it." I instruct, not wanting things to get weird between us.

When we leave the ice cream store, we head straight to the beach. We have towels with us to sit on, and we can just talk. It's not particularly warm out, but it's not cold either. We have light jackets because it's windy by the water but it's comfortable. We sit side by side, my head rested on her shoulder, both of us having an arm draped around the other.

"What was your family like? When you were growing up?" I ask Arizona. She seems to know a whole lot more about my upbringing than I know about hers. While we are in this break away because of her brother, it seems a fitting time to bring it up.

"Pretty standard honestly. My Dad was in the marine corps, we moved around quite a bit, but it never bothered me too much. Whenever we moved to a new place, normally every couple of years, he made sure to take me out skating. It was our thing. My Mom did the odd part time job, but mostly she just helped out running charity events and stuff. She likes to cook, and she loves kids. She always offered to babysit for the other parents in the area. She was over the moon when she found out about Sofia, she bought her so many clothes and presents, I swear half of Sofias baby belongings came from my Mom." Arizona lists, thinking about her family.

"That sounds nice. I kinda wish I had that kinda childhood. I know it probably wasn't perfect but still." A part of me wants to be jealous she had such an idyllic upbringing but I know what wouldn't be fair.

"It wasn't perfect, but what home is. I was happy, safe, looked after. I don't even remember anything remotely bad happening until Tim died. I wish I could have known you back then, been there for you. At least you have your sisters though."

"Which sisters are we talking about here? Kathleen, Liz and Nancy or Addie, Mer and Maggie?" I ask, turning to look at Arizona. "Because if we are talking about my bio sisters, we really don't get on. I don't talk to them. Derek was the only one of my siblings that remotely liked me."

"I'm sure that can't be true." Arizona responds quickly, giving my hand a quick squeeze.

"I don't even have Liz or Kathleen's numbers saved in my phone. I was the youngest and I was a total screw up. They wanted nothing to do with me. I don't blame them, I was a mess." I explain with a shrug. I'm not exaggerating, I literally was never close to them.

"Surely it can't all be bad."

"When I told them I moved to Seattle they immediately presumed I must have screwed up and got fired, and the only reason I moved here was so Derek would offer me a job. I didn't bother trying to correct them, it would have meant talking about Ryan, and my baby. At the time I was sure they would find a way to blame their deaths on me too."

"If that's the case then they are total idiots. Sure, you're not perfect, but nobody is. I'm sorry you had to deal with them, you deserve better."

"I had a family, but It never really felt like one. At first I felt like I didn't need one, but then I started at the practice, that became my family, and now you, and Sofia, Mer and Maggie, this feels right." I reveal, resting my head on her shoulder. I don't ever want to leave this family that I've got now.

I feel guilty keeping secrets from Arizona, it's not something I enjoy doing, but there are some things I'm just too scared to talk about. It's one thing to talk about the pains and horrors of my past, it's not like I had control over them, but what happened with Michelle I could control. I made a choice, a choice that goes against everything that doctors stand for. It's true, we didn't go through with it, but if she didn't ask me to stop I would have continued. If she were still here and she asked me again I would make the same decision, I loved her too much to see her suffer.

"What's going through your mind huh?" Arizona asks, walking through our hotel room, tucking my hair behind my ear and sitting down next to me.

"I've done bad things Arizona."

"We've all done things we regret, the point is that we learn from our mistakes." Arizona says with a comforting smile.

"But I don't regret it. I would do it again."

"I don't understand what exactly we are talking about, so I can't really respond to that." Arizona explains and I nod, but don't reply. I'm just thinking. "Why don't you tell me what happened huh? And we will go from there."

"You won't see me the same way. You won't trust me again."

"Try me. You're not going to lose me Amelia. Never."

"You promise?" I ensure, wiping the tears that had been building up in my eyes.

"I promise."

"I uh, I met Michelle when I was just getting clean for the first time. She was a little screwed up too, and we both knew each others problems, it was a base for a good friendship. She watched her Mom die slowly, Huntingtons. She never wanted to know whether she had the gene, but I convinced her to get the test done. I thought nothing of it until I was drawing her blood, she told me if it was positive that she was going to kill herself. She watched her Mom suffer and didn't want to go through that. So when the test came through positive, I lied, I told her she didn't have it. I was scared to lose my only friend." I look to Arizona who offers me an encouraging, non judgemental smile before I continue. "Of course I had to tell her I lied. It was around the time I was starting to drink more, and I told her about the cravings. We made a deal that if she didn't kill herself, then I wouldn't drink. And when a day comes, where not even rocky road icecream can fix her problems, then I promised I would help her die painlessly."

I hear Arizona gulp behind me, but her grip on my body doesn't change.

"What happened?" Arizona asks, hinting at me to continue.

"The day came. I kept my promise, I was helping her die, I had a needle in her arm when she changed her mind. I stopped immediately, called 9/11 and we staged it as an overdose. They got her back, and I was so grateful that she wasn't ready to die, she was my only friend so it meant a lot. Once she was discharged, I went to her house, the door was open so I let myself in to find she had killed herself. She left me a note saying she couldn't have it on my conscience, she needed to do it alone. I called the ambulance but it was too late. She broke the deal, she killed herself, so I had a drink. I planned on just one, but it wasn't enough. I kept drinking, and it was bad. Charlotte fired me from the hospital and I quit at the practice. Then I met Ryan. "

"I'm sorry you lost her." Arizona says, stroking her fingers through my hair.

"Why aren't you mad, you should be mad."

"I'm processing, that's a lot to take in, but I'm not mad."

"If she didn't tell me to stop I would technically be a murderer, and I would be okay with that. That isn't okay." Amelia says through fear. I hear how my voice rattles with pain and there is nothing I can do but Arizona pulls me closer into her arms.

"You're not a murderer Amelia, you just care too much to see her suffer. Euthanasia is a controversial topic, I'm not sure where I stand on it but lots of people think it should be allowed, and it is legal in some countries. I'm sure you had your reasons, and I still love you." She explains, placing a light kiss on her head and stroking my hand up and down her back.

"I feel guilty and I don't think I should feel guilty because I was just trying to do what she wanted, and she wanted me to help so she wasn't alone but then she couldn't let me be there because she didn't want me to feel guilty. And now I feel more guilty because this is your weekend and now it's about me and I didn't want that." I huff, wiping my eyes. This weekend has been anything but ideal.

"Just because it's my break away doesn't mean that you're not important too. Don't feel guilty, I really appreciate you coming here with me. Why do you think you agreed to it?" Arizona asks and I shrug.

"She was my best friend. I loved her and she was suffering. She couldn't control herself, she was trapped in her own body and-"

"And you know how that feels. You know what it's like to not have control." Arizona finishes for me and I nod my head. She knows me too well.

"Yeah so I understood her not wanting to live, and I didn't want her to be in pain."

"You're a good friend Amelia, but could you please not assist in any more deaths? Because technically it's illegal and I don't know what we would do without you. Also you're too pretty to go to jail."

"I promise I will try to avoid situations that could be considered murder."

"Thank you."

* * *

Well, I hope you enjoyed that chapter.

On a different note, the second part of my short amelink fic is up if you're interested :)


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